Saturday, January 22, 2011

To Stop a Human Heart

To Stop a Human Heart by April L. Gerard

Curious emotions,
don't always do what they're told.
We seem to feel these things,
these things that come with living-
that we are asked not to feel.


I never said that I wouldn't feel them,
stuffed here in my chest-
aches of hurts, angers, loves, joys, and pains.

Yes, I never said I wouldn't ever feel a thing,
I said I didn't want to act on them.
Never do I want to be rash or selfish,
simply because of how I feel.

But,

Silently inside these emotions tremble.
Tears sometimes fall as I never tell another soul,
what aches, what bleeds in here.
Maybe that makes me the fool.


Trees, stand tall and stoic,
they understand how to stay in one place.
Even if their hearts get scared,
even if they feel the beat grow too loudly in their chest,
still they stay and stand.


We could learn from the trees.


How they weather the storms,
how they feel the rains,
and the hot sun when it shines a bit too much.


We could learn to tame our steps.


To know how to stand with one another,
how to face the onset of time moving through its days.
We could, if we just stopped trying to stop ourselves.


But I wonder...I wonder are our hearts simply too wild?
And if so, does that mean we should run with it?
Cradle it in our hands;
Shelter it from feeling anything.
As if...
..as if a heart was meant not to feel anyway.


We are so very foolish to think so some days aren't we?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lord, Hear My Cry

Below is a song I wrote, shortly after all the testing my daughter was going through.  I have debated and debated whether or not to share it- mostly because its a very personal piece for me and it is difficult for me to share my personal pains with others. 

Last night though, my daughter became ill and was admitted into the hospital for overnight observation.  I'm just now learning all the things that come with having a child who is treated with Chemo and such...but I believe that all will be well in the end.  I believe because all my life, every thing I've ever experienced (not too much has been good believe me) has always taught me that the dark never lasts forever.  Light always shine through and wins...


Lord Hear My Cry  by April L. Gerard

Sleepless nights
and days of trial.
the Holy Bible
laid out next to me,
each night. Opened,
to where I left off.


I've nothing to do but believe.


Verses and notes
ring in my head,
as subtle lyrics
whisper so softly
and me without a pen.
So I try to remember
so I can write them again.


Her head laid on me,
hand in mine.
I'm feeling alone..
but I'm not Alone.
I'm feeling more down
than I've ever been.


Loneliness never ate at me before.
Till now that is.
till I had to bear her tears in my hands.
I'm not one to be afraid of things,
but who will listen to my tears?


Yet i know you're here
I know your here.


I've nothing left but to believe.
Believe.


Life is passing all around,
learning to find my way
and reach out to make new friends
in this pain-my dark of day.


Believing is the easy part,
it's watching the story that's hard.


She climbed the stairs,
leaned upon me,
she yelled in pain
though I could not ease.


All I can do is believe.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

IF is not a word to Speak

If is not a word to Speak   by April Gerard

If the bottle becomes opened,
who would share it?
If the scars were all visible,
who would really care?
If the smile was gone,
Who would really notice?


If, often means discouragement,
so stop saying it.
If, often makes us re-think our dreams,
so stop letting it.
If, is far too often said when we are in doubt,
so stop being it.


What IF?
What if we could,
What if we did?
What if we finally started to see
ourselves and our potential?


That's a better IF.


IF you want to think better,
you must do it, not wish it.


IF you want to be,
then be what you want and do not wait
for someone to tell you that you can.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

These Words are my Thoughts

Well, since my poems aren't quite finished yet, below here is a letter of updates.  Hope everyone is doing well in your corner of the world!  Have a wonderful rest of the week :)  


I'm working on a few more poems to share in the next coming days.  My daughter seems to be doing really well with her chemo treatments, its just me that seems to be tired all the time- more so than she is.  But I will not let the tiredness keep me from doing the things that I want to do, need to do, and love to do.

My book is getting further along, although it does seem to take me a long time to write even the smallest few paragraphs sometimes- I still keep at it. It's been almost 3 years since I started it, re-wrote it, and revised it to the point where it is now.  I'm actually really excited about the direction and depth its taken. A few close friends give me their criticisms and thoughts- which I appreciate immensely and I have several artists who are interested in doing the illustrations for it.  In all, I'm enjoying this process of not just writing- but breathing it.  Even on the days I don't get a single new word written in it, I'm thinking of it and what next I want to put into it.  It is also a good long term exercise for anyone who is trying to keep themselves going on pursuing One goal and see the efforts and progress you've made along the way.

Writing is really a good tool for reflection of yourself and the world around you.  I don't know if others agree, but it seems to me that to really find what you want in life- you really have to get to know yourself and the things you hide from you, if that makes any sense.  Either way, self reflection often times helps you to see which step you need to take and where you need to take it at. And then the hard part is always trying make yourself take those steps. Not the easiest thing, as I'm sure many of you are agreeing with me on.

Other things I seem to be living and breathing: I'm also getting more into the musical aspect of my life.  Learning to sing again- and sing really well I might add. It has been a wonderful journey and an eye opening one. I've learned many things about myself in this. Some things I didn't want to see but needed to see, I've even come to understand what it has been all these years that frightens me about singing in front of others and thus, I've resolved to tackle that issue head on with the help of some friends who know more about music than I do.

 I've also taken part in several reviews of others music and their performances which I find I really enjoy doing, not to mention that according to my friend Ajey over at the Odds are Good but the Goods are Odd, I'm apparently really good at reviewing music and spotting out both the good things and the not so good things that artists need to improve on.

I guess,even despite  my daughter's health challenges and the other changes that have happened in my life over the past year, I'm really learning to be me again.  And that my friends seems to be a wonderful thing!  There are still some challenges,but as most of you have gotten to know by now, I'm not one to give up so easily... Life is still beautiful and challenges just make us stronger.

 So, I've decided to Live.  How about you?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Unspoken Destiny

Unspoken Destiny by April Gerard
A drop of something in my hands,
something the eye cannot see.
There's written here
an unspoken destiny.


A dream that's mine, meant to be awakened.
Sometimes my feet stumble; sometimes I fall.
Sometimes I do not understand-Still, I try.
I keep trying, because I must.


Because there's this small inkling,
this something inside that knows for certain
I must hold this droplet without fail,
and let it speak for me.