Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Repost...My Reflective Confession from May 4, 2009

I believe Love is the Ultimate healer, but I never say it out loud. I think actions always speak louder than words, when your in the company of others. I am partially deaf, but it allows me to read what your really saying. I am old fashioned, but I believe it is the way a lady should be. I think hand written letters are a sign of respect and love of the individual to whom you write. Writing is a passion of mine and I write letters to people often, I just never send them out. Sometimes, there aren't enough words to say how another person makes you feel. I believe terms of endearment should never be used lightly. I am the person who will willing drive miles just to hold someone's hand and tell them everything will be ok. I fail to give enough I think sometimes. My children are the world. I am only lonely on the inside, but I need to be alone on the outside sometimes. It is always my two hands that can change the world, and so it is with you. Books are like an addiction for me, I can never get enough of them. There is one person's voice that soothes my soul, and I never get to hear it enough. It is a voice I didn't know existed, until recently. I'm afraid to lose what I'm not sure I've even found. FAITH is more important than religion ever was. Roads always have curves and hills, and sometimes they lead you up mountains you didn't know you had the strength to climb. I feel naked when I write sometimes. It makes me feel self conscious, but I still write. I think maybe that's being brave. My life is precious to me, because I only get to live it once. I believe in the saying "speak the truth, even if it leads to your death." Friends, true friends, are far and few between. Life is precarious and moves through time ever so quickly, yet a moment in time is instantly and permenantly etched in our memories- as though we never moved from it. People often forget things, they mean no harm by it. I forget things. I fail at a lot of things, but I always keep trying. I cry a lot, but only when no one is looking. I've discovered that one tear hurts more than a flood of them do. I've had dreams of me sprouting wings and flying. They were so real that I distinctly remember the wind in my face as I soared above the ground. I've felt the power of raw hate, and hated myself for it. I will never do wrong to anyone, not even my worst enemy, if I can help it. I'm not an alcoholic, but many in my family are. I'm afraid to drink because of it. I have a tattoo to remind me that I make mistakes, that I am human. I have it because I hold myself to standards no one can live up too. I often think more of others than I do of myself. I want to be wanted. I want to love. I want to live. I feel selfish and ashamed of these wants. What was never broken, can't be fixed. But what is broken, can sometimes be shattered. I believe there is one person for everyone, but I also believe we are often too impatient to wait for them. I love plants and things that grow. I've climbed to the very tops of trees, just to see the world around me from a different view. I've fallen from those treetops trying to do just that. But I would climb them again in a heartbeat. Music is the world's best accomplishment. It is also my biggest love. Scars are a reminder of where you've been and what you've learned. I have many scars, both inside and out. I feel like a caged bird with broken wings. I want to let my hair down. I want to feel free again. I am angry at myself for not making better choices. But I always take responsibility for them. No one ever said life was supposed to be easy, and no one should ever feel they were somehow cheated if it isn't. A rubberband can only be stretched so far before it breaks, please do not treat me like one. I love beautiful things and I think people are beautiful. Passion is important. You should never trust too many people with yourself, but you should trust in at least one person to know yourself. I like walking in the middle of the night. I think stars are the most beautiful and mesmerizing things to look at. I respect myself enough to be choosy in who I share myself with. I believe I have the right to be respected. I do not take my own advice very well. I believe that happiness comes from inside of yourself, not outside of it. I am stubborn to a fault. I love unconditionally. There is always more in life to learn and there is never enough of life to learn it all. Someday, I will find myself again.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

To Be Discovered

Lots of life decisions seem to be presenting themselves to me lately.  Course, I think I made my decisions a long time ago, just in the act of re-affirming them here recently maybe. 

I'm very near the completion of one of my novels I've started...its really a great feeling to know I'm getting closer to some of my life goals.  Sometimes I think we often "think" we've lost ourselves in our process of learning, living, and making what we percieve to be mistakes in the journey. But we don't really lose ourselves do we...often times, its quite the opposite in that we find or "discover" ourselves. And it often serves as a reminder that no mistake ever made gave nothing- for we always gain knowledge of something in the course of trial and error.  And in my case, I'm starting to believe that what might be percieved as a mistake is actually the best thing I've had happen...but that is sort of a complicated thing to explain, so I'm not even going to try.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm rambling on here, but my thoughts are trying to sort out many plans, ideas, and concerns.  I guess I feel like I am "discovering" many things, some good suprises and some not so good..but all are very eye opening and enabling me to see me in a different way. 

Have a good night/day everyone! and enjoy the short poem..

To Be Discovered by April Gerard

I don't know
everything I wish to know,
everything I am
is already in me,
waiting to be discovered.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Personal Growth

Today, i've decided that rather than share a poem, I'd share a journal entry.  Remember I always make comments about how I write to myself alot and have several unposted drafts on here? In fact to date I have over 560 posts of published and unpublished written works of mine on this blog that began 3 years ago.  Yes, I've been here for 3 years on blogger and its been a wonderful journey for me.
 Maybe this post will be interesting to you, maybe not..either way, the one thing you will get out of these journal posts, if I continue to post them, is that you'll learn more about me the writer and author of this blog and what it is in life that often inspires me.

Take care everyone and Have a wonderful Day or Evening!



January 21, 2010 a Journal entry by April Gerard

Did you know that I went out last week and Karaoke'd with Triana for the first time? She's never heard me sing in front of people.




Well, I did and for not having enough to drink, I didn't do too badly even though I know it could have been better. A lot better. Still, later after talking with Tri the next day, she informed me that her date boy (who was with us) was stunned. All he could get out of his mouth was "Wow."




I struggle with this. Its one of the few things I can never quite be sure I really am good at. But it is one of the things I want to work on since I'm on this endeavor to tap back into all the creative/artistic sides of me. I guess you could say I want to know the me inside better and I figure the best way to do that is to challenge yourself to do the things you love rather than putting them off or allowing your uncertainties to keep you from trying to do it.




Just like my writings. Sometimes, I think I'm afraid that if I post the really good ones- someone might be able to read them and know me. I think I'm terrified to share me with everyone else.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Labeled

Labels by April Gerard

Labeled.

Categories
and neatly
organized names.
They
mean not a thing.


But that's just it isn't it?
It means something.
Says so much about
us all.

Labels.

keep order,
keep places,
keep distances
and boundaries
between.


Labels..
we carry.

Used to define,
but given
the wrong nature
or inflexion,
they give
hate its power,
love its hurt,
and life its foe.

Labeled, we
are our own undoings.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What to post..what to post...

I have several posts that I really want to post, but after reading them I realized that my interpretation of them would not be the way others would read them. It sort of reminds me of two lines in Anna Nalick's song called Breathe (2 am), the 1st line goes "There's a light at the end of each tunnel, you shout, cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out and these mistakes you make you'll just make them again if you only try turning around"

and the 2nd line goes "I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want too...but you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button now so sing it if you understand...and..Breathe..just breathe..ohoh...breathe..just breathe" 

Have a wonderful Night/Day everyone and I'll be back to posting here in the next few days when work slows down a bit :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wonder and Fireflies

I wrote part of this awhile ago, but never finished it or I guess I should say never polished it up until now. But Triana inadvertently inspired me today with a post on her facebook about her kids and fireflies and I thought "now that is exactly the feeling I was after with this one!"  I hope you enjoy this one because I gotta tell you, catching fireflies was one of my favorite summer past times. There just seems to be something of innocence in catching those small creatures.

Wonder and Fireflies by April Gerard

Reminiscing of chasing,
of dreaming,
of child love
tucked into the heart
just like fireflies.

It's a wonder how they glow.
I wonder alot.
Truly,
really wonder.

So many things,
so much to know,
no way to know it.

Nothing is
ever really
known.

Just like the wonder
of the glow
of the fireflies.

As humans, we think...
sometimes alot,
sometimes too little.

But we're so sure.

So defined
by
what we thought...

When we thought
we knew it.

And, yet still
here
I am,
still wondering...

and

remembering
childlike wonder,
the mason jar,
and the glow
of the
fireflies.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Character

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Here is the next in my series...

Character by April Gerard

The definement of character,
it seems so simple sometimes
doesn't?


Its not though.
The diamond in the rough,
the pearl hidden in the clam,
and the wake of tears
that flood a full grown man.


These, these are defining things.
Whether one has integrity
does not mean one will not fail.


Whether one has honor,
does not mean that the world
would understand what honor was or is.


defining character...


Its hard to do,
because it requires
the outsider to come to an understanding
of the insider;

of the individual
whose character is being defined
in the eyes of those who know
not their heart or their mind.


It saddens me this..
this concept that we place
on others.

That somehow it should be
known what's right,
what's wrong; as if it were
mere common sense.


But its not you see,
far from it.

It's all relative,
illusions to the mind.
Based on the perceptions
placed in the You and the Me.