Finding My Wings in Life

Waking Dreams

2012-01-14T20:28:00.001-05:00

By April L. Gerard

There's a sway of meandering thoughts running through my head
A pause fragmented in imaginations examined and carefully thought out-
mixing of memories with dreamed up ideas and hopes- those long ago wishes
that leave the mind wandering down roads yet not traveled.

There are things we think out, strands of seemingly unrelated things
that catch our breaths, spill out our canvass of desires, and stop our thoughts cold.
Moments where we suddenly realize what we feel, who we are, and what we want.
The tangled saids and unsaids, roads we chose not take & roads we've already taken.

There within our mind's eye are streams of life's every angle,
the key to the insides of our soul's heart are these thoughts that wander in our heads.
What we have yet to learn about who we are and what we have yet to know we need-
all of it is here in the land of our thoughts, the scene of our waking dreams.

A Few Thoughts For the Year....

2011-12-30T20:51:00.000-05:00

No poetry to write today, just some thoughts. A letter of sorts- Hope you all don't mind.

Its been a long while, nearly two months since I've written anything on here. I looked around on my blog and had the feel of a dusty room in need of cleaning and tidying up. There's alot of things I need to do to update this blog of mine. Its time I think to get re-acquainted with the things that I love to do. Writing is one of them, so is singing, painting, bike riding, walking, and a host of other things. I like being active and creative.

This year has brought with it a multitude of revelations, insights, tears, a bit of smiles here and there, and many many lessons. Alot of what I've learned, I really wasn't prepared for. I discovered hidden angers within me and I discovered a courage and strength in me that most don't have. I made new friends and lost a few. Traveled a little bit, worked a whole lot, and still managed the whole single mother life with my three kids. The year is now closing to an end with my family having lost both my grandmother and my grandfather within 4 weeks time span and inbetween all of it, somehow I said yes to my dad when he asked to move in for a few months. Its been challenging to say the least. I swear, its like having a teenage dad in the house and its a sore reminder of the reality that this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever spent this much time with him- and I am 32. But he's been 3 years sober and I couldn't see not giving him the opportunity to at least spend a little time with me and the kids. I just hope that for once in his life, my dad really does stay sober and becomes the man he wants to be, rather than the drunk he's always been.

Thinking back over the past few years, I realized I've grown. Not literally of course, I'm still as short as ever..lol. But I really have grown. I know more about me and the woman I want to be. I know with certainty the things I want to do, goals that I continually strive for. Things, that for a long time I would second guess myself on. There was a long time in my life when I felt like every thing I ever wanted had to be given up. Because I wanted so desperately to make those around me happy.

Last year, in July, my marriage of tens years finally ended. I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But it wasn't, no it was actually one of the easier things to let go of. There were more bad things in the marriage than there were good things and it was doing damage to me and my children that I couldn't undo. I find now that I have a freedom that I have never known in my life. I'm not afraid to walk into my own home anymore. I'm not afraid to be me..the me I chose to be. Its a bit of a lonely road every now and then, but not impossible and loneliness doesn't strike me the way it does most people. I don't mind it when I compare it to where I've been. Maybe thats why I've been afraid of trying to connect with others....well, anyway I suppose that's another reflection I can write about later.

Moving on in my thoughts, My daughter of 11 years was diagnosed in December 2010 with Langerhan's Hystiocytosis, which required chemotherapy throughout this past year. This upcoming January will be her last treatment and she's doing wonderful. you never really think things like this will come up in your life, certainly not in your children's and especially not when they are children. But, it has brought some perspective in my life and I see such a bright, strong, and inspiring little girl when I look at her and how she's handled this. A few weeks ago, the very same day she had one of her treatments- once we got home she was gearing up and heading out the door to go sledding with the neighbor girls. I could tell she didn't feel the best, but I have learned over the past year that the best medicine for her is to let her be herself. She never slowed down for one second this year if she could help it. I think maybe that's a lesson for all of us. To live, really live life in spite of what it might have in store for us.

Many of you who have been faithful readers and dear friends have probably noticed the drop in postings on here. I literally went from writing nearly everyday to being lucky if I post once every couple of months. I stopped writing as much this year because some things in life make you pause...make you stop and question why the world works the way it does. I came to the conclusion recently that I just need to continue to write, sing, and be me, the rest will take care of itself.

So, for now, I won't promise that I'll go back to writing everyday. But I can say that I will post again and hopefully it'll become more and more often and back to the positive me that most of you already know. It won't always be poetry, short stories, and pretty things on here....but there will be writing, writing that comes from me and who I am. I hope that all of you learn to do the same in your own lives. Don't give up doing those very things that make up who you are and don't worry so much about where you've been. Just live and love with everything you have. Sometimes love won't stay, but what impression it leaves you with, the things you learn, will be the best things you'll ever carry within you.

Happy New Years my friends :)

April

A Small Hand of Time Ago

2011-11-11T10:41:00.000-05:00

by April L. Gerard

A small hand of time ago,
I wrote everyday
songs, poems, short stories...
so much, so many things worth saying.

Until I didn't want to say them
anymore.

Feeling the need to bottle me back up,
slowly becoming more tired and tired
by the day...words were just too much
when words couldn't ever really say,
just how we feel sometimes.

A small hand of time ago,
I remembered how much I still love to read,
and thus the reason I found so much wisdom
in words written down.

It takes time to think out how to write
what we see, what we feel, what we dream.
Words...they can be just words.

But really, they're our songs we often forget to sing.

What Love Must Be...

2011-09-19T23:29:00.000-04:00

By April L. Gerard
Sometimes I wonder,
just what it is that Love must be,
never sure if I've ever understood it...

then I think of all these things
I see, and somehow I realize
maybe I understand it more than most.

The tired hands of an old gent,
laying down fresh bouquets
to show her even in death he still remembers.

A father sending his thoughts,
his encouragement and wisdom
to the children he misses everyday.

the worn feet of someone
who has walked miles
just to show their gratitude of someone else's kindness.

silent tears hidden at night
shed by the single mother who does
what she can to keep her children safe and warm.

a stranger's gift to another

a hug given without a second thought

a hand held at the hour of midnight

a phone call just to say hi to someone
and it brightens their day because they heard your voice.

A smile...just a simple smile.

These things,
I think that these are the things that Love must be.

Little "Big" Things

2011-08-19T16:04:00.000-04:00

Little "Big" Things by April L. Gerard

Gentle smiles,
precious yellow stains
smeared on faces too innocent
to see beyond the wonders of child's play.

Children whose eyes sparkle with merriment.

Just one of the things we call little,
yet it becomes so much more in heart-
things we should never forget.

A hand to hold,
A smile with soft kind eyes,
security wrapped in arms never forgotten
and touches always remembered.

Lovers whose hearts never could quite forget.

Little bits of tenderness,
tucked in carefully wrapped memories-
things that our hearts need filled with.

Sounds of warm sands,
dancing waves of breathless whispers,
little tones of music made by life itself-

The array of beauty in every being.

These, these very smallish,
sometimes forgotten moments-
these are the little "big" things.

Things that teach us love.
Teach us hope.
Teach us the joy of who we are.

To Know What's Best

2011-07-14T14:35:00.000-04:00

"To know what's Best" is a poem I wrote on October 8, 2010. It is not a poem I would normally share, but today I feel like its something worth sharing with everyone. Hope everyone is having a wonderful week, and if not, just remember the up's and down's don't last forever. The sun always shines through.

Photo taken by me at Chain O' Lakes State Park 2009.

To Know What's Best by April L. Gerard

Drops.

Wet salt slides down over
the bridge of my nose,
from the corner of my eye
to the bed beneath me.

The phone in my hand.

One tear.
Two tears.
A Critical examination...
...of myself.

The honesty.

A song and prayer are uttered,
in quiet whispers.
Stinging streams,
streak my face now.

foot rocks gently back and forth,
attempts at sheltering myself
from how I feel.

I didn't mean to feel this way.
I feel like I have somehow wronged you.
Because I feel this.

Knees touch my chest.
My soul aches and screams silently.

till morning fills the room.

Too perceptive of things I'm told.

Give me strength my lord,
for only you know whats best

Feet hit the floor.

I tuck it all away,
knowing I'll only think of this
when its safe to do so,
but not knowing when it will be safe
ever again.

Truth of Us

2011-06-20T14:23:00.000-04:00

Truth of Us by April L. Gerard

Did you know that you can't outrun yourself
and that the heart is firmly planted in our souls?
What it feels cannot be unfelt and cannot be run from.

Rains of blues- soft melodies of jazz and other tunes,
beats of bass drumming to the waves of thoughts unsaid.
Sounds that give meaning to what is felt,
what will always be felt.

It does not go away,
It does not always stay.

But we...the very humans we are,
We always want it to.
Want these things to stay,
even if it means carrying a certain kind of hurt.
We want it, because we do not wish to lose love's value.

I often wonder if you too think of this,
or do you really want to?

You can't outrun yourself,
the heart is firmly planted in our souls-
and what it feels cannot be unfelt or run away from.

Broken Down

2011-06-06T19:43:00.000-04:00

Its been such a long time since I've posted on here and for that- I truly apologize. Writing is one of my passions I've had since I was little, but Life it seems has really been getting ahead of me. Some of the happenings have been good and wonderful, while other things have been not so good- but they are things that help define the who that we are in this Life. It is with that thought in mind that I wrote this poem earlier today while sitting in a waiting room...

Broken Down by April L. Gerard

There are pieces,
strewn about in uncertain tomorrows
and littering yesterday's paths.

Fragments, each telling its story
of where it used to be,
how much force it bore,
and where it fell...
..when it became to fragile from the wear.

There are pieces,
some small like slivers shaved and curled,
others sized like jagged rocks ripped from their beds-
replaced with hard earned lessons,
whether asked for or not.
Lessons that light the candle
of a wise soul's inner flame.

These pieces,
invisible to the naked eye
and seen with our hearts mind-
it is these that matter.
They are things that teach us who we are
and who the world is to us.

They are precious
and sometimes bittersweet
or broken down- leaving us to wonder
at the trail we've made of losses, of pains,
of shear wonderment, and of loves.

Yet these pieces, collected
in a mosaic of beauty, sorrows, joys, and
growth- in our innermost self they form
our soul's journey to know Life and Love.

To Break the Sound Barrier

2011-05-08T23:26:00.001-04:00

by April Gerard

There are days,
when I wonder if a friend of mine...is right. Still I know he's wrong.
Nights of despair knowing my own road of sorrows.
A road we each have owned somewhere along the way.
A place in our hearts where we've sown our pictures
to the walls to never forget..the pain caused.

I believe it could be different,
if we let it.

Constant reminders turn feeling into belief.
Belief that if it was this way once,
it'll be that way again.
But that's not true, I'm positive of that.
We just never venture out beyond the walls we've built.
Never take the time to throw away the hurts.
The scars we leave in each other.
Humanness certainly has its way with feeling.

For some its enough to say no more,
still its not impossible is it?
Takes a lot of thinking against the grain
to believe in the possibilities.
So many people who cant see where they are.
So many who forget you can't outrun your own heart,
for it is firmly planted in our souls.

I want to know the sort of things
that we often never let ourselves discover.

Shades of blues paint over our loves
in ignorance of our souls.
So many who would rather hold a stone,
than to lose what part of their heart that still cares.
and what parts still wish to be cared for.
The human condition is to feel,
so why do we run from it?

Years ago, it was believed
no one could break the sound barrier.
And yet it was.

Do you suppose then, that we could learn to love?

To Learn to Hold an Ocean

2011-04-18T16:46:00.001-04:00

Written by April L. Gerard

Silence is sometimes better said out loud,
than any words that could be spoken.
So few can hear what it says though.

It often says so much,
sometimes more than we knew existed.

An ocean of depths within,
feelings locked for safe keeping.
No one ever asks how deep does it go.

Easier for most to not ask,
so they don't have to hurt enough to care.

Crimson skies were once painted
in days where childish laughter should have lived-
leaving blues of water that never shed from the eyes.

Pain that shut the doors of trust in others.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for it though.
Seeds of trust can be sown as nature reminds that
even rains grow things; make them stronger.

Such a rarity of courage and strength born,
uniqueness in its own right of perception and kindness.
Still lonely keeps company...
'till we learn how to hold an ocean.

Child's Eye

2011-04-07T22:31:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I've managed to write something I wanted to share. My youngest child inspired this writing..I hope you all enjoy :)

Child's Eye by April Gerard

Wings rushing in the air,
winds bending down to stroke the grass
and soft sounds of nature in my ears.

Solitude. This is my mind's imaginations
for the moment, until...
little feet patter down the stairs.
She has not gone to bed as she should.

I try to be patient with her, as I remind her the time
and still she questions endlessly,
"Why does bedtime have to come?
Why does winter and Summer and spring come?"

and I tell her,"I don't know why really,
cause thats the way God made things-
to teach us to learn and grow with changes I think."

She clasps her little hands together,
eyes sparkling with thought.
Then she says,

"But I wish it would snow in summer. No wait,
I really wish it would snow in Spring-
so we can have flowers at the same time.
Wouldn't that be really cool Mom??!"

She reminds me of what it means to be
open to possibilities with this statement.

Maybe I should remember more often,
just how it might look, to look on the world
with a child's eye.

Good News to Share

2011-04-01T08:54:00.000-04:00

well, I have been writing quite alot on this here blog of mine- just not published any of it yet. Mostly that's due to the fact that I've been worn out here lately between taking my daughter to her doctor visits, work, and all the things in between. I have noticed that my drafts that I have not shared on here are not quite the positive and upbeat thoughts that I would normally try to write. But, they are in a lot of ways very theraputic for me to reflect and think on. Interesting the things you learn about yourself when you read what you've wrote as though it came from someone else entirely..

Anyways, I want to share some extremely good news with everyone- according to the tests earlier this week, my daughter's tumor almost non-existent now!!! there is only a spot that is aproximately a millimeter wide left. which means she now gets to go to every 3 weeks of chemo instead of every week!!! Its been challenging to say the least to get used to our new schedule and to get used to her moods swings - the result of being a pre-teen as well as a patient undergoing therapy :)

But she does really well and for the most part has a very positive attitude about the whole thing, which makes me very proud of her. She even makes the nurses/doctors laugh with her antics sometimes and she's made quite a few new friends at the clinic as well.

So that's it for now. I promise to you all that I will get back into posting on here again...it just might be a slow transition as I learn to manage and juggle the Life happening around me :) But for now, I'd like to share a song that I found yesterday that I really like. It seems to say to me, no matter what happens in life- all is not lost and you are not lost in it...

Acumen of Another Kind

2011-03-15T19:42:00.000-04:00

Acumen of Another Kind by April Gerard

If I admitted to myself
how tired I am somedays,
I'd have to go and believe it..and I don't want to.
Besides, I gots too much to do in this here world.

yeah, thet's right.

Not a day goes by that I push tired to the side
and get my mind on what needs done.

Most just figure they got to get through one more day.
Me though, I figure there's alot more to be doing with
each day rather than just tryin, to "just get through it"
Got no use for tired anyways.

Ya ever see someone just clean pass through a day,
like it wudn't nutten but an old doorway 'bout to fall down?
Thats how them crazy fools act nowadays.
They need to open up them blind eyes of them.
Yes'm, that what they need to do- but 'spect they won't none.

naw, they won't open 'em up to see.

They's frittering away something ya can't get back.
It ain't like water, can't reuse it. Once its gone..its gone.
The day is made for using, so that's what I intend to do.
Whats the point of letting tired spend all my time,
when there are small steps towards these goals
I gotta be takin?

Damn fools never see it, always tryin to control
the way things are so's no one 'ill ever get further
than they did. If they spend half as much time
chasing their own dreams instead 'o beaten those
of others down..they'd have something for a change.

Something worth having.

But, They let fear grip 'em and mess 'em up all in their heads,
thinkin on how dreamers are supposed damn fools and
how they think it best to just stop 'em in their tracks.
Yeah, that what they do, go messin' up the world with their nonense.

Crazy ass fools.

Ain't a Man, Woman, 'er Child who don't need a dream.
And they need one worth keepin for sure, noboby got the right to take thet.
This world of fools though, thinkin they gots the answer.
Break 'em down, show 'em how dreaming didn't never get nothin'.
They leave alot tearstreaked pain in the hearts o' others..
yeah they shore do.

Damn shame too.

Reckon if they used their time a little more
to be a lovin' the world 'stead o' telling it what to do,
they might find Time would become their friend.

I Wonder

2011-03-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

I Wonder by April L. Gerard

The music of my soul
wants to dance to the melodies
of friendship, of love, of laughter.
I wonder if others wish that too?

Kindness goes such a long way,
though I wonder if it reaches.

I wonder if some have never known
a kind hand or warm smile,
it seems we should give that more often.
I'd like to see that- see the side of humans
we rarely let ourselves be.

Couldn't we just once Be?
Be the us we were made to be?

Not the hate we teach,
or the distrust we learn through
age and moments that ticked
by in our heads too slowly.

But the things that make us all
who we are and what we dream.
The things too often slipped by,
unnoticed in the timidness
so many feel when encouragement
is lacked.

What if we truly found our voices,
our lights within ourselves?
imagine the wonders and possibilities
that would become.

Yes, I wonder..
What would bloom from others,
if kindness found their doorsteps?
So much music would be heard,
so many endless possibilities.

Beautiful Here

2011-03-01T19:22:00.000-05:00

by April L. Gerard
It's Beautiful here in this home
where my soul lives.

Moments of clarity
and moments of sheer wonder
written in the voice of my home's heart.
Amazing to look out onto the scenery
through my soul's window
and see.

To really See.

How very much the same we each are....
and yet, so very different.

All the things we carry
and paint our lives with,
can be seen here.
Felt here. Heard here.

We run our fingers through
the pains felt, the agony sometimes
endured...and yet,
still there's a reason we find
to smile again and breathe.

Yes, it is beautiful,
where all these souls live-
Unique, brilliant, and colored with lights
of enchanting melodies.

Songs of hope begin to find a voice
outside this window pane.
Even in the coldest of rains,
dances of joys still find feet to move.

This is where our souls reside,
here in the rhythm of thoughts and sounds.
Dreams still sought after,
Astonished people meeting all around-
and seeing for the first time there are no colors.

All the things we thought we knew
and all that we never really knew-
is learned here. Loved here.
Believed here.

A soul's song happens here,
right here where we are now.
And its so beautiful to hear the notes played,
to feel it resonate.

Melodies of life- we each live and breathe.

Sentimental Violins

2011-02-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

When I was little, I heard the voice of a violin for the first time on a tv program. Next to the piano, I thought it was one of the most beautiful sounds that any instrument could ever make. I still find them to be wonderful to listen to, but the sounds they create are only made effective if the person playing them knows the strings so well..that a story could be told in a thousand different ways. Musicians of all sort who are at the top of their game understand one thing very well- the emotional story that needs to be told and felt by their audience. It is this idea that gave me the inspiration for this poem. Hope you all enjoy :)

Sentimental Violins by April Gerard

Papers.
Notes; ink and colors
blended in.

Words lost and remembered
in faded midnight skies.

Worn fingers
trace the edges of
blurred objects
emitting melodies-
owning their memories
once again.

stories told here.

Files of sounds,
from here or there,
a hush of laughter caught
against the cry of
years in the past.

Sentiments carried
on a string, in a note,
in a voice that once whispered
long ago.

Music that played its sorrows
or its joys,
as Time beckoned
its come and go.

Sentimental values displayed-
often without pictures framed
or mirrored reproach.

People who've been known,
seeds that were once sown,
all held in this or thats.

memories in motion...
at the speed of sound.

Perfect

2011-02-20T21:48:00.000-05:00

Listened to the song "Perfect" by Hedley the other day (video posted above) and it dawned on me that this is what so many of us struggle with. "Not perfect" seems to be a constant expression in all the new music in all the genres- we're all trying to scream out loud that we are not perfect, including those in the music world. In fact the chorus line in Hedley's song goes, "I'm not perfect, but I keep trying. Cause thats what I said I would do from the start. I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please dont leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?"

We are either trying to measure up to someone else's idea of perfection or, worse yet in some ways, to our own. Why do we do this to ourselves and to others?

I guess I'm wondering how come it seems we have to shout to each other, friends, family, significant others, etc.. how is it that we have to shout it out that we're not perfect? We know that we are not perfect, yet why do we ask it of others so often if we know that?

It concerns me a bit that we often hold the expectations that others have of us higher than those who hold them do. Its one thing to keep trying, to keep expecting yourself to be a better person and to hold yourself accountable- that's a healthy choice of living, but to allow your own or others expectations of yourself to leave you feeling as though you'll never amount to anything, that you can't be better- that's when its wrong.

If I ever had one thing to say to anyone is this: Just be yourself, love yourself and keep dreaming. Achieving your dreams never required perfection- it just requires believing you'll get there and doing all you can to make those dreams of yours come alive. The world was founded on imagination, nothing it has in it became real until it was first dreamed of by someone.

We are all human- we were born to be imperfect, that's what makes us beautiful I think :)

These are just some thoughts of mine. Have a great start to your week everyone! and here's the video clip of the new song "F**kin' Perfect" by Pink- its a song that says exactly what I'd say to several of my closest friends, who in their own ways are Perfect to me and I love them all the more for it.

Reminiscent Rains

2011-02-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

Reminiscent Rains by April L. Gerard

Reminiscent rains gather
at the feel of many dawns quietly slipping by.
Seepage of emotions in the periphery of the past gone.
Time… you could never hold in your hands.

There is no use for regrets.
Still, sometimes the heart needs to know
Or maybe it just stubbornly refuses to see,
Why the soul still wishes, still wants, and still bleeds.

Funny the things you learn in life and carry with you-
Parables of the things you never knew, but dreamed.
Touched at first and made to be real- either in your mind’s eye
Or in the realness of yesterdays and tomorrows.

Still, sometimes the heart doesn’t want to know
Or maybe it just refuses to acknowledges that it feels,
And where the heart harbors its secrets,
is where it seeks refuge in only memories.

Words

2011-02-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

A very short post here. My head is full of many things today. But I only just want to share one thought that occurred to me today:

Words are just words. It is we who fill them with meaning....

and I wondered to myself after I thought that, "just exactly what kind of meaning is it that I want my words to have?"

Wings

2011-02-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

I've been really busy in the last week or so, so my apologies to all for my lack of posting. Below is my lastest writing.

It's been awhile since I wrote a short story on here and I thought since it has also been a bit of time since I've posted on here, that this might be a nice surprise for each of you. Hope you enjoy it and Have a wonderful week!

Wings
A short story of fiction By April L. Gerard, All rights reserved

"What of the wings?” He said to her with a scoff and waved her off. “Do you think you'll find such mysteries shrouded in the cloak of humanness, eh? It's a fool's errand to chase. Most don't even bother trying to look for them."

“But, they are more precious than we know. I want them to see that.” She countered softly.

"Why the Wings?" He questioned with an eyebrow arched.

She looked at him with imploring eyes, tinted with that innocence he hadn’t seen in decades, “Haven't you Ever felt the warmth of a breeze touching your skin, blowing your hair, and making you feel somehow Alive?”

"What if I have, hmm? You think that makes a difference?” He shook his head at her. Such naivety in this one he had thought when he heard her words. Blasted wonder she managed to find him with such eyes clouding her vision. Then he continued saying, “Soaring in the winds my dear, doesn't mean you've found them. You've got a lot more to learn if you think that's the case."

He did not deter her. She simply replied back, “Everyone has a lot more to learn in life, why should I be any different?”

He sighed, realizing her determination and hedging a small amount of respect for it. She was persistent this one was. He cocked a smile to himself and spoke again, "That is true enough. Not many people think about that.” He paused a bit allowing a bit of silence in the conversation. Then he stated, “You’ve still not told me why the wings are so important to you."

She took a step closer, looking at his backside where he was seated and said to him, “Ever reach for something tipped on the edge of your toes and think to yourself, If I could just reach a little higher? Or have you asked yourself time and time again, Where do I belong? What have I done that's really worth something of value in this life? Is there more out there, waiting for me to find it?"

She stopped, momentarily wondering if he was even listening to her. But she kept her resolve to speak her piece. She had come so far to reach this man. She would not give up now. “There is so much more to all of this! So much more than we allow ourselves to see or even to feel, I think.

Wings stretch minds and open hearts to the worlds we once left behind or were forgotten in dreams long lost. They pick us up when we can no longer stand on our own. Heartbreaks come, yet we learn more about ourselves. And in that learning- sprouts of new discoveries. Discoveries in the wings of thoughts that we never knew we could think.

Wings carry our securities and our freedoms. They allow us to be ourselves and embrace what we don't understand or know. They help us love others. And they help us to love ourselves. Don’t you see? Wings are so much more than we understand. So much more than we can see with our own eyes.”

“I see more than you know child.” He said somberly. His curiosity was now piqued at seeing her resolute belief that wings were as real as the air breathed in. He then asked her, “How is it that you’re so sure that these wings still exist for you; or for the others for that matter?”

“Wings hold a metaphor for me. They are my reminder that we really do have the power to soar to heights beyond our dreams and hopes. When we use our wings, when we follow the path of where our hearts are begging us to go, that’s when we soar to the heights of our potential. That’s when we define new realities and open doors that we never even knew existed. Finding our wings just simply means finding ourselves as we were meant to be, not as the world would have us be.”

“And so you want your wings is that it? Asking me to help you find them? Bah, Child You know not what you ask for.” He stated in a moot attempt to dissuade her from continuing on her quest. He knew now, after having talked with this enigma of a child, that nothing could stop her. Indeed she might just find these wings that have been long lost to the people. There was strength in her that He felt sure he’d never seen in a person before. She would resurrect mythical beings to life just be conveying her convictions to a person, so adept was she at making you believe in things you’d lost interest in as a child. Her surety rang clearly in her voice. It shook him to his core and opened his eyes that had long lost the sight for such things.

She spoke again with a subtle confidence that was gentle and yet strong and pointed to his glass flooring that showed the world beneath his feet, “I know where my wings are. I do not need your help for that. What I want now is to help them find theirs.”

“You would change the world with your own hands?” he said. His respect for her grew immensely in that moment. How long had it been since someone offered to shoulder a responsibility he should have been shouldering all these years? How long had it been since one of them had even noticed that he wasn’t doing his assignment. A single tear crept from his eyes. He heard no condescending tones or judgment from her. How was it that she cared for him like that, despite his failing to carrying out his given assignment? An assignment only the Maker could give him.

And here this mite of a girl was convinced she had to help them find their wings, whether they wanted ‘em or not, no matter the cost to her. It spoke volumes to him about her character and that of his own. he felt the heat of his shame well up within his insides as he heard her speak.

“I could do nothing less. Neither should you. Will you help?”

It was then he looked up from his chair. He stood and turned to face the woman before him. With misty eyes that truly saw her for the first time, He spoke with a trembling voice, “My dear, It is you that has just now helped me to remember my own wings. Come, let us help the others.”

To Stop a Human Heart

2011-01-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

To Stop a Human Heart by April L. Gerard

Curious emotions,
don't always do what they're told.
We seem to feel these things,
these things that come with living-
that we are asked not to feel.

I never said that I wouldn't feel them,
stuffed here in my chest-
aches of hurts, angers, loves, joys, and pains.

Yes, I never said I wouldn't ever feel a thing,
I said I didn't want to act on them.
Never do I want to be rash or selfish,
simply because of how I feel.

But,

Silently inside these emotions tremble.
Tears sometimes fall as I never tell another soul,
what aches, what bleeds in here.
Maybe that makes me the fool.

Trees, stand tall and stoic,
they understand how to stay in one place.
Even if their hearts get scared,
even if they feel the beat grow too loudly in their chest,
still they stay and stand.

We could learn from the trees.

How they weather the storms,
how they feel the rains,
and the hot sun when it shines a bit too much.

We could learn to tame our steps.

To know how to stand with one another,
how to face the onset of time moving through its days.
We could, if we just stopped trying to stop ourselves.

But I wonder...I wonder are our hearts simply too wild?
And if so, does that mean we should run with it?
Cradle it in our hands;
Shelter it from feeling anything.
As if...
..as if a heart was meant not to feel anyway.

We are so very foolish to think so some days aren't we?

Lord, Hear My Cry

2011-01-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

Below is a song I wrote, shortly after all the testing my daughter was going through. I have debated and debated whether or not to share it- mostly because its a very personal piece for me and it is difficult for me to share my personal pains with others.

Last night though, my daughter became ill and was admitted into the hospital for overnight observation. I'm just now learning all the things that come with having a child who is treated with Chemo and such...but I believe that all will be well in the end. I believe because all my life, every thing I've ever experienced (not too much has been good believe me) has always taught me that the dark never lasts forever. Light always shine through and wins...

Lord Hear My Cry by April L. Gerard

Sleepless nights
and days of trial.
the Holy Bible
laid out next to me,
each night. Opened,
to where I left off.

I've nothing to do but believe.

Verses and notes
ring in my head,
as subtle lyrics
whisper so softly
and me without a pen.
So I try to remember
so I can write them again.

Her head laid on me,
hand in mine.
I'm feeling alone..
but I'm not Alone.
I'm feeling more down
than I've ever been.

Loneliness never ate at me before.
Till now that is.
till I had to bear her tears in my hands.
I'm not one to be afraid of things,
but who will listen to my tears?

Yet i know you're here
I know your here.

I've nothing left but to believe.
Believe.

Life is passing all around,
learning to find my way
and reach out to make new friends
in this pain-my dark of day.

Believing is the easy part,
it's watching the story that's hard.

She climbed the stairs,
leaned upon me,
she yelled in pain
though I could not ease.

All I can do is believe.

IF is not a word to Speak

2011-01-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

If is not a word to Speak by April Gerard

If the bottle becomes opened,
who would share it?
If the scars were all visible,
who would really care?
If the smile was gone,
Who would really notice?

If, often means discouragement,
so stop saying it.
If, often makes us re-think our dreams,
so stop letting it.
If, is far too often said when we are in doubt,
so stop being it.

What IF?
What if we could,
What if we did?
What if we finally started to see
ourselves and our potential?

That's a better IF.

IF you want to think better,
you must do it, not wish it.

IF you want to be,
then be what you want and do not wait
for someone to tell you that you can.

These Words are my Thoughts

2011-01-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

Well, since my poems aren't quite finished yet, below here is a letter of updates. Hope everyone is doing well in your corner of the world! Have a wonderful rest of the week :)

I'm working on a few more poems to share in the next coming days. My daughter seems to be doing really well with her chemo treatments, its just me that seems to be tired all the time- more so than she is. But I will not let the tiredness keep me from doing the things that I want to do, need to do, and love to do.

My book is getting further along, although it does seem to take me a long time to write even the smallest few paragraphs sometimes- I still keep at it. It's been almost 3 years since I started it, re-wrote it, and revised it to the point where it is now. I'm actually really excited about the direction and depth its taken. A few close friends give me their criticisms and thoughts- which I appreciate immensely and I have several artists who are interested in doing the illustrations for it. In all, I'm enjoying this process of not just writing- but breathing it. Even on the days I don't get a single new word written in it, I'm thinking of it and what next I want to put into it. It is also a good long term exercise for anyone who is trying to keep themselves going on pursuing One goal and see the efforts and progress you've made along the way.

Writing is really a good tool for reflection of yourself and the world around you. I don't know if others agree, but it seems to me that to really find what you want in life- you really have to get to know yourself and the things you hide from you, if that makes any sense. Either way, self reflection often times helps you to see which step you need to take and where you need to take it at. And then the hard part is always trying make yourself take those steps. Not the easiest thing, as I'm sure many of you are agreeing with me on.

Other things I seem to be living and breathing: I'm also getting more into the musical aspect of my life. Learning to sing again- and sing really well I might add. It has been a wonderful journey and an eye opening one. I've learned many things about myself in this. Some things I didn't want to see but needed to see, I've even come to understand what it has been all these years that frightens me about singing in front of others and thus, I've resolved to tackle that issue head on with the help of some friends who know more about music than I do.

I've also taken part in several reviews of others music and their performances which I find I really enjoy doing, not to mention that according to my friend Ajey over at the Odds are Good but the Goods are Odd, I'm apparently really good at reviewing music and spotting out both the good things and the not so good things that artists need to improve on.

I guess,even despite my daughter's health challenges and the other changes that have happened in my life over the past year, I'm really learning to be me again. And that my friends seems to be a wonderful thing! There are still some challenges,but as most of you have gotten to know by now, I'm not one to give up so easily... Life is still beautiful and challenges just make us stronger.

So, I've decided to Live. How about you?

Unspoken Destiny

2011-01-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

Unspoken Destiny by April Gerard
A drop of something in my hands,
something the eye cannot see.
There's written here
an unspoken destiny.

A dream that's mine, meant to be awakened.
Sometimes my feet stumble; sometimes I fall.
Sometimes I do not understand-Still, I try.
I keep trying, because I must.

Because there's this small inkling,
this something inside that knows for certain
I must hold this droplet without fail,
and let it speak for me.

Conflict of Hearts and Minds

2010-12-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

Conflict of Hearts and Minds by April Gerard

Seems I've been somewhat nearing something,
A river of thoughts conflicting and yet tied as one.
Vision of ice unfrozen, thawed scenes moving.
words of many, and some words of One.

My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

Course, gotta run it's course.
The beat found footsteps leaving.
They always do that.
Leave when it's too much,
when the heart stilled makes a sound.

I know they think me foolhardy.
I know they think I couldn't possibly see
so much in them.
Better they pretend I'll not be without for long.
Better someone else they think...

Still, I know they think wrong on that.
I'm learning things about myself though,
Seeing me in ways I never knew.
Growing again, maybe. At least for that,
I should tell them Thank you.

Then again, who knows, maybe it's best the way they want it.

Not sure if I believe it's best with this silence.
Can't make a person see in my head though,
can't make them believe in anything.
Don't even really know if I should.
Should I???

That's my gift though.
To see people as they were meant to be,
not as they've done or act now.
Doesn't help fill any lingering aches though.
Doesn't really matter I suppose.
Or does it? To me anyway, I suppose it might...but not to them.

People always have more inside them than they realize.
But they never believe it, I see it on their faces all the time.
Hear it in their voices.
I see it though, believe me- it's there.

Tough not to be able to see the whys
and yet, I've never had anyone leave that shouldn't.
I just didn't know it at the time.
But, this time seems different.
Is it me? Or do I just want something more than I should?

Can't tell,
don't really know.
These last few weeks have left me a bit hallowed-
numb really. If I had a hard time feeling anything before,
it's more difficult now.

She's too little to have to do all of this.

Isn't she? Leaves me wondering about others.
Strength is required to live in this,
yet I know some do not have this strength.
Weird how so many think they don't have the strength for life.
But that's what we're born with, it's a God given gift.

But, I know how it is. Understand how they think.
My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

Looking out on the World

2010-12-24T23:16:00.000-05:00

Questions I often ask myself ...by April Gerard

Why do we clip our wings?
What makes us think we're not worth it?
Why do so many believe love is never given freely?
Why do so many love with expectations of love being returned?
why is it so hard for others to understand friendship or to be a friend?
Do people really think its odd of me to think more of others than myself?
Why is seeing the potential in others often seen as being naive?
Since when was it ever ok to shelve our dreams?
Since when was it ok to make our kids stop imagining things?
Why is it so hard for people to understand things?
If we're all the same inside, why can't we see that on the outside?
What if everyone understood how much their own hands could really make a difference for everyone?
Why don't more people use caution when trusting how they feel with someone else?
How come we often don't realize how much we impact others, either for their good or detriment?
What if we changed how we saw ourselves?
How come its so hard for people to be alone?
Why do people believe so little in themselves?
Shouldn't more of us discover the feeling of "wonder" more often?
wouldn't we discover more about life if we stopped trying to control so much of it?
Why is it so important to some to control others?
why not just let go and let live?
What if more people actually believed that being "Human" is a beautiful thing?
I wonder if I'm not the only one who loves the enigmatic feeling that staring at stars often evokes in me?
What makes it so hard to tell how we feel?

I'm always thinking, always observing and wondering these sort of things. I often struggle with some of these very things- knowing I love the world and love the potential there is within each of us, and yet I get so frustrated or hurt at not knowing how to help others see the same wonder and awe I see in each of us. And then again, why is it so important to me that others do see that same wonder and awe in themselves? Funny how we often try to make others see our point of view. I guess I'm thinking alot today. Mostly thinking of a few friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Miss them and the conversations we would have, often revolving around this sort of questioning and pondering..

But, these are just my questions, some self-reflective and some not. Still, isn't it a grand thing to know that we will always have questions about things? Means that we will always be searching for answers and trying to learn- and that brings growth within, even without our knowing it sometimes.

So what are your questions?

Untitled

2010-12-22T23:20:00.000-05:00

Tired.
Strained.
Tears hidden,
in the mid of night.
Never giving up,
because I don't know how.
Always believing that the days ahead,
will be better than the days that have gone.

A Quick Update

2010-12-14T19:32:00.000-05:00

I have the best and most wonderful news I've ever recieved in my life! The doctors are very surprised, as they were 99.9% sure my daughter had cancer, the biopsy revealed that she has Hystiocytosis- a bone disease that is not cancer! The confounding thing to the doctors is how the Hystiocytosis is acting. All of her scans show it is acting more like an aggressive cancer would. Because of this, She will still have to have chemotherapy for the next year to manage the disease, but it is not as life threatening as Ewing's Sarcoma would've been. I'm very greatful for all the prayers and encouragement from everyone around the world!

Hope's Story

2010-12-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

I really wasn't sure whether or not to post this. But, I'm feeling like we could use all the support we can get. This past week has proven to be one of the most challenging weeks I've ever had- as a parent.

Eleven years ago, my firstborn was born at 31 weeks. I had been on bedrest for nearly 3 months. She was a tiny four pounds, eleven ounces. She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen. I named her Hope- because it took so much faith and listening to doctors at the time to even get her safely into this world.

I've just recently learned from the doctors that she will have the biggest battle she's ever had to face coming up. They've diagnosed her with cancer. When the biopsy results come back, they're pretty sure it will confirm it is Ewing's Sarcoma- an aggressive bone cancer. Chemo therapy will start this week.

My daughter, Hope, on the left. One of her best friends, Bri (Triana's daughter), on the right.
They love to play dress up and pose.

All I'm asking is that everyone who reads this to pray or keep positive thoughts in your minds about her health and well being. She is a strong little girl and I know she can overcome this.

Penny for My Thoughts

2010-12-03T16:00:00.000-05:00

Me, sizing up the "Snow Mountain" last year in Goshen/Elkhart, In.
picture taken and owned by Triana Evans.

Penny for My Thoughts by April Gerard

There's something about following
what you always felt you should do with yourself,
that brings out a confidence thats hard for others to shake off.

If I had a penny for all the times I said to myself,
"I'm gonna do these things; these things I've set out to do",
I'd have already made myself a millionaire.

It takes a certain courage to do what others deem crazy, irrational,
or what some even call irresponsible. Don't give up.

Don't you give up! You keep your faith solid
and your mind on the road ahead of you.

just 'cause you got to keep telling yourself
day in and day out where your going-
don't you dare try to take the easy way, you hear me?

Don't let others make your destiny for you.
Dream Catching is not an easy road,
but it's the One road more people should travel.

The Music of Wayne Starks

2010-11-30T17:00:00.006-05:00

Photo is of Wayne Starks and is his property. All rights are reserved.

I want to take a post here to divert a little from the poetry series I've started (which I will resume in a few days) and give you all a rundown of my good friend, Wayne Starks, newly released music. His new single releases entitled "Believe" and "Ruler" are available now on Itunes, with his debut album scheduled to be released in 2011.

I know I've stated on here on many occasions that I love all kinds of music. Doesn't matter what genre- I will usually listen to it all, as long as it is emotive, intrumentally well put together, or has extremely well written lyrics. Sometimes simple is best, sometimes the complexities speak volumes about our views and feelings about the world in which we live. Music, all forms of it, is what I consider to be the worlds greatest accomplishment. It is essentially the common ground that we all have. It builds bridges along paths that have long been broken down by religious views, cultural barriers, political agendas, etc. etc. Music is our universal language used to convey our emotions, thoughts, and ideas around the world.

That said, Wayne's voice and the way he uses it, makes me believe that he is going to be a powerhouse phenomenon and will reach many ears with an astounding presence. I have first hand seen his performances, the way he connects to his audiences and conveys his emotions so purely it catches your attention. It makes you say, "Woah, this Guy's got some talent." And believe it or not, he's as genuine in personality as he comes across in his music. He doesn't just sing and hit the notes, he makes you feel what he's feeling in the moment- which as a performer, is an important aspect to developing a fan base. They have to love not only your voice, but you, the artist, as well when you sing in this area of music.

"Believe" is the most powerful and positve message anthem for perserverance I've heard in a long time. The first lines "Why do you listen to all the negativity around you. With all the positive feedback, why is that what you choose? Why?" Caught my attention completely! How many of us have related to circumstances that led us to ask that very question, either of ourselves or of others? And the instumentation is skillfully put together to make the listener feel "very good" as they listen to this song. All of it- the choice of instruments used, the vocals, the rythm and the use of spoken dramatics in the background makes this song appealing to both the old and young alike. This song is the universal voice of hope to a world who sometimes forgets what hope feels like that says, "Keep going and Believe."

Taking a look at Wayne's other single release, "Ruler", one can see that it very adeptly caters to his voices strengths and give the listener a very good glimpse of what they can expect to come from his vocal range in the future. It has a healing quality (as Ajey, from the Goods are Odd but the Odds are Good has also pointed out) to it. There is a soothing and graceful appeal to it. Even if the lyrics message doesn't appeal to you, you can't help but feel how really extrodinarily beautiful Wayne's voice is and how flexible it can be in the varying ranges he is able to maintain. These ranges are a pleasant surprise to any listener. I know I was completely surprised when I first heard him sing in person at our church, Summit Church.

So give him a listen, see for yourself, and share it with those you know who might also appreciate it. But, believe me, Wayne's talent as a muscian has staying power because he's genuine and honest with his voice. A rarity these days with so many new artists out there who have voice range but no depth for emotional pull or stage presence.

Other Reviews of Wayne and What the World is saying about his beautiful music:

Reverbnation

The Odds are Good but the Goods are Odd

Urban Buzz

Destined2b1

blogtalkradio- Shronnelsonvarietyshow

Metamorphasis

2010-11-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

Photo art taken, edited, and owned by Me, April L. Gerard.

Metamorphasis by April L. Gerard

Growing inside,

you're learning- same as me.

Taking more than you thought,

but changing in that same breath of time.

You thought to stop..and pause,

to see the steps you've taken

and the harm that comes.

Not all of that harm came from you,

did you know?

Wrapped in a cocoon of hurt,

not sure where to go from here,

still you keep yourself protected-

even if it tears you apart inside.

But my friend, I see what's coming,

what will soon shine from you

and those wings of yours will be

the most gorgeous I've ever seen.

Silhouettes of Shaded Dreams

2010-11-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit late, by a day, in starting the next poetry series of mine. I'm daring myself to write a little more openly and hopefully more passionately. Maybe I'll succeed, maybe not- the one thing I want to note is that originally my intentions with this blog was to explore my own thoughts and ideas and to always give something positive back to the world. I can't promise that these next poems won't be emotional or have tinges of hurt, pain, or even anger. They are based on my own feelings and those I've heard expressed from others about situations or circumstances that they've dealt with. It is my hope that these next series, while they may explore our darker thoughts and fears we sometimes have, that they will at least have a hue of something that everyone can relate to at one time or another in their lives. I sometimes think we shut our emotional self away from others because it is hard to believe that someone else might understand it or even know how these things truly feel to us on the inside. Emotions are quite frankly one of the most intimate parts of ourselves and it is often very hard to share them without an element of trust in place.

Please enjoy and have a wonderful week! I'll try to return in the next few days or so with more poetry and thoughts to share :)

Photo taken and owned by me, April Gerard.

Silhouettes of Shaded Dreams by April Gerard

Marks of scars,
still unseen.
Water does not wash these,
Nor do the tears bring ease.

Yet light still shines in.
Giving up does not resound here.
Stars are best seen just before dawn,
in the darkest of Night's hour.

The unseen heart,
gripped in concealment,
pain, ignored in silent screams.
Echos of past gone by.

Yet dreams still exist,
dreams still come alive,
wonder is still evident in the world.
Dreams become colored with passion.

Hope does not wane,
Love does not leave,
even when the road of scars
beats down on the soul so heavily.

Born are visions of what could be
instead of what has been,
Challenges have shaped these,
these are the silhouettes of Shaded Dreams.

The next series of poems

2010-11-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

I have had a very busy, but productive weekend. I know that this year, I haven't posted nearly as much of my poetry, thoughts, or short stories has I had the previous year, but I do intend to write more often again soon.

Please be patient with me, there are many poems that I want to share with you all as I find the time to post them. But for now, I need some rest and some time to think to myself tonight. I hope all is well with everyone and I hope to post my next series of poems starting on this coming Tuesday evening, as long as everything goes well between now and then ;)

Take care everyone and have a wonderful week!

Where My Thoughts Take Me

2010-11-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the movie "The Ultimate Gift" on my laptop. I don't have a tv, so I make do with the laptop when I decide to sit down and actually watch a movie (which isn't very often). I needed a diversion from thinking on the events that have been happening in my life.

So much has happened in the last month or so.

The list of trials and personal tears shed are numerous. I even have an unpublished draft post on here that spells out a long night of prayer and tears that I had for myself a few weeks back.. but, these things are teaching me some things that I hadn't understood quite as well as I thought I had. It is quite amazing to me right now, but even though alot of this stuff I've been experiencing has been really difficult- it has also been worth the experience. Not sure how to explain that exactly, but its been like opening the jar of fireflies and taking a closer look at what makes us (or myself as an example) light up, what makes the world shine? We are the what makes up the world, are we not?

In my way of thinking, the jar is representative of us on an individual scale, and the fireflies representative of all the "lights" that could possibly be inside one person. All the dreams, all the things we could accomplish... it all seems so real to me all of a sudden. I've always believed in my own dreams and my ability to make them a reality- but somehow, right this very moment, I'm feeling a strong sense of conviction. I'm not trying to make them happen anymore, they're already there and I'm just walking the steps neccessary to get to them.

I'm used to "going thru" things, so the idea of letting them stop me from going to where I intend to go with these dreams of mine, seems really absurd. I'm re-discovering a concept I learned early on as a child- that whatever we go through might be difficult, but the challenge of learning to walk through those trials makes us more than just stronger on the inside- it also shapes our confidence, our abilities and skills needed to obtain our goals, and perhaps more importantly it shapes our hearts. It makes us better humans, better people.

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen is a person with a heart that wants to be more than they can imagine, and they believe their heart when it says the impossible is always possible. I am sitting here right now thinking how blessed I am to know several wonderful human beings who are this way. I am also chuckling to myself as I write this knowing that each one of them would shake their head at me and say I need to re-examine what I think I know about them. They can disagree all they want, I know what it is I see in each of them. Someday, the world will see it too.

I guess what I'm saying is this:

We are meant to dream and we are all meant to share with the world what beautiful dreams we have inside of us. This, this is where my thoughts take me...

Have a wonderful week everyone!

To Ease My Soul

2010-11-03T18:27:00.000-04:00

My hand holding a teacup rose. Photo owned byTriana Evans

To Ease My Soul by April Gerard

A Black Piano,

those lovely keys.

they somehow bring

a solace to me.

A microphone and
a lone room to give
my soul's music room to flow.

Like water.
it pours out from me.
a spring from within,
I let myself be free.

It takes the rythym of my heart,
my emotions that run deep.

Every secret thing I wish,
every hurt I choose to forget
is told here, in these tunes of mine.
I know not the answer.
not the answer to anything,
but I play.

Play because I want to,
because I need to.

I sing to ease my soul
of its pains, to remind it of its joys,

and

that I will not always feel this way.

This, this is what
I need today.

but I have no piano,
no room with a stage
or microphone to use.

So instead, I choose to play
the melodies right here,
Right here..in my head.

To ease my soul; to feed it bread.

Papers Filled

2010-10-28T16:48:00.000-04:00

Photo taken from
http://www.psdrockstar.com

Papers Filled by April L.Gerard

There are paper notes here,
words written,
never shared,
that say so much more
than I ever really say out loud.

papers filled,
edges blurred.
Ink. Just ink.

I hear melodies in my head
when the words seem more like song,

I hear the sounds of others voices,
when the words are things I want them to hear.

papers filled,
Ink. Just ink...

yet, the substance
the feel of it,
the tones and textures-
is so much more.

These matter to me,
people matter to me.
So much really does matter to me,

There are papers here,
filled with goals and dreams.
Filled with what I see in you
What I see in me.

its not just Ink.
Not. Just. Ink.

Its all.
Its Everything,
all the beautiful things
that are within you.
Within me.

it runs the ink dry,
blurs the edges...

These words
they say so much more
than I know how to say,
about the beauty of
what it means to be
as human as we.

Tangled Shades

2010-10-21T17:30:00.002-04:00

Tangled Shades by April Gerard

Lines of invisibilities drawn,
what is Right? What is Wrong?

I've heard it said,"Its plain as day, either Black or White"
and I think to myself,

no. No its not.

The world was not based on either or's.

The world is vastly much more.

Sometimes it's both,

sometimes it's neither.

Sometimes grass is not quite green,

and the sky is often more than blue.

Primary colors,as we are taught,

are the base- but not the end result.

Reds, yellows, and blues

become tangled mosaics.

Beautiful and unique,

Shades of grey exist

All photos on this post are
the property and work of my
good friend, Joel Steiner,
Family Services Director
of St. Joeseph County
Habitat for Humanity.

even in nature.

A light may reach and touch,

but in tones, in measures different

than others.

We are not simply lines drawn

with no depth.

We are colored with

shades of Beauty,

shades of Life,

Shades of Love.

A Soul's Light

2010-10-18T11:34:00.000-04:00

picture taken and owned by my mother, Sheila Nulf.

A Soul's Light by April Gerard

Uniqueness definitive
of brilliant subtleties.
An uncommoness found
in everyday commons.
Newness yet generations aged.
Wisdom within,
Wonder without.
Ache of possibilities;
half cocked smile
as thoughts of what shines
comes in.
People are beautiful,
our Souls are beautiful.
There is so much to us,
so much.
It could illuminate
the world...

A simple design, but new look..

2010-10-13T17:30:00.013-04:00

First off, Thank you Ajey for helping to redo the header that I have on here..it truly looks amazing!

I hope that all is well with all of my fellow bloggers/readers across the globe. For myself, I have recently been having some health challenges- but not anything that I can't overcome. I am taking the advice of my doctor and trying to work in more rest and less stress. Overall though, other than being a bit tired every now and then, I'm doing good and will continue to get better everyday. I gotta tell you though, I really don't know how to function well when I force myself to do less instead of more...hmm. Still working on that.

In other news:
As many of you can see, I've managed to learn how to change the look of my blog! Though the background is for the most part a very simple design, it is a clean and fresh look. And best of all, I managed to figure out how to do it all by myself (with a little help here and there lol)- including how to backup my blog so that should I need to restore it to what I had before-I could. Also the back up means that I now have a hard copy of all these posts- both the ones published and the ones still in draft form safely copied for future use. Yeaaaay!

I can figure out this technology stuff...lol ;) There are still a few fixes I need to do- especially about the previous videos I've posted... but I'm getting there.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week! I know mine is bringing with it some challenges, but I think for the most part I'm ok with that. It seems I'm learning how to dance- even in the rain, as our dear friend Diane is often apt to say!

and I'm in the mood for a little Sister Hazel music...so here is one of my favorite songs by them its called "Change your Mind", it helps to remind me that all i need to do is to change my attitude when I'm having a frustrating day...:

Where I Want To Be

2010-10-05T17:00:00.010-04:00

I have been on a remarkable journey these last few years of self discovery, self reflection, self forgiveness, self love, and most importantly the forgiveness and love of others..despite anything said or done to my own harm. I had not realized that these were the things I've been searching for, longing for in my life. I am finding that as I grow as a human being, I am becoming a better and more compassionate being. Below is a poem I've recently written and a few quotes that I find to be extremely wise, insightful, and worth carrying in our pockets to remind us everyday of how we should carry ourselves....

Photo of my hands holding a daisy, taken and owned by Triana Evans.

Where I Want To Be by April Gerard

My life is taking a new direction.
It's beautiful.
It's scary.
But I'm willing to walk it
because
it's better than where I've been.
It has all that I will ever need.
And, it makes use
of every talent
every dream.
Every seed of hope
that I've ever sown
and continue to sow
brings
Love of Life,
Forgiveness of others,
enduring Joys,
and peace of mind.
This road is where I want to be,
even with it's tears,
the lessons learned, and those
to be learned- This is where I want to be.

‎"to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that that prisoner was you."- Lewis B. Smedes

"Life is easier than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable." - Kathleen Norris

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the universe; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of all that's within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson Mandela

Believe

2010-10-03T16:23:00.000-04:00

Me, last winter on a "snow mountain" in Elkhart, In. Photo owned and taken by Triana Evans.

BELIEVE by April L. Gerard

Believe

In yourself,

your dreams,

in your ability to forgive others,

AND your ability to forgive yourself.

Believe

that mountains will not deter you

that friends can and do make a difference

that Love will find you and Love you anyway,

no matter who you are or what you have or haven't done.

You are beautiful and as you begin to trust that you can,

your heart will know a new feeling,

a new way of seeing the world.

Just Believe.

Finding Grace

2010-09-30T16:38:00.000-04:00

Pictures owned and taken by Shadow (I couldn't chose between the two and you take wonderful photographs my dear friend!)

Finding Grace by April L. Gerard

Tears fell from my cheeks,

my eyelids did not wish to open as I weeped.

I never understood such pain of my heart,

so I ignored it in silence.

Silence of years.

Giving to fill up the emptiness.

Needing what could not be seen.

I've come to see,

though it is a road I do not know,

I see now that

Grace somehow is finding me.

I don't know what to do with what I've found,

perhaps it will go, perhaps stay.

But

For now, the beautiful pain

of growing into a new dawn,

spreading out those precious wings,

that my friends,

That is worth every breath one takes. 

I do not know much about the guy this quote is from, but the quote itself is very powerful to me today. it is:

"Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it."- Yrjo Kallinen

A few thoughts and some music to share..

2010-09-27T16:50:00.001-04:00

I wrote a poem today and I couldn't bring myself to post it on my blog. The fact that I wrote it for me was enough. I'm struggling between a few things in my head, but I know that whatever these challenges of mine may be- they are not strong enough to break me. They never were. And to a friend, Thank you for the book recommendation...I've got lots of questions for you now.

There are two very different songs that have been in my head as well, they are: "Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers and "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day.

Train of thoughts for the day...

2010-09-22T22:56:00.001-04:00

I've got a lot on my mind..this post may ramble a bit..

Triana had a major accident, she fell from a cliff yesterday, but she is slowly on the mend. I never want to feel that feeling of loss as I did when I realized just how close a call it was. She's been my best friend for over 17 years...I couldn't fathom her not being here. I am soooooo thankful and grateful that she is still here with us and I know she is going to continue to be with us for a very long time on this earth :)

In other news: Good things have been happening lately, but it seems I've been thinking alot about how the past has or still does in some ways affect the present or the here and now of my decision making abilities. I've been asked to write a series of words that describe me, but how do you describe yourself without revealing yourself? But, I'm well aware that the excercise is meant to do just that...still, I hesitate on it. But, I will do it as I promised I would.

I was also told (well the whole rehearsal group/posse at church was asked to do this) to look up and review old school music that had parts..or harmony. Music that you could hear the different backing of alto, soprano, or tenors. I have been doing that and this music video was one of the last ones I watched...which made me a bit nostalgic and led to other thoughts....

...thoughts that leave you Remembering things, acknowledging things, realizing some things about yourself and about others.

My good friend Deborah said to me today on the phone something along the lines of "April, I'm feeling like great things are going to be happening for you. Its almost like your a butterfly who has finally given itself permission to leave the cocoon" - that made me glad that I've been following what my heart and head say they're in agreement on here lately.

But it doesn't mean I still don't battle myself and wonder about things sometimes. In fact I recently had an interesting conversation with another friend of mine, who point blank said to me, "You're scary sometimes with how perceptive you are of others." I am glad, however, that I'm not soooo scary that they don't talk to me anymore..but it does reveal alot to me about how others percieve me to be.

I think my brain is trying to fit these things into the grand scheme of things..organizing, analyzing, and quite frankly...wondering about so many things.

The most important thing though- is how incredibly strong my confidence and determination has become. These dreams of mine have become more to me than just dreams, they're my future, they're where I'm heading, where each step is taking me. They are truly becoming real to me, tangible, attainable, and possible.

I guess what I'm saying is that where ever it is I have been in life doesn't matter much anymore...hurts are hurts that sometimes leave scars, but its where I'm going that matters and what I intend to do with the talents given to me that matter most. And I intend to make the most of it everyday I live.

That's alot of what I'm thinking right now, so I think its time to get a few other things done before I head to bed. Been in Minnesota all week for a training for work and have to get up early to head to class in the morning...so I really ought to start thinking about sleep now :)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Clips of Conversations and Inspiration

2010-09-17T17:30:00.001-04:00

Different conversations teach you things, make you wiser, or make you want to improve your own self. As a way of saying thank you to a few individuals, I've posted below clips of conversations I"ve had with others. For me, as I think back on what either i have learned or what others have learned from me as a result of these conversations, this is what is inspiring. When we say the things we need to hear, encouraging and lifting one another up instead of bashing them down with our words- then we are truly being the friend, the lover, and the giver that the world needs. I hope that these little clips inspire you each as well.

In Understanding the roads You've traveled:

"Isn't the What and the Why the same thing?" I just shook my head and said, "No. One is effect and one is causal. You have to know and understand the cause before you really understand the effect. Likewise, the what and the why could be either the effect or the cause, its up to you to figure which one caused something or was the effect of something."

Taking advice when you'd rather not:

"now, read me and read this good, okay? April, you are a good person. you are charming, you are intelligent, and you are extremely talented. and the jump card- you are extremely caring. When we penis-bearing individuals don't get enough liqour, dope, ciggys, women is what we want. Your trump card is your biggest vulnerability. Stop being nice to everyone and anyone."

Learning that being nice also means telling the truth:

"I'll have you know though, I'm not really that nice. Like you, I say it like it is."

"and how is that not nice? I did not say you are soft and mushy! I said you are nice! nice is being honest and all."

Finding Laughter with a best friend:

http://waitingbehindcloseddoors.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-i-i-iphone.html

Being there for a Friend:

"What's wrong?"
"heart hurts a bit."
"why is that?"
"long story."
"I'm listening..err well reading that is :)"
"I don't want to put this shit on you, you have enough to worry about."
"Hey, I'm your friend remember?"
"I know, and that's why I can't"
"Well, too bad, tell me anyway"

"I'll call you in a bit."

"Ok. I'll wait to hear from you then. Keep your chin up, you at least got someone willing to listen, though I can't fix anything."

Being encouraged by a Friend when your world crumbles beneath your feet:

I think you are a very courageous and brave woman. The decisions and changes you have made couldn't have been easy, but made them you did, for you knew in the long run that they were and are the right ones. Now you have to go about re-building a 'new' life, and that will of course bring its share of ups and downs, and that horrid horrid self-doubts. Maybe the thing to do in those momentary dark moments, is to think back to the really bad times, the times you were ready to crumple up and sink away.That will surely push you through and give you the hope and determination to keep on going.

Giving advice to a friend:

"Just because you may have made mistakes that hurt another person, does not give that person the right to break you and your spirit just because they can."

And being open enough to listen when someone else speaks:

http://www.summitministriesinternational.com/index2.php

Thank you to everyone for the inspiration. Here is a song I love by Micheal Franti !!!!! Enjoy Everyone!

Memories and Whispers

2010-09-09T17:00:00.001-04:00

The above picture is of my Stepdad and my oldest Daughter, Hope, when she was 3 months old I think. It was taken several years before he passed away.

Memories and Whispers by April Gerard

I remember you.
Challenging me...
changing me.

Showing me a good man.
with faults, but still a good man.
Showing me humanness and kindness.

Showing that mistakes do not always
say a person is a failure, that men
can be and often are just as human as me.

I listen to a song called Almost Home,
that describes you to me.
and I smile.

No feat was too big
to tackle,
No word could undo
what you set out to do;
set out to be.

Nothing was empty
in the dreams you
said..to just try..

nevermind the No's
the incomprehension from others,
or the roads you've traveled in life before today.

Don't worry so much what others think April.

They're your dreams,
it's your Life...
Live it. Live it! you'd say.

Yes, I remember you in memories
and in whispers that will never go away.

to be Healed

2010-09-02T17:52:00.000-04:00

For six individuals who have made an impact on my life- because as your friend, I could never think less of you for anything you've ever done or ever would do.

I have been thinking alot about different people I know personally from all across the globe. This post may get lengthy and may ramble on, but I want to share these thoughts I'm having so here goes..

I have had several of my close friends share with me some intimate details of their lives. things that make a person wiser,and makes me appreciate people for who they are, not who I could envision them to be.

I have a few friends who have been hurt so deeply, that they wishe to not take part in the world anymore, still live yes, but interact with others..no. the assumptions that are often made by the rest of us about what they do or don't know about life are what leave them wandering the earth, more content alone than with others. Its sad, so sad that we say things thinking that our own thinking must surely be right. Since when did we as humans become more than humans?

You know, a 21 year old Man once said this when I asked what they knew of Life and Love, "It is such a thing that is frail, yet caught in the grasp of a collection of burs---wild and stoic like dreams often are. It is such a thing that demands blood, yet beckons rejuvenation in the same breath. I suppose love and life are counter opposites for some people. Ah! Breathe in the air and never be afraid of the future; we die so quickly April.

We die terribly fast."

It doesn't matter a persons age, young or old; it doesnt matter what their addictions are or aren't; doesn't matter what we think we know about someone else just by observing their habits. Understanding is something very few really "understand".

I have another friend of mine who once led people to understand and love their faith. He no longer leads or follows that passion of his because of his experiences with the world. I wish somehow I could give that love of following his faith back to him.

Another friend struggles with committments, another struggles with breathing and still giving, another struggles with peoples assumptions and perceptions...all of them love the world despite the world failing to love them. They are the most beautiful people I know. Broken individuals yes. But beautiful, beautiful souls.

If I had one thing to say to these beautiful people I know and others who have walked in similiar shoes..its this:

Sometimes you have to forgive that the world doesn't understand, that they don't know the hurt that their own words would cause. We all make mistakes, but that is because we are all human. Drugs of choice may be our addictions....but never forget addictions are never stronger than we are for our faith is innate, a gift given to us by a higher power.

Forgive yourself.
Love yourself
and live.

Here are two videos that speak of what's on my mind and what I hear from these precious friends of mine. The album, The Sound of Madness, by Shinedown has put together these concepts, these maddening things we do to one another...it is my hope that we as collective individuals learn to love without neccessarily understanding or changing someone else to suit our own views...just love them for who they are because you really don't know how much they care about you..the world.

of Dreams

2010-08-31T18:42:00.000-04:00

Picture contributed by Shadow, blog author of 1 door away from Heaven, and one of my best friends through blogger. All rights to this image are hers.

of Dreams by April L. Gerard

This,
This is what I've dreamed for so long.
There is a story here,
untold,
unheard,
outside of the periphery
of possiblities thought up
by commonness.
By comforts clung to.
But I dream,
I dream of this,
this tranquil sea.
These moments
of my impossibilites
becoming possible;
of Dreams
made of these.

Cracked open

2010-08-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

Image by Dreamofsandman from Deviantart,edited by Ajey Padival

Cracked Open By April Gerard

A peak,
a bit of light shines
through the crack
in the door.

A barrenness here..

Not supposed to
be able to see it.

Frustrations
bottled emptiness.

Let them out!
But how can things be let out,
when its all just empty anyway?

Something..
something's changed

possibilities,
hope? Don't know.

The crack,
it shouldn't be there,
the wall should've held steady.

Yet,
the pictures..
they look different now.

Somethings changed.
some things change.

Fears? Don't know.

But there's a crack
where there wasn't one before...

These are Mine

2010-08-17T17:09:00.003-04:00

Photo art created and contributed by Ajey Padival, any and all rights of this image are his and is used with his permission.

These are Mine by April L.Gerard

Breathe.
Isn't it beautiful?
hands to do what good can be sown,
these..these are mine.

Air pulled in deep,
a sense of life..of living.
Excitement at what these hands are doing,

yes..

these..these are mine.
I think with a satisfied smile..these are mine.

Catching Dreams

2010-08-07T17:23:00.000-04:00

I've been in a mood of sorts lately. Lots of stressers and ups and downs, but they are good for me. Helping me understand what and where I really want to go. Its all reaffirming for me that the goals I'm working towards are the ones I need to do and can do in this life. I'm just keeping on moving forward with all these dreams I've got, even the ones that I'm not sure I can do somedays when I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything. It seems there are connections and networks being placed in front of me...not to mention certain signs in life that are reminding me of just exactly what it is I'm good at and can do, if I just let myself. So that is what I've been working on.

My book is progressing, slowly but it is getting there. I've joined an art group, which is one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time. It helping to open up the creative block that I felt I was having for awhile. I've also been going to karoake with Triana, trying to get myself used to singing again in front of people. So far, so good. though I'm going to need more practice at it than just karoake..but I'm working on that as well.

anyways, I realize I'm just rambling on here, but I just wanted to say to everyone what I always say: keep chasing those dreams till you catch them and make them real enough that you can look back and say, "I did that."

Here is a song that I've been listening to lately that I'm really liking and while it doesn't exactly fit my theme here of catching dreams, it does sort of describe my up and down mood that I've been in as of late...

Lost

2010-08-04T17:52:00.000-04:00

picture found at this address: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3250/3047805704_5e265cc6c6.jpg

Lost by April Gerard
written on 6-8-2010

Trembles
these hesitations,
finding
the way
it moves.

Truthful
yet obligations,
seep
the tone
infused.

Terrified
remnants open,
taken
the voice
of muse.

Turned
many directions,
lost
the sound
of you.

Tallied
youth generations,
told
the lost
anew.

Say Goodbye to Loves

2010-08-02T20:15:00.000-04:00

***picture taken from this site: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3065/2948399736_61f60770b3.jpg

To Say Goodbye to Loves by April L. Gerard

Say it, I say to myself.
Just say it.

As a slow smile
crosses my face,
And wistful tears
down my cheeks I taste.

Remember hop scotch,
jump rope, and letters
with x's and o's?

feelings remembered..
How did they come and go?
Yesterdays and Tomorrows,

Gone.

The you I found and lost,
the me I saw and let go.

Say it, but I just can't say it.

holding on to the words,
the inflections, the tones.

the fairy tale of simpleness,
of swing sets, and monkey bars.

Of hand holding and fast cars.

Innocence wrapped up
in the shiny packages
of grown up senses.

Evenings without lonely.

Reaching, longing
for that not too distant past.

Saying "Red Rover" or "Tag, your it"
in letters sent, freely given
in a teasing smile...

a smile of my heaven,
that never existed yet.
all of it, all these things
have me.

My fingers ache
for the touch of piano keys,
a lone room and microphone
to sing along to my heart's
misery.

as I used to do years ago.
Just to help myself to let it go.

To say Goodbye to Loves
and hope like hell it comes back one day.

Color of Midnight Rain

2010-07-23T15:18:00.000-04:00

**Many thanks to my brother in law for his unexpected play on words as he described the color of Blue to my eldest daughter. His phrase"Color of Midnight Rain" reminded me of some other things in life and hence, it sparked this poem to life a few weeks ago.**

photo below taken from this site: Desktop Nexus

Color of Midnight Rain by April Gerard written on 7-5-2010

The mood,

the sway,

the cast of Virgin blue.

It speaks of you,

like the color of midnight rain.

A tie,

knotted rope,

Anchored deep in emotion

A ship rocked,

with hardened waves,

unable to move from the storm.

It feels of you,

this mood colored of midnight rains.

Photographs: A Short Story of fiction by April Gerard

2010-07-16T16:59:00.000-04:00

**again, picture is not mine- found it on superstock and it did not give who was the photo's owner..but it does fit the theme of my little short story here so I hope they do not mind me using it**

Photographs: A Short Story of Fiction

written by April Gerard

She lifted the photograph from her stand near the sofa and pressed her worn, wrinkled hands over the glass- as if to caress the memories it conjured in her mind. So many years have gone by she thought. It was getting more and more difficult to get around these days. She sat down slowly, holding on to her cane to brace her body from falling down too suddenly. Old age it seems has a way of catching you unawares.

A smile came to her lips, but only half so, as if in disbelief that the picture was really so long ago. They were all grown now, beautiful souls they were. Handfuls back then. She let her hands run along the edge of the frame and with a sigh, held it in both hands at her lap and she lifted her chin a bit while her eyes gazed off into the memories of the distant past.

"Mama, Where are we going?" the youngest yelled from the back seat. The two boys were fighting over who got the rubix cube next. One had undone the seatbelt reaching over the girls to the other, trying to take it out of the other boy's hand.

"Darrin, that's enough! You get your tail end buckled back up or so help me I'll make sure your butt's blistered good and red if I got to pull over this here car!" She shook her head, put her elbow up on the window sill to let her hand rest on her forehead. It took every bit of fiber in her being not to let them tears run down her cheeks while she kept her hand on the wheel and the eyes back and forth between the road ahead of her, the rearview mirror, and the children in between. The car, a big boat, seemed as sluggish as she felt- overworked and over worn with use. She had crammed all their belongings in that pale mint green '69 buick skylark. Damn two door things were heavy as hell, but they at least kept the kids inside the vehicle.

"Mama, are we there yet?" one of the girls piped up.

"Yeah Mama I'm hungry!" the other said.

"You might be hungry, but I gotta go pee! Mama I gotta go pee!" said the first girl.

"Give me that back! MAMA! Darrin took it and he won't give it back!" that was Damian, trying hard not to let his tears of frustration eek outta his eyes. Him and his brother never could get along. Even to this day they still had them fights that liked to near knock the breath outta her. Her own eyes misted a bit, that day had been a hard one. For the kids, it had just been one long, hot, and tiring drive. They hadn't known that they weren't coming back. If they had lord knows that her two oldest ones might never have stepped inside the car.

They had tried so hard to please that bastard of a man, they adored him and feared him 'tall the same time. They never knew it weren't supposed to be that way.

The weathers were a brewing up a storm that day. She could feel it in her bones, the way you knew for certain hard times were up ahead. And she had been right. Those next few months with them kids of hers were near more than she could take, but she did. Raised up right and proper she did. Well, at least as much as any one Mama could do on her own in them days.

She looked a good while at her hands, noting the wrinkles & the new browning spots coming up here and there, hardly noticeable to the untrained eye. So many changes in her since then. That day had been her 24th birthday.

She had had no real belongings of her own, raising up kids while she was near a youngun' herself. Talia & Darrin both born less than a year apart when she was 15. But man how her eyes thought the world of their father then.

He was gonna rescue her, swept her clean off her feet with them there innocent eyes of hers looking at him like he was a the way outta the dirt poor conditions waiting for her at her Mam's house. Yes Sir, he was gonna be a fine gentleman for her to be with. Not 'tall like them fellas looming across the street from her Mam's house. To hell with what all these nobody's around her thought, didn't look as though they were getting outta this place. No Sir, she was getting out and he was her ticket.

'Course she wasn't one for listening to what everybody else had to say either. Lord knows she had to learn them there lessons the hard way.

"Yes" She thought to herself, "I shore did have to learn 'em the hard way." She ran her fingers across the edge of the frame of the photograph. So many many memories. Such a rough road, but one that had been well worth the travel. Years, watching them grow into fine young men and women. She smiled to herself, the road had definitely been worth the travel...even if it did seem near 'mpossible then....

Seedling

2010-07-10T11:28:00.000-04:00

Hope that everyone is having wonderful weekend. Here is a bit of poem from me to all of you .

**The picture below is not mine, I found it on the web a few months ago and really liked it...though I don't know to whom to credit it too, they do have their signature on it in the top left hand corner of the image and I hope they don't mind me using it in this instance. I think it fits the poem of mine perfectly. **

Seedling by April Gerard

A seedling I am

just a small thought

pocketed in determination's hands.

Ideas are growing

sprouting a few roots here and there

Plans, dreams, visions rooted in these.

Sprouts of courage,
of moving forward without looking back
making my way into this world of disarray

and loving what I see
and what could be...

The seedling planting seeds for the world to see.

To All

2010-07-02T17:57:00.000-04:00

I apologize for my lack of postings everyone, I've been busy- but that's not really the reason (we all know that busyness has never stopped me before). Its just that for now, I've been focusing on other things and when I sit down to write a blog post..things come out, but not things I want to share yet. I don't really know what to do with that yet, so I figure its best to be patient with myself and let my mind sort things out on its own. Some of these drafts are really wonderful, some not so great..but I am working on my creativity..just not posting it like normal. And for those who were wondering, yes my book is on its way to being finished... not done, but getting there one step at a time.

Thanks guys for reading my stuff and being patient with me...Hope everyone is doing well and that Life is bringing with it precious memories for you!

A Repost...My Reflective Confession from May 4, 2009

2010-06-22T17:20:00.000-04:00

I believe Love is the Ultimate healer, but I never say it out loud. I think actions always speak louder than words, when your in the company of others. I am partially deaf, but it allows me to read what your really saying. I am old fashioned, but I believe it is the way a lady should be. I think hand written letters are a sign of respect and love of the individual to whom you write. Writing is a passion of mine and I write letters to people often, I just never send them out. Sometimes, there aren't enough words to say how another person makes you feel. I believe terms of endearment should never be used lightly. I am the person who will willing drive miles just to hold someone's hand and tell them everything will be ok. I fail to give enough I think sometimes. My children are the world. I am only lonely on the inside, but I need to be alone on the outside sometimes. It is always my two hands that can change the world, and so it is with you. Books are like an addiction for me, I can never get enough of them. There is one person's voice that soothes my soul, and I never get to hear it enough. It is a voice I didn't know existed, until recently. I'm afraid to lose what I'm not sure I've even found. FAITH is more important than religion ever was. Roads always have curves and hills, and sometimes they lead you up mountains you didn't know you had the strength to climb. I feel naked when I write sometimes. It makes me feel self conscious, but I still write. I think maybe that's being brave. My life is precious to me, because I only get to live it once. I believe in the saying "speak the truth, even if it leads to your death." Friends, true friends, are far and few between. Life is precarious and moves through time ever so quickly, yet a moment in time is instantly and permenantly etched in our memories- as though we never moved from it. People often forget things, they mean no harm by it. I forget things. I fail at a lot of things, but I always keep trying. I cry a lot, but only when no one is looking. I've discovered that one tear hurts more than a flood of them do. I've had dreams of me sprouting wings and flying. They were so real that I distinctly remember the wind in my face as I soared above the ground. I've felt the power of raw hate, and hated myself for it. I will never do wrong to anyone, not even my worst enemy, if I can help it. I'm not an alcoholic, but many in my family are. I'm afraid to drink because of it. I have a tattoo to remind me that I make mistakes, that I am human. I have it because I hold myself to standards no one can live up too. I often think more of others than I do of myself. I want to be wanted. I want to love. I want to live. I feel selfish and ashamed of these wants. What was never broken, can't be fixed. But what is broken, can sometimes be shattered. I believe there is one person for everyone, but I also believe we are often too impatient to wait for them. I love plants and things that grow. I've climbed to the very tops of trees, just to see the world around me from a different view. I've fallen from those treetops trying to do just that. But I would climb them again in a heartbeat. Music is the world's best accomplishment. It is also my biggest love. Scars are a reminder of where you've been and what you've learned. I have many scars, both inside and out. I feel like a caged bird with broken wings. I want to let my hair down. I want to feel free again. I am angry at myself for not making better choices. But I always take responsibility for them. No one ever said life was supposed to be easy, and no one should ever feel they were somehow cheated if it isn't. A rubberband can only be stretched so far before it breaks, please do not treat me like one. I love beautiful things and I think people are beautiful. Passion is important. You should never trust too many people with yourself, but you should trust in at least one person to know yourself. I like walking in the middle of the night. I think stars are the most beautiful and mesmerizing things to look at. I respect myself enough to be choosy in who I share myself with. I believe I have the right to be respected. I do not take my own advice very well. I believe that happiness comes from inside of yourself, not outside of it. I am stubborn to a fault. I love unconditionally. There is always more in life to learn and there is never enough of life to learn it all. Someday, I will find myself again.

To Be Discovered

2010-06-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

Lots of life decisions seem to be presenting themselves to me lately. Course, I think I made my decisions a long time ago, just in the act of re-affirming them here recently maybe.

I'm very near the completion of one of my novels I've started...its really a great feeling to know I'm getting closer to some of my life goals. Sometimes I think we often "think" we've lost ourselves in our process of learning, living, and making what we percieve to be mistakes in the journey. But we don't really lose ourselves do we...often times, its quite the opposite in that we find or "discover" ourselves. And it often serves as a reminder that no mistake ever made gave nothing- for we always gain knowledge of something in the course of trial and error. And in my case, I'm starting to believe that what might be percieved as a mistake is actually the best thing I've had happen...but that is sort of a complicated thing to explain, so I'm not even going to try.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm rambling on here, but my thoughts are trying to sort out many plans, ideas, and concerns. I guess I feel like I am "discovering" many things, some good suprises and some not so good..but all are very eye opening and enabling me to see me in a different way.

Have a good night/day everyone! and enjoy the short poem..

To Be Discovered by April Gerard

I don't know
everything I wish to know,
everything I am
is already in me,
waiting to be discovered.

Personal Growth

2010-06-15T18:15:00.000-04:00

Today, i've decided that rather than share a poem, I'd share a journal entry. Remember I always make comments about how I write to myself alot and have several unposted drafts on here? In fact to date I have over 560 posts of published and unpublished written works of mine on this blog that began 3 years ago. Yes, I've been here for 3 years on blogger and its been a wonderful journey for me.
Maybe this post will be interesting to you, maybe not..either way, the one thing you will get out of these journal posts, if I continue to post them, is that you'll learn more about me the writer and author of this blog and what it is in life that often inspires me.

Take care everyone and Have a wonderful Day or Evening!

January 21, 2010 a Journal entry by April Gerard

Did you know that I went out last week and Karaoke'd with Triana for the first time? She's never heard me sing in front of people.

Well, I did and for not having enough to drink, I didn't do too badly even though I know it could have been better. A lot better. Still, later after talking with Tri the next day, she informed me that her date boy (who was with us) was stunned. All he could get out of his mouth was "Wow."

I struggle with this. Its one of the few things I can never quite be sure I really am good at. But it is one of the things I want to work on since I'm on this endeavor to tap back into all the creative/artistic sides of me. I guess you could say I want to know the me inside better and I figure the best way to do that is to challenge yourself to do the things you love rather than putting them off or allowing your uncertainties to keep you from trying to do it.

Just like my writings. Sometimes, I think I'm afraid that if I post the really good ones- someone might be able to read them and know me. I think I'm terrified to share me with everyone else.

Labeled

2010-06-13T13:03:00.000-04:00

Labels by April Gerard

Labeled.

Categories
and neatly
organized names.
They
mean not a thing.

But that's just it isn't it?
It means something.
Says so much about
us all.

Labels.

keep order,
keep places,
keep distances
and boundaries
between.

Labels..
we carry.

Used to define,
but given
the wrong nature
or inflexion,
they give
hate its power,
love its hurt,
and life its foe.

Labeled, we
are our own undoings.

What to post..what to post...

2010-06-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

I have several posts that I really want to post, but after reading them I realized that my interpretation of them would not be the way others would read them. It sort of reminds me of two lines in Anna Nalick's song called Breathe (2 am), the 1st line goes "There's a light at the end of each tunnel, you shout, cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out and these mistakes you make you'll just make them again if you only try turning around"

and the 2nd line goes "I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want too...but you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button now so sing it if you understand...and..Breathe..just breathe..ohoh...breathe..just breathe"

Have a wonderful Night/Day everyone and I'll be back to posting here in the next few days when work slows down a bit :)

Wonder and Fireflies

2010-06-02T18:00:00.001-04:00

I wrote part of this awhile ago, but never finished it or I guess I should say never polished it up until now. But Triana inadvertently inspired me today with a post on her facebook about her kids and fireflies and I thought "now that is exactly the feeling I was after with this one!" I hope you enjoy this one because I gotta tell you, catching fireflies was one of my favorite summer past times. There just seems to be something of innocence in catching those small creatures.

Wonder and Fireflies by April Gerard

Reminiscing of chasing,
of dreaming,
of child love
tucked into the heart
just like fireflies.

It's a wonder how they glow.
I wonder alot.
Truly,
really wonder.

So many things,
so much to know,
no way to know it.

Nothing is
ever really
known.

Just like the wonder
of the glow
of the fireflies.

As humans, we think...
sometimes alot,
sometimes too little.

But we're so sure.

So defined
by
what we thought...

When we thought
we knew it.

And, yet still
here
I am,
still wondering...

and

remembering
childlike wonder,
the mason jar,
and the glow
of the
fireflies.

Character

2010-06-01T17:21:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Here is the next in my series...

Character by April Gerard

The definement of character,
it seems so simple sometimes
doesn't?

Its not though.
The diamond in the rough,
the pearl hidden in the clam,
and the wake of tears
that flood a full grown man.

These, these are defining things.
Whether one has integrity
does not mean one will not fail.

Whether one has honor,
does not mean that the world
would understand what honor was or is.

defining character...

Its hard to do,
because it requires
the outsider to come to an understanding
of the insider;

of the individual
whose character is being defined
in the eyes of those who know
not their heart or their mind.

It saddens me this..
this concept that we place
on others.

That somehow it should be
known what's right,
what's wrong; as if it were
mere common sense.

But its not you see,
far from it.

It's all relative,
illusions to the mind.
Based on the perceptions
placed in the You and the Me.

Provocative

2010-05-28T17:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I did promise to post my series. So here is the next one..although not sure what anyone thought of that last one, but I suppose in this case (no offense intended) that this series is more for me than anyone else. I must warn you though, in the next coming days as I post these in what I've come to call my "Weight of Thoughts" series of poems, you will see perhaps a different side of my writings. I hope you still enjoy them! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Provacative by April Gerard

What provokes?
where is the yoke?

Broken, bent, or invisible strained.
Mirrored image of paper rains.

The constant feel of push and pull.

What bends to bleed,
will stain the needs.

An ache of pressing ages
looked backwards at life's ripped and torn pages.

Bittersweet of entanglement.

Echos of wants, left alone,
dropped at a doorstep that should never be knocked.

Hurts and pains and timid remains,
Pushed and shoved to make it fit.

No strength to let go. Too precious it was, but let go it must.

Release pulled away Tiny "would be" paper notes
aflame in memories; still it stays.

Something was here...there was something here...
a hole, a void, a nothingness felt now..but there was something here.

provoking, bleeding, leaving... stealing me again.

Deafness

2010-05-26T17:30:00.002-04:00

In the last two days, I have written a series of poems based on my thoughts, feelings, and observations that I have had over the last few weeks. This is the start of them and I will post them every other day or so. It is sort of like a reflection log, but in poem form. I do hope you enjoy reading these and I hope everyone is enjoying their week or at least finding one thing to smile about!

Deafness by April Gerard

I may be deaf,
but it is the world who fails to hear.

The language spoken
with our hands, our bodies..
it says so many things.

To chose to keep a space between,
helps to define the lines.

Lines that most never see.

They trample, they jump,
they reach out and touch
what is not theirs to touch.

We say so many things
by saying too much.

But it's never with words that we say them.

No it's never the words
that we can't hear...

It's the universal language,
the one spoken by
a jut of the jaw,
or clasp of the hands.

The way we speak,
without speaking.

The one language so often ignored
or misused;
but desperately in need
of our attention.

The Eclipse

2010-05-23T22:21:00.001-04:00

This post is By request from a friend.When I wrote this poem originally, I wasn't going too to share it. Thank you Ajey for listening to me rant and rave and for the support in my trials and stumblings in life. I truly appreciate the friendship I have with both you and your honey :)

The Eclipse by April Gerard

Busy days they always seem
short nights of strange travels where
dreams are left out to dry in the mind's eye.
Looking up to see a full eclipse hiding the Sun.

These dreams... the smell, the vividness, they're so real.
That of melancholic feel, why should the sun be hidden?
Doesn't it breath life into the world? It cannot be lost....
for a Sun must still be, even if it can't be seen.

It isn't really gone though is it...
no the Sun never stopped its shine.
The Eclipse is just a temporary blockage
and can last only so long a time.

No Expectations

2010-05-21T17:31:00.003-04:00

Just a word, this is a bit of glimpse into my thoughts I usually don't share. Hope that everyone has a great weekend and keep working towards whatever it is you're aiming for in life. You'll get there someday.

No Expectations by April Gerard

Never heard 'em say it.
No one ever said I could,
didn't ever really look for them to.

But I'm doing it,
because I want to,
because I need to.
Because I love to.
I'm not the kind who looks for
others approval or nod,
I'm just out to show
that it can be done.
Should be done.
Reach for it, grab it!
Don't let the world steal you're
Heaven.

It's here on the Earth
waiting for you to take it,
don't stop in reverse,
there's nothing worse
than a mind who once thought
it was a possibility
a dream to be caught
in the hands on the way in the world
making plans to attain...

and then BAM...

the mind let it wash away.
Because of what the others say.

But I say, don't.
Never let the world steal your dreams.
Shout 'em out,
show 'em how..
rip it out from underneath
the idleness of empty,
and let it out.

Look at the where at I once stood.
I was a mess, growing up in homelessness,
poverty and broken relationships.
Family in the locker,
that's where most thought I'd be.

But look at me now.
See where I'm at?
I make my own road,
don't give a damn
what the world got to say.
I learned early on
to hold my own and make my own way.

No Expectations..

Just reach
beyond your clouds.

and hold on,
I'm here to walk with you
through it now.

***this poem was inspired by by a multitude of things. My own convictions, Brosreview's thoughts he shared on his blog-the Odds are Good but the Goods are Odd, Eminem's new song "Not Afraid", Triana and I's longstanding friendship and a host of other things that I don't have permission to share on here. To a dear friend of mine- this is for you. Keep your chin up, all is never lost- even when it feels like you've hit rock bottom.***

My Sunshine

2010-05-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

See, I told you all I'd be back...just took me a bit to get here! Here is a new poem of mine- hope you all enjoy and hopefully I will be able to blog a little more in the next few weeks :) Have a wonderful day or night (whichever it may be for you)!

My Sunshine by April Gerard

There is sunshine peeking in
I feel the warm rays fill the space
of in between and unseen;
a melody of catalysm.

There is a calmness here
a sense of enveloping peace.

Steady in stride,
tears of gratitude..of greatfulness.
I am here, not there...
where I used to be.

There is sunshine peeking in,
cause and effect,
effects of cause hanging..
in in between and unseen.

Seeming chaos comes together,
a mess made whole and beautiful.

Loving Life and Learning to Live it

2010-05-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

I'm so sorry for my lack of postings here lately. I just haven't had the time really. The good news is that here at work, I've been able to help several people keep from losing their homes in my foreclosure counseling sessions and I have over 14 families participating in the financial classes we offer to those who have applied for Habitat Housing. This summer we intend to build 4 new homes!

What does all of this add up too?? Several things:

One- my Habitat affiliate is the only one in the Nation that I know of that offers community services such as the Foreclosure Prevention Counseling I'm doing, in addition to the traditional model of building homes for low income families who then pay back a zero percent interest mortgage.

Two- I'm one busy lady, but I like it. the downfall to this is that I've had to prioritize my personal activities to fit the new & much longer work schedule. Blogging, for the time being is on the back burner simmering until I reach some other goals I've set for myself. I wasn't very active physically last year and I intend to remedy that. I have set aside Monday nights for the Softball league I've joined and I've signed my kids up for various activities as well for the summer. I've even participated in a few Karaoke nights with Triana :)

The point is balance and learning to love all aspects of my life- not just parts of it. I'll post again when I can, until then- Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!

Take care,
April

Something Real

2010-05-04T22:15:00.001-04:00

This song and a few memories are what inspired the following poem.

Something Real by April Gerard

Hot sunrise brought its heat
as the Moon danced its reset
to the jaunts of April mornings.

closed eyes..a deep breath,
the palms wiped of nervous sweat.

Battled days were to be had
as passion pressed and
midnight saw its birth.

tears fall..no reason why,
the heart beating rapidly in chest.

Clear stars gave way to
the weathered wars of hearts
with thoughts to take miles away.

Calm peace..laying with fingers intertwined,
the feel of skin owned by gentle, beautiful hands.

Chance came and went
and came yet again in its quest
to prove what doubt tries to take.

A moment..never to be forgotten,
something real. Something real....

To fill this Heart

2010-05-01T15:47:00.001-04:00

A small poem for this weekend, something I wrote awhile back On January 22, 2010. Have a great weekend everyone!

To fill this Heart by April Gerard

I'm taking with me

some of Tomorrow's sunshine.

Gathering it with a piece of Peace

that belong's in Yesterday's hands,

Just to fill this heart

with more than grains of sand.

Because

2010-04-29T22:18:00.000-04:00

I have been working alot lately and yes I've been writing in my book. It seems I have fallen in love with my story all over again and have managed to make time nearly everyday to write and revise and add to it. It is a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and steady on towards the goal.

This weekend, however, I intend to enjoy and spend lots of time with friends and some family as it is my birthday on Sunday. It will be the first time in a long time that I've ever even tried to celebrate my own life. That's really what it is you know, birthdays are meant to help you appreciate yourself, be at ease with yourself, and love the you inside yourself. I do hope everyone is having a fantastic and wonderful evening! and for now, here is another impromptu poem...lets see what I write below shall we??

Because by April Gerard

It's starts with one candle,
every year you add one.
But there's a year missing..
at least I think so.

Didn't that first year,
when you lived,
breathed, and depended
so much on the mother
who held you inside..

Isn't that really your
year of beginnings?

That's just me though,
and the way I often ponder.
But isn't that the greatest thing?
To ponder such things?

There's always something
goin on in Life.

Every year something,
something always happens.
It's not always good,
but it's not always bad either.

Makes me somehow like
the fact that I'm human.
I get to learn, I get to see
this world for the beautiful
things it holds..

We breathe, we love,
we dream!

I don't know that I'd
trade that for the power
of Gods,
or for the Stars of the Sky.

Those who know me well,
often shake their heads at me.
They wonder how I could!
How could I love this state of being?
when we are imperfect,
when we have so much to learn.

And I say, because..

It's beautiful.
It always is and always was.

The Journey

2010-04-21T18:38:00.000-04:00

I've been a bit under the weather the past few days. But, like always, I seem to be managing it just fine. You know, I was just sitting here thinking about how my blog posts are not as much as they used to be. Where I once made every effort to post each and every day, now I try to only do two or three a week and I focus more on my book writing rather than my blog writing right now. I'm very, very pleased with my progress thus far!

Here is a short and small poem for the nght. I'm going to head off for some rest and try to get over this dang cold I have. Take care everyone and enjoy the poem!

The Journey by April Gerard

Summer's heat
could not melt away
my dreams long kept,
for my dreams do not waver
with the weather.

and the Melodies
anchored in my mind
do not die as I'm always
singing them to myself,
no matter the thoughts of others.

the constant reminders;
the patience and persistance
I demand of myself
keeps me reaching beyond,
past the point that small thinking brings.

Its the balance of hope,
persistence, and believing.
I know I'm going to get there,
and the journey is worth every step I take.

Just a Note of Thoughts and Ponderings

2010-04-19T18:11:00.000-04:00

A short post today and a slight break from the norm, but I wanted to share a small something with you guys. Some of you may remember my list of "Who I want to meet someday" posted back in 2008. Well, I would like to say I got to meet one of them, but I didn't. However, I met Al Jennings the pastor of Summit Church where my good friend Miss Deborah Brown graciously invites me to occasionally. Al spoke about Team Hoyt (#4 on my list) this weekend. He got to meet Rick Hoyt in Boston not too long ago..you can read about it here on his blog aljennings

The point here being that while I may not have had the opportunity to meet one of those on my list, I am finding that meeting people who've already met those on my list is just as good. I really enjoy seeing the inspiration that people like Team Hoyt pass on to others. They truly seem to make a difference in other peoples lives- simply by living their own.

It makes me take a deeper look at things in life and what we as our own individuals can do to inspire others. Rick Hoyt's dad made a decision in life that I would call a U-turn, but he did it based on what he saw that it would do for his son and they have made an extrodinary impact on others by following what they felt called to do in life rather than settling for less by doing other things less fullfilling with their time.

The whole concept makes me feel even more confident in my writing goals and continually pressing towards these goals of mine. I have no doubt of where I'm going in life and I just need to keep at it :)

And one of these days, I'll meet a few on that list and a few that aren't. Patience, confidence, and persistence. Those are the things I need to carry with me as I move forward in life and continue to do all that I can for those around me. I do hope everyone is having a wonderful day, I'll post some more poetry later this week, if you missed my Sunday poem or any others I've posted throughout the last few weeks...just keep on scrolling down the page and you'll find them.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." -Oscar wilder

Release

2010-04-18T16:34:00.000-04:00

A sunday poem for everyone. Hope the weekend has gone well for all of you. I've had a pretty interesting one so far, lots of ups and downs, but I'm ok with that as often times the ups and downs in life teach valueable life lessons we shouldn't do without. But, I'm in the mood for some relaxation, some release..so please enjoy this read as I return to writing in my book for the day.

See you all later and have a wonderful night!

Release by April Gerard

Warmth of the tiny tendrils
that seek out my face,
my hands, all of skin exposed
in the brightness of the days' rays.

It fills my soul with soft peace.

My eylids closed,
soaking up the feel
of the water around me
as I float in slient reverie.

This is a favorite thing of mine,
to be in the waters.

The water helps to drown out
the remaining sounds
I still hear in the day's activities
going on around me.

The muffled sounds of birds chirping,
the faint ember of a Siren
wailing in the distance.

None of it matters to me right now.

Here, as I float on the water,
lazily stroking backwards,
feeling the completeness you feel
when in tune with natures tones-

It's here where nothing matters.

Even those hurts and memories
that are better left forgotten
seem to keep themselves away,
and I like the sense of peace it brings.

I want to stay and bask here in the water forever,
to just be content in this world
of temporary contentment- this world
that water and sun provide.

I often think it would be a marvelous thing
to to be able to turn around,
belly facing the depths of miles below the surface
and just cross my arms under my head-

as if the lake could be my bed
for the day or night.

But it doesn't work that way.

I can only float so well on my back
and it does take some concentrated effort to do so,
but its effort I like,
the kind that relaxes you

and

releases you.

Sometimes, the feel of water and sun...
well sometimes,it makes you feel
as though Life is the one thing you've won.

Edge of the Fall

2010-04-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

Not sure where this one came from tonight..it just sorta flowed out of me. I like it though. Hope you each do as well, seems like a poem everyone could relate to at some point in their lives.

Edge of the Fall by April Gerard

Edge of some nill to nothing,
but yet something is really there.
The precipice is where we are,
waiting to fall into or out of nothing.

Course, it was never really nothing was it?
Never could we let it go, at least not in our minds.

Foolishness, maybe. But I don't think so.

All the same its where I'd rather be;
smile divined right with those bright eyes
and hands, oh those hands.

Still, here we stand once again.

Spaces of there and here.
With me here and you there...

Needs. So much we didn't know.
Couldn't find a room where a heart could sort out
its hurts and its joys.Couldn't see what track lay ahead.
Hearts need time to learn; we just jumped.

The landing wasn't so smooth,
but seems survival happens.

'Course no words have been spoken much since.

Words got locked up inside,
should've let them out a long time ago.
Guess courage of the fool's kind,
couldn't open up and give them away..at least not then.

It'll be good to see you again,
hope courage finds me and you.

Hope it finds the edge of where we'll be.

I really dislike spams..

2010-04-12T17:31:00.000-04:00

A word to an anonymous poster: Don't leave spam comments on mine or anyone else's blog. They're not welcome. End of conversation.

There, now that I've said my piece on that, on to the thoughts of today. I've been struggling with a few things, but I've come to the determination that as long as I stick to my goals in life, then whatever happens will be a positive thing- just might not look like it at the time. In fact there are some things that come in a completely different package than what you'd have expected- but that I'm learning, is ok. I'm growing, learning, and becoming a wiser individual because of these unexpected events. That's the beauty of life and though they are hard, I'm glad for these things. For how would I ever appreciate the good, if I never experience the bad?

So, to name three things going right for me right now:

I'm truly making progress on my books and it feels wonderful to make that time to write again. Yeay!
My kids and I are doing more things together and that feels good too.
My stress level is about to be significantly less in a couple of months due to a decision I finally made and followed through on :-)

Life is good, everything else is either a part of my learning in life or speed bumps that need to take a slower course of action, but nothing is unmanageable when you do what you can with what you got and don't worry about what you can't change.

And Live. Just Live. That's where happiness is found- on the inside of you, not the outside. Those are my thoughts for today, Hope you each are having a wonderful day or night (whichever fits you wherever your at)!

Traveling Feet and Wandering Thoughts

2010-04-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

I have written yet another chapter in my book and I feel pretty good about it. It seems my creativity it slowly coming back to me and I don't want to waste it by not making time to pen these thoughts down. Here is a poem I just wrote that encompasses so many things. Hope you enjoy this poem.

And I hope that each of you are working towards whatever dreams and/or goals you have set yourself in mind to make happen. Persistance is often times the hardest thing to keep up, but its a neccessary thing that disciplines you to keep moving and walking towards the things that matter most. Have a lovely night everyone!

Traveling Feet and Wandering Thoughts by April L. Gerard

I'm Walking.

to clear my head
as my feet take me in no
particular direction.

It's Lovely.

The way the rhythm of my feet
quickens with each thought
that turns itself around in my head.

ah,
the Breeze.

these thoughts always carry me,
keep me heading in the right direction.
Steadfast in my determination to be more.

Listen to the birds.

My feet take me past the trees
intermixed amongst the homes situated
in this small town as I weave the alleys and backways.

This town is pretty,
but its always the same.

I only like this place when its warm,
when its nighttime and I can feel the world
as it sleeps. Its the only time its peaceful.

Walking.

Really though, I just don't want to settle for less.
My goals are only meant to prove to myself
that I'm worth more than narrow minds and empty streets.

It's kinda like airing out my Soul.

My feet know
what my heart knows.

Walking gives you pause for consideration,
the time to churn over all your ideas
and place them in perspective of when and where and how's.

Listen.

That's the sound of me,
walking in the direction my feet take
as I move towards those dreams
I put onto paper and own.

Like no one else could ever own them.

I take myself closer to them,
with dogged determination
to Make them come alive
and be more than just a goal

One Step at a time.

To Bridge the Distance

2010-04-04T13:50:00.000-04:00

A poem I wrote not long ago, but fits my mood of persistence and continuing to find ways to improve myself and my surroundings. One day I hope that I will have made enough of a difference that the rest of the world joins in...and though that may seem an ambitious thought, at least I hope and strive for that.

To Bridge the Distance by April Gerard (written February 5, 2010)

I have so many things on my mind.
so many things that make me wonder,
can I really feel my heart beat?

I don't know that I'm listening to it,
or perhaps really
its beating so loud
that it has deafened me.

All i know is that I'm trying
to bury this quaking that persists,
this loneliness.

Yet, I like to be alone.

Why should these things affect me so?
I want to give my friendship and love,
but I don't know anymore
where or who to place it with.

There are so many who do not understand
the caveats that come with being able
to really trust someone.

A failing of mine
is that I understand it all too well.

And it keeps me
from allowing myself
to really let people in.

Perhaps that is why I don't
feel my heart beat,
maybe I don't want to hear its pain.

Perhaps there is too much distance
between my heart that cares
and the world who does not.

But I think it does, the world I mean.
I think it does care and that it tries
to leave it behind; or tries to forget.

So many hands....so many could do
so much- if they knew that.
If they really knew that,
just as my heart does.

But how do you tell a world these things?

How do you tell a world that
even someone such as me,
who has seen the horrors Life can offer up,
even I still believe that its worth caring for?

There must be a bridge somewhere,
surely there is...somewhere,
for I cannot be the only one
searching for it.

But bridges must be built...

So, I must learn to build mine.
I must learn to bridge the distance.

It's Done

2010-04-02T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's Done by April Gerard (video above is Coldplay's Lost, live in Tokyo)

Its done.
Finally.

I can
breathe,

I can
write,

I can
just Be.

It's done.
Forward, the march
goes on.

I can

I will

I am.

It's done.
Finally.

Brave is Love

2010-03-29T18:39:00.000-04:00

For Annie & Ajey, my two wonderful and dear friends who are linking the divide of miles with their love and painting it in words for all of us around the world to read. Thank you each for showing us what it means to be Brave with love.

Brave is Love by April Gerard

I wonder about bravery.
What is it?

Certainly, we shy away
from being the fool.
But, isn't the Fool,
the Brave one?

To shout out,
with such certainty
that one is meant for
another.

Interesting isn't it?

How we view bravery
as something full
of gusto; Something
meant for those
physically strong.

But I look,
and I see people
who show more bravery
in this world than most
would dare to know.

For to me,
A heart held out
for all to hear and see,
that's what Bravery is.

That's being brave, at least to me.

The Sun Rise

2010-03-24T08:53:00.000-04:00

The Sun Rise by April Gerard

Have you seen the sun rise?
No, I don't suppose you have.
The burst it makes in the mid of night,
as it creeps into your very soul.
It lights you up..you know,
on the inside.

No no. I promise I'm not insane,
I'm talking something deep,
something profound,
something that hits you;

BAM!
Like lightning,

as you jolt awake
from your slumber
and realize what you are,
who you are,
the light inside you
that can rise to its call...
if you let it.

But you have to see it,
you have to know it
deep down into the very
depths of that all elusive
grasp on your own reality.

The thing that makes
you understand that normal
is quite strange.
The thing that makes
you awaken to your own
beat.
Your own mind, goals,
and dreams.

Yes. That.

The thing so many push
aside, toss around,
and ultimately pitch to the curb.

Its worth more than anything else
this world has to offer.
You mustn't let it go.

The Sun Rise, in you.

I Live

2010-03-17T17:30:00.001-04:00

So many things have seemed to happen all at once in my life as of late. This is a poem that sort of reflects my train of thoughts as of late. Take care everyone and I'll see you each tomorrow hopefully!

I Live by April Gerard

My plans are unraveling...
one
piece
at a time.

And its ok,
I say to myself,
taking a deep breath in
and
wading my bare feet
in the shallow
waters.

My goals are nearer
somehow.
Even though
what I wanted,
who I wanted...
is not
in reach.

and will never
be.

And its ok,
I tell myself,
as I take a deep
breath in,
swallow down
my pride,
my hurts
and
feel the wind
of spring
and know
that I am strong
enough..

Strong enough
to let it go
and
be me..
for a change.

Feels good,
to wash away
old sorrows.

To know
change;
To know
Life..

and Live.

Yes, Its ok
I say to myself
as I accept
the reflection
in the water,
the woman
staring back,
smiling....

at me.

I touch my
fingertip
to the surface
and watch
the ripples
grow.

Its these
ripples,
its these that
often
lay their
weights
on me.

I can do so much
with one little
touch..

Those who
know me,
see me,
and
are affected
by me and
my..
choices.

I wonder
how much
good or hurt
has been
done
by
the simple
touch
of my fingertip
dipping
in the waters.

Nothing is simple.

But its ok,
I say to myself,
as I close my eyes
and remember
sweet moments;
precious tears
shed.

Because
I've known
Life
and still...

I Live.

Let it Give

2010-03-16T19:16:00.000-04:00

And now, a return to normal posting. Hope you each have had a wonderful start to your week!

Let it Give by April Gerard

Let it run,
Let it bleed,
Let it feel,
Let it be,
Let it go,
Let it know,
Let it in,
Let it out,
Let it alone,
Let it need,
Let it cry,

and give it time,
give it fate,
give it pause,
give it thought,
give it all,
give it none,
give it love,

and never look back.

Let it show,
Let it care,
Let it breathe,
Let it seek,
Let it know,
and
Let it Give.

Good news for now

2010-03-12T16:00:00.001-05:00

I'm so tired guys, this week has been such a drain physically and mentally. But I'm doing alright under the circumstances. A few updates since you last heard me post on here...

my brother woke up from his coma on Tuesday and has since been doing remarkably well- astounding even the doctors with his progress. He may be able to walk again with therapy and function somewhat the same as before the incident occurred.

Secondly, the guy who did this to my brother is being charged with a class C felony aggrevated battery and assault. $50,000 bail.

Aside from that, if you would like to know how my brother is doing- feel free to email me. I really don't want to continually post about this situation. I don't like drama and quite frankly I think my brother deserves better than that. I do deeply appreciate the many prayers and thoughts being given to all of us.

Normal poems, stories, and random thoughts to resume in a few days. I hope all is well with each of you and if I have one thing to advise to anyone it is to live, really LIVE your life in the moments and show those you care about that you really do care- no matter how mushy, awkward, or uncomfortable it may make you feel. You never know when the last time you'll get to see them is.

Take care Everyone :)

My Brother

2010-03-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

My apologies to all, but I may be away from Blogger for a while. Yesterday I spent the entire day at several hospitals because my brother was severely beaten by another man, of whom was a man we thought was a friend to my brother. He has since been through surgery to relieve the swelling and pressure that the bleeding in his brain was causing. There is a lot of damage and no one is really sure what will happen to him in the next couple of days. He is still unconscious. I'll return when I can, but right now- my brother and my family are first priority over anything else.

Thanks everyone, you all are wonderful friends and great people with inspiring thoughts, posts and ideas. See you later this week maybe.

A Thought's Weight

2010-03-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you just don't even have the time to think? That's how I've felt today. It's not neccessarily a depressing feeling I have, just a weighed down, need to make time for me feeling. Here is a short poem/song for the night. It doesn't quite capture the whole idea in my head and I don't really think its finished, but I'm tired and I've got a drive ahead of me tomorrow for work. Have a wonderful evening guys, and if I don't make back to blogger this weekend- I hope it goes well for each of you :)

A Thought's Weight by April Gerard

Weighing
in on
all the things
that make you look at things
in a new light.

Seeing
one time
all the times
I should have tried to make
a different turn.

Trying
to be
more than
I knew how to be; look at me
changing these.

Dance of Life

2010-03-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

Wow, these days I'm in over my head with all the things that I need to do everyday. I can't believe that I'm actually more busy than I have ever been..and I'm still able to say I'm doing alright :-) The snow around here is melting and the day actually feels quite nice out with the sun shining. It is inspiring a poem in me...Enjoy and have a wonderful night!

Dance of Life by April Gerard

A drop of crimson blue sky
against the beauty of melting ice,
song birds in the air, and hope in hearts.

An age of time where time does not get spent,
but stilled in the silence of reveried awe
at the marvel of continuance in the breath of life.

Wonders still color the soul with deep smells
of wet lands, merging blades of grass,
and winds gently caressing in its sweep.

There is something of renewed energies released;
Encompassed in Green babies of Hyacinths, Iris, and Peonies-
a glitter of twinkling sprouts playing peek-a-boo for show.

The call of the air speaks of long midnight walks,
and puddles to be made in April's rains,
with blossoms of youths looking to dance in it.

You can feel it coming, this rebirth of Life.

Isn't it Beautiful?

Stay

2010-02-26T17:35:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or are fridays getting a little heavy? Here is a song I've written. I haven't written a song in a long time, so I hope you all like it.

STAY by April Gerard

Stay with me,
hold me in you eyes.
Stay in my sight,
all throughout my life.

Stay with me,
let me remember.
Stay in my mind
all throughout my life.

I want to breath
like nothing was ever
wrong.

I want to know
all that I could
know.

I want to take
the world
in the palms of my hands,

And give it
back to
all those who understand

when I say,
when I say

stay.

Stay with me.
hold me in you eyes.
Stay in my sight,
all throughout my life.

Stay with me,
let me remember.
Stay in my mind
all throughout my life.

Oh ooh oooooo
stay..

Let me make
my way
but please,
please

Just Stay.

Flowers Blue

2010-02-24T18:39:00.000-05:00

I have been debating back and forth whether or not I should take the time to visit my dad.

I just don't know that I want to walk into that prison and say hey, how are things going for you in here? I know that we will probably argue and its not worth arguing anymore. I think I've come to the conclusion that he's always going to be a child on the inside. I'm not mad at him for it, just sad that it will never change for him- unless he decides to change it. But that takes thinking that there is something that needs to be changed and then wanting to do it for himself & then sticking to it. He's never managed the "sticking to it part". I'm not sure he can.

So, over the years- I would talk things out with him, let him tell me his problems and he would usually ask me what to do. That's what bothers me most I think- its knowing that he wants someone else to tell him how to fix his problems- and knowing that he has to start to see it for himself, because the only person he listens to is himself. I honestly don't know why he battles these things, because he never says why he started to begin with. Those are things he'll have to figure out for himself. I can't fix him any more than I could anyone else in my life. I just try to listen and to never judge- though I think with him its harder for me to do that.

I look at my mother and see her becoming less and less like herself because of medical dementia- a disease I can't control. And then I think on my own decision to deliberately NOT see my dad when he's perfectly healthy (with the exception of his addictions & alcoholism). I don't know..but for some reason it just keeps weighing on me. He can be a great guy and in fact I used to be surprised at how well we could banter and chide one another, but that relationship didn't happen between us until after I was out of high school- when I could get to know him as I was never really allowed to see him while growing up (with good reasons). The thing is, he's really smart- but not totally with the rest of the world. He doesn't understand how to treat others, how to respect himself, and I'm not the person who can give him the answers he's always looking for.

He's a walking contradiction in many, many ways.

I'm starting to think he's not the reason I won't go see him, but that I'm the reason. I wonder if maybe I don't want to see a part me staring back. I dont know, maybe I need to give this some more thought.....anyway, here is another poem to share.

Flowers Blue by April Gerard

There was an article
written in the news,
about a little girl
who didn't know what
to do.

She was 11 at the time.

She dreamed of flowers
blue; of a white dress
and bells in church to ring.

It told of her biggest fear,
one she kept locked inside,
a question her little heart
always asked,

"Who will give me away?"

I still See

2010-02-23T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm working on putting together that idea I had, its going to take me some time to get it all put together, but once I'm ready to start it- I will let you all know. Until then, hope you like my random posts :)

I still See by April Gerard

Beauty I still see,
remnants of remains
of silent beckonings.

I still see inside
all the things I still
think reside..
there in you.

Beauty I still see

traces of thoughts
in ambiguity; faded

Its beautiful.
Wonderful.
and still leaves me
in awe; breathless.

I Have Not Forgotten You

2010-02-20T15:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm really truly getting the rest I've needed and I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I'm not anywhere near home as I've decided to a take a short vacation from work & other things. I'm writing, relaxing, and enjoying the wonderful weather where I'm at today.

In retrospect-this time off has given me the ability to understand some things- personal things that I haven't really allowed time to think back on and reflect. There's a letter that I've written to a friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a while and I think that when I get back home, I'll be sending that letter.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy my relaxation and share with you each yet another poem that was written last year. It is a bit of a sad poem, but I really think many of us feel this way at some time or another in our lives. The bright side is that these feelings don't always last forever. Have a beautiful day everyone!

October 9,2009
I Have Not Forgotten You by April Gerard

I have not forgotten you,
But my heart seems lost these days.
Torn between two and three views,
Through this window pane.

I have not forgotten you.
I shiver, but its not really cold,
Its memories of what has been dreamed
That leaves me feeling shot and empty.

I have not forgotten you,
A broken glass of bottled emotions,
Invisible to the naked eye.

Left its mark for me to bear the scar.

I have not forgotten you,

but you..

You have forgotten me.

Ideas and Persistence: Never give up even when something doesn't always work

2010-02-18T16:52:00.000-05:00

I have so many great ideas floating in my head as of late. I have discovered that by giving myself permission to take a break on my personal goals (like writing, blogging, etc.), I've inadvertently given myself, or my brain really, the rest it needed to really function well and churn out all those creative things I was searching for to finish my projects. I'm doing alot better and feeling better too, but I think its going to be one of those things where I need to pace myself and go slow at it as I work towards completions of the many different goals and ideas I have.

So, Here's a bit of a rundown on the projects, ideas, and thoughts that are in progress or emerging:

1. Here at work, many exciting things are happening. Just to name a few- I've been extremely busy with planning and preparations for our new program we're starting up. I'm so excited to announce that we will be offering foreclosure intervention counseling to those in our area and community trainings geared towards homeownership education. Habitat isn't just building houses, we're helping to build and sustain our communities. I'm very excited and honored to be a part of this planning and implementation of this wonderful new program.

Also, we've been talking with a local college and will be forming a partnership with their Drafting & Design programs to allow their students the opportunity to not only help our mission, but to learn the hands on training they will need as the enter the workforce in their given field. I can see endless possibilities with this partnership.

2. Because I love music and I've seen many, many bands do incredibly inspiring things to support causes they love with their music (examples are U2, Nickleback, Reba McEntire, and Blue October) I've been trying to find different ways to get a few national acts to do a benefit concert for my local affiliate. Sooo...keep in mind I'm a "try, try, and try again" sort of person who believes that failing is actually success in disguise because you learn from what doesn't work and it encourages you to find other means to get the same thing accomplished. Hence my newest idea to accomplish this (it may or may not work, we'll see). What's the idea?

Well about a year ago, I read an article about a man who traded a paper clip for a house online- you can read about it here. Well, he started with the paper clip, and over a period of about a year or two- he had manage to trade various items, until he finally had an offer of trading his last item for a house. So I'm thinking of trying the same - only with the end goal of being a benefit concert for Habitat for Humanity (I'm shooting for Nickleback & Shinedown). I don't think I want to start with a paper clip though..I do however have a small 4x4 painting that I've done that I think I'll start out with...give me your ideas guys- what do you think? Think I can pull it off or do you have a different idea in mind? I'm open for conversations here :)

anyway, there's a lot more- but I'll return later this weekend to catch you up on everything. I'm serious though about this idea of mine- so please leave me your thoughts on what you think might or might not work!

Thanks everyone and I hope you each have an awesome weekend!

Year of Reflections

2010-02-15T20:31:00.000-05:00

I have been noticing that a lot of people are taking a break from their blogs. It would seem that this is the year of reflection for many. In talking through emails/phone calls I’ve discovered that some of you are on a mission- a mission to find yourself and reconnect with all the parts of you that somehow- you thought you lost. Even I have not been posting as regularly as I used to.

I think for me though, it’s the idea of giving myself some balance. I’m more focused on some other things that I want to accomplish and I’ve been giving some more thought to what else I’d like to explore here on this blog. I love to write my poems, short stories, and such…but I want to do more with it. Perhaps I’ll start to include stories of the families I work with here at my Habitat affiliate (with their permission of course). But I would like to share the wonderful things I see in my world of work; I want to make good on showing the world that change can and does happen in small increments, and with small hands at work- just like mine.

Either way though, I’m here, rooting for each of you who are in the midst of finding your wings. You’ve got a friend here, who is just an email away if you need a place to vent, to let off steam, to shout out epiphanies, or to simply talk to have someone to talk to. And I’ll still be around here, posting everyday when it strikes me or every few days as it continues to be a busy, sometimes heartbreaking- but nonetheless, still a wonderful roller coaster ride of life.

Have a beautiful day everyone and hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with some more thoughts to share :-)

Summer Ways

2010-02-11T17:08:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling extrodinarily happy today. Not that anything really exciting is going on, but that explicit joy that comes from knowing you're overcoming your own hurdles and that the hope you almost let go of, really is there after all. Yeaaay! Makes me feel like a kid all over again. Kinda reminds me of summer in that easy feeling that it brings when you're enjoying warm weather and people.

Summer Ways

Sunshine bright
smile wide as happiness is.
Jump up,
fall down,
land on feet,
and jump up again.
Kids playing,
water sprinkling over yonder,
and a small little one
stretches out a hand
to catch the bubbles floating
in the air that another
child has blown in the wind.
Bikes whizzing by,
runners making their rounds,
students forgetting their studies
to enjoy the last of Sunshines ray's
a crest of red streaks up over head
as the Moon takes slowly
over the sky and Sun sets.
A warm breeze,
a smile at ease,
and Summer's thoughts
whisper melodies.

A Woman's War: Short Story of fiction

2010-02-09T17:14:00.001-05:00

Wow, its been a long while since I've posted a short story on here. I know these often times take a bit more time to read, so I do hope you each don't mind the little bit of diversion from the normal poetry, etc. Sometimes you just need to do something different.

So, here you all go-as promised, a short story of fiction. Hope you guys like it.

A Woman’s War
A short story of fiction by April Gerard

She turned to stare at nothing but the wall of grey in front of her. It was so much like she felt. Nothing. A blank page for a blank mind, just the way she wanted it right now. But it didn’t mean she liked it. Every other thing she tried to keep her mind on failed. So, it was best to keep it clear. To keep it from reaching that one thought that would break it all apart. That one emotion really is what she was aiming at keeping tucked away. There was no use for it, at least not in this time and space.

She thought and thought and wondered, how did it get so wrong? Her heart betrayed her- belied that what she yearned for was the right thing. But she knew well that the heart was wrong. Silence had taught her that. His silence.

She had made a vow though, a promise of friendship she did not give up on easily. It was not in her nature to stop being friends with a good friend.

So how to be that friend when she knew the silence of the other was out of awkwardness, out of avoidance, out of the fact that they’d rather forget that remember. Because, really who wants to be reminded that their hearts lept before thought got the better of them? And who really wants to be tempted by what they can’t have when they feel obliged to stay in their current choices?

The grey wall stared back at her. She was torn, but refused to acknowledge the fact. Her draft of an unsent message beckoned her to send it, to tell him exactly what weighed on her mind every day. But she fought it off, taking herself to that blank space of grey in her mind and willing that her heart would no longer listen to its voice when the call would never be answered by the other. She willed herself to move on from her foolish frivolities of wanting and longings. And she dared herself to forget the most beautiful memory that encased her mind’s vision of its scenery.

It was a dare she lost daily.

She turned away from the wall. It wouldn’t give her anymore answers, it couldn’t. Just like so many things in life, the question of whether or not a heart really truly knows best was still just as elusive as it had always been.

She sighed. She knew that wasn’t true.

She knew deep down, her heart had been right. But there was nothing to be done about it. The wrong time and place happens to everyone all the time. All she had to do was pretend that she never saw the look in his eyes. The one that told her, her heart was right.

Problem was, he was never going to let it know it was right.

The Chase

2010-02-08T20:07:00.000-05:00

I often wonder on many things, this poem here is another look into the way my mind sometimes wanders. I kinda like this one though, I just let it flow out of me in these last few minutes; letting my mind go wherever it decides in the moment. I hope you each like it as well. Have a wonderful week my friends and my apologies for not being timely in responding to all the comments on the last few weeks posts- I promise I'll get there but until then, hope you enjoy my impromptu poem.

The Chase

The palore of moon
meets not the sun,
for its ever rising and setting
in opposites,
one chasing after the other.
Makes me wonder
at how we chase the world,
with our dreams,
our loves,
our convictions of absolutes,
when absolute
was always relative.
The stars shine
even in spite of the darkness
in which they sit.
Somehow the shades
of darkness
make them more beautiful.
Indiana skies, sometimes though,
hold both the Moon & the Sun
in the same view,
as if
for awhile
the chase,
was almost won.