Saturday, October 31, 2009

It Was Her 10th Birthday yesterday..

But we celebrated today, since we had all the Halloween stuff going on yesterday. I couldn't get the birthday picks uploaded onto the laptop, so here are some random pics taken over the last year. The first one is with Triana's oldest daughter- they get along quite well, which Triana and I find hilarious and ironic at the same time (considering our longstanding friendship). We both agree that our girls have one thing we didn't- they've practically grown up together.





Don't know what I would have done without her all these years. Isn't she beautiful?
My beautiful daughter,
I have loved you from the moment
I came to know you were
going to be
a
part of my life.
May you grow into a strong,
wise and loving soul.
May you always find it in your heart
to show others your compassion,
while holding true
to all that makes you
You.

Blindness

Sometimes, I just don't know.

and I'm ok with not knowing things-at least when it comes to being there for someone and not knowing exactly what it is that's got them down.

For instance right now I have a friend who is struggling with a certain life situation and for right now they've only shared with me the surface details, a hint here and there that something isn't quite right in their life. They've put up a certain wall of defense over the years (one I'm all too familiar with as I still have the wall of "bubble space" issues) and because of that, they've never learned to trust and lean on someone for support when they need it (at least I'm fairly sure that's the case here, but I don't want to assume that that is the absolute case).


So, as a friend, I offer my support even though I'm "blind" to the situation.


What I guess I'm saying is that while I really don't know what the issue is, it doesn't really matter- I'm still going to offer my hand of friendship, a hug if they need it, and a listening ear/shoulder to lean on should they decide to take it.

Friday, October 30, 2009

By Chance: A poem by me

By Chance

Tender endearing opulence
a thought unthought before reaching
out to test the time of ages,
undividing the divide between
two souls who meet in chance,
the chance so fleeting, yet permanent
in its stain.

Ripples of faded lithe once held in the branch
of time, seldom seen in eyes unyielding
to the birth of fate discarded while destiny
began its trek to be born when happenstance
laid its hand on the very shoulders
of stubborn streaks and Independence
that once marked freedom,
you thought to be in your hands.

A road traveled and so little worn
from feet never having touched its ground,
yet the familiar draw beckons you
its a path you knew, have seen before
and breath in its smell of comforts,
like a home that somehow got lost in transcendence
and fell outside of your periphery vision that held
goals and dreams to be had at your perseverance.

Bending time in shape and sound,
a view that askew with unanswered questions
and belies the thought of finite definitions
that seek to lay its claim on naming life,
a bend of thought perhaps to be pondered,
but...

"Chance has its hands on your Time."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

My Wants to Give

this is sort of a lullaby/bluesy/jazz sort of song in my head that I've been writing and singing to myself the past couple of days. Hope you like it.

My Wants to Give

shifting sounds in my head,
wondering where things are.
I want to tell you and say please
take my hand, hold it close
allow me to wipe your tears
when they start to fall.

words are empty with no meaning
when a soul needs more to grow
I want to tell you and say please
take my love,hold it close
allow me to ease your fears
should they break your wall.

I've never enough ways to say
what all there is here in my head.
I want to tell you and say please
take my all, hold it close
and know I am always here
everytime, everytime you call

For me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wonder of Life

Life never ceases to amaze me.

There is always something to learn, to do, to understand, to see in different ways. Even the hard parts of life offer something worthwhile to help shape your character, your will, your dreams. It still amazes me, after all I've seen in life that's clearly not been good by anyone's standards- I still find it beautiful.

Just wanted to share that thought tonight.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My One Line To Say It All

Hoping.Wishing.Dreaming.Writing.Thinking.Working.Crying.Trying. and a few prayers in between. That's how I've felt today. I'm going to share a comic I drew way back when. I've posted it before, but its a good reminder for me today and it is a bit humorous, which we all need a little bit of every now and then. So Here it is:








Monday, October 26, 2009

Will You Walk With Me?

You wouldn't believe how much better I feel today!

Below, is another poem of sorts. A conversation of my thoughts relayed to each of you. Hope you each had a wonderful start to your week!

Will You Walk With Me?

My mind has been wandering,
it seems for days,
lost in thoughts and ponderings of late
that bring me to wonder what is fate?

I've been thinking of two roads,
choices laid in front of me,
a third choice exists still and I've
promised only that one I know I'll travel.

Yes, I've one goal in mind to reach at all costs.

But, the other ones- tentative strings,
hopeful wishes within me.
That third is more possible, but most
wouldn't see it that way, most wouldn't understand.

They would say how could the farthest,
the most outlandish desire of dreams-
how could that...? How could that
be the most feasible feat?

And I would say,

Because it is the only one that depends
only on what decision I make, on what actions I take.
The others? Well, those take other decisions outside of me
To determine the shape those paths might take.

You see,

I'm walking a road that leads to my dreams,
a road few others see, or at least not the way I do.
I'm praying others join this road I travel
and reach unfullfilled dreams- their legacy.

With all my soul, I hope they do. I really hope they do.

But I cannot help others walk it,
they must learn to use their own two feet.
So my dear friends are you planning your steps?
Are you chasing your dreams?

Tell me, will you walk with me?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Perceptions

I'm starting to feel a little bit better today. I definitely was not up to par this weekend. I spent alot of time just vegetating around the house (as much as anyone with kids running around can anyway.) So, here I am, feeling a bit better and making a post. I'm in a bit of a thinking mood, so pardon me if I end up not making any sense throughout this post. I tend to "think out loud" or in this case, "write out loud".

I've been thinking alot on perception. How we each see things differently and interpret things differently. I've also been giving a lot of thought to the idea that we each have just a few handful of people that we try our very hardest to help them see things from our point of view. These are the ones who mean the most to us, the ones we want to share every bit of ourselves with- both the good and the bad, and everything in between. The problem is we can't ever see every angle that someone might be looking at the same idea or concept with.

You know its sort of confusing but I often wonder if the perception another may have of you isn't what you think they see and instead they see what you're saying but not in the same way you'd have thought. And to top it all off, we never really see each other until we stop looking at each other through our own perceptions and start to wonder what theirs might be...

If I've thoroughly confused you, well I apologize for that, my thinking does sometimes get that way :)

I suppose I could go a multitude of different ways with these thoughts of mine, but I know I've a long week, well month really, of traveling and what nots for work so I'll leave this go for now and try to get some rest.

Hope you all had a good weekend and lets hope that tomorrow isn't a bad Monday!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

An Award...

The Dear Diane over at Here is My Heart has graciously given me a mention and offered up this award:




Of, course, there is also a one word answer meme attached to it, so here goes:

Where is your cell phone? pocket

Your hair? brown

Your mother? crazy
Your father? jailed

Your favorite food? pasta
Your dream last night? friends
Your favorite drink? milk
Your dream/goal? writer
What room are you in? office
Your hobby? writing
Your Fear? fear

Where do you want to be in 6 years? dreams
Where were you last night? home

Something that you aren’t? Tall

Muffins? blueberry
Wish list item? freedom
Where did you grow up? Indiana
Last thing you did? driving
What are you wearing? Jeans
Your TV? hate

Your pets? none
Friends? few
Your life? mess
Your mood? tired
Missing someone? always

Vehicle? van
Something you’re not wearing? jewelry
Your favorite store? ugh.
Your favorite color? Blue.
When was the last time you laughed? Today.
Last time you cried? lastnight.
Your best friend? Triana
One place that I go to over and over? work

One person who emails me regularly? T, D, & A. :) My three best friends.
Favorite place to eat? all kinds.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The World's Greatest Achievement

I don't feel well tonight, so my apologies- but I'll make this short.

I did want to share a thought I had about Music. I love music in all its varied forms and in a phone conversation today with a friend I stated that "music is short stories wrapped up in sounds." And that my dear friends is what makes music so damn good. It is, in my opinion, the world's greatest achievement.

Take care everyone. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Words of Wisdom from other Bloggers

Its been a very long day, 12 hours straight of working. So I'll leave you all with just a few blogger quote's I found on a few of our fellow bloggers' pages:

"Sometimes, truth can be found in the *margins*. "- Kris at This Will Hurt Me

"Shelve your indifference."- Je Maverick at Poetry, Love Poems, and Fun

"My butterfly friend returned yesterday and I chased her around the yard as she flew from flower to flower"- Marion at Dragonfly's Poetry and Prolixity

"With the heartache and pains of life I have let way to much stuff get in the way of my dreams"- God's Child at Expanding My Wings (don't worry my friend, I didn't put your name here, so no worries about that)

"Sometimes, there really is no translation."- Bee at The Desk of Bee Drunken

"Consumed but not devoured....Penniless but never poor" The Write Girl at Write In Motion

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Needle of Hope: Another Short Story

I did have a wonderful time out tonight, listening to the very talented and smooth songs of Nathan Holley. Below is another fictional short story I've been working on for the past few days. Hope you enjoy it. It does deal with some hard things in life, but like most of my stories- there is hope to be found. Have a lovely evening guys and enjoy the read!

Needle of Hope

He braced himself against the dark of the concrete wall, crouched down with his legs slightly apart and his head hanging in between them with his hands on top as if to cradle the pain away. The alley was dark, wet with acrid smells. Just less than a half foot away from him laid the needle and all the contraband that went with it. The memories of what it would feel like if he just gave in one last time nearly suffocated him with desire. There was no greater feeling. Nothing more powerful to block out the pains.

He shook his head violently, pleading with himself to not touch it again as he began to rock back and forth. The shaking spread to the rest of his body, he didn’t know if he had the strength to resist it. The temptation was so strong. But he knew, deep down he knew that it would not cure his empty heart of its suffering. The best it did was numb it. A mind blowing numbness that he wished with all his heart that he had never known. Wished he had never sunk so low as to even think to touch the foul stuff. Was there nothing worth more than his aching need to pump himself full of the poison?

A picture flashed in his head.

She had had long honey brown ponytails. Her barefeet had been dancing on his one foot as he had held on to her tiny hands. He’d put on some soul and watch her eyes gleam wide as she rush up to dance with her daddy. Such beautiful brown eyes. Like a chocolate drop had been placed in the very centers of her soul. She was the sweetest thing He’d ever known and she had adored him.

Not many fathers got to say that about their little girls. He’d bring home a Hershey kiss every night and drop it in her hands, even as her mother looked on unapproving of his actions. But he was rewarded with the biggest smile and sparkling eyes. He’d whisper softly to her as he bent down to hug her, “Daddy loves you more than anything in the world princess.” She had been 4 and a half then. And he never stopped bringing her home kisses, even the day when she was gone.

They had looked and looked for her. The whole town had looked for her. She was no where to be seen or heard. His whole soul had cried out in agony and frustration at the loss. Who…who? Who would dare take his princess from him?

The very center of his universe. Gone.

In his remembrance of her just then, he’d failed to notice the tears. For too long he’d tried to force her face from his minds eye. For too long he’d forgotten why he had lived. She had taught him to live. He continued to rock back and forth. Shaking his head in the pain. He should not have forgotten her.

Then without knowing why, he reached absentmindly in his pocket. And, there in his pocket was a Hershey kiss. Had he put it there? It was a bit mushed from being in there for god knows how long, but it was her kiss. He held the marvel in his hands. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

He looked over at the needle waiting for his deft hands to puncture his skin. Shakily he stood up. This was not how she would want her daddy to live. Staring at the Hershey kiss like he’d found home again, he took in a gulp of air and on weakened limbs-walked away from the needle without so much as looking back. He then brought the small candy to his lips to kiss her memory.

His love for her was stronger than anything else- including the fix. He didn’t need it anymore.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Be You and be Free

"To be free to be me, well to me, that sounds like the best way to be." - me


There are so many things in life that seems to weigh people down. But really, I think they are just afraid to let others see who they really want to be, to see the things they really want to do, to be free enough to say to others "if you're gonna love me, love me for who I am and not for what you wish me to be."

It is my hope that you each find the courage to be yourselves, to be comfortable in your own skin and to follow whatever & wherever your passions might lead you to make a difference- for yourself and for those you love.

Just some thoughts of mine I thought I'd share with you all tonight. Take care and I'll be back. My post tomorrow might be a little later in the evening as I'm going to a local concert tomorrow night. Until then..

Monday, October 19, 2009

One quote and a few laughs

I have two things and since its late, I'll keep this post short.

First, I heard the best quote from a good friend of mine, she said:

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." Count your blessings!- J.L.

Second, the other day I was introduced to the funniest comedian I've heard in a long, long time. One of Triana's friends insisted we get to know this comedian. His name is Russell Peters. Please make sure you have at least an hour of free time to watch this- Triana and I just about died laughing at it!!!!

Have a great night everyone!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Believing in Yourself

I'm am still working out this chapter in my book that I've started yesterday, it is one of the most complex parts of my story and is taking a lot of my time to think out, but I am glad that I am back into the swing of writing. I'd like to share a video that sort of tells how I feel about holding on to a dream and sticking to it with unwavering faith. This is probably not a favorite of my best friend Triana, but this is also a choice of music where we tend to diverge from. I'm more into the old school/new school R&B than she is (she doesn't appreciate my Teddy Pendergrass cd) and that's ok.

I was completly fascinated with both of these singers, who you'll see in this video, when I was younger. Both women have come through so much in their lives and have continued to carry on in their dreams. So here you go:


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Lean On Me

I've decided to take some time today to breath. Yesterday's events did not bode well for me, but I won't go into them here.

I am more determined than ever to finish my books. Did you know that despite my busy work schedule and other issues, I've managed to write ideas, thoughts, and a few pages here and there in my book I called Kipleyarren? I'm really excited about how its turning out, though I'm convinced there is more I should be doing with it and more revising that will need to be done.

Many of you have read some of the chapters I posted previously this year and I have since changed its name, done a lot of revising, added several chapters, and I am still working towards its completion. There are days when I am weary to the bone, but I have not given up on my dream of writing. I have taken the advice of a dear friend and have started scheduling time for myself each week to relax, unwind, and write.

I'll see you all tomorrow and let you know how I progressed with my writing today. Until then, I'd like to share a song to show my dearest friends just how much they mean to me and to say thank you for lifting me up when I was so down yesterday:

Friday, October 16, 2009

A different poem of mine

This one is a little different from my usual stuff, but I have a feeling that there will be a few of you who will understand this.

The Stage Set Free

Like the stage set before us, the scene that is unseen.
A puppeteer's Master still holding the strings
one piece he is missing, something not thought of,
Once clarity sets in, one by one the strings break-
of being human once again they nodded to the ache.

Masters and plans were carefully laid out,
but set in stone was not how a life was meant to lead
and two by two they found themselves freed.
lost and wandering still the master cried,
how could you leave what I have survived?

But humanness called such a beckoning call,
the hearts heard what the eyes could not recall.
Disbelief with incredulous wonder,
The master could not still such wonderous thunder.
As he sat back and watched with much to ponder.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Held in My Head

Its kind of noisy here where I'm at. Triana and I decided we'd been neglecting our old hangout spot for far too long and so here we are, once again at Deer Park here in Fort Wayne. Unbeknowst to us, its Octoberfest beer tasting night here.

Fun, fun...not for me. I don't do beer, and on top of it I'm the girl getting stares that feel a bit awkward to me all while I type along on my laptop- did I mention I'm in a bar, typing????

Well, anyway here's a small poem for you each and I'm going to get back to catching up on the weeks events with Triana.

Held in My Head

The brush of thoughts,
a soft promise,
hushed in my head.
I hope you mean it.

I think of these
often enough to
drive an insane person
sane. or insane again.

Curious isn't it?
how it all seems to fit
somehow. but I'm
still not sure how.

Right or wrong I
don't know. But then
I never claimed to
know it all, still learning.

Trying to untangle my thoughts
from brinks of uncertainty
tossed with empty hopes
gone astray, lost but saved.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Favorites

I've got a lot on my mind right now, so rather than post a poem, story, or something else like that I'd like to post some of my favorite quotes that I have plastered to my wall next to my desk at work. They are:

"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us." Helen Keller

"It is the surmounting of difficulties that make heroes." Louis Kossuth

"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others' eyes for an instant?" Henry David Thoreau

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." Oscar Wilder

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein

I hope you each are having a good week no matter where you are in the world or where you are in life.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Longing

Well, its been a long day for me, but I've managed to write a short poem tonight. I do hope you like it.

A Longing

There are sad tears,
here in my eyes.


come closer to me,
the moonlight is getting thin,
I miss the touch of skin
on mine.

Trace my outline with your fingertips,
my face held in your hands,
and my hands reaching up
to bring you closer.


But you are not there,
its just a dream.

There are sad tears in my eyes,
is this how it will always be?
You so far removed and away
from me?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Reflection

You know I was looking back on one of my very first posts on this here blog of mine and it got me to thinking about all the things I've been trying to accomplish for myself over the last year. Particularly, I had asked myself this question at the very end of it:

"How do you feed yourself the food that matters most when you've stuffed yourself away?"

I think it was that question that led me to explore my thoughts, my triumphs, and my fears here on this blog. If ever you wanted to spend several hours doing nothing but reading my posts from beginning to end, you'd see the changes in me. I guess I'm just saying thank you to each of you for following along with this journey of mine and for continuing to do so in spite of the fact that I've missed a few days of posting here and there lately.

I think this blog has been exactly the kind of food I needed to grow. I hope it is and/or has been the same for you as well. See you all tomorrow night!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Swallowing Fear: A Short Story

I finally wrote another fictional short story. In case you haven't been able to guess, each short story deals with the emotional responses and decisions that people make in response to some of the darker sides of life. I'm attempting to show the strength, tenacity, and beauty of humans inner strength. The beautiful ways in which we learn and love- and grow. I do hope you each are enjoying these shorts as I post them.

Swallowing Fear by April L. Gerard

She stood staring out the window. The rain was coming down in sheets. It made the green things greener, giving the day an eerie forlorn look to it. “Nature being exposed in the shower of its tears- in its naked form,” she thought. Just thinking that made her want to wrap it up protectively, shielding it from such pain and humility. She knew such emotions well, she'd been living with them inside her for what seemed like forever. Never would she wish for anyone to feel such heartache, not even Nature herself.

She glanced over at the last suitcase sitting in the corner as she ran her hand across the window sill, the dark mahogany trim gave her comfort. The contrast it made against her own paleness reminded her of strong arms that she longed to be there to hold her. But He wasn’t. He couldn’t be. And she would never ask him to be.

The thoughts that wandered out from their hiding places brought forth anxious, desperate tears. She’d just have to let this go, there was no need to allow those thoughts to go any further. He wasn’t hers and she certainly wasn’t his. It was all foolishness to think it might be possible anyway. There was more at stake today than just a fleeting thought of happiness in the future. Futures had a way of becoming unsteady when the present day's decisions ran a different course than originally intended. She needed to stay focused, she'd deal with her emotions later.

Turning from the window with a sigh, she walked over to her bed and continued getting dressed. The heavy empty feeling in her stomach made her queasy. And the queasiness led to a growing anger at herself. She should have left a long time ago. The other occupant of her household never asked permission- he took what he wanted, when he wanted it -including her.

So long it seemed that she had taken it. She had bore the brunt of his childish behaviors over the years. Sprung from insecurities that he’d never bother to look at inside himself, they left her trembling in a raw, edgy fear. She was tired of trying to protect him from his own demons. She was tired of protecting herself from them. She was tired of hiding the truth from the world. He’d have to learn to live this life without her.


The photograph sitting framed on her dresser caught her eye. They had been happy together once. Or maybe she had just pretended he was happy with her, convincing herself that she didn’t deserve much more in life than him anyway. She shook her head angrily at that thought and impulsively reached for it and laid it face down. No need to have him watch her every move as she laid out her plans. He’d watched and controlled enough of her life. It was time for her to feel the sun shine for a change, not just watch it glow from a distance.

She moved silently over to her last suitcase, pulled up the handle to allow it to roll behind her. She took one last look around. She could do this. And then she walked out the door, down the hall, and out into the rain.

As she reached the yellow car parked in front she looked up at the sky. There in the distance, the same direction she'd be heading, was a beautiful rainbow brought on by the rays of sun sneaking their way through the cloud filled sky. She smiled inwardly. This learning to re-live again thing was going to be freedom unlike any she'd ever felt, and it felt good to know it was waiting for her.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I've Been Waiting

I can't believe that I am still awake, but I am.

I've decided that Midnight Wire wasn't my best poetry ever, but I'll leave it posted anyway. Below is a song that I wrote a while back, its very simple but I think I like it. I do hope all of you are having or will be having a wonderful weekend. I'm off to try to sleep, Take care Everyone!

I've Been Waiting (a song by me)



I've been waiting
a long time
tell me when I'm gonna
see you shine
I've been feeling
way down


Tell me when I'm gonna
see you my friend
And is your heart beating
just like mine is again?


I've been waiting
on you
I've been waiting
on you
a long time

a long time


Sometimes I just stare
across the sky
hoping each day gives me
one more try


will you open up your heart
to me?
and do you see the things
that I see?


I've been waiting
on you
I've been waiting
on you


Baby I've been Waiting
on you
I've been waiting on you..
a long time.

a long time.

Midnight Wire

Last night was one of the worst sleepless nights I've had in a long time. I'm hoping I can survive the workday, but for now- here is another poem. Its a little different from my normal stuff I think, so I may have to re-read this later and see what I think about it. I may post again later tonight...

Midnight Wire

Strung up tight
ready to spring
a midnight wire
in me you bring.

How does this
make me feel-
a midnight wire
in me you steal?

Confusion sets
along the rest
a midnight wire
in me you test.

Along this road,
tenuous hold
a midnight wire
in me you've mold.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Trembles of Thoughts

Well, This week is proving to be a challenging and very busy week. Today was the first day of the annual audits, but since I'm typing this (rather late tonight), I've apparently survived it so far. Below is a Poem/Song. Hope you like it.

Trembles of Thoughts

These hands of mine,
They always seem so small.
And sometimes
I tremble inside of me.
Could you still my beating heart,
when I feel this afraid?

Tears often fall
when I'm so unsure
the ground seems
to shake beneath me.

I can't always pick myself up
whenever it seems I've fallen.
I hold onto what little hope
I have left.

My eyes don't always see
the way others do
I know I walk alone
in my journeys.

But..
Just once, I'd like to see
others take a stand
and change the world
with their own two hands.

These hands of mine,
They always seem so small.
And sometimes
I tremble inside of me.
Could you still my beating heart,
when I feel this afraid?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Quick Note and a Song

Today I tried in between all the bustle at work to catch up on reading everyone's blogs. I failed miserably, but I did manage to leave a few comments here and there, I will continue to try to visit everyone within the next couple of days. I do enjoy all the wonderful posts each of you write and share with us and since this is typically the busiest time of the year for me, I'm finding it difficult to keep up with everything- both online and offline.

Here's a video to help you get a sense of how I feel, its quite beautiful- the song is.


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday's Poem for You

I hope everyone is having a good weekend, I'm trying to use my time wisely with some reading and some writing, and a little bit of music in between. Take care guys, below is another poem of mine.

Escape in Music

Soft, placating
sounds in my head
beat beyond
into a world whose
touch, unmoving
in its sway has
slowed intentions
that one might have
today.

Melodious, free
seeking but drawn
out from the line of
momentumous desires
fueled by a fire,
never to cease until
an imaginary hand comes home
to hold mine.

Dreams, unreal
they always were
giving hope where
there was none, kindness
in the midst of hate
bellowed stale visions
cutting the edge of
thoughts with timidness
but still holding
on to a hand
never known, thinking
surely its there
one day, it will be there.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Never take your gift of life forgranted

I wrote this in my blog back on August 3, but never posted it. (Yes, I do use my blog quite like a journal, you'd be amazed probably to know that I have nearly 400 posts on this thing and only a fraction of them get posted each day). I've been reviewing some of them and I thought I'd share this one today since it relates to some of the things that have been on my mind lately. Specifically, the idea that no matter what- each day should be meaningful to you.

I've been on the road for the last two hours or so, in Indy again for a few days for work. There is always so much to do, so much to learn. These small trips away are sometimes my little piece of heaven-they give me time to be alone enough to think and I usually get some much needed rest that I otherwise wouldn't get at home. The rest is an important part of keeping myself healthy, but it doesn't always happen that way.


I know that I talk about my concerns for my mother's health or I write about alot of other things, but I don't know that I've shared with you each why I'm always so tired (apart from being busy all the time).

About 4 and half years ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm a fortunate diagnosee-as mine seems to be an extremely slow progressing type. I'm fairly active and mobile. Most wouldn't know I have it unless I specifically told you. In fact, my neurologist theorizes that I've had it since childhood. The supporting factor in that theory is that I'm deaf in my right ear due to nerve deafness (the nerves don't work) and MS is an autoimmune disease that affects the nervous system. I've been deaf since as far back as I can remember.

Back when I was nineteen I had an MRI done to determine if they could do anything surgical to help regain my hearing and they found a lot of lesions in the occitipal region of my brain. Problem is, I can still see which is baffling considering how many lesions I have in that region which controls your visual senses, and yet my auditory region has none- and I'm partially deaf (try to untangle that one). I had absoluting no identifying symptoms when they found those, so there were no further tests done at that point. I went on living my life, like I always do.

So (fast forward to 2005) when I was finally diagnosed- it was due to the fact that I began to have insomnia problems. after determining that I did have an insomnia problem, it took them nearly six months of testing to get a diagnosis. The final test being the spinal tap ( I hope to never, ever have to have one of those done ever again as mine didn't heal properly, a complication that doesn't happen to many people). I was given the news of my diagnosis two days after christmas. I have since managed myself and my fatigue much better and no longer have as much sleeping problems as I did. I am fortunate to be able to say that fatigue is my biggest battle with it and not other more serious symptoms.

For most people, depending on what type of MS they have, that determines how their symptoms generally act. In my case, if the MS is acting up and causes damage, its permenant for me, which is why I never regained my hearing back. Its also why, in some ways, I've learned to be very grateful for the mobility,agility, and functionalities I still have and am determined to keep.

And so, the point of my sharing this with you each is not to spill my beans, but to offer a few words of advice ( I hope you each don't mind) and those are: never take your gift of Life forgranted and make each day mean something to you- do some good things with the time you have and do your best to help others, including those strangers who you pass by. You'll help yourself more than you could possibly fathom if you learn to help others first. And you'll grow into a more lovely,beautiful individual than what you already are. I believe in each of you, now go believe in yourselves and make a difference.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Taking those 2 hours I was advised to take and free my soul

Well, I'm going to attempt it anyway.

I do need some down time though. I will try to post a short story tomorrow, my heart just isn't in it tonight. Things are getting somewhat stressful on the home front, but I'm sure I'll manage just fine- I always do. I just need to take some time for myself tonight..so..

I'm going to go out with Triana tonight (even though I'm really not in much of a mood to be around other people) and let her know about her christmas present- Tickets to the Blue October Show on Nov 14 in Kalamazoo, MI. I'm inclined to think she is their biggest fan.

Anyway, Have a wonderful night guys and I'll be back in better spirits tomorrow!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

To My Dear Friends

Below is a letter that I wrote to all of my friends, both in real life and online, on September 1, 2009. It is not- I repeat- not a farewell letter. But it is more of an encouraging hand extended to each of you to help you through whatever your trials in life may be.

To My Dear Friends,


We all face challenges of the likes that we had hoped to never see, and yet, we come out as stronger wiser individuals. I've struggled endlessly on end somedays battling my own fears and demons- much like I suspect you are. I cannot offer more than my listening ear and/or my voice of thoughts should you ask for them-for I am not equipped with power enough to change the circumstances of which you are enduring. But I will gladly offer you my friendship until there is no breath left in me. I will gladly stay up into the night's dawn of morning if you should need me to do so. I will do whatever is neccessary to help you walk through this life with your head held high, if it is I who could give you such comfort. You are courageous in ways you don't even see. You are beautiful to me. Never forget that.