Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Repost...My Reflective Confession from May 4, 2009

I believe Love is the Ultimate healer, but I never say it out loud. I think actions always speak louder than words, when your in the company of others. I am partially deaf, but it allows me to read what your really saying. I am old fashioned, but I believe it is the way a lady should be. I think hand written letters are a sign of respect and love of the individual to whom you write. Writing is a passion of mine and I write letters to people often, I just never send them out. Sometimes, there aren't enough words to say how another person makes you feel. I believe terms of endearment should never be used lightly. I am the person who will willing drive miles just to hold someone's hand and tell them everything will be ok. I fail to give enough I think sometimes. My children are the world. I am only lonely on the inside, but I need to be alone on the outside sometimes. It is always my two hands that can change the world, and so it is with you. Books are like an addiction for me, I can never get enough of them. There is one person's voice that soothes my soul, and I never get to hear it enough. It is a voice I didn't know existed, until recently. I'm afraid to lose what I'm not sure I've even found. FAITH is more important than religion ever was. Roads always have curves and hills, and sometimes they lead you up mountains you didn't know you had the strength to climb. I feel naked when I write sometimes. It makes me feel self conscious, but I still write. I think maybe that's being brave. My life is precious to me, because I only get to live it once. I believe in the saying "speak the truth, even if it leads to your death." Friends, true friends, are far and few between. Life is precarious and moves through time ever so quickly, yet a moment in time is instantly and permenantly etched in our memories- as though we never moved from it. People often forget things, they mean no harm by it. I forget things. I fail at a lot of things, but I always keep trying. I cry a lot, but only when no one is looking. I've discovered that one tear hurts more than a flood of them do. I've had dreams of me sprouting wings and flying. They were so real that I distinctly remember the wind in my face as I soared above the ground. I've felt the power of raw hate, and hated myself for it. I will never do wrong to anyone, not even my worst enemy, if I can help it. I'm not an alcoholic, but many in my family are. I'm afraid to drink because of it. I have a tattoo to remind me that I make mistakes, that I am human. I have it because I hold myself to standards no one can live up too. I often think more of others than I do of myself. I want to be wanted. I want to love. I want to live. I feel selfish and ashamed of these wants. What was never broken, can't be fixed. But what is broken, can sometimes be shattered. I believe there is one person for everyone, but I also believe we are often too impatient to wait for them. I love plants and things that grow. I've climbed to the very tops of trees, just to see the world around me from a different view. I've fallen from those treetops trying to do just that. But I would climb them again in a heartbeat. Music is the world's best accomplishment. It is also my biggest love. Scars are a reminder of where you've been and what you've learned. I have many scars, both inside and out. I feel like a caged bird with broken wings. I want to let my hair down. I want to feel free again. I am angry at myself for not making better choices. But I always take responsibility for them. No one ever said life was supposed to be easy, and no one should ever feel they were somehow cheated if it isn't. A rubberband can only be stretched so far before it breaks, please do not treat me like one. I love beautiful things and I think people are beautiful. Passion is important. You should never trust too many people with yourself, but you should trust in at least one person to know yourself. I like walking in the middle of the night. I think stars are the most beautiful and mesmerizing things to look at. I respect myself enough to be choosy in who I share myself with. I believe I have the right to be respected. I do not take my own advice very well. I believe that happiness comes from inside of yourself, not outside of it. I am stubborn to a fault. I love unconditionally. There is always more in life to learn and there is never enough of life to learn it all. Someday, I will find myself again.

6 comments:

Opaque said...

You know, I can relate to this post in so many levels. I am sure you will find yourself again.

Syd said...

This is a wonderful post. It speaks to me in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

Did you write this all on your own? Wow. That's good if you did!

findingmywingsinlife said...

Opaque,
as can so many people I know :) Thanks...I think I'm getting there..slowly, oh so slowly though.

Syd,
This is and will probably always be my favorite work of mine. I often re-read it when I need to remind myself of what I need, where I've been and where I'm going.

Anonymous,
Yes, I wrote this all on my own. Everything I post on this blog- unless otherwise stated, is my own original work, thoughts, and ideas. Thanks for stopping in and I hope to see you stop by again!

Insomniac said...

what an inspiring post, it was so true and honest exactly what people should be reading. I felt drawn to this in so many ways and really could relate to it. Excellent post, it was everything I had ever thought of but was to afraid to say out loud. Amazing. :D

Triana said...

As always dear, I still agree with everything like it was the first time I read it.

We need to resume our nightly walks, but I guess it would be helpful if it were actually night time prior to 10pm. My favorite thing about our walks is that it doesn't matter if one of us is ranting and raving, or if both of us are ranting and raving, or if neither of us want to utter a word, it's just as soothing to simple walk and know that either way, no matter what's going on, we're always there for each other.

<3 your sentinmental best friend