Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Conflict of Hearts and Minds

Conflict of Hearts and Minds by April Gerard

Seems I've been somewhat nearing something,
A river of thoughts conflicting and yet tied as one.
Vision of ice unfrozen, thawed scenes moving.
words of many, and some words of One.


My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.


Course, gotta run it's course.
The beat found footsteps leaving.
They always do that.
Leave when it's too much,
when the heart stilled makes a sound.


I know they think me foolhardy.
I know they think I couldn't possibly see
so much in them.
Better they pretend I'll not be without for long.
Better someone else they think...


Still, I know they think wrong on that.
I'm learning things about myself though,
Seeing me in ways I never knew.
Growing again, maybe. At least for that,
I should tell them Thank you.


Then again, who knows, maybe it's best the way they want it.


Not sure if I believe it's best with this silence.
Can't make a person see in my head though,
can't make them believe in anything.
Don't even really know if I should.
Should I??? 


That's my gift though.
To see people as they were meant to be,
not as they've done or act now.
Doesn't help fill any lingering aches though.
Doesn't really matter I suppose.
Or does it?  To me anyway, I suppose it might...but not to them.


People always have more inside them than they realize.
But they never believe it, I see it on their faces all the time.
Hear it in their voices.
I see it though, believe me- it's there.


Tough not to be able to see the whys
and yet, I've never had anyone leave that shouldn't.
I just didn't know it at the time.
But, this time seems different.
Is it me?  Or do I just want something more than I should?


Can't tell,
don't really know.
These last few weeks have left me a bit hallowed-
numb really. If I had a hard time feeling anything before,
it's more difficult now. 


She's too little to have to do all of this.


Isn't she?  Leaves me wondering about others.
Strength is required to live in this,
yet I know some do not have this strength.
Weird how so many think they don't have the strength for life.
But that's what we're born with, it's a God given gift.


But, I know how it is. Understand how they think.
My heart didn't ever know,
until it knew this.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Looking out on the World

Questions I often ask myself ...by April Gerard

Why do we clip our wings?
What makes us think we're not worth it?
Why do so many believe love is never given freely?
Why do so many love with expectations of love being returned?
why is it so hard for others to understand friendship or to be a friend?
Do people really think its odd of me to think more of others than myself?
Why is seeing the potential in others often seen as being naive?
Since when was it ever ok to shelve our dreams?
Since when was it ok to make our kids stop imagining things?
Why is it so hard for people to understand things?
If we're all the same inside, why can't we see that on the outside?
What if everyone understood how much their own hands could really make a difference for everyone?
Why don't more people use caution when trusting how they feel with someone else?
How come we often don't realize how much we impact others, either for their good or detriment?
What if we changed how we saw ourselves?
How come its so hard for people to be alone?
Why do people believe so little in themselves?
Shouldn't more of us discover the feeling of "wonder" more often?
wouldn't we discover more about life if we stopped trying to control so much of it?
Why is it so important to some to control others?
why not just let go and let live?
What if more people actually believed that being "Human" is a beautiful thing?
I wonder if I'm not the only one who loves the enigmatic feeling that staring at stars often evokes in me?
What makes it so hard to tell how we feel?

I'm always thinking, always observing and wondering these sort of things. I often struggle with some of these very things- knowing I love the world and love the potential there is within each of us, and yet I get so frustrated or hurt at not knowing how to help others see the same wonder and awe I see in each of us.  And then again, why is it so important to me that others do see that same wonder and awe in themselves?  Funny how we often try to make others see our point of view.  I guess I'm thinking alot today.  Mostly thinking of a few friends I haven't talked to in awhile. Miss them and the conversations we would have, often revolving around this sort of questioning and pondering..

But, these are just my questions, some self-reflective and some not. Still, isn't it a grand thing to know that we will always have questions about things?  Means that we will always be searching for answers and trying to learn- and that brings growth within, even without our knowing it sometimes.

 So what are your questions?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Untitled

Tired.
Strained.
Tears hidden,
in the mid of night.
Never giving up,
because I don't know how.
Always believing that the days ahead,
will be better than the days that have gone.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Quick Update

I have the best and most wonderful news I've ever recieved in my life!  The doctors are very surprised, as they were 99.9% sure my daughter had cancer, the biopsy revealed that she has Hystiocytosis- a bone disease that is not cancer!  The confounding thing to the doctors is how the Hystiocytosis is acting. All of her scans show it is acting more like an aggressive cancer would.  Because of this, She will still have to have chemotherapy for the next year to manage the disease, but it is not as life threatening as Ewing's Sarcoma would've been.  I'm very greatful for all the prayers and encouragement from everyone around the world!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hope's Story

I really wasn't sure whether or not to post this.  But, I'm feeling like we could use all the support we can get. This past week has proven to be one of the most challenging weeks I've ever had- as a parent.

Eleven years ago, my firstborn was born at 31 weeks. I had been on bedrest for nearly 3 months. She was a tiny four pounds, eleven ounces.  She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen.  I named her Hope- because it took so much faith and listening to doctors at the time to even get her safely into this world.

 I've just recently learned from the doctors that she will have the biggest battle she's ever had to face coming up.  They've diagnosed her with cancer.  When the biopsy results come back, they're pretty sure it will confirm it is Ewing's Sarcoma- an aggressive bone cancer.  Chemo therapy will start this week. 


My daughter, Hope, on the left. One of her best friends, Bri (Triana's daughter), on the right.
They love to play dress up and pose.
 All I'm asking is that everyone who reads this to pray or keep positive thoughts in your minds about her health and well being. She is a strong little girl and I know she can overcome this.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Penny for My Thoughts

Me, sizing up the "Snow Mountain" last year in Goshen/Elkhart, In.
picture taken and owned by Triana Evans.




Penny for My Thoughts by April Gerard

There's something about following
what you always felt you should do with yourself,
that brings out a confidence thats hard for others to shake off. 

If I had a penny for all the times I said to myself,
"I'm gonna do these things; these things I've set out to do",
I'd have already made myself a millionaire.

It takes a certain courage to do what others deem crazy, irrational, 
or what some even call irresponsible.  Don't give up.

Don't you give up! You keep your faith solid
and your mind on the road ahead of you.

just 'cause you got to keep telling yourself
day in and day out where your going-
don't you dare try to take the easy way, you hear me?

Don't let others make your destiny for you. 
Dream Catching is not an easy road,
but it's the One road more people should travel.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Music of Wayne Starks

Photo is of Wayne Starks and is his property.  All rights are reserved.

I want to take a post here to divert a little from the poetry series I've started (which I will resume in a few days) and give you all a rundown of my good friend, Wayne Starks, newly released music.  His new single releases entitled "Believe" and "Ruler" are available now on Itunes, with his debut album scheduled to be released in 2011.

I know I've stated on here on many occasions that I love all kinds of music.  Doesn't matter what genre- I will usually listen to it all, as long as it is emotive, intrumentally well put together, or has extremely well written lyrics.  Sometimes simple is best, sometimes the complexities speak volumes about our views and feelings about the world in which we live.  Music, all forms of it, is what I consider to be the worlds greatest accomplishment. It is essentially the common ground that we all have.  It builds bridges along paths that have long been broken down by religious views, cultural barriers, political agendas, etc. etc. Music is our universal language used to convey our emotions, thoughts, and ideas around the world.

That said, Wayne's voice and the way he uses it, makes me believe that he is going to be a powerhouse phenomenon and will reach many ears with an astounding presence.  I have first hand seen his performances, the way he connects to his audiences and conveys his emotions so purely it catches your attention.  It makes you say, "Woah, this Guy's got some talent."  And believe it or not, he's as genuine in personality as he comes across in his music.  He doesn't just sing and hit the notes, he makes you feel what he's feeling in the moment- which as a performer, is an important aspect to developing a fan base.  They have to love not only your voice, but you, the artist, as well when you sing in this area of music.

"Believe" is the most powerful and positve message anthem for perserverance I've heard in a long time. The first lines "Why do you listen to all the negativity around you. With all the positive feedback, why is that what you choose? Why?"  Caught my attention completely!  How many of us have related to circumstances that led us to ask that very question, either of ourselves or of others?  And the instumentation is skillfully put together to make the listener feel "very good" as they listen to this song.  All of it- the choice of instruments used, the vocals, the rythm and the use of spoken dramatics in the background makes this song appealing to both the old and young alike.  This song is the universal voice of hope to a world who sometimes forgets what hope feels like that says, "Keep going and Believe."

Taking a look at Wayne's other single release, "Ruler", one can see that it very adeptly caters to his voices strengths and give the listener a very good glimpse of what they can expect to come from his vocal range in the future. It has a healing quality (as Ajey, from the Goods are Odd but the Odds are Good has also pointed out) to it.  There is a soothing and graceful appeal to it.  Even if the lyrics message doesn't appeal to you, you can't help but feel how really extrodinarily beautiful Wayne's voice is and how flexible it can be in the varying ranges he is able to maintain.  These ranges are a pleasant surprise to any listener. I know I was completely surprised  when I first heard him sing in person at our church, Summit Church

So give him a listen, see for yourself, and share it with those you know who might also appreciate it.  But, believe me, Wayne's talent as a muscian has staying power because he's genuine and honest with his voice.  A rarity these days with so many new artists out there who have voice range but no depth for emotional pull or stage presence.




Other Reviews of Wayne and What the World is saying about his beautiful music:











Saturday, November 20, 2010

Metamorphasis


Photo art taken, edited, and owned by Me, April L. Gerard.

Metamorphasis by April L. Gerard

Growing inside,
you're learning- same as me.
Taking more than you thought,
but changing in that same breath of time.

You thought to stop..and pause,
to see the steps you've taken
and the harm that comes.
Not all of that harm came from you,
did you know?

Wrapped in a cocoon of hurt,
not sure where to go from here,
still you keep yourself protected-
even if it tears you apart inside.

But my friend, I see what's coming,
what will soon shine from you
and those wings of yours will be
the most gorgeous I've ever seen.




Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Silhouettes of Shaded Dreams

I'm a bit late, by a day, in starting the next poetry series of mine.  I'm daring myself to write a little more openly and hopefully more passionately.  Maybe I'll succeed, maybe not- the one thing I want to note is that originally my intentions with this blog was to explore my own thoughts and ideas and to always give something positive back to the world.  I can't promise that these next poems won't be emotional or have tinges of hurt, pain, or even anger. They are based on my own feelings and those I've heard expressed from others about situations or circumstances that they've dealt with. It is my hope that these next series, while they may explore our darker thoughts and fears we sometimes have, that they will at least have a hue of something that everyone can relate to at one time or another in their lives.  I sometimes think we shut our emotional self away from others because it is hard to believe that someone else might understand it or even know how these things truly feel to us on the inside.  Emotions are quite frankly one of the most intimate parts of ourselves and it is often very hard to share them without an element of trust in place.

Please enjoy and have a wonderful week!  I'll try to return in the next few days or so with more poetry and thoughts to share :)




Photo taken and owned by me, April Gerard.


Silhouettes of Shaded Dreams by April Gerard

Marks of scars,
still unseen.
Water does not wash these,
Nor do the tears bring ease.

Yet light still shines in.
Giving up does not resound here.
Stars are best seen just before dawn,
in the darkest of Night's hour.

The unseen heart,
gripped in concealment,
pain, ignored in silent screams.
Echos of past gone by.

Yet dreams still exist,
dreams still come alive,
wonder is still evident in the world.
Dreams become colored with passion.

Hope does not wane,
Love does not leave,
even when the road of scars
beats down on the soul so heavily.

Born are visions of what could be
instead of what has been,
Challenges have shaped these,
these are the silhouettes of Shaded Dreams.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The next series of poems

I have had a very busy, but productive weekend.  I know that this year, I haven't posted nearly as much of my poetry, thoughts, or short stories has I had the previous year, but I do intend to write more often again soon.

Please be patient with me, there are many poems that I want to share with you all as I find the time to post them.  But for now, I need some rest and some time to think to myself tonight.  I hope all is well with everyone and I hope to post my next series of poems starting on this coming Tuesday evening, as long as everything goes well between now and then ;)

Take care everyone and have a wonderful week!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Where My Thoughts Take Me

I just finished watching the movie "The Ultimate Gift"  on my laptop.  I don't have a tv, so I make do with the laptop when I decide to sit down and actually watch a movie (which isn't very often).  I needed a diversion from thinking on the events that have been happening in my life. 

So much has happened in the last month or so.

 The list of trials and personal tears shed are numerous. I even have an unpublished draft post on here that spells out a long night of prayer and tears that I had for myself a few weeks back.. but, these things are teaching me some things that I hadn't understood quite as well as I thought I had.  It is quite amazing to me right now, but even though alot of this stuff I've been experiencing has been really difficult- it has also been worth the experience.  Not sure how to explain that exactly, but its been like opening the jar of fireflies and taking a closer look at what makes us (or myself as an example) light up, what makes the world shine? We are the what makes up the world, are we not? 

In my way of thinking, the jar is representative of us on an individual scale, and the fireflies representative of all the "lights" that could possibly be inside one person.  All the dreams, all the things we could accomplish... it all seems so real to me all of a sudden.  I've always believed in my own dreams and my ability to make them a reality- but somehow, right this very moment, I'm feeling a strong sense of conviction.  I'm not trying to make them happen anymore, they're already there and I'm just walking the steps neccessary to get to them.

I'm used to "going thru" things, so the idea of letting them stop me from going to where I intend to go with these dreams of mine, seems really absurd.  I'm re-discovering a concept I learned early on as a child- that whatever we go through might be difficult, but the challenge of learning to walk through those trials makes us more than just stronger on the inside- it also shapes our confidence, our abilities and skills needed to obtain our goals, and perhaps more importantly it shapes our hearts.  It makes us better humans, better people.

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen is a person with a heart that wants to be more than they can imagine, and they believe their heart when it says the impossible is always possible. I am sitting here right now thinking how blessed I am to know several wonderful human beings who are this way.  I am also chuckling to myself as I write this knowing that each one of them would shake their head at me and say I need to re-examine what I think I know about them.  They can disagree all they want, I know what it is I see in each of them.  Someday, the world will see it too.

I guess what I'm saying is this:

We are meant to dream and we are all meant to share with the world what beautiful dreams we have inside of us.  This, this is where my thoughts take me...

Have a wonderful week everyone! 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

To Ease My Soul

My hand holding a teacup rose. Photo owned byTriana Evans



To Ease My Soul by April Gerard

A Black Piano,
those lovely keys.
they somehow bring
a solace to me.


A microphone and
a lone room to give
my soul's music room to flow.

Like water.
it pours out from me.
a spring from within,
I let myself be free.

It takes the rythym of my heart,
my emotions that run deep.

Every secret thing I wish,
every hurt I choose to  forget
is told here, in these tunes of mine.
I know not the answer.
not the answer to anything,
but I play.

Play because I want to,
because I need to.

I sing to ease my soul
of its pains, to remind it of its joys,
and
that I will not always feel this way.

This, this is what
I need today.


but I have no piano,
no room with a stage
or microphone to use.

So instead, I choose to play
the melodies right here,
Right here..in my head.

To ease my soul; to feed it bread.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Papers Filled


Photo taken from
http://www.psdrockstar.com

Papers Filled by April L.Gerard


There are paper notes here,
words written,
never shared,
that say so much more
than I ever really say out loud.

papers filled,
edges blurred.
Ink. Just ink.

I hear melodies in my head
when the words seem more like song,

I hear the sounds of others voices,
when the words are things I want them to hear.

papers filled,
Ink. Just ink...

yet, the substance
the feel of it,
the tones and textures-
is so much more.

These matter to me,
people matter to me.
So much really does matter to me,

There are papers here,
filled with goals and dreams.
Filled with what I see in you
What I see in me.

its not just Ink.
Not. Just. Ink.

Its all.
Its Everything,
all the beautiful things
that are within you.
Within me.

it runs the ink dry,
blurs the edges...

These words
they say so much more
than I know how to say,
about the beauty of
what it means to be
as human as we.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tangled Shades



Tangled Shades  by April Gerard

Lines of invisibilities drawn,
what is Right? What is Wrong?

I've heard it said,"Its plain as day, either Black or White"
and I think to myself,
no. No its not.

The world was not based on either or's.
The world is vastly much more.
Sometimes it's both,
sometimes it's neither.

Sometimes grass is not quite green,
and the sky is often more than blue.
Primary colors,as we are taught,
are the base- but not the end result.

Reds, yellows, and blues
become tangled mosaics.
Beautiful and unique,
Shades of grey exist
All photos on this post are
the property and work of my
good friend, Joel Steiner,
Family Services Director
of St. Joeseph County
Habitat for Humanity.
even in nature.

A light may reach and touch,
but in tones, in measures different
than others.

We are not simply lines drawn
with no depth.

We are colored with
shades of Beauty,
shades of Life,
Shades of Love.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Soul's Light


picture taken and owned by my mother, Sheila Nulf.
A Soul's Light by April Gerard

Uniqueness definitive
of brilliant subtleties.
An uncommoness found
in everyday commons.
Newness yet generations aged.
Wisdom within,
Wonder without.
Ache of possibilities;
half cocked smile
as thoughts of what shines
comes in.
People are beautiful,
our Souls are beautiful.
There is so much to us,
so much.
It could illuminate
the world...


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A simple design, but new look..

First off, Thank you Ajey for helping to redo the header that I have on here..it truly looks amazing!

I hope that all is well with all of my fellow bloggers/readers across the globe. For myself, I have recently been having some health challenges- but not anything that I can't overcome. I am taking the advice of my doctor and trying to work in more rest and less stress. Overall though, other than being a bit tired every now and then, I'm doing good and will continue to get better everyday. I gotta tell you though, I really don't know how to function well when I force myself to do less instead of more...hmm. Still working on that.

In other news:
As many of you can see, I've managed to learn how to change the look of my blog!  Though the background is for the most part a very simple design, it is a clean and fresh look.  And best of all, I managed to figure out how to do it all by myself (with a little help here and there lol)- including how to backup my blog so that should I need to restore it to what I had before-I could. Also the back up means that I now have a hard copy of all these posts- both the ones published and the ones still in draft form safely copied for future use.   Yeaaaay!

I can figure out this technology stuff...lol ;)  There are still a few fixes I need to do- especially about the previous videos I've posted... but I'm getting there. 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!  I know mine is bringing with it some challenges, but I think for the most part I'm ok with that.  It seems I'm learning how to dance- even in the rain, as our dear friend Diane is often apt to say!

and I'm in the mood for a little Sister Hazel music...so here is one of my favorite songs by them its called "Change your Mind", it helps to remind me that all i need to do is to change my attitude when I'm having a frustrating day...:

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Where I Want To Be

I have been on a remarkable journey these last few years of self discovery, self reflection, self forgiveness, self love, and most importantly the forgiveness and love of others..despite anything said or done to my own harm.  I had not realized that these were the things I've been searching for, longing for in my life.  I am finding that as I grow as a human being, I am becoming a better and more compassionate being.  Below is a poem I've recently written and a few quotes that I find to be extremely wise, insightful, and worth carrying in our pockets to remind us everyday of how we should carry ourselves....



Photo of my hands holding a daisy, taken and owned by Triana Evans.

Where I Want To Be   by April Gerard


My life is taking a new direction.
It's beautiful.
It's scary.
But I'm willing to walk it
because
it's better than where I've been.
It has all that I will ever need.
And, it makes use
of every talent
every dream.
Every seed of hope
that I've ever sown
and continue to sow
brings
Love of Life,
Forgiveness of others,
enduring Joys,
and peace of mind.
This road is where I want to be,
even with it's tears,
the lessons learned, and those
to be learned- This is where I want to be.



 "to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that that prisoner was you."- Lewis B. Smedes

"Life is easier than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable." - Kathleen Norris

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the universe; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of all that's within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson Mandela

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Believe



Me, last winter on a "snow mountain" in Elkhart, In. Photo owned and taken by Triana Evans.





BELIEVE    by April L. Gerard

Believe
In yourself,
your dreams,
in your ability to forgive others,
AND your ability to forgive yourself.

Believe
that mountains will not deter you
that friends can and do make a difference
that Love will find you and Love you anyway,
no matter who you are or what you have or haven't done.

You are beautiful and as you begin to trust that you can,
your heart will know a new feeling,

a new way of seeing the world.
Just Believe.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Finding Grace



Pictures owned and taken by Shadow (I couldn't chose between the two and you take wonderful photographs my dear friend!)


Finding Grace by April L. Gerard

Tears fell from my cheeks,
my eyelids did not wish to open as I weeped.
I never understood such pain of my heart,
so I ignored it in silence.
Silence of years.
Giving to fill up the emptiness.
Needing what could not be seen.
 I've come to see,
though it is a road I do not know,
I see now that
Grace somehow is finding me.
I don't know what to do with what I've found,
perhaps it will go, perhaps stay.
But
For now, the beautiful pain
of growing into a new dawn,
spreading out those precious wings,
that my friends,
That is worth every breath one takes. 




I do not know much about the guy this quote is from, but the quote itself is very powerful to me today. it is:


"Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it."- Yrjo Kallinen

Monday, September 27, 2010

A few thoughts and some music to share..

I wrote a poem today and I couldn't bring myself to post it on my blog. The fact that I wrote it for me was enough. I'm struggling between a few things in my head, but I know that whatever these challenges of mine may be- they are not strong enough to break me. They never were.  And to a friend, Thank you for the book recommendation...I've got lots of questions for you now. 

There are two very different songs that have been in my head as well, they are: "Crossfire" by Brandon Flowers and "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day.




Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Train of thoughts for the day...

I've got a lot on my mind..this post may ramble a bit..

Triana had a major accident, she fell from a cliff yesterday, but she is slowly on the mend. I never want to feel that feeling of loss as I did when I realized just how close a call it was. She's been my best friend for over 17 years...I couldn't fathom her not being here. I am soooooo thankful and grateful that she is still here with us and I know she is going to continue to be with us for a very long time on this earth :)

In other news: Good things have been happening lately, but it seems I've been thinking alot about how the past has or still does in some ways affect the present or the here and now of my decision making abilities.  I've been asked to write a series of words that describe me, but how do you describe yourself without revealing yourself?  But, I'm well aware that the excercise is meant to do just that...still, I hesitate on it.  But, I will do it as I promised I would.

I was also told (well the whole rehearsal group/posse at church was asked to do this) to look up and review old school music that had parts..or harmony. Music that you could hear the different backing of alto, soprano, or tenors.  I have been doing that and this music video was one of the last ones I watched...which made me a bit nostalgic and led to other thoughts....





...thoughts that leave you Remembering things, acknowledging things, realizing some things about yourself and about others.

My good friend Deborah said to me today on the phone something along the lines of "April, I'm feeling like great things are going to be happening for you. Its almost like your a butterfly who has finally given itself permission to leave the cocoon" - that made me glad that I've been following what my heart and head say they're in agreement on here lately.

But it doesn't mean I still don't battle myself and wonder about things sometimes.  In fact I recently had an interesting conversation with another friend of mine, who point blank said to me, "You're scary sometimes with how perceptive you are of others."  I am glad, however, that I'm not soooo scary that they don't talk to me anymore..but it does reveal alot to me about how others percieve me to be.

I think my brain is trying to fit these things into the grand scheme of things..organizing, analyzing, and quite frankly...wondering about so many things.

The most important thing though- is how incredibly strong my confidence and determination has become. These dreams of mine have become more to me than just dreams, they're my future, they're where I'm heading, where each step is taking me.  They are truly becoming real to me, tangible, attainable, and possible. 

I guess what I'm saying is that where ever it is I have been in life doesn't matter much anymore...hurts are hurts that sometimes leave scars, but its where I'm going that matters and what I intend to do with the talents given to me that matter most.  And I intend to make the most of it everyday I live.

That's alot of what I'm thinking right now, so I think its time to get a few other things done before I head to bed.  Been in Minnesota all week for a training for work and have to get up early to head to class in the morning...so I really ought to start thinking about sleep now :)

Have a wonderful night everyone!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Clips of Conversations and Inspiration

Different conversations teach you things, make you wiser, or make you want to improve your own self.  As a way of saying thank you to a few individuals, I've posted below clips of conversations I"ve had with others.  For me, as I think back on what either i have learned or what others have learned from me as a result of these conversations, this is what is inspiring. When we say the things we need to hear, encouraging and lifting one another up instead of bashing them down with our words- then we are truly being the friend, the lover, and the giver that the world needs.  I hope that these little clips inspire you each as well.

In Understanding the roads You've traveled:

"Isn't the What and the Why the same thing?"  I just shook my head and said, "No. One is effect and one is causal. You have to know and understand the cause before you really understand the effect. Likewise, the what and the why could be either the effect or the cause, its up to you to figure which one caused something or was the effect of something."

Taking advice when you'd rather not:

"now, read me and read this good, okay? April, you are a good person. you are charming, you are intelligent, and you are extremely talented. and the jump card- you are extremely caring.  When we penis-bearing individuals don't get enough liqour, dope, ciggys, women is what we want.  Your trump card is your biggest vulnerability. Stop being nice to everyone and anyone."

Learning that being nice also means telling the truth:
 
"I'll have you know though, I'm not really that nice. Like you,  I say it like it is."

"and how is that not nice? I did not say you are soft and mushy! I said you are nice! nice is being honest and all."

Finding Laughter with a best friend:

http://waitingbehindcloseddoors.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-i-i-iphone.html


Being there for a Friend:

"What's wrong?" 
 "heart hurts a bit." 
 "why is that?" 
"long story."
"I'm listening..err well reading that is :)"
"I don't want to put this shit on you, you have enough to worry about."
"Hey, I'm your friend remember?"
"I know, and that's why I can't"
 "Well, too bad, tell me anyway"

 "I'll call you in a bit."

 "Ok. I'll wait to hear from you then. Keep your chin up, you at least got someone willing to listen, though I can't fix anything."

 Being encouraged by a Friend when your world crumbles beneath your feet:

I think you are a very courageous and brave woman. The decisions and changes you have made couldn't have been easy, but made them you did, for you knew in the long run that they were and are the right ones. Now you have to go about re-building a 'new' life, and that will of course bring its share of ups and downs, and that horrid horrid self-doubts. Maybe the thing to do in those momentary dark moments, is to think back to the really bad times, the times you were ready to crumple up and sink away.That will surely push you through and give you the hope and determination to keep on going.

Giving advice to a friend:

"Just because you may have made mistakes that hurt another person, does not give that person the right to break you and your spirit just because they can."


And being open enough to listen when someone else speaks:

 http://www.summitministriesinternational.com/index2.php


Thank you to everyone for the inspiration. Here is a song I love by Micheal Franti !!!!! Enjoy Everyone!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Memories and Whispers

The above picture is of my Stepdad and my oldest Daughter, Hope, when she was 3 months old I think. It was taken several years before he passed away.


Memories and Whispers by April Gerard

I remember you.
Challenging me...
changing me.


Showing me a good man.
with faults, but still a good man.
Showing me humanness and kindness.

Showing that mistakes do not always
say a person is a failure, that men
can be and often are just as human as me.

I listen to a song called Almost Home,
that describes you to me.
and I smile.

No feat was too big
to tackle,
 No word could undo
what you set out to do;
set out to be.

Nothing was empty
in the dreams you
said..to just try..


nevermind the No's
the incomprehension from others,
or the roads you've traveled in life before today.

Don't worry so much what others think April.

They're your dreams,
it's your Life...
Live it.  Live it! you'd say.

Yes, I remember you in memories
and in whispers that will never go away.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

to be Healed

For six individuals who have made an impact on my life-  because as your friend, I could never think less of you for anything you've ever done or ever would do.


I have been thinking alot about different people I know personally from all across the globe. This post may get lengthy and may ramble on, but I want to share these thoughts I'm having so here goes..

I have had several of my close friends share with me some intimate details of their lives. things that make a person wiser,and makes me appreciate people for who they are, not who I could envision them to be.

I have a few friends who have been hurt so deeply, that they wishe to not take part in the world anymore, still live yes, but interact with others..no.  the assumptions that are often made by the rest of us about what they do or don't know about life are what leave them wandering the earth, more content alone than with others.  Its sad, so sad that we say things thinking that our own thinking must surely be right.  Since when did we as humans become more than humans? 

You know, a 21 year old Man once said this when I asked what they knew of Life and Love, "It is such a thing that is frail, yet caught in the grasp of a collection of burs---wild and stoic like dreams often are. It is such a thing that demands blood, yet beckons rejuvenation in the same breath. I suppose love and life are counter opposites for some people. Ah! Breathe in the air and never be afraid of the future; we die so quickly April.



We die terribly fast."

It doesn't matter a persons age, young or old; it doesnt matter what their addictions are or aren't; doesn't matter what we think we know about someone else just by observing their habits. Understanding is something very few really "understand".

I have another friend of mine who once led people to understand and love their faith. He no longer leads or follows that passion of his because of his experiences with the world. I wish somehow I could give that love of following his faith back to him.

 Another friend struggles with committments, another struggles with breathing and still giving, another struggles with peoples assumptions and perceptions...all of them love the world despite the world failing to love them. They are the most beautiful people I know.  Broken individuals yes. But beautiful, beautiful souls.

If I had one thing to say to these beautiful people I know and others who have walked in similiar shoes..its this:

 Sometimes you have to forgive that the world doesn't understand, that they don't know the hurt that their own words would cause.  We all make mistakes, but that is because we are all human. Drugs of choice may be our addictions....but never forget addictions are never stronger than we are for our faith is innate, a gift given to us by a higher power. 

Forgive yourself.
Love yourself
and live.

Here are two videos that speak of what's on my mind and what I hear from these precious friends of mine. The album, The Sound of Madness, by Shinedown has put together these concepts, these maddening things we do to one another...it is my hope that we as collective individuals learn to love without neccessarily understanding or changing someone else to suit our own views...just love them for who they are because you really don't know how much they care about you..the world.





Tuesday, August 31, 2010

of Dreams


Picture contributed by Shadow, blog author of 1 door away from Heaven, and one of my best friends through blogger. All rights to this image are hers.



 of Dreams by April L. Gerard

This,
This is what I've dreamed for so long.
There is a story here,
untold,
unheard,
outside of the periphery
of possiblities thought up
by commonness.
By comforts clung to.
But I dream,
I dream of this,
this tranquil sea.
These moments
of my impossibilites
becoming possible;
of Dreams
made of these.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Cracked open


Image by Dreamofsandman from Deviantart,edited by Ajey Padival




Cracked Open By April Gerard

A peak,
a bit of light shines
through the crack
in the door.

A barrenness here..

Not supposed to
be able to see it.

Frustrations
bottled emptiness.

Let them out!
But how can things be let out,
when its all just empty anyway?

Something..
something's changed

possibilities,
hope?  Don't know.

The crack,
it shouldn't be there,
the wall should've held steady.

Yet,
the pictures..
they look different now.

Somethings changed.
some things change.

Fears?  Don't know.

But there's a crack
where there wasn't one before...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

These are Mine



Photo art created and contributed by Ajey Padival, any and all rights of this image are his and is used with his permission.

These are Mine by April L.Gerard

Breathe.
Isn't it beautiful? 
hands to do what good can be sown,
these..these are mine.

Air pulled in deep,
a sense of life..of living.
Excitement at what these hands are doing,

yes..

these..these are mine.
I think with a satisfied smile..these are mine.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Catching Dreams

I've been in a mood of sorts lately.  Lots of stressers and ups and downs, but they are good for me. Helping me understand what and where I really want to go. Its all reaffirming for me that the goals I'm working towards are the ones I need to do and can do in this life.  I'm just keeping on moving forward with all these dreams I've got, even the ones that I'm not sure I can do somedays when I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything. It seems there are connections and networks being placed in front of me...not to mention certain signs in life that are reminding me of just exactly what it is I'm good at and can do, if I just let myself.  So that is what I've been working on. 

My book is progressing, slowly but it is getting there.  I've joined an art group, which is one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time.  It helping to open up the creative block that I felt I was having for awhile. I've also been going to karoake with Triana, trying to get myself used to singing again in front of people. So far, so good.  though I'm going to need more practice at it than just karoake..but I'm working on that as well.

anyways, I realize I'm just rambling on here, but I just wanted to say to everyone what I always say: keep chasing those dreams till you catch them and make them real enough that you can look back and say, "I did that." 

Here is a song that I've been listening to lately that I'm really liking and while it doesn't exactly fit my theme here of catching dreams, it does sort of describe my up and down mood that I've been in as of late...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Lost







Lost by April Gerard
written on 6-8-2010


Trembles
these hesitations,
finding
the way
it moves.

Truthful
yet obligations,
seep
the tone
infused.

Terrified
remnants open,
taken
the voice
of muse.

Turned
many directions,
lost
the sound
of you.

Tallied
youth generations,
told
the lost
anew.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Say Goodbye to Loves



To Say Goodbye to Loves by April L. Gerard

Say it, I say to myself.
Just say it.

As a slow smile
crosses my face,
And wistful tears
down my cheeks I taste.

Remember hop scotch,
jump rope, and letters
with x's and o's?

feelings remembered..
How did they come and go?
Yesterdays and Tomorrows,

Gone.

The you I found and lost,
the me I saw and let go.

Say it, but I just can't say it.

holding on to the words,
the inflections, the tones.

the fairy tale of simpleness,
of swing sets, and monkey bars.

Of hand holding and fast cars.

Innocence wrapped up
in the shiny packages
of grown up senses.

Evenings without lonely.

Reaching, longing
for that not too distant past.

Saying "Red Rover" or "Tag, your it"
in letters sent, freely given
in a teasing smile...

a smile of my heaven,
that never existed yet.
all of it, all these things
have me.

My fingers ache
for the touch of piano keys,
a lone room and microphone
to sing along to my heart's
misery.

as I used to do years ago.
Just to help myself to let it go.

To say Goodbye to Loves
and hope like hell it comes back one day.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Color of Midnight Rain

**Many thanks to my brother in law for his unexpected play on words as he described the color of Blue to my eldest daughter. His phrase"Color of Midnight Rain" reminded me of some other things in life and hence, it sparked this poem to life a few weeks ago.**

 photo below taken from this site: Desktop Nexus

Color of Midnight Rain by April Gerard written on 7-5-2010

The mood,
the sway,
the cast of Virgin blue.

It speaks of you,
like the color of midnight rain.

A tie,
knotted rope,
Anchored deep in emotion


A ship rocked,
with hardened waves,
unable to move from the storm.

It feels of you,
this mood colored of midnight rains.