Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Conflict of Hearts and Minds

Conflict of Hearts and Minds by April Gerard

Seems I've been somewhat nearing something,
A river of thoughts conflicting and yet tied as one.
Vision of ice unfrozen, thawed scenes moving.
words of many, and some words of One.

My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

Course, gotta run it's course.
The beat found footsteps leaving.
They always do that.
Leave when it's too much,
when the heart stilled makes a sound.

I know they think me foolhardy.
I know they think I couldn't possibly see
so much in them.
Better they pretend I'll not be without for long.
Better someone else they think...

Still, I know they think wrong on that.
I'm learning things about myself though,
Seeing me in ways I never knew.
Growing again, maybe. At least for that,
I should tell them Thank you.

Then again, who knows, maybe it's best the way they want it.

Not sure if I believe it's best with this silence.
Can't make a person see in my head though,
can't make them believe in anything.
Don't even really know if I should.
Should I??? 

That's my gift though.
To see people as they were meant to be,
not as they've done or act now.
Doesn't help fill any lingering aches though.
Doesn't really matter I suppose.
Or does it?  To me anyway, I suppose it might...but not to them.

People always have more inside them than they realize.
But they never believe it, I see it on their faces all the time.
Hear it in their voices.
I see it though, believe me- it's there.

Tough not to be able to see the whys
and yet, I've never had anyone leave that shouldn't.
I just didn't know it at the time.
But, this time seems different.
Is it me?  Or do I just want something more than I should?

Can't tell,
don't really know.
These last few weeks have left me a bit hallowed-
numb really. If I had a hard time feeling anything before,
it's more difficult now. 

She's too little to have to do all of this.

Isn't she?  Leaves me wondering about others.
Strength is required to live in this,
yet I know some do not have this strength.
Weird how so many think they don't have the strength for life.
But that's what we're born with, it's a God given gift.

But, I know how it is. Understand how they think.
My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Looking out on the World

Questions I often ask myself April Gerard

Why do we clip our wings?
What makes us think we're not worth it?
Why do so many believe love is never given freely?
Why do so many love with expectations of love being returned?
why is it so hard for others to understand friendship or to be a friend?
Do people really think its odd of me to think more of others than myself?
Why is seeing the potential in others often seen as being naive?
Since when was it ever ok to shelve our dreams?
Since when was it ok to make our kids stop imagining things?
Why is it so hard for people to understand things?
If we're all the same inside, why can't we see that on the outside?
What if everyone understood how much their own hands could really make a difference for everyone?
Why don't more people use caution when trusting how they feel with someone else?
How come we often don't realize how much we impact others, either for their good or detriment?
What if we changed how we saw ourselves?
How come its so hard for people to be alone?
Why do people believe so little in themselves?
Shouldn't more of us discover the feeling of "wonder" more often?
wouldn't we discover more about life if we stopped trying to control so much of it?
Why is it so important to some to control others?
why not just let go and let live?
What if more people actually believed that being "Human" is a beautiful thing?
I wonder if I'm not the only one who loves the enigmatic feeling that staring at stars often evokes in me?
What makes it so hard to tell how we feel?

I'm always thinking, always observing and wondering these sort of things. I often struggle with some of these very things- knowing I love the world and love the potential there is within each of us, and yet I get so frustrated or hurt at not knowing how to help others see the same wonder and awe I see in each of us.  And then again, why is it so important to me that others do see that same wonder and awe in themselves?  Funny how we often try to make others see our point of view.  I guess I'm thinking alot today.  Mostly thinking of a few friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Miss them and the conversations we would have, often revolving around this sort of questioning and pondering..

But, these are just my questions, some self-reflective and some not. Still, isn't it a grand thing to know that we will always have questions about things?  Means that we will always be searching for answers and trying to learn- and that brings growth within, even without our knowing it sometimes.

 So what are your questions?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Tears hidden,
in the mid of night.
Never giving up,
because I don't know how.
Always believing that the days ahead,
will be better than the days that have gone.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Quick Update

I have the best and most wonderful news I've ever recieved in my life!  The doctors are very surprised, as they were 99.9% sure my daughter had cancer, the biopsy revealed that she has Hystiocytosis- a bone disease that is not cancer!  The confounding thing to the doctors is how the Hystiocytosis is acting. All of her scans show it is acting more like an aggressive cancer would.  Because of this, She will still have to have chemotherapy for the next year to manage the disease, but it is not as life threatening as Ewing's Sarcoma would've been.  I'm very greatful for all the prayers and encouragement from everyone around the world!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hope's Story

I really wasn't sure whether or not to post this.  But, I'm feeling like we could use all the support we can get. This past week has proven to be one of the most challenging weeks I've ever had- as a parent.

Eleven years ago, my firstborn was born at 31 weeks. I had been on bedrest for nearly 3 months. She was a tiny four pounds, eleven ounces.  She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen.  I named her Hope- because it took so much faith and listening to doctors at the time to even get her safely into this world.

 I've just recently learned from the doctors that she will have the biggest battle she's ever had to face coming up.  They've diagnosed her with cancer.  When the biopsy results come back, they're pretty sure it will confirm it is Ewing's Sarcoma- an aggressive bone cancer.  Chemo therapy will start this week. 

My daughter, Hope, on the left. One of her best friends, Bri (Triana's daughter), on the right.
They love to play dress up and pose.
 All I'm asking is that everyone who reads this to pray or keep positive thoughts in your minds about her health and well being. She is a strong little girl and I know she can overcome this.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Penny for My Thoughts

Me, sizing up the "Snow Mountain" last year in Goshen/Elkhart, In.
picture taken and owned by Triana Evans.

Penny for My Thoughts by April Gerard

There's something about following
what you always felt you should do with yourself,
that brings out a confidence thats hard for others to shake off. 

If I had a penny for all the times I said to myself,
"I'm gonna do these things; these things I've set out to do",
I'd have already made myself a millionaire.

It takes a certain courage to do what others deem crazy, irrational, 
or what some even call irresponsible.  Don't give up.

Don't you give up! You keep your faith solid
and your mind on the road ahead of you.

just 'cause you got to keep telling yourself
day in and day out where your going-
don't you dare try to take the easy way, you hear me?

Don't let others make your destiny for you. 
Dream Catching is not an easy road,
but it's the One road more people should travel.