Sunday, January 31, 2010

My thoughts, my eyes

Writing is hard, mentally challenging - a stimulus I like as it allows my thoughts to free flow; to be open ended. It's the way the world should be looked at instead of the way so many choose to see it. The world is beautiful and full of possibilities when we look at it open ended.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Funny conversations

Well, I realized today that my posts might just be getting a bit heavy or depressing. I liked yesterday's post..it was just as much for myself as it was for anyone else, but no comments on it so wasn't sure what to make of that :)

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I would like to write about just yet, so I'm in the mood for funnies and I'll share some random conversations. Sometimes, you just have to have a sense of humor in life.

Conversation 1:

"Ugh. Look at this. This is so sad. you can't even see my underwear with all this!"

"Underwear?? U call that underwear? You can't see it is because there is nothing to it! Its nothing but a string & a piece of triangle with a damn rainbow on it!"

Conversation 2:

"Damn this is the most wood I've seen at my desk in a long time." (he cleaned off his desk, but didn't quite figure out how wrong that statement was. He's hilarious.)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thoughts for Today

I've got 2 songs stuck in my head, 1 depressing & 1 upbeat. A combination of my mood: heavy, sad, and yet optimistic at the same time.

"Cause its always raining in my head, forget all the things I should have said" Epiphany by Staind & " should be so careful who we let fall out of our lives...we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say, gotta live like we're dying" Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen.

I guess I'm saying live life and when you fall, just keep on going..cause the clock doesn't stop for you to figure out its still worth living. And love doesn't always wait around for you to decide you really want it.

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Silence

I thought that I was going to get to finally take some time last night and visit everyone's blog. That I would get to post all these thoughts and ideas that were waiting for me to think them out as to how I wanted to write them down. I thought that I would have time to relax to myself last night since I was on the road for work.

And I was wrong.



First off, it is the oddest feeling to be driving south and the snowing/blowing was actually getting worse, not better, the more I drove. I finally made it to my destination in Bloomington last night at 11:30 pm, only to get to my room, turn on my laptop and realize that the free wifi didn't work.



So in total, yesterday between all the places I had to visit for work, what should have been a grand total of about 6 hrs on the road- turned into 11 hours because of all the snow that hit last night as I left my last stop for the day for Bloomington. Luckily the drive back up home wasn't nearly as bad. Now here I am writing all this and chatting with Tri.



Oh, and Rick- next time use that phone number I gave you...you'd have better luck getting ahold of me ;)

So with that said, here is another poem from last year that never got posted.


February 28, 2009 11:05 p.m.

Silence

Silence is
thick.
It stifles
the air
here.
Silence is
heavy.
It keeps
me from
speaking.
Silence is
broken.
Once we
finally
say no more.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Waters

Sometimes, when you aren't able to take a different look at things to help you make better choices, you don't have a full understanding of what you're doing.

I wrote this back in December with that thought in mind. Paths can be chosen, but until you've seen its map from a different perspective, you may never really know what shape the path ultimately takes. And sometimes its neccessary to leave your chosen path in order to find a way to reach your destination in life. I heard a phrase once that relates to this idea- "to be lost, is to be so close to being found."

Hope you enjoy this one! See you tomorrow night!

December 15, 2009

The Waters

The waters of life sometimes,
it looks crystal clear,
in the wake of my views.

Wiping away the stains,
the greens of algae, you understand.
The water was not as clean,
tranquility was elusive you see.

Sometimes, you think you know,
you are sure of the direction
the path is taking.

But when only seen
from the ground your feet rest on-
you can't see the conch shell shape it takes,
in a spiraling circle with no direction at all.


So you must look at your waters,
and you must see your ground,
and chose to take the path or leave it-
for a place that you've yet to have found.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Traces

I've taken up a challenge. Often times, Tri will read through my drafts on here and then she will quite deliberately look at me as if I'm a few screws loose or a box of crayons short one crayon. "April, you really ought to post some of these. Why do you hide your best work from the world?"

I never really answer that question, (and she knows I probably never will) but I will share one of these poems she seems to think are really good with its original date just above - so you can see when I originally wrote it. It's just a short poem, not much really, but it seems complete just the way it is I think. Anyway, Here's to learning to trust that which is inside of me.

December 8, 2009 11:09 am



Traces



Traces,
fingertips,
eyes meet and
pulled closer they came
to one another.
She remembered thinking,
my god- He's beautiful.
And she wanted to say it out loud,
but her voice died in her throat.

Friday, January 22, 2010

To Hold a Summer's Night

Here is a new poem of mine to share. Though it is clearly not a warm season around here for me, I got to thinking on summer breeze's and nighttime air which is what inspired this. Hope you like it!

To Hold a Summer's Night

Deep he sat,
under willows bent.
Heavens of night
opened to blanket
the earthen road of
trodden grass.
Funny this,
this calming breeze
of star studded glitters
and smells of green.
Moon was waning,
only a sliver of sight.
The coolness beneath
his barefooted feet;
the dry and moist of mud
almost as dry as dirt.
Crickets called their lullaby
and Fireflies shimmered
their secrets amongst
the darkened sky,
while he sat with
his thoughts in deep.
Nights such as these
held a sensuous sway
with gentle caresses of
its windswept hands
and secrets woven
in the bend of willow's branch.
Such was beauty undenied,
in the heart of a Summer's black night.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Painting a Picture

I am sitting here painting a picture, because its soothes my heart of this ache that I cannot define. I am perplexed, as always, with the way emotions seem to rule your heart when your head hasn't begun to completely wrap itself around the notion. It is making it difficult to write, to think, to function some days. Yet, all the while I keep telling myself everything will be ok. Is it? Will it really? and on and on and on I wrestle with these things in my head.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Happy Birthday to my Son!

This is an old picture, taken a couple of years ago- but here is my wonderful little man when he still had some curls to his hair. His personality hasn't changed a bit though, and he's always on the go. He turned 5 years old today.





Precious years, I don't want to lose.
Ever curious, ever on the go, and
into everything.
Making people laugh,
that's what you like to do
because Life, to you, should be fun
and who am I
or
anyone else for that matter,
to tell you any different?
You are in a lot of ways
wiser than the rest of us,
who thought growing up
was the best thing
to do.
I love you.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Let me Cry

I feel really out of sorts today. Its hard to explain the feelings. This poem will probably seem more like rambling- but then I suppose that's really what it is. Have a good night everyone.

Let Me Cry

Argued to no avail at home and then
talked with my best guy friend
and stumbled on my words.
My soul hurts from my own failings.

Off; somehow these last few days
not being able to say things quite right-
even here in blogland.
These steps are mine, but they need a different road.

Brought home papers
but refusal was thrown back.
Worked like it was the only thing
that mattered, but I know its not.

Wishing for a friend to talk to me again,
though they won't because of the things I have said.
Not knowing how to make that right,
but wanting to.

Irony smiles,
at the seeming twists of fate.
But only for this moment
in time.

Looking at the eyes of my Mother,
not seeing her the same.
Wondering how do I do this
and help her, when she won't ever get better?

And then I hear these words-
told to me straight forward,
honest and true.
The best gift ever given to me.

"Self preservation is an art," he says,
"Carry yourself with honor.
Your strength will see you through,
Because we make of Life what we choose."

I am humbled.
How did I ever deserve such a friend?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Unraveled

I read a new blog today that caught my attention and this poem is what came to mind after I digested the writers words a bit. It's different for my writings; don't know whether or not I like this one, but I'm sure you guys will let me know what you think.

Either way, the poem is how the writer of the new blog feels- at least I think this is how they are feeling. Their posts had such a deep melancholy to it- like they were wading in water too deep for them to swim in, yet they were managing to keep afloat. Almost like they hadn't quite given up on Hope just yet.

I hope that they keep holding on to that little bit of hope.

Unraveled

I'm feeling a bit undone,
unraveled- letting out and letting in
at the same time.
I want to wrap me back up,
and yet I like the freer movements,
without my own constrictions;
or those imposed by others.

Choices, there are always choices.

Some pulled out of desire, some out of comfort,
and some because the choice is so dear to the heart-
it hurts to think of not chosing it.
And each one I examine carefully;
they lay there in front of me,
tearing me apart.

Birds without wings,
eyes without sight,
a mind without fear

all..all
can become a comfort of sorts
in plight.


Decisions, there are always decisions.

Some born of frustrations, some of anothers hand,
and some of freedom born within the instance
it was understood that freedom could be had.
And each one weighs and pulls in opposite
directions. Each tossed or held
as fragments of my humanity fell apart.

Let me lay, just let me lay still
in the darkness of my night.
Let me not think on what, how,
or why.
But let me love without saying
what's wrong or what's right.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Logic of a 3 year old

Quotes & conversations with a 3 year old:

Triana took my kids to the local park for about an hour to give me time to rest as I had a bit of a headache today. This is the conversation she had with my youngest daughter.

"Don't run across that, its slick from being cold."

"I can make it across by myself!"

"Ok little miss super powers, you just see what happens then.."

"I DO have Super powers!" she yelled back just as she hit the slick spot and fell down. She then looked up at Triana while laying there on the ground with a pouting look and said, "Well, I wish I had super powers. Can you help me up?"

And then yesterday, that same little girl of mine woke me up and said, "Here mom, let me put some lip gloss on you." as she smears it all over my mouth she then exclaims,"Mom! You look beautiful!" I just smiled and gave her a kiss.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

For Annie

I was going to post this last night, but my computer and me were not cooperating with one and another.... although strangly, it seems to be working just fine this morning- as if we never had an argument :)

So, I think its time to share this one. I wrote it back in September of last year, however, the more I re-read it, the more I think it is the perfect poem to give to Annie (she has already given me permission to share it) and to all the other women/men who are struggling with the same.


A Letter

Backwards looks over my shoulder,
have I really gone down that road?
No regrets, just a faint of ember smoldered
I chose this, but not like this- I must remember that

The rope of chains once suffocating deep
no longer a barrier to my steps.
I choose to walk away,
for good.

I figured it out now, what it was about you that makes
me hate you so. I never thought I would you know,
never thought I'd hate you.

Tears still catch my cheeks unaware as I realize now
how it really has been- all these years

I'm recovering from this, slowly.
Feeling freer than I've ever been.

But even still, I know I won't ever be the same. And that's ok, I guess.

Did you know I couldn't open up easily,
but I gave you that chance
and you closed the door on my face.

I cried when I realized there would be no trust between us.

I never told you my childhood stories,
because I could never give you that part of me that hurt the most.
Because you could never heal me, Did you know?

All those years of fighting, the smashing, the hard cold stares you'd give me-
when you didn't get your way. These are why I can't stay.
These are why I must walk away.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rain

I've got lots of stuff in my head, things I want to write and post and yet not. Its been an interesting day. Lots of stuff goin on here in this little world of mine. I was bummed to hear Teddy Pendergrass passed away yesterday- one of the most influential R&B singers of his time, loved his music. I don't know whats with me today, but I seem so not inspired, or well maybe its more not motivated to write it out. I'm gonna try to write something anyway. Lets see what comes out....

Rain by April Gerard (last stanza is from the song Rain by Breaking Benjamin)

Even though I know,
there is nothing else show,
I still feel naked here in the rain.

I look at these hands of mine,
just remind of the times,
I held a special memory in their palms.

Tears fall, but I don't know why.
I shouldn't feel so empty
when it rains.

Sometimes there is nothing left,
I just take it as it comes I guess,
and smile cause I know it will go away.

and I sing just one line to myself today
and it goes,

"Rain, Rain go away,
come again some other day,
all the world is waiting on the sun."

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tomorrow's Hope

Dianne will recognize this poem I'm sure, but its one I wrote for a fellow blogger who no longer blogs. I thought I'd share it with all of you :)

Tomorrow's Hope

Chances come and go,
dreams we sometimes lose hold,
in efforts to keep at bay-
the pain of what we couldn't say.
But what we feel,
we cannot control,
and it ever reminds us,
of what we thought we should have done.
Turning to the clock to stare,
yes time still moves
in spite of our despair,
but its never too late to see,
to see that you have not lost,
when there is still a breath
to breathe.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

To Find a Place of Peace

I wrote this the other day for two of my friends, each struggling with their own inner wars. Hope you guys like it.

For Triana & Rick

To Find a Place of Peace

Sometimes depression is
soothing.

when you are overflowing
with tastes of bitterness,
that doesn't show itself except
in the lone hours
of huddled corners,
knees drawn up to your chest.

And you revel in the quietness,
where confusion doesn't take its toll
and there is no one around to offer their
solutions-
when you weren't asking for them.

When all you're looking for
is not even absolution,
not answers- just a release.
A bare all, tell all..
of confessing your pain
to your soul.

An honesty avoided
to conceal the damage.

You.

alone.

to face your own worst enemy and
to show yourself your own strength
by grabbing the truth
and swallowing it down.

To become one with the mirrored image,
amd to be ok with what you've found.

To pick up
and pull together
the fragments of your wings,
and become something more
than what you've believed yourself to be.

To find your place of Peace.


Monday, January 11, 2010

What I was up to this weekend...hehehe

Well fellow bloggers, I was once again remise from my blog most of this weekend without any intentions of doing so. This year seems to be going differently already(not sure if I like that or not), but I did have a great time this weekend. I do intend to post a few new poems in the next few days that I've written for several friends, but until then Have fun reviewing my weekend pics:

Friday Night: Writing and relaxing at Barne's and Noble.



Saturday's Adventure: Me sizing up a Snow Mountain in the middle of a parking lot in Goshen, Indiana and then- Climbing it!

And later Saturday evening: Sitting and chilling, waiting for our friends, Sirface, to take the stage. It was the first time they had played a venue in Goshen. We had a really good time dancing and just enjoying ourselves in general.


Oh...and this...umm...well...As we were randomly driving around in the Goshen/Elkhart area, this HUGE Snowman caught our view before we went to the show. Of course, Triana had to have her way with the Patriot ;-)

There was a lot more that we did, but I'm betting that Triana's gonna post about it on her blog later :)













Friday, January 8, 2010

Winning Over Me

I wrote this back in the beginnings of December, but it fits today well. Everyday- you, me, or someone in the world is feeling down or lost or hopeless in some way, shape, or form. This is a short poem reflecting my small, day to day triumphs over the uncertainties that come with Life.

As I told Lex today on the phone, "I refuse to be a person who always questions why things happen to me. I may sometimes be down, but I am not broken."

Winning Over Me

I feel like I've won a battle of sorts today.

Watching the snow fall,

hearing the silence around me.

Knowing that all will be well with time.

The essence of uncertainty

sometimes tries to wrap its hands

around my time, to influence or to sway.

But I have won you see,

the darkness no longer clouds my vision.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Perfect Sweet

I've got Long December stuck in my head and images of the past floating alongside it, mixed with visions of what my future might hold. I can actually hear Adam Duritz sing these words of mine in my head...hope that doesn't make me crazy :-)


Perfect Sweet (a Poem/Song inspired by the song "Long December" by the Counting Crows)

Where did it go
when I said I'd take it slow,
when began to beat my heart so very fast?
It took a breath, and took me in
without me knowing where to send
all these thoughts of mine
that take me to your face.

I look behind
I see a sky and empty words that
make me say these very things
are what I should not be chasing
as I try.
Try to catch it, try to make it stay
in this heart's room filled with colors;

though sometimes its like a blue gray smoke
against a blackened night.


Seems to me there is
something in the in-between
that makes you shake and makes you shiver
down a road that took a hard look at my past.
A candle light is waiting at my fingertips
if I can hold on long enough..

enough to see it shine.

I wonder if you ever understood
the need that pulses through
the air in solitary movements
touching light against a dark
that climbed inside of me
and took me home to a place
where balance is perfect sweet.




Jan. 8, 2010 edit: somehow this post ended up on the wrong date, even though I didn't start writing it until yesterday afternoon... **sigh**

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Still Writing..a few thoughts on my goals

I am in the local library tonight. There is something tranquil about being in a library, almost like the books breath in harmony. It is one of my favorite places to be- when I have the time. I am going to make a concerted effort to spend one night a week here this year (and no its not a resolution, I don't do those).
The purpose of wanting to spend a night a week here is simple- I need to make time to write more than just a post a day. I need to pay attention to these wonderful stories I've created and not finished yet. The characters in these stories have been practically screaming at me to let them out of my head and onto paper. So I'm going to make more time for them.
So far this year, I've managed:
  • to eek out 20,375 words in Kipleyarren, the novel that I shared excerpts of in the beginning of the year (it was longer, but due to revision, I've cut out some things that didn't fit in with where I wanted to take the story)
  • and in the new fiction novel -Dark Wings, started for the NaNoWriMo contest, I've eeked out 10,113 words of which I find interesting considering it only took me two months to write that much and nearly the last two years to write whats in Kipleyarren.
  • I have also completed 30, 524 words in my Memoir entitled The Wing Seeker.
I have learned some interesting things about my writing and how to get out the ideas through this process. Taking time off from the first novel was good. It gave me time to reflect on what I needed to do in order to complete it. Also, having more than one writing project at a time has helped to keep the creativity flowing, if I'm stuck on one- I can work on one of the other ones. It makes it so I'm not trying to push out words and instead helps push out ideas, creates continuity, and builds upon my thoughts.
The fact that I continually posted here on my blog, nearly everyday last year with a few exceptions was a big help. Even if all I did was write a few lines here and there- it allowed my mind to roam with words in exploring life and its possibilities. I will continue to do that this year as well.
And most importantly are some very dear friends who have supported me along the way and will continue to support me with their encouragements and honest feedback- Triana & Lex who are my two best friends in the whole world and I could not do without them in my life, Shadow, Rick (you had better come back to blogger buddy!), Ajey & Annie, Hailey (who is an amazing friend of mine here in the real world- she's planning to bike across America this summer!), and all of the other blog friends on here who I may have failed to mention who have continually encouraged me. Thank You!

Monday, January 4, 2010

To Memory

I'm sorry guys, this was the longest stretch of being away from posting on my blog and that was not my intentions. Writing is good for me and I hope good for you each as well. I've been thinking of how each of us have certain memories we keep for ourselves, some we tell ourselves out loud to keep, others we mentally tuck them away for safe keeping, and still others we can't seem to erase no matter how hard we try to forget. It was this train of thought that led me to write this, I hope I've caught the emotional idea that memories seem to bring forth in each of us.

To Memory

I cried tears for you.
Still do,
every now and then when
your face appears before me
in an unbidden daydream.
Didn't see this coming,
yes..that's what I heard and
No, no I didn't either.
I try so hard to swallow
the dryness in my throat,
the words that always seemed to die
there.
I try to stuff you somewhere else,
in the corner recesses of my mind.
Hoping.
Praying.
That this feeling you conjure up will ease
with the passage of time,
and yet..stay all at the same time.
No.
I don't want you to go.
Don't fade away, it was a shooting star
I'm sure- a glimmer of beauty only meant to be
seen in that twilight of time
where honesty forgot responsibility or morality
and told its secrets in an instant,
without question.
But I..
yeah I wish it didn't hurt so much,
you coming to visit my head
when I don't ask.
The sight of you hurts,
replaying in my mind.
ah, yes. That is true, I can't deny it-
You are a beautiful memory,
the only one I have to keep.
The only one that
gave me hope and killed me
in the same moment.
Beautiful things do that,
and memories are just the memoirs
of instances
permanently etched.
Of moments too precious to lose, or lessons
to valueable to forget.
Of time and space and aging forgotten
in the ageless sense
our emotions give.
Placed there,
in you
a memory.

Friday, January 1, 2010

A small Note today

Happy New Year everyone, I'll be back to normal posting in the next couple of days. I've got Life going on over here and its been interesting with its ups and downs and challenges. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the sounds of my kids screaming at one and another, because one day they won't be so little anymore :)