Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Flowers Blue

I have been debating back and forth whether or not I should take the time to visit my dad. 

I just don't know that I want to walk into that prison and say hey, how are things going for you in here? I know that we will probably argue and its not worth arguing anymore. I think I've come to the conclusion that he's always going to be a child on the inside. I'm not mad at him for it, just sad that it will never change for him- unless he decides to change it. But that takes thinking that there is something that needs to be changed and then wanting to do it for himself & then sticking to it.  He's never managed the "sticking to it part".  I'm not sure he can.

So, over the years- I would talk things out with him, let him tell me his problems and he would usually ask me what to do.  That's what bothers me most I think- its knowing that he wants someone else to tell him how to fix his problems- and knowing that he has to start to see it for himself, because the only person he listens to is himself.  I honestly don't know why he battles these things, because he never says why he started to begin with. Those are things he'll have to figure out for himself.  I can't fix him any more than I could anyone else in my life.  I just try to listen and to never judge- though I think with him its harder for me to do that.

 I look at my mother and see her becoming less and less like herself because of medical dementia- a disease I can't control. And then I think on my own decision to deliberately NOT see my dad when he's perfectly healthy (with the exception of his addictions & alcoholism).  I don't know..but for some reason it just keeps weighing on me.  He can be a great guy and in fact I used to be surprised at how well we could banter and chide one another, but that relationship didn't happen between us until after I was out of high school- when I could get to know him as I was never really allowed to see him while growing up (with good reasons).  The thing is, he's really smart- but not totally with the rest of the world.  He doesn't understand how to treat others, how to respect himself, and I'm not the person who can give him the answers he's always looking for. 

He's a walking contradiction in many, many ways. 

I'm starting to think he's not the reason I won't go see him, but that I'm the reason. I wonder if maybe I don't want to see a part me staring back.  I dont know, maybe I need to give this some more thought.....anyway, here is another poem to share.


Flowers Blue by April Gerard

There was an article
written in the news,
about a little girl
who didn't know what
to do.

She was 11 at the time.

She dreamed of flowers
blue; of a white dress
and bells in church to ring.

It told of her biggest fear,
one she kept locked inside,
a question her little heart
always asked,

"Who will give me away?"

6 comments:

Spellbound said...

If you go make it about you and what you need. It is not likely that he is going to any different, even if he lived 500 years.

Shadow said...

do you think maybe the only way you can let go is by not seeing him. since seeing him reminds you of your inability to do or change him? that is how i think about my brother. it's the only way i can cope. and is it wrong? i don't know. but if i did see him, it would eat me up emotionally. so it can't be all wrong? damn girl, this is a hard one...

Double-Dolphin said...

In some ways I think, my latest post may be a sort of answer to your question. Read and let me know what you think.

Deedee said...

April - this is a very moving post. I was angry at my parents for a long time and I swore that I would be the perfect parent and never repeat the mistakes they made...but I made my own mistakes instead and I know my children harbor hurt feelings that they blame on me now, much to my deep sorrow. I know I did the best I could, and I am only human. We are all deeply flawed and imperfect beings. You need to do just what is best for your spirit. We all must find our own lonely way home.

Brosreview said...

I think it is quite common for kids to complain about their parents. But, being angry with them for long is comparatively lesser. Hmm, your poem although short, speaks a lot. It is very sad!

I am not sure what I can "write" here.

PS: I am just back from my vacation!

findingmywingsinlife said...

Shadow,
I often wonder those very thoughts and like yourself, I can never seem to come up with an answer that satisfies my soul. and since I can't answer my own questions, I never seem to be able to make a decision.

D,
your post did answer some of my questions and I thank you for being kind enough to share your thoughts with us :)

Deedee,
I'm not convinced that I'm angry with my parents, just tired of their choices in some respects. And there is a deeply rooted part of me that understands their decision making, which the other parts of me wishes I didn't, at least I think.

Brosreview,
perhaps I need to re-evaluate my feelings about my parents as you are the second person on here to read this as me being angry with them...hmmm. I will definitely do some thinking on this.