Friday, February 26, 2010

Stay

Is it just me, or are fridays getting a little heavy?  Here is a song I've written. I haven't written a song in  a long time, so I hope you all like it.

STAY by April Gerard

Stay with me,
hold me in you eyes.
Stay in my sight,
all throughout my life.


Stay with me,
let me remember.
Stay in my mind
all throughout my life.


I want to breath
like nothing was ever
wrong.


I want to know
all that I could
know.


I want to take
the world
in the palms of my hands,


And give it
back to
all those who understand


when I say,
when I say


stay.


Stay with me.
hold me in you eyes.
Stay in my sight,
all throughout my life.


Stay with me,
let me remember.
Stay in my mind
all throughout my life.


Oh ooh oooooo
stay..


Let me make
my way
but please,
please


Just Stay.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Flowers Blue

I have been debating back and forth whether or not I should take the time to visit my dad. 

I just don't know that I want to walk into that prison and say hey, how are things going for you in here? I know that we will probably argue and its not worth arguing anymore. I think I've come to the conclusion that he's always going to be a child on the inside. I'm not mad at him for it, just sad that it will never change for him- unless he decides to change it. But that takes thinking that there is something that needs to be changed and then wanting to do it for himself & then sticking to it.  He's never managed the "sticking to it part".  I'm not sure he can.

So, over the years- I would talk things out with him, let him tell me his problems and he would usually ask me what to do.  That's what bothers me most I think- its knowing that he wants someone else to tell him how to fix his problems- and knowing that he has to start to see it for himself, because the only person he listens to is himself.  I honestly don't know why he battles these things, because he never says why he started to begin with. Those are things he'll have to figure out for himself.  I can't fix him any more than I could anyone else in my life.  I just try to listen and to never judge- though I think with him its harder for me to do that.

 I look at my mother and see her becoming less and less like herself because of medical dementia- a disease I can't control. And then I think on my own decision to deliberately NOT see my dad when he's perfectly healthy (with the exception of his addictions & alcoholism).  I don't know..but for some reason it just keeps weighing on me.  He can be a great guy and in fact I used to be surprised at how well we could banter and chide one another, but that relationship didn't happen between us until after I was out of high school- when I could get to know him as I was never really allowed to see him while growing up (with good reasons).  The thing is, he's really smart- but not totally with the rest of the world.  He doesn't understand how to treat others, how to respect himself, and I'm not the person who can give him the answers he's always looking for. 

He's a walking contradiction in many, many ways. 

I'm starting to think he's not the reason I won't go see him, but that I'm the reason. I wonder if maybe I don't want to see a part me staring back.  I dont know, maybe I need to give this some more thought.....anyway, here is another poem to share.


Flowers Blue by April Gerard

There was an article
written in the news,
about a little girl
who didn't know what
to do.

She was 11 at the time.

She dreamed of flowers
blue; of a white dress
and bells in church to ring.

It told of her biggest fear,
one she kept locked inside,
a question her little heart
always asked,

"Who will give me away?"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I still See

I'm working on putting together that idea I had, its going to take me some time to get it all put together, but once I'm ready to start it- I will let you all know. Until then, hope you like my random posts :)

I still See by April Gerard

Beauty I still see,
remnants of remains
of silent beckonings.

I still see inside
all the things I still
think reside..
there in you.

Beauty I still see

traces of thoughts
in ambiguity; faded

Its beautiful.
Wonderful.
and still leaves me
in awe; breathless.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Have Not Forgotten You

Well, I'm really truly getting the rest I've needed and I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.  I'm not anywhere near home as I've decided to a take a short vacation from work & other things. I'm writing, relaxing, and enjoying the wonderful weather where I'm at today.

In retrospect-this time off has given me the ability to understand some things- personal things that I haven't really allowed time to think back on and reflect.  There's a letter that I've written to a friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a while and I think that when I get back home, I'll be sending that letter.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy my relaxation and share with you each yet another poem that was written last year.  It is a bit of a sad poem, but I really think many of us feel this way at some time or another in our lives. The bright side is that these feelings don't always last forever. Have a beautiful day everyone!

October 9,2009
I Have Not Forgotten You by April Gerard

I have not forgotten you,
But my heart seems lost these days.
Torn between two and three views,
Through this window pane.


I have not forgotten you.
I shiver, but its not really cold,
Its memories of what has been dreamed
That leaves me feeling shot and empty.


I have not forgotten you,
A broken glass of bottled emotions,
Invisible to the naked eye.


Left its mark for me to bear the scar.


I have not forgotten you,


I have not forgotten you,


but you..


You have forgotten me.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ideas and Persistence: Never give up even when something doesn't always work

I have so many great ideas floating in my head as of late. I have discovered that by giving myself permission to take a break on my personal goals (like writing, blogging, etc.), I've inadvertently given myself, or my brain really, the rest it needed to really function well and churn out all those creative things I was searching for to finish my projects.  I'm doing alot better and feeling better too, but I think its going to be one of those things where I need to pace myself and go slow at it as I work towards completions of the many different goals and ideas I have. 

So, Here's a bit of a rundown on the projects, ideas, and thoughts that are in progress or emerging:

1. Here at work, many exciting things are happening. Just to name a few- I've been extremely busy with planning and preparations for our new program we're starting up. I'm so excited to announce that we will be offering foreclosure intervention counseling to those in our area and community trainings geared towards homeownership education.  Habitat isn't just building houses, we're helping to build and sustain our communities.  I'm very excited and honored to be a part of this planning and implementation of this wonderful new program.

Also, we've been talking with a local college and will be forming a partnership with their Drafting & Design programs to allow their students the opportunity to not only help our mission, but to learn the hands on training they will need as the enter the workforce in their given field.  I can see endless possibilities with this partnership.

2. Because I love music and I've seen many, many bands do incredibly inspiring things to support causes they love with their music (examples are U2, Nickleback, Reba McEntire, and Blue October) I've been trying to find different ways to get a few national acts to do a benefit concert for my local affiliate.  Sooo...keep in mind I'm a "try, try, and try again" sort of person who believes that failing is actually success in disguise because you learn from what doesn't work and it encourages you to find other means to get the same thing accomplished.  Hence my newest idea to accomplish this (it may or may not work, we'll see).  What's the idea?

Well about a year ago, I read an article about a man who traded a paper clip for a house online- you can read about it here. Well, he started with the paper clip, and over a period of about a year or two- he had manage to trade various items, until he finally had an offer of trading his last item for a house. So I'm thinking of trying the same - only with the end goal of being a benefit concert for Habitat for Humanity (I'm shooting for Nickleback & Shinedown). I don't think I want to start with a paper clip though..I do however have a small 4x4 painting that I've done that I think I'll start out with...give me your ideas guys- what do you think? Think I can pull it off or do you have a different idea in mind?  I'm open for conversations here :) 

anyway, there's a lot more- but I'll return later this weekend to catch you up on everything.  I'm serious though about this idea of mine- so please leave me your thoughts on what you think might or might not work!

Thanks everyone and I hope you each have an awesome weekend!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Year of Reflections

I have been noticing that a lot of people are taking a break from their blogs. It would seem that this is the year of reflection for many. In talking through emails/phone calls I’ve discovered that some of you are on a mission- a mission to find yourself and reconnect with all the parts of you that somehow- you thought you lost. Even I have not been posting as regularly as I used to.


I think for me though, it’s the idea of giving myself some balance. I’m more focused on some other things that I want to accomplish and I’ve been giving some more thought to what else I’d like to explore here on this blog. I love to write my poems, short stories, and such…but I want to do more with it. Perhaps I’ll start to include stories of the families I work with here at my Habitat affiliate (with their permission of course). But I would like to share the wonderful things I see in my world of work; I want to make good on showing the world that change can and does happen in small increments, and with small hands at work- just like mine.

Either way though, I’m here, rooting for each of you who are in the midst of finding your wings. You’ve got a friend here, who is just an email away if you need a place to vent, to let off steam, to shout out epiphanies, or to simply talk to have someone to talk to. And I’ll still be around here, posting everyday when it strikes me or every few days as it continues to be a busy, sometimes heartbreaking- but nonetheless, still a wonderful roller coaster ride of life.

Have a beautiful day everyone and hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with some more thoughts to share :-)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Summer Ways

I'm feeling extrodinarily happy today. Not that anything really exciting is going on, but that explicit joy that comes from knowing you're overcoming your own hurdles and that the hope you almost let go of, really is there after all.  Yeaaay! Makes me feel like a kid all over again. Kinda reminds me of summer in that easy feeling that  it brings when you're enjoying warm weather and people.

Summer Ways

Sunshine bright
smile wide as happiness is.
Jump up,
fall down,
land on feet,
and jump up again.
Kids playing,
water sprinkling over yonder,
and a small little one
stretches out a hand
to catch the bubbles floating
in the air that another
child has blown in the wind.
Bikes whizzing by,
runners making their rounds,
students forgetting their studies
to enjoy the last of Sunshines ray's
a crest of red streaks up over head
as the Moon takes slowly
over the sky and Sun sets.
A warm breeze,
a smile at ease,
and Summer's thoughts
whisper melodies.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Woman's War: Short Story of fiction

Wow, its been a long while since I've posted a short story on here.  I know these often times take a bit more time to read, so I do hope you each don't mind the little bit of diversion from the normal poetry, etc. Sometimes you just need to do something different.

So, here you all go-as promised, a short story of fiction. Hope you guys like it.

A Woman’s War
A short story of fiction by April Gerard


She turned to stare at nothing but the wall of grey in front of her. It was so much like she felt. Nothing. A blank page for a blank mind, just the way she wanted it right now. But it didn’t mean she liked it. Every other thing she tried to keep her mind on failed. So, it was best to keep it clear. To keep it from reaching that one thought that would break it all apart. That one emotion really is what she was aiming at keeping tucked away. There was no use for it, at least not in this time and space.


She thought and thought and wondered, how did it get so wrong? Her heart betrayed her- belied that what she yearned for was the right thing. But she knew well that the heart was wrong. Silence had taught her that. His silence.


She had made a vow though, a promise of friendship she did not give up on easily. It was not in her nature to stop being friends with a good friend.


So how to be that friend when she knew the silence of the other was out of awkwardness, out of avoidance, out of the fact that they’d rather forget that remember. Because, really who wants to be reminded that their hearts lept before thought got the better of them? And who really wants to be tempted by what they can’t have when they feel obliged to stay in their current choices?


The grey wall stared back at her. She was torn, but refused to acknowledge the fact. Her draft of an unsent message beckoned her to send it, to tell him exactly what weighed on her mind every day. But she fought it off, taking herself to that blank space of grey in her mind and willing that her heart would no longer listen to its voice when the call would never be answered by the other. She willed herself to move on from her foolish frivolities of wanting and longings. And she dared herself to forget the most beautiful memory that encased her mind’s vision of its scenery.


It was a dare she lost daily.


She turned away from the wall. It wouldn’t give her anymore answers, it couldn’t. Just like so many things in life, the question of whether or not a heart really truly knows best was still just as elusive as it had always been.


She sighed. She knew that wasn’t true.


She knew deep down, her heart had been right. But there was nothing to be done about it. The wrong time and place happens to everyone all the time. All she had to do was pretend that she never saw the look in his eyes. The one that told her, her heart was right.


Problem was, he was never going to let it know it was right.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Chase

I often wonder on many things, this poem here is another look into the way my mind sometimes wanders. I kinda like this one though, I just let it flow out of me in these last few minutes; letting my mind go wherever it decides in the moment.  I hope you each like it as well.  Have a wonderful week my friends and my apologies for not being timely in responding to all the comments on the last few weeks posts- I promise I'll get there but until then, hope you enjoy my impromptu poem.

The Chase

The palore of moon
meets not the sun,
for its ever rising and setting
in opposites,
one chasing after the other.
Makes me wonder
at how we chase the world,
with our dreams,
our loves,
our convictions of absolutes,
when absolute
was always relative.
The stars shine
even in spite of the darkness
in which they sit.
Somehow the shades
of darkness
make them more beautiful.
Indiana skies, sometimes though,
hold both the Moon & the Sun
in the same view,
as if
for awhile
the chase,
was almost won.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Quotes I like

I found these quotes a few days ago and thought they were really good ones to share.  Hope that everyone has been having a wonderful weekend. I know mine has been going pretty good :)

"You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round." -James J. Corbett

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey".-Kenji Miyazawa

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth." – Benjamin Disraeli

"Just don't give up on trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."– Ella Fitzgerald

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."- Victor Frankl

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."- Mahatma Gandhi

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Best Friends


A small tribute to all of the wonderful friends I have both on here and in the real world.  Thank you all.

Best Friends

When my tears are rolling,
your there to catch them when needed
or to let them fall when I need to feel them.


When I feel like I can't do this anymore,
you're there to answer the phone,
or offer up encouragement and a listening ear,
even when you have so much going on yourselves.


When I need to vent out my sorrows,
you show me yours and stand there and smile,
reminding me that all is never really lost or
forgotten.


When I feel like my heart has betrayed me,
you calmly reach out your hands
not to tell me I'm wrong or show me whats right,
but to offer your stoic friendship of understanding.


When foolishly I crawl,
after I've stepped off of the cliff
you help me to walk.


When my eyes are blind
to those who would do my heart harm,
you help me see.


When I beg to just let go,
to let me forget those eyes
that haunt my soul,
you remind me that love is always right there,


waiting,


in the hands of a friend who has been strong enough
to care..even when you need it more than I.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dreams Remembered

I'm going to a Pacers game tomorrow night, tickets given to me for free. I've never been to an NBA game and its been a long, long time since I've been to a sporting game of any kind (long story there). I'm rather excited about it though!

So then I've been writing again. I've got a short story that's almost done. I'll probably post it tomorrow or Saturday. I'm kinda liking it, though its slightly different from my normal works.

After a lot of inner contemplation, I've finally decided to share this poem with you guys. It's a little more risque than I would normally post on here, but I thought you know these are human emotions- things we can't and/or shouldn't hide because they're beautiful feelings sometimes. So here it is, a dream turned into a poem. Hope you like it and that you all have a wonderful night!

December 8, 2009

Dreams Remembered

she remembers,
the softness of his skin,
the teasing gleam in his eyes,
sensuous soft kisses
along her neck.
she remembers,
the banter and laughter,
the ease of two together,
and the surprise as he carried her
to the bed.
She remembers,
a longing never felt before,
a touch that eased the aches,
and helped to heal the hurt.
She remembers,
a dream that felt like yesterday,
a dream that seems to have gone
like thin air.
But she remembers
the contour of his body,
the taste of his mouth,
the beautiful way they came together,
a fit, a perfect match.
She remembers so much it hurts.

Too bad it wasn't real.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A world of questions

This post is a continuation of the comment I left on Rick's Campfire post. He really got my brain to thinking, as he usually does ;)

and like my friend Rick, I'm always thinking up more questions than I am answers. I kinda think it makes me appreciate my world more. Love it more for the small wonders that my brain can never seem to wrap itself around completely, which leaves me in complete awe of how much I'll never really know.


A World in My Pocket

Often times, I wonder at the notions we carry,
the things we think we know
and the things we couldn't possibly
have time enough to find all the answers for.

It makes me ask things like..


Does the grass know we walk on it?
Does it care? Should we?

Does water have a soul,
wrapped around me in its cleansing warmth?
Does it know that it caresses my hurts,
did it choose to or am I using it for my own purpose?

Ah, and then really,
is the Universe outside the earth darkened
because we're tucked into the pocket of God,
surrounded by all that he or she might think to carry?

Or is the marble in my hands a world
all its own, with its own version
of humanity hidden in its insides?

And what then does that make me?

Does the wind know we can't see it,
As it wraps its arms around us in a gentle
spring breeze or whips us
with its wrath when angry?

Of course the wind knows its angry, right?
or is it me and my moods on any given day,
am I lending it my feelings and stuffing it
with thoughts so that it might have a soul?

Could I ever really know? Beautiful isn't it?
All these wonderful questions that the world
in our pocket holds.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Getting the Reflections...

It has been an intensive last couple of days for me. Thanks to Triana my post got posted yesterday (no wi fi available where I was, unless I wanted to pay a fee which I didn't want to do)to my apologies for being remiss on Sunday night, I gave up trying to find a place with free wi fi where I was at when I was pretty tired to begin with.

So where was I the last couple of days?

I had to attend a training on how to facilitate a Civic Reflection session. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when we started and now after spending these last few days immersed in it, i find myself both invigorated and tired at the same time- in a good way I might add. Wow is the best word to describe the experience of participating and it has left a very meaningful impression on me. To learn a little bit more on what I'm referring to, visit the Project on Civic Reflection

I haven't really fully assimilated in my head all that I learned or even quite been able to express to myself what the full impact of this training was on me. I will tell you that I did experience a level of personal humility as I ended up sharing some personal information during some of our discussions- stuff that I did not think would come up in conversations with so many of my professional colleagues. All in all I highly encourage you to find a way to participate in a Civic Reflection session, it will be well worth your time.

So with that said, I'm quite tired so I will return to my normal posting tomorrow. I do hope everyone has been having a wonderful week or at least had one good thing that happened to them this week.