Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Conflict of Hearts and Minds

Conflict of Hearts and Minds by April Gerard

Seems I've been somewhat nearing something,
A river of thoughts conflicting and yet tied as one.
Vision of ice unfrozen, thawed scenes moving.
words of many, and some words of One.


My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.


Course, gotta run it's course.
The beat found footsteps leaving.
They always do that.
Leave when it's too much,
when the heart stilled makes a sound.


I know they think me foolhardy.
I know they think I couldn't possibly see
so much in them.
Better they pretend I'll not be without for long.
Better someone else they think...


Still, I know they think wrong on that.
I'm learning things about myself though,
Seeing me in ways I never knew.
Growing again, maybe. At least for that,
I should tell them Thank you.


Then again, who knows, maybe it's best the way they want it.


Not sure if I believe it's best with this silence.
Can't make a person see in my head though,
can't make them believe in anything.
Don't even really know if I should.
Should I??? 


That's my gift though.
To see people as they were meant to be,
not as they've done or act now.
Doesn't help fill any lingering aches though.
Doesn't really matter I suppose.
Or does it?  To me anyway, I suppose it might...but not to them.


People always have more inside them than they realize.
But they never believe it, I see it on their faces all the time.
Hear it in their voices.
I see it though, believe me- it's there.


Tough not to be able to see the whys
and yet, I've never had anyone leave that shouldn't.
I just didn't know it at the time.
But, this time seems different.
Is it me?  Or do I just want something more than I should?


Can't tell,
don't really know.
These last few weeks have left me a bit hallowed-
numb really. If I had a hard time feeling anything before,
it's more difficult now. 


She's too little to have to do all of this.


Isn't she?  Leaves me wondering about others.
Strength is required to live in this,
yet I know some do not have this strength.
Weird how so many think they don't have the strength for life.
But that's what we're born with, it's a God given gift.


But, I know how it is. Understand how they think.
My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

11 comments:

Rick said...

April
I've always loved how you see things
people, better and stronger than they see themselves.
maybe even I have a chance
Thanks
~rick

Dishilicious said...

beautiful! here's wishing you a better, stronger and wonderful 2011!!! xoxo

Shadow said...

i just wish i could undo a thought, an idea. a realisation. for once it's there, it always will be. and some i just don't want!!! and another thing i wish, is for more people to see themselves as others see them. so that they can see that beautiful side inside themselves which makes them so special.

Wine and Words said...

My heart didn't ever know
(love)
until I knew this

Beautiful. And i wish the footsteps didn't leave, that they had the stamina for MUCH, for weight, had the same strength you do.

I think of the Christina Aguilara song "Fighter". Yes, there is thanks to everything that makes us stronger. I also understand the times when we really cannot go on. CAN. NOT. But there is God in that, and he always finds a way to move me forward.

Dulce said...

It is a real shame we do not love ourselves as much as we deserve- no matter what. Oh, if we did, how different our world would be... probably much more love and much more piece.
they never taught us to love ourselves... but the others first. And in doing so, we lost our self confidence, our self esteem.

Dulce said...

I meant 'peace'- of course (LOL)

dianne said...

Beautiful dear April, my heart and mind are constantly in conflict; the heart says one thing and the mind says tread softly.

I wanted to wish you a wonderful year in 2011 and I hope that all goes well for your daughter.

Dianne. xoxox ♡

Lyn said...

"Words of One"....we must know this...how we were meant to be! Love this...

Strawberry Girl said...

April

This is brilliant, you know that? Expressing the thoughts of hopeful friendship so well, I too see people and wish they could reach their potential. There is so much wasted potential out there, the trouble is, how many of us can grasp a hold of what needs to be done, developed, and simply move forward? Fear is a big detriment to reaching potential. It's sad, but true... Thanks for these words, here's wishing you the best for 2011!! ♥

Anonymous said...

nice blogging

Anonymous said...

Wow, it's been so long since I've written. I used to think I had so much to say, now I never have time to say it. Lol. Anyway, here's a good one. I can't even remember now what the issue at hand was the other night.........Annalynn either wanted to stay up really late or get more ice cream or something. Anyway, she was in the tub and I was sitting next to it talking to her. She asked me "Do you want to hear what I learned about in Sunday school today?" Now, I am the one that normally asks this, so I could just SEE it was going somewhere. "Sure" I replied. "What did you learn about today?" She proceeded to tell me the story of the man who owed the king money and the king forgave his debt after the man begged the king to have pity on him........."So you should have pity on me and let me get ice cream" (or whatever it was she wanted...) I tell you. This child should be an attorney some day. But she has her heart set on being an astronaut, marine biologist, pyrotech(now that one really scares me) and a pizza chef. We have this figured out see.........she pays her way thru school by doing the pizza thing and setting off fireworks over the summer. Then she goes to school in the fall. Check out space and if she does not like that, then take to the ocean. I see a cushy retirement life for me. lol.