Friday, December 30, 2011

A Few Thoughts For the Year....

No poetry to write today, just some thoughts. A letter of sorts- Hope you all don't mind.

Its been a long while, nearly two months since I've written anything on here. I looked around on my blog and had the feel of a dusty room in need of cleaning and tidying up. There's alot of things I need to do to update this blog of mine. Its time I think to get re-acquainted with the things that I love to do. Writing is one of them, so is singing, painting, bike riding, walking, and a host of other things.  I like being active and creative.

This year has brought with it a multitude of revelations, insights, tears, a bit of smiles here and there, and many many lessons.  Alot of what I've learned, I really wasn't prepared for.  I discovered hidden angers within me and I discovered a courage and strength in me that most don't have. I made new friends and lost a few. Traveled a little bit, worked a whole lot, and still managed the whole single mother life with my three kids.  The year is now closing to an end with my family having lost both my grandmother and my grandfather within 4 weeks time span and inbetween all of it, somehow I said yes to my dad when he asked to move in for a few months.  Its been challenging to say the least.  I swear, its like having a teenage dad in the house and its a sore reminder of the reality that this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever spent this much time with him- and I am 32.  But he's been 3 years sober and I couldn't see not giving him the opportunity to at least spend a little time with me and the kids.  I just hope that for once in his life, my dad really does stay sober and becomes the man he wants to be, rather than the drunk he's always been. 

Thinking back over the past few years, I realized I've grown. Not literally of course, I'm still as short as ever..lol.  But I really have grown. I know more about me and the woman I want to be. I know with certainty the things I want to do, goals that I continually strive for. Things, that for a long time I would second guess myself on.  There was a long time in my life when I felt like every thing I ever wanted had to be given up.  Because I wanted so desperately to make those around me happy.

Last year, in July, my marriage of tens years finally ended. I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But it wasn't, no it was actually one of the easier things to let go of.  There were more bad things in the marriage than there were good things and it was doing damage to me and my children that I couldn't undo.  I find now that I have a freedom that I have never known in my life. I'm not afraid to walk into my own home anymore. I'm not afraid to be me..the me I chose to be.  Its a bit of a lonely road every now and then, but not impossible and loneliness doesn't strike me the way it does most people.  I don't mind it when I compare it to where I've been.  Maybe thats why I've been afraid of trying to connect with others....well, anyway I suppose that's another reflection I can write about later.

Moving on in my thoughts, My daughter of 11 years was diagnosed in December 2010 with Langerhan's Hystiocytosis, which required chemotherapy throughout this past year.  This upcoming January will be her last treatment and she's doing wonderful.  you never really think things like this will come up in your life, certainly not in your children's and especially not when they are children.  But, it has brought some perspective in my life and I see such a bright, strong, and inspiring little girl when I look at her and how she's handled this.  A few weeks ago, the very same day she had one of her treatments- once we got home she was gearing up and heading out the door to go sledding with the neighbor girls.  I could tell she didn't feel the best, but I have learned over the past year that the best medicine for her is to let her be herself.  She never slowed down for one second this year if she could help it.  I think maybe that's a lesson for all of us.  To live, really live life in spite of what it might have in store for us.

Many of you who have been faithful readers and dear friends have probably noticed the drop in postings on here.  I literally went from writing nearly everyday to being lucky if I post once every couple of months. I stopped writing as much this year because some things in life make you pause...make you stop and question why the world works the way it does. I came to the conclusion recently that I just need to continue to write, sing, and be me, the rest will take care of itself. 

So, for now, I won't promise that I'll go back to writing everyday. But I can say that I will post again and hopefully it'll become more and more often and back to the positive me that most of you already know.  It won't always be poetry, short stories, and pretty things on here....but there will be writing, writing that comes from me and who I am.  I hope that all of you learn to do the same in your own lives.  Don't give up doing those very things that make up who you are and don't worry so much about where you've been. Just live and love with everything you have.  Sometimes love won't stay, but what impression it leaves you with, the things you learn, will be the best things you'll ever carry within you. 

Happy New Years my friends :)

April

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Small Hand of Time Ago

by April L. Gerard

A small hand of time ago,
I wrote everyday
songs, poems, short stories...
so much, so many things worth saying.

Until I didn't want to say them
anymore.

Feeling the need to bottle me back up,
slowly becoming more tired and tired
by the day...words were just too much
when words couldn't ever really say,
just how we feel sometimes.

A small hand of time ago,
I remembered how much I still love to read,
and thus the reason I found so much wisdom
in words written down.

It takes time to think out how to write
what we see, what we feel, what we dream.
Words...they can be just words.

But really, they're our songs we often forget to sing.

Monday, September 19, 2011

What Love Must Be...

By April L. Gerard
Sometimes I wonder,
just what it is that Love must be,
never sure if I've ever understood it...

then I think of all these things
I see, and somehow I realize
maybe I understand it more than most.

The tired hands of an old gent,
laying down fresh bouquets
to show her even in death he still remembers.

A father sending his thoughts,
his encouragement and wisdom
to the children he misses everyday.

the worn feet of someone
who has walked miles
just to show their gratitude of someone else's kindness.

silent tears hidden at night
shed by the single mother who does
what she can to keep her children safe and warm.

a stranger's gift to another

a hug given without a second thought

a hand held at the hour of midnight

a phone call just to say hi to someone
and it brightens their day because they heard your voice.

A smile...just a simple smile.

These things,
I think that these are the things that Love must be.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Little "Big" Things

Little "Big" Things by April L. Gerard

Gentle smiles,
precious yellow stains
smeared on faces too innocent
to see beyond the wonders of child's play.

Children whose eyes sparkle with merriment.

Just one of the things we call little,
yet it becomes so much more in heart-
things we should never forget.

A hand to hold,
A smile with soft kind eyes,
security wrapped in arms never forgotten
and touches always remembered.

Lovers whose hearts never could quite forget.

Little bits of tenderness,
tucked in carefully wrapped memories-
things that our hearts need filled with.

Sounds of warm sands,
dancing waves of breathless whispers,
little tones of music made by life itself-

The array of beauty in every being.

These, these very smallish,
 sometimes forgotten moments-
 these are the little "big" things.

Things that teach us love.
Teach us hope.
Teach us the joy of who we are.






Thursday, July 14, 2011

To Know What's Best

"To know what's Best" is a poem I wrote on October 8, 2010.  It is not a poem I would normally share, but today I feel like its something worth sharing with everyone.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful week, and if not, just remember the up's and down's don't last forever.  The sun always shines through.

Photo taken by me at Chain O' Lakes State Park 2009.

To Know What's Best by April L. Gerard

Drops.


Wet salt slides down over
the bridge of my nose,
from the corner of my eye
to the bed beneath me.


The phone in my hand.


One tear.
Two tears.
A Critical examination...
...of myself.


The honesty.


A song and prayer are uttered,
in quiet whispers.
Stinging streams,
streak my face now.


foot rocks gently back and forth,
attempts at sheltering myself
from how I feel.


I didn't mean to feel this way.
I feel like I have somehow wronged you.
Because I feel this.


Knees touch my chest.
My soul aches and screams silently.


till morning fills the room.


Too perceptive of things I'm told.


Give me strength my lord,
for only you know whats best


Feet hit the floor.


I tuck it all away,
knowing I'll only think of this
when its safe to do so,
but not knowing when it will be safe
ever again.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Truth of Us

Truth of Us by April L. Gerard

 Did you know that you can't outrun yourself
 and that the heart is firmly planted in our souls? 
 What it feels cannot be unfelt and cannot be run from.

Rains of blues- soft melodies of jazz and other tunes,
beats of bass drumming to the waves of thoughts unsaid.
Sounds that give meaning to what is felt,
what will always be felt.

It does not go away,
It does not always stay.

But we...the very humans we are,
We always want it to.
Want these things to stay,
even if it means carrying a certain kind of hurt.
We want it, because we do not wish to lose love's value.

I often wonder if you too think of this,
or do you really want to?

You can't outrun yourself,
the heart is firmly planted in our souls-
and what it feels cannot be unfelt or run away from.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Broken Down

Its been such a long time since I've posted on here and for that- I truly apologize.  Writing is one of my passions I've had since I was little, but Life it seems has really been getting ahead of me.  Some of the happenings have been good and wonderful, while other things have been not so good- but they are things that help define the who that we are in this Life.  It is with that thought in mind that I wrote this poem earlier today while sitting in a waiting room...

Broken Down by April L. Gerard

There are pieces,
strewn about in uncertain tomorrows
and littering yesterday's paths.

Fragments, each telling its story
of where it used to be,
how much force it bore,
and where it fell...
..when it became to fragile from the wear.

There are pieces,
some small like slivers shaved and curled,
others sized like jagged rocks ripped from their beds-
replaced with hard earned lessons,
whether asked for or not.
Lessons that light the candle
of a wise soul's inner flame.

These pieces,
invisible to the naked eye
and seen with our hearts mind-
it is these that matter.
They are things that teach us who we are
and who the world is to us.

They are precious
and sometimes bittersweet
or broken down- leaving us to wonder
at the trail we've made of  losses, of pains,
of shear wonderment, and of loves.

Yet these pieces, collected
in a mosaic of beauty, sorrows, joys, and
growth- in our innermost self they form
our soul's journey to know Life and Love.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To Break the Sound Barrier

by April Gerard


There are days,
when I wonder if a friend of mine...is right. Still I know he's wrong.
Nights of despair knowing my own road of sorrows.
A road we each have owned somewhere along the way.
A place in our hearts where we've sown our pictures
to the walls to never forget..the pain caused.

I believe it could be different,
if we let it.

Constant reminders turn feeling into belief.
Belief that if it was this way once,
it'll be that way again.
But that's not true, I'm positive of that.
We just never venture out beyond the walls we've built.
Never take the time to throw away the hurts.
The scars we leave in each other.
Humanness certainly has its way with feeling.

For some its enough to say no more,
still its not impossible is it?
Takes a lot of thinking against the grain
to believe in the possibilities.
So many people who cant see where they are.
So many who forget you can't outrun your own heart,
for it is firmly planted in our souls.

I want to know the sort of things
that we often never let ourselves discover.

Shades of blues paint over our loves
in ignorance of our souls.
So many who would rather hold a stone,
than to lose what part of their heart that still cares.
and what parts still wish to be cared for.
The human condition is to feel,
so why do we run from it?

Years ago, it was believed
 no one could break the sound barrier.
And yet it was.

Do you suppose then, that we could learn to love?

Monday, April 18, 2011

To Learn to Hold an Ocean

Written by April L. Gerard

Silence is sometimes better said out loud,
than any words that could be spoken.
So few can hear what it says though.

It often says so much,
sometimes more than we knew existed.

An ocean of depths within,
feelings locked for safe keeping.
No one ever asks how deep does it go.

Easier for most to not ask,
so they don't have to hurt enough to care.

Crimson skies were once painted
in days where childish laughter should have lived-
leaving blues of water that never shed from the eyes.

Pain that shut the doors of trust in others.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for it though.
Seeds of trust can be sown as nature reminds that
even rains grow things; make them stronger.

Such a rarity of courage and strength born,
uniqueness in its own right of perception and kindness.
Still lonely keeps company...
'till we learn how to hold an ocean.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Child's Eye

It has been a while since I've managed to write something I wanted to share.  My youngest child inspired this writing..I hope you all enjoy :)

 Child's Eye  by April Gerard


Wings rushing in the air,
winds bending down to stroke the grass
and soft sounds of nature in my ears.

Solitude. This is my mind's imaginations
for the moment, until...
little feet patter down the stairs.
She has not gone to bed as she should.

I try to be patient with her, as I remind her the time
and still she questions endlessly,
"Why does bedtime have to come?
Why does winter and Summer and spring come?"

and I tell her,"I don't know why really,
cause thats the way God made things-
to teach us to learn and grow with changes I think."

She clasps her little hands together,
eyes sparkling with thought.
Then she says,

"But I wish it would snow in summer. No wait,
I really wish it would snow in Spring-
so we can have flowers at the same time.
Wouldn't that be really cool Mom??!"

She reminds me of what it means to be
open to possibilities with this statement.

Maybe I should remember more often,
just how it might look, to look on the world
with a child's eye.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Good News to Share

well, I have been writing quite alot on this here blog of mine- just not published any of it yet.  Mostly that's due to the fact that I've been worn out here lately between taking my daughter to her doctor visits, work, and all the things in between. I have noticed that my drafts that I have not shared on here are not quite the positive and upbeat thoughts that I would normally try to write.  But, they are in a lot of ways very theraputic for me to reflect and think on.  Interesting the things you learn about yourself when you read what you've wrote as though it came from someone else entirely..

Anyways, I want to share some extremely good news with everyone- according to the tests earlier this week, my daughter's tumor almost non-existent now!!! there is only a spot that is aproximately a millimeter wide left.  which means she now gets to go to every 3 weeks of chemo instead of every week!!!  Its been challenging to say the least to get used to our new schedule and to get used to her moods swings - the result of being a pre-teen as well as a patient undergoing therapy :)

But she does really well and for the most part has a very positive attitude about the whole thing, which makes me very proud of her. She even makes the nurses/doctors laugh with her antics sometimes and she's made quite a few new friends at the clinic as well.

So that's it for now.  I promise to you all that I will get back into posting on here again...it just might be a slow transition as I learn to manage and juggle the Life happening around me :)  But for now, I'd like to share a song that I found yesterday that I really like.  It seems to say to me, no matter what happens in life- all is not lost and you are not lost in it...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Acumen of Another Kind

 Acumen of Another Kind by April Gerard

If I admitted to myself
how tired I am somedays,
I'd have to go and believe it..and I don't want to.
Besides, I gots too much to do in this here world.

yeah, thet's right.

Not a day goes by that I push tired to the side
and get my mind on what needs done.

Most just figure they got to get through one more day.
Me though, I figure there's alot more to be doing with
each day rather than just tryin, to "just get through it"
Got no use for tired anyways.

Ya ever see someone just clean pass through a day,
like it wudn't nutten but an old doorway 'bout to fall down?
Thats how them crazy fools act nowadays.
They need to open up them blind eyes of them.
Yes'm, that what they need to do- but 'spect they won't none.

naw, they won't open 'em up to see.

They's frittering away something ya can't get back.
It ain't like water, can't reuse it. Once its gone..its gone.
The day is made for using, so that's what I intend to do.
Whats the point of letting tired spend all my time,
when there are small steps towards these goals
I gotta be takin?

Damn fools never see it, always tryin to control
the way things are so's no one 'ill ever get further
than they did.  If they spend half as much time
chasing their own dreams instead 'o beaten those
of others down..they'd have something for a change.

Something worth having.

But, They let fear grip 'em and mess 'em up all in their heads,
thinkin on how dreamers are supposed damn fools and
how they think it best to just stop 'em in their tracks.
Yeah, that what they do, go messin' up the world with their nonense.

Crazy ass fools.

Ain't a Man, Woman, 'er Child who don't need a dream.
And they need one worth keepin for sure, noboby got the right to take thet.
This world of fools though, thinkin they gots the answer.
Break 'em down, show 'em how dreaming didn't never get nothin'.
They leave alot tearstreaked pain in the hearts o' others..
yeah they shore do.

Damn shame too.

Reckon if they used their time a little more
to be a lovin' the world 'stead o' telling it what to do,
they might find Time would become their friend.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I Wonder

I Wonder by April L. Gerard

The music of my soul
wants to dance to the melodies
of friendship, of love, of laughter.
I wonder if others wish that too?

Kindness goes such a long way,
though I wonder if it reaches.

I wonder if some have never known
a kind hand or warm smile,
it seems we should give that more often.
I'd like to see that- see the side of humans
 we rarely let ourselves be.

Couldn't we just once Be?
Be the us we were made to be?

Not the hate we teach,
or the distrust we learn through
age and moments that ticked
by in our heads too slowly.

But the things that make us all
who we are and what we dream.
The things too often slipped by,
unnoticed in the timidness
so many feel when encouragement
is lacked.

What if we truly found our voices,
our lights within ourselves?
imagine the wonders and possibilities
that would become.

Yes, I wonder..
What would bloom from others,
if kindness found their doorsteps?
So much music would be heard,
so many endless possibilities.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Beautiful Here

by April L. Gerard
It's Beautiful here in this home
where my soul lives.

Moments of clarity
and moments of sheer wonder
written in the voice of my home's heart.
Amazing to look out onto the scenery
through my soul's window
and see.

To really See.

How very much the same we each are....
and yet, so very different.

All the things we carry
and paint our lives with,
can be seen here.
Felt here. Heard here.

We run our fingers through
the pains felt, the agony sometimes
endured...and yet,
still there's a reason we find
to smile again and breathe.

Yes, it is beautiful,
where all these souls live-
Unique, brilliant, and colored with lights
of enchanting melodies.

Songs of hope begin to find a voice
outside this window pane.
Even in the coldest of rains,
dances of joys still find feet to move.

This is where our souls reside,
here in the rhythm of thoughts and sounds.
Dreams still sought after,
Astonished people meeting all around-
and seeing for the first time there are no colors.

All the things we thought we knew
and all that we never really knew-
is learned here. Loved here.
Believed here.

A soul's song happens here,
right here where we are now.
And its so beautiful to hear the notes played,
to feel it resonate.

Melodies of life- we each live and breathe.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sentimental Violins

When I was little, I heard the voice of a violin for the first time on a tv program. Next to the piano, I thought it was one of the most beautiful sounds that any instrument could ever make.  I still find them to be wonderful to listen to, but the sounds they create are only made effective if the person playing them knows the strings so well..that a story could be told in a thousand different ways.  Musicians of all sort who are at the top of their game understand one thing very well- the emotional story that needs to be told and felt by their audience.  It is this idea that gave me the inspiration for this poem.  Hope you all enjoy :)


Sentimental Violins by April Gerard

Papers.
Notes; ink and colors
blended in.

Words lost and remembered
in faded midnight skies.


Worn fingers
trace the edges of
blurred objects
emitting melodies-
owning their memories
once again.

stories told here.


Files of sounds,
from here or there,
a hush of laughter caught
against the cry of
years in the past.


Sentiments carried
on a string, in a note,
in a voice that once whispered
long ago.

Music that played its sorrows
or its joys,
as Time beckoned
its come and go.


Sentimental values displayed-
often without pictures framed
or mirrored reproach.

People who've been known,
seeds that were once sown,
all held in this or thats.

memories in motion...
at the speed of sound.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Perfect



Listened to the song "Perfect" by Hedley the other day (video posted above) and it dawned on me that this is what so many of us struggle with.  "Not perfect"  seems to be a constant expression in all the new music in all the genres- we're all trying to scream out loud that we are not perfect, including those in the music world.  In fact the chorus line in Hedley's song goes, "I'm not perfect, but I keep trying. Cause thats what I said I would do from the start. I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please dont leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?"

We are either trying to measure up to someone else's idea of perfection or, worse yet in some ways, to our own.  Why do we do this to ourselves and to others?

I guess I'm wondering how come it seems we have to shout to each other, friends, family, significant others, etc.. how is it that we have to shout it out that we're not perfect?  We know that we are not perfect, yet why do we ask it of others so often if we know that?

 It concerns me a bit that we often hold the expectations that others have of us higher than those who hold them do.  Its one thing to keep trying, to keep expecting yourself to be a better person and to hold yourself accountable- that's a healthy choice of living, but to allow your own or others expectations of yourself to leave you feeling as though you'll never amount to anything, that you can't be better- that's when its wrong. 

If I ever had one thing to say to anyone is this: Just be yourself, love yourself and keep dreaming. Achieving your dreams never required perfection- it just requires believing you'll get there and doing all you can to make those dreams of yours come alive.  The world was founded on imagination, nothing it has in it became real until it was first dreamed of by someone.

We are all human- we were born to be imperfect,  that's what makes us beautiful I think :)

These are just some thoughts of mine. Have a great start to your week everyone!  and here's the video clip of the new song "F**kin' Perfect" by Pink- its a song that says exactly what I'd say to several of my closest friends, who in their own ways are Perfect to me and I love them all the more for it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Reminiscent Rains

Reminiscent Rains by April L. Gerard

Reminiscent rains gather
at the feel of many dawns quietly slipping by.
Seepage of emotions in the periphery of the past gone.
Time… you could never hold in your hands.

There is no use for regrets.
Still, sometimes the heart needs to know

Or maybe it just stubbornly refuses to see,
Why the soul still wishes, still wants, and still bleeds.


Funny the things you learn in life and carry with you-
Parables of the things you never knew, but dreamed.
Touched at first and made to be real- either in your mind’s eye
Or in the realness of yesterdays and tomorrows.


Still, sometimes the heart doesn’t want to know
Or maybe it just refuses to acknowledges that it feels,
And where the heart harbors its secrets,
is where it seeks refuge in only memories.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Words

A very short post here. My head is full of many things today.  But I only just want to share one thought that occurred to me today:

Words are just words.  It is we who fill them with meaning....

and I wondered to myself after I thought that, "just exactly what kind of meaning is it that I want my words to have?"

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Wings

I've been really busy in the last week or so, so my apologies to all for my lack of posting. Below is my lastest writing.

It's been awhile since I wrote a short story on here and I thought since it has also been a bit of time since I've posted on here, that this might be a nice surprise for each of you.  Hope you enjoy it and Have a wonderful week! 

Wings
A short story of fiction By April L. Gerard, All rights reserved

"What of the wings?” He said to her with a scoff and waved her off. “Do you think you'll find such mysteries shrouded in the cloak of humanness, eh? It's a fool's errand to chase. Most don't even bother trying to look for them."

“But, they are more precious than we know. I want them to see that.” She countered softly.

"Why the Wings?" He questioned with an eyebrow arched.

She looked at him with imploring eyes, tinted with that innocence he hadn’t seen in decades, “Haven't you Ever felt the warmth of a breeze touching your skin, blowing your hair, and making you feel somehow Alive?”

"What if I have, hmm? You think that makes a difference?” He shook his head at her. Such naivety in this one he had thought when he heard her words. Blasted wonder she managed to find him with such eyes clouding her vision. Then he continued saying, “Soaring in the winds my dear, doesn't mean you've found them. You've got a lot more to learn if you think that's the case."

He did not deter her. She simply replied back, “Everyone has a lot more to learn in life, why should I be any different?”

He sighed, realizing her determination and hedging a small amount of respect for it. She was persistent this one was. He cocked a smile to himself and spoke again, "That is true enough. Not many people think about that.” He paused a bit allowing a bit of silence in the conversation. Then he stated, “You’ve still not told me why the wings are so important to you."

She took a step closer, looking at his backside where he was seated and said to him, “Ever reach for something tipped on the edge of your toes and think to yourself, If I could just reach a little higher? Or have you asked yourself time and time again, Where do I belong? What have I done that's really worth something of value in this life? Is there more out there, waiting for me to find it?"

She stopped, momentarily wondering if he was even listening to her. But she kept her resolve to speak her piece. She had come so far to reach this man. She would not give up now. “There is so much more to all of this! So much more than we allow ourselves to see or even to feel, I think.

Wings stretch minds and open hearts to the worlds we once left behind or were forgotten in dreams long lost. They pick us up when we can no longer stand on our own. Heartbreaks come, yet we learn more about ourselves. And in that learning- sprouts of new discoveries. Discoveries in the wings of thoughts that we never knew we could think.

Wings carry our securities and our freedoms. They allow us to be ourselves and embrace what we don't understand or know. They help us love others. And they help us to love ourselves. Don’t you see? Wings are so much more than we understand. So much more than we can see with our own eyes.”

“I see more than you know child.” He said somberly. His curiosity was now piqued at seeing her resolute belief that wings were as real as the air breathed in. He then asked her, “How is it that you’re so sure that these wings still exist for you; or for the others for that matter?”

“Wings hold a metaphor for me. They are my reminder that we really do have the power to soar to heights beyond our dreams and hopes. When we use our wings, when we follow the path of where our hearts are begging us to go, that’s when we soar to the heights of our potential. That’s when we define new realities and open doors that we never even knew existed. Finding our wings just simply means finding ourselves as we were meant to be, not as the world would have us be.”

“And so you want your wings is that it? Asking me to help you find them? Bah, Child You know not what you ask for.” He stated in a moot attempt to dissuade her from continuing on her quest. He knew now, after having talked with this enigma of a child, that nothing could stop her. Indeed she might just find these wings that have been long lost to the people. There was strength in her that He felt sure he’d never seen in a person before. She would resurrect mythical beings to life just be conveying her convictions to a person, so adept was she at making you believe in things you’d lost interest in as a child. Her surety rang clearly in her voice. It shook him to his core and opened his eyes that had long lost the sight for such things.

She spoke again with a subtle confidence that was gentle and yet strong and pointed to his glass flooring that showed the world beneath his feet, “I know where my wings are. I do not need your help for that. What I want now is to help them find theirs.”

“You would change the world with your own hands?” he said. His respect for her grew immensely in that moment. How long had it been since someone offered to shoulder a responsibility he should have been shouldering all these years? How long had it been since one of them had even noticed that he wasn’t doing his assignment. A single tear crept from his eyes. He heard no condescending tones or judgment from her. How was it that she cared for him like that, despite his failing to carrying out his given assignment? An assignment only the Maker could give him.

And here this mite of a girl was convinced she had to help them find their wings, whether they wanted ‘em or not, no matter the cost to her. It spoke volumes to him about her character and that of his own. he felt the heat of his shame well up within his insides as he heard her speak.

“I could do nothing less. Neither should you. Will you help?”

It was then he looked up from his chair. He stood and turned to face the woman before him. With misty eyes that truly saw her for the first time, He spoke with a trembling voice, “My dear, It is you that has just now helped me to remember my own wings. Come, let us help the others.”

Saturday, January 22, 2011

To Stop a Human Heart

To Stop a Human Heart by April L. Gerard

Curious emotions,
don't always do what they're told.
We seem to feel these things,
these things that come with living-
that we are asked not to feel.


I never said that I wouldn't feel them,
stuffed here in my chest-
aches of hurts, angers, loves, joys, and pains.

Yes, I never said I wouldn't ever feel a thing,
I said I didn't want to act on them.
Never do I want to be rash or selfish,
simply because of how I feel.

But,

Silently inside these emotions tremble.
Tears sometimes fall as I never tell another soul,
what aches, what bleeds in here.
Maybe that makes me the fool.


Trees, stand tall and stoic,
they understand how to stay in one place.
Even if their hearts get scared,
even if they feel the beat grow too loudly in their chest,
still they stay and stand.


We could learn from the trees.


How they weather the storms,
how they feel the rains,
and the hot sun when it shines a bit too much.


We could learn to tame our steps.


To know how to stand with one another,
how to face the onset of time moving through its days.
We could, if we just stopped trying to stop ourselves.


But I wonder...I wonder are our hearts simply too wild?
And if so, does that mean we should run with it?
Cradle it in our hands;
Shelter it from feeling anything.
As if...
..as if a heart was meant not to feel anyway.


We are so very foolish to think so some days aren't we?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lord, Hear My Cry

Below is a song I wrote, shortly after all the testing my daughter was going through.  I have debated and debated whether or not to share it- mostly because its a very personal piece for me and it is difficult for me to share my personal pains with others. 

Last night though, my daughter became ill and was admitted into the hospital for overnight observation.  I'm just now learning all the things that come with having a child who is treated with Chemo and such...but I believe that all will be well in the end.  I believe because all my life, every thing I've ever experienced (not too much has been good believe me) has always taught me that the dark never lasts forever.  Light always shine through and wins...


Lord Hear My Cry  by April L. Gerard

Sleepless nights
and days of trial.
the Holy Bible
laid out next to me,
each night. Opened,
to where I left off.


I've nothing to do but believe.


Verses and notes
ring in my head,
as subtle lyrics
whisper so softly
and me without a pen.
So I try to remember
so I can write them again.


Her head laid on me,
hand in mine.
I'm feeling alone..
but I'm not Alone.
I'm feeling more down
than I've ever been.


Loneliness never ate at me before.
Till now that is.
till I had to bear her tears in my hands.
I'm not one to be afraid of things,
but who will listen to my tears?


Yet i know you're here
I know your here.


I've nothing left but to believe.
Believe.


Life is passing all around,
learning to find my way
and reach out to make new friends
in this pain-my dark of day.


Believing is the easy part,
it's watching the story that's hard.


She climbed the stairs,
leaned upon me,
she yelled in pain
though I could not ease.


All I can do is believe.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

IF is not a word to Speak

If is not a word to Speak   by April Gerard

If the bottle becomes opened,
who would share it?
If the scars were all visible,
who would really care?
If the smile was gone,
Who would really notice?


If, often means discouragement,
so stop saying it.
If, often makes us re-think our dreams,
so stop letting it.
If, is far too often said when we are in doubt,
so stop being it.


What IF?
What if we could,
What if we did?
What if we finally started to see
ourselves and our potential?


That's a better IF.


IF you want to think better,
you must do it, not wish it.


IF you want to be,
then be what you want and do not wait
for someone to tell you that you can.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

These Words are my Thoughts

Well, since my poems aren't quite finished yet, below here is a letter of updates.  Hope everyone is doing well in your corner of the world!  Have a wonderful rest of the week :)  


I'm working on a few more poems to share in the next coming days.  My daughter seems to be doing really well with her chemo treatments, its just me that seems to be tired all the time- more so than she is.  But I will not let the tiredness keep me from doing the things that I want to do, need to do, and love to do.

My book is getting further along, although it does seem to take me a long time to write even the smallest few paragraphs sometimes- I still keep at it. It's been almost 3 years since I started it, re-wrote it, and revised it to the point where it is now.  I'm actually really excited about the direction and depth its taken. A few close friends give me their criticisms and thoughts- which I appreciate immensely and I have several artists who are interested in doing the illustrations for it.  In all, I'm enjoying this process of not just writing- but breathing it.  Even on the days I don't get a single new word written in it, I'm thinking of it and what next I want to put into it.  It is also a good long term exercise for anyone who is trying to keep themselves going on pursuing One goal and see the efforts and progress you've made along the way.

Writing is really a good tool for reflection of yourself and the world around you.  I don't know if others agree, but it seems to me that to really find what you want in life- you really have to get to know yourself and the things you hide from you, if that makes any sense.  Either way, self reflection often times helps you to see which step you need to take and where you need to take it at. And then the hard part is always trying make yourself take those steps. Not the easiest thing, as I'm sure many of you are agreeing with me on.

Other things I seem to be living and breathing: I'm also getting more into the musical aspect of my life.  Learning to sing again- and sing really well I might add. It has been a wonderful journey and an eye opening one. I've learned many things about myself in this. Some things I didn't want to see but needed to see, I've even come to understand what it has been all these years that frightens me about singing in front of others and thus, I've resolved to tackle that issue head on with the help of some friends who know more about music than I do.

 I've also taken part in several reviews of others music and their performances which I find I really enjoy doing, not to mention that according to my friend Ajey over at the Odds are Good but the Goods are Odd, I'm apparently really good at reviewing music and spotting out both the good things and the not so good things that artists need to improve on.

I guess,even despite  my daughter's health challenges and the other changes that have happened in my life over the past year, I'm really learning to be me again.  And that my friends seems to be a wonderful thing!  There are still some challenges,but as most of you have gotten to know by now, I'm not one to give up so easily... Life is still beautiful and challenges just make us stronger.

 So, I've decided to Live.  How about you?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Unspoken Destiny

Unspoken Destiny by April Gerard
A drop of something in my hands,
something the eye cannot see.
There's written here
an unspoken destiny.


A dream that's mine, meant to be awakened.
Sometimes my feet stumble; sometimes I fall.
Sometimes I do not understand-Still, I try.
I keep trying, because I must.


Because there's this small inkling,
this something inside that knows for certain
I must hold this droplet without fail,
and let it speak for me.