Friday, December 30, 2011

A Few Thoughts For the Year....

No poetry to write today, just some thoughts. A letter of sorts- Hope you all don't mind.

Its been a long while, nearly two months since I've written anything on here. I looked around on my blog and had the feel of a dusty room in need of cleaning and tidying up. There's alot of things I need to do to update this blog of mine. Its time I think to get re-acquainted with the things that I love to do. Writing is one of them, so is singing, painting, bike riding, walking, and a host of other things.  I like being active and creative.

This year has brought with it a multitude of revelations, insights, tears, a bit of smiles here and there, and many many lessons.  Alot of what I've learned, I really wasn't prepared for.  I discovered hidden angers within me and I discovered a courage and strength in me that most don't have. I made new friends and lost a few. Traveled a little bit, worked a whole lot, and still managed the whole single mother life with my three kids.  The year is now closing to an end with my family having lost both my grandmother and my grandfather within 4 weeks time span and inbetween all of it, somehow I said yes to my dad when he asked to move in for a few months.  Its been challenging to say the least.  I swear, its like having a teenage dad in the house and its a sore reminder of the reality that this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever spent this much time with him- and I am 32.  But he's been 3 years sober and I couldn't see not giving him the opportunity to at least spend a little time with me and the kids.  I just hope that for once in his life, my dad really does stay sober and becomes the man he wants to be, rather than the drunk he's always been. 

Thinking back over the past few years, I realized I've grown. Not literally of course, I'm still as short as ever..lol.  But I really have grown. I know more about me and the woman I want to be. I know with certainty the things I want to do, goals that I continually strive for. Things, that for a long time I would second guess myself on.  There was a long time in my life when I felt like every thing I ever wanted had to be given up.  Because I wanted so desperately to make those around me happy.

Last year, in July, my marriage of tens years finally ended. I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But it wasn't, no it was actually one of the easier things to let go of.  There were more bad things in the marriage than there were good things and it was doing damage to me and my children that I couldn't undo.  I find now that I have a freedom that I have never known in my life. I'm not afraid to walk into my own home anymore. I'm not afraid to be me..the me I chose to be.  Its a bit of a lonely road every now and then, but not impossible and loneliness doesn't strike me the way it does most people.  I don't mind it when I compare it to where I've been.  Maybe thats why I've been afraid of trying to connect with others....well, anyway I suppose that's another reflection I can write about later.

Moving on in my thoughts, My daughter of 11 years was diagnosed in December 2010 with Langerhan's Hystiocytosis, which required chemotherapy throughout this past year.  This upcoming January will be her last treatment and she's doing wonderful.  you never really think things like this will come up in your life, certainly not in your children's and especially not when they are children.  But, it has brought some perspective in my life and I see such a bright, strong, and inspiring little girl when I look at her and how she's handled this.  A few weeks ago, the very same day she had one of her treatments- once we got home she was gearing up and heading out the door to go sledding with the neighbor girls.  I could tell she didn't feel the best, but I have learned over the past year that the best medicine for her is to let her be herself.  She never slowed down for one second this year if she could help it.  I think maybe that's a lesson for all of us.  To live, really live life in spite of what it might have in store for us.

Many of you who have been faithful readers and dear friends have probably noticed the drop in postings on here.  I literally went from writing nearly everyday to being lucky if I post once every couple of months. I stopped writing as much this year because some things in life make you pause...make you stop and question why the world works the way it does. I came to the conclusion recently that I just need to continue to write, sing, and be me, the rest will take care of itself. 

So, for now, I won't promise that I'll go back to writing everyday. But I can say that I will post again and hopefully it'll become more and more often and back to the positive me that most of you already know.  It won't always be poetry, short stories, and pretty things on here....but there will be writing, writing that comes from me and who I am.  I hope that all of you learn to do the same in your own lives.  Don't give up doing those very things that make up who you are and don't worry so much about where you've been. Just live and love with everything you have.  Sometimes love won't stay, but what impression it leaves you with, the things you learn, will be the best things you'll ever carry within you. 

Happy New Years my friends :)

April