Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Heaviness of Heart



I'm feeling really heavy today. Life is always full of tears, and I always pick myself up somehow and I move on. A really good friend of mine who I hope is always a part of my life says to me all the time that I have an inner strength rarely seen in others...I hope he's right. This is for you my dear A.M., I know you'll understand my melancholy today. I promise the rest of you, I won't always be this down, just let me get it out on paper..it helps me sometimes. And when its all said and done, I'll share what's going on, but right now- its just best not to.

Heaviness of Heart

These tears,
they always fall,
yet I still hold onto hope,
that it won't always be
this way.
Somehow I wish,
that lessons and education
weren't neccessary.
I want to breathe,
to feel free enough
to let my hair down and lean
on a shoulder.
But there is never a shoulder
for me, and I find that hard,
some days.
Still, I give my friendship
and my time to those
who need a shoulder to lean
on for themselves,
so they can pick up and walk on
and live life as it was meant to be.
I'll survive, I always do,
but sometimes...just sometimes,
I want to be able to share me
with another.
But it never happens,
and it makes me feel unworthy somehow,
even though I like myself,
the way I am- but I just
don't understand why,
why don't others want the me in me?
Its ironic to me,
the things people think
I should be able to do,
I'm just as human as the rest
of the world.
Not perfect, but still real.
I've been called a Martyr,
an angel, a good person, and a friend
but never have I believed-
Because of things certain others
have said and done.
And yet, I know
that I shouldn't let these
affect me so. But sometimes,
its not so easy to ignore.
Sometimes you trust and love,
when maybe you shouldn't.
Today was hard and it will get harder,
of that I know for sure.
But these tears of mine,
this too shall pass- as my blogger friend
has been kind to remind.
I think I'll look for some sunshine today,
I'm sure there's some somewhere,
here inside me...I just have to find it.

6 comments:

~Ellie Kings~ said...

I guess we're on the same wave length today. I hope your heart gets light soon. Love the song! hugs

Brosreview said...

Ah April! So much emotions, so many sentiments! Really really heavy! I believe all will turn well! I know they will! Hang in there!

Shadow said...

the tide must turn. it's a law of nature. hugs and love to you in this time...

dianne said...

April dear, I hope that all will turn out well for you, sometimes there is no-one to turn to and sometimes some hurt that we feel cannot be shared...we just have to find the strength within ourselves
to make it better, I hope you find that sunshine... xo ♥

Aren O. Týr said...

April, the only extremely small and grossly inadequate consolation I can provide is that I know exactly how you feel, and indeed am in a similar type of place...

Life can be such a grind, and particularly when you have no one at all but yourself to depend on, when you have to be your own entire source of motivation; when you have to do absolutely every single thing yourself. I say this in terms of the most pragmatic, mundane day to day aspects of living.

We have no option but to just keep on going as best we can.

findingmywingsinlife said...

Ellie Kings,
Perhaps we are on the same wavelength, and if so- I do hope things start to look up for you. I know well how easy it is to let feelings of hurt drag you down. Keep your chin up!

Brosreview,
Yes, it is very heavy, but it was neccessary for me to get it out and see for myself what I've kept inside for too long. I think you know what I mean.

You and Annie are wonderful people to know. Thank you for your encouragements and friendship, as you say- all will turn out well and I know good things will come for you and Annie as well :)

Shadow,
Yes, the tide always turns- it does not like to stay in a constant sameness, there is always something different that washes ashore with each wave that meets the sand. If I haven't said so before, I truly truly value your comments and friendship! Thank you Shadow.

Dianne,
You understand well the sentiments here, I too hope that you find your ray of sunshine as well :)

Aren,
Its not inadequate, I appreciate your comments. We all come to this place at some point in our lives don't we? And your right- sometimes there is no one there except yourself to hold you up. But you have to admit, even with all its downs, all its aloneness, or inevitable feelings of despair or pain- Life is still beautiful and still worth living.
I do hope things get better for you over there Aren. And thank you for your kind words.