Wednesday, September 30, 2009
"You shouldn't ask anything of anyone until you've earned the right to ask."- Jon Cassady
I think that even though this quote was made in the context of developing the resources of a non-profit, it could be applied to a lot of other areas of life as well, such as relationships, etc.
Anyway, it was food for thought for me.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
but my three dearest friends,
well- they make me proud.
I have one friend that I rarely get to see,
who believes in me, makes me smile
and laughs at the silliest things I do.
another friend has walked through life with me-
who cheers me on, encourages me,
and shares in the same pains I do.
And there is a third friend- a face I have never seen,
but who keeps me sane, talks with me
and extends a hand through the telephone.
They are truly the best of me.
I hope that I will always
have them as my friends.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Water and Land
Dip my feet, toe by toe
into a pool of water.
rays of sun there, a smooth pebbled rock here,
an honest reflection to bestow.
I watch the ripples move along the water.
stretching here and there,
and I think to myself there she is,
still in that moving reflection.
Cast my form, falling backwards upon the land
legs and arms spread to make the angel in the grass,
still I keep my feet in the water
as I stand to look at my shadow dancing longwards.
And then backwards I see the impression I've made,
the land marking where I've laid.
I wonder if the grass ever understood our need to touch it?
and I feel nature's heartbeat against my feet covered in the cool of water.
Beautiful isn't it? Where ever you see water caressing land.
Metaphorical really, as ground will soften to let water in.
And water smoothes the grounds rough edges.
Reminds me of being human somehow, like the yin yang- opposites fullfilling the whole.
I suppose my thinking gets a bit wayward, These daydreams of mine.
They get me to thinking though, of all the things that make me-me and you-you.
But I like it, like the water meeting the land I mean,
the feel of the softened ground on my feet's bottoms and the soothing of water's soul.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The radio plays,
Dolly Parton is on.
I don't often put on
But sometimes it helps
my soul, especially
when I'm down.
She's singing She's An Eagle When She Flies.
And I continue my house cleaning,
giving each of the kids directions
on where to put what and what to throw away.
Then my ears, they hear
a sound so sweet,
I catch my breath
and my eyes meet with
the clear blues of
my youngest daughter.
She's picked up
the microphone, attached
to the radio.
Bless her heart
she doesn't know the words,
but that voice of hers-
She's only two.
Sweetie, I think Dolly would be proud.
For those of you who may not know who Dolly is, here is a video of her singing She's an Eagle When She Flies
Saturday, September 26, 2009
-You owe yourself 2 hours a week. Free your soul.
-The truth is there somewhere, but its always hard to see.
-You can't assume that.
-be careful there, people might actually think you care.
-There are always going to be idiots in the world aren't there?
-"What'd it do? Blow up?"
Friday, September 25, 2009
You see, earlier this week I lost my work keys...AGAIN. Frustrated I was (on top of mother nature's monthly call). So, most of the week I go without my keys, worry about where they could possibly be and then yesterday after work- my boss calls me. He found my keys.
"Really? Where? " I'm estatic that he's found them. I don't have to argue with the post office for a new key! I didn't lose my written works AGAIN!
"In the bathroom wastebasket." he says.
Wait. Stop. In the trash? OMG! Its a good thing I'm on the phone or else he'd have seen the reaction on my face. My brain has quickly put two and two together-mother nature's leftovers and my keys being rescued from that mess by my boss. **SIGH** I believe that is the most embarrassment I've had in a long time, now the question is how in the HELL did my keys get into that trash can in the first place???
So, I survived yesterday only to have today be much more inconvenient and costly. I woke, got the kids dressed and ready to go, headed out the door and what do I find?
My van has a flat tire. Not just a little bit low and needs a bit of air. NO. Its flatter than a pancake sitting on its rim. There was no way to drive it anywhere. What to do? How do I plan on paying for this to be fixed?
I run over to the neighbor's house (its my boss's house) talk to his wife and she kindly allows me to borrow the her car. So I get the kids loaded in, take them each to where they needed to be and then I returned her car back to her.
I then strapped my laptop on me and walked to work.
I can only hope the weekend will get better. Somedays, I really do just want to cry. I know the saying goes, "When it rains, it pours." but can I at least have a rainbow with it?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A Prayer to Hold
I'm fixing my eye on that dream.
I'm holding it close to my heart.
Though weary I sometimes seem to be.
I'm holding onto the hope in my chest.
I'm taking in a tangible breath.
Though heavy the air sometimes feels to me.
I'm daring myself to believe its there.
I'm learning my weathers help me to fly.
Though skeptical thoughts hide within thee.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
brightness shaking into my dawn
of twilight rays in shivering thoughts
lest I wake from this dream of mine
surely one day I might find it, here in me.
covered loneliness hidden in my wake
of rippled holes in a midnight landscape
pry open my eyes to finally grasp and know
surely one day I might hold you, here with me.
warmth of radiance in your smile's glow
of delicate caressing words littered in letters
resonating deep in me to shatter the walls
surely one day I might feel this, you here next to me.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"Sometimes a hard days work clears your mind of the fog, but then you wrestle with the truth of how you feel because you can now see clearly."- April L. Gerard
Monday, September 21, 2009
Yes, your eyes are seeing correctly...we've attempted and managed Skateboarding! Who knows what else we'll think up to try next!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Just for A While
Walk with me.
Brush against my skin,
take my hand and curl your fingers
in between mine. Take me closer to your
smile, and walk with me a while.
Laugh with me.
Tease me with your laughing eyes,
chase me around the playground,
catch me as your legs outrun mine,
and our feet miss the ground while we fall
and laugh with me a while.
Talk with me.
sit beside me on the ground,
our hands upon our knees, skipping stones out onto
the water. Banter back and forth and sharing
past and present in the words we choose to use.
Just simple conversation of teasing and serious
subjects in between- yes, please,
talk with me a while.
Stay with me.
long into the day that stretches out into the night.
Me trusting in another for a change and you,
you doing the same. Point out your dreams,
as we stare at the stars peeking out around mother moon.
take a midnight ride, feel my arms wrapped around you
holding on in the moonlight, feeling the wind whip
through my hair. Take me someplace quiet,
a soft hush in the air. Allow me to show you
all that I've wanted to share.
Kiss me and stay with me a while.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
But we had a good time & I even danced out on the dance floor with everyone..I'm getting more social yet!!!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Her head buried deep into his hands. She had been curled up against the apartment wall, knees drawn up as he bent down and wrapped his frame around her protectively, shifting her into his lap. What else could he have done? He did not know what else to do for her, so he stroked her disheveled hair back into place. It had been only hours ago that he had commented to someone about how she was such a strong woman.
And she still was.
That would never change about her. He'd watched her over the last year and had learned from her. How to take things in stride, how to tactfully say what needed to be said to others without so much as raising her voice, and how to face your fears head on. Yes, this small frame in his lap was the strongest woman he'd ever encountered and she had put him to shame that first day he had blown up at her. He'd been trying his best ever since to show her he could be better than that, that he would be better than that.
He had never before in his life wanted to change for anyone else..until then. There was something there. Something he still couldn't put his finger on, but he did not want to disappoint her again.
He smiled at the thought, never underestimate the strength of tiny women. She had managed to stand up to him in ways no one had ever dared to before. She also taught him the value of laughter. And he was greatful for the lessons in life that she taught. Yes she had taught him so many things. Things he didn't understand until now.
Before, his anger had always gotten the better of him. But he could never figure out why. No one had really deserved his outbursts, they all loved him so. The culprit sparking that flame of anger had always been so elusive, just barely out of his hands reach. The search for clues as to what it was nearly drove him insane further sparking his hotheadedness. But he saw now why he was so angry before he had made the decision to leave his hometown. He never loved himself, indeed he was angry at the world for loving him when he did not feel it warranted.
He looked down at the tearful woman in his lap. She had taught him to love himself, to love who he could be and to never accept less than the dreams he dreamed. He marveled at the fact that she was trusting him to hold her. She never did that. With anyone.
He felt his soul quake just then. A sudden dawning of comprehension occurred in his mind. He felt his heart beat louder. His veins seemed to pump with hot blood and he felt the insides of him tremble. How long had he felt this way? Would she let him? His hands tremored slightly as he delicately ran his fingers across her cheek to wipe away the tears.
Something must've happened today while he was gone. Something must have triggered the hurt she had long buried inside. He wanted so desperately to help heal her. To love her.
Right now, he would just hold her for he knew instinctively that was the best medicine she needed. He then pulled her up to his chest, gently laid her head against his shoulder and bent his own head down to kiss her forehead. And they sat there the whole night while he let her cry.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
You see, Last night after my dinner out, I was thinking of the time differences between a few of my blogger friends and me.
There is a 14 hour time difference between those of you in Australia and myself, here in the U.S. (specifically, in Indiana) So your today, is my tomorrow. And my today is your yesterday ( I hope I haven't confused you yet). So it led me to thinkin- yes I know, I'm promise my brain is not on fire, at least not yet.
Anyway, I got to thinking about how, for someone in Australia, its completely possible to re-live a day if they traveled to the right place. And likewise (though oppositely) I could never see a day if I were to travel there. And then I thought about our posts and emails. I get to send something to my friends and it lands smack dab in a day that hasn't even arrived for me yet, and they send me one back and it lands squarely in the past day they've already been. Don't you find it ironic that while we can't go back in the past or leap into the future- our electronic messages can???
Really, what it all boils down too is that my today is your yesterday, and your today is my tomorrow- hence my title: Yesterday & Tomorrow are the same. Now when we think that way one has to ask the question...Where in the world did today get too?????
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm still working on my next short story and hope to have it posted tomorrow. For now though, I'm going to enjoy the friends I've missed talking with over these last few months and catch up on all the ups and downs and joys of their lives presently.
I hope each of you have had a wonderful day, I'll see you tomorrow!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Now, on with my truly horrifying moment, or well days... I lost my work keys, jump drives, post office box key, and house key this weekend. The memory sticks are what I was so worked up over, they have my books on them. Every last chapter is on those and sensitive work info. I just about died when I realized I just wasn't going to find them. I drove to nearly every single place I could think of that I had been and asked if I had left my keyring there..to no avail.
How was I going to re-write EVERYTHING?
Then I remembered that I had sent a backup copy of my books to a friend, so I knew I could potentially recover those. But the work stuff, I was truly frightened that that information would get into the wrong hands. How do you explain that to your boss and your board?
Now, I'm drama free!!! because I just found my keys literally a half hour ago! Yeah! **wiping the sweat off my brow*** whew..let's not do that again is what I'm thinking. One things for sure, I suddenly have a newfound appreciation for my writings and now I want to work on some more things. Perhaps tomorrow you'll find another short story waiting for your eyes to read on here. Maybe I'll even continue the Choices one for Lakeviewer.
Either way, I hope everyone is having a spectacular day! and if not, hang in there and here is a song to pick you up..Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae
Sunday, September 13, 2009
To make up for my absence- I have a surprise...... don't say I didn't warn you though :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
The conversation her and I had though, that was priceless:
We were walking out of the doctor's office and I put my arm around her small frame and said offhandedly, "Come here you, my chicawink."
"Don't call me chicawink Mom."
"Why not?? I call Triana chicawink, your sister chicawink. Lotsa people I call that- what's the big deal?" (its just a random made up word I use, I couldn't figure out why she didn't like it)
"It makes me feel small Mom."
"ok, what do you what me to call you then?"
"Pumkin? How does that equate to not being small?"
"There are some really HUGE pumpkins out there mom." (She emphasized this with her arms outstretched)
"Yes, Sweetie, there are." Me giggling at her, " But how about you be my Pumkin Pie instead?"
"Ok. I'll be your Pumkin Pie Mom." and then she hugs me and grins, walking all the rest of the way with her arm around my waist.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Changes with Choices
He looked up to the sky's star filled belly in ironic amusement, surely he shouldn't have been surprised at the changes. He'd had to pack all his things in less time than it took to say a prayer. As he walked, he recalled his earlier motions as he had hurriedly pack his room for the move.
He had no more calculated the things to take than he started to feel the well in his chest rise. There were some things you couldn't take. Some things you couldn't grasp, much like the wind, but you felt them- knew them as surely as you knew the air you breathed.
((((((thump)))))) (((thump thump))) ((((((thump)))))))
His heart echoed in his chest, thumping heavily in his head- a sound amplified only to his ears. He let his hands trace the walls of his room, recalling every memory associated with it. This was his home, this was where he had become a man, this was where he became the very person he is or was. And he had to leave it?? Now??
Why now, why not years from now, when he was steady on his feet? Damn! This was not the way things happened, was it? Does change come so easily that one must pick and choose where and what and who in the blink of an eye?
He did not know. but he knew his heart ached with grief, for surely he must move his feet through the door and say goodbye to the room that held his life's memories in its hands. His sister barging in unwanted, looking up at him with such adoration (and him secretly wishing she'd just go away and stop being such a nusiance). His mother calling to get his sleepy head outta bed and mind that you don't forget to be brushin' them teeth ya hear! His Pop sittin him down after a fall out with the girl down the road and explaining about a man having respect for a woman and how he shoulda never said or done some of those things. His grandpa trying his best to make each step up the stairs just to tell him how proud he was of 'em. Sneaking out, sneaking in, hearing momma cry a wail so loud he thought his heart would burst with the fear it tinged his soul with. That was when she got the call.
He'd made some friends, well so called anyway. That was real shit they got into, that was stains you couldn't wash off. People make that kind of mark on you. Leave impressions you couldn't get rid of if you wanted too. That was just the way it was.
But his family, that was pure. That was love he'd never cared to notice...until now. And the love they each gave him, even through the angry fits they loved him. Shame washed over him, he'd set things straight. He'd make it right again. But now, now it was time to go. And he walked out of the room with all the belongings he could manage on his shoulders. It was just time to go.
He returned his thoughts to the streets ahead of him, focusing his gaze on some unseen thing. He refused to let the night world see his tears that threatened to spill on his cheeks. He had to move forward, there was so much weight he had to carry. So much responsibility that he wasn't altogether sure that his broad shoulders could carry. But carry the load he must, for there was no going back. He clung to the hope that one day, one day he would not feel so alone.
Monday, September 7, 2009
the latter song I'm listening to happens to be my favorite song by them.
Sooo, about my weekend:
Yesterday I tried valiantly to forget all my troubles. I took my children to see my mother, rode my brother's 4-wheeler and remembered the feel of cool air whooshing past my face. I was reminded of my own vow to learn to ride a motorcycle all on my own (to which my brother replied he could get me a little ninja 600 to start out on and my mother nearly fainted then yelled, "you want to ride on a motorcycle after all those accidents you hear about?" she looked so disgusted it was hard not to laugh at her. I think she forgot I'm 30 (last I checked I'm still a big girl raising 3 kids, trying hard not to tell the world of the mess her current personal life is in.)
Did I mention that my family is a bit of daredevils? No wonder my kids give me heart attacks when they start climbing things.
I gave each of the kids a turn at riding on the 4-wheeler with me. My youngest smiled sheepishly while holding on for dear life, not wanting to admit her timidness at riding on it and exclaimed herself to be a "big girl". My middle child and only son, giggled with delight but exclaimed that "Uncle Eddie does it better than you Mom." He's 4, so what does he know right??? And my oldest, laughed hysterically, whooted with delight when we'd hit a bump in the field and screamed, "Go faster Mom, go faster!" I swear somedays she found my streak for fast cars and moving vehicles and hence is going to make me so nervous watching her try to..oh wait, let's not think about her behind a wheel yet- I'm still getting used to the fact that she's turning 10 here soon!
I've been reading the "In Me" series by Kathleen O'Neil Gear off and on throughout the weekend, they are really good. And while I was in Barnes & Noble last night looking for the last book in the series, I ran across a different book I want to read when I have the time to sit and absorb it. It is called The Boy Next Door by Irene Sabatini.
All in all, the weekend wasn't too bad. There were some events that I'll have to deal with later, but for now I'll keep yesterday tucked into the memory files to be pulled out later. Kids are the one joy in life you can't help but smile at.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Star studded dreamscape lands
of which I roam
when my eyes are heavy
as the night time sleeps
and I realize I'm still alone.
I can't break my promises to myself
to not let others in.
Rusty rains weather out my soul
as I find that trust is hard to place
in those I'll come to know.
Hope still holds its sway with me
though the chain of fog is getting thick
with decisions and crossroads of dusty mire
Heavy weights in thoughts I bear;
shackled in my own
foregone for so long now
has left its mark
Tell me, how do I find the one
that holds the stars
in eyes that see the world like mine?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Until either my friend who helps me with techy stuff or I get the video/audio clip done (because I am a perfectionist it takes me forever when its combined with my lack of technical know how) I will keep writing away on poems and what not. Here's another random poem, I'll write it as I go and we'll see what I come up with:
I dream of
a hand to follow the outline
of the molden cast our
of taste and sound,
silent in its virtue,
eyes meet where hand
has already left
only two to share in
what only two would share
with one another
and no other.
Hmm, I don't usually share these kind of poems when I write them, but I did say I'd share whatever I randomly wrote just now. Guess I'll just have to be brave and just share it. Now for a name for it?? I'll have to think on it or maybe one of you might have a suggestion?
Friday, September 4, 2009
a conviction always starts with these,
a mind that's made up will have said these,
and a heart who holds true will know these
these things that start with Every.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Last night I had the priviledge of talking with a friend of mine on the phone who is a blessing to be friends with. It really struck me at how wonderful it is to have a few close "best" friends in this world. A few of my friends, including the one I was conversing with last night, have been having some real struggles in life. I hope each of them know how much they have made a difference in my life and in other's lives; enough to know that their own life has value and it is precious. I hope each of you know that about yourselves- and if you don't, I'm shouting it out now, "YOUR ARE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!!!" No arguments please, for I will win this one for sure! Haven't you figured out yet that I don't give up easily??? Well, I don't, so don't try to stop me from believing in you my friends- it just won't work.
I meant to try to write another poem, but life has a way of having you write other things. In this case, my mind was not on poems but on friends, the few I have, and how dear they truly are to me (I consider blogger friends just as real as those I've seen in person, so you each count in that statement I just made). I think I,m really just in the mood for random conversation today, so here I am writing away as if I were really having a conversation with you each. So with that said, I'll leave you with this random quote of my own:
"There is no one on this Earth quite like the friend who has seen both sides of your heart and still calls you friend. What a wonderful thing it is to have more than one of those kind."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Anyway, As you can tell, I'm a music lover. I really don't have much to post today- well actually I have a lot to post about, but I'm just not in the right frame of mind to write these thoughts and ideas out today. You know how you want to stretch out your wings, flex them a little, sort of learn how to use them and build up the muscle tone they'd need before you try to take flight? That's how I feel about my writing sometimes. So I hope that everyone is having a good night, and that if not, I hope you at least have a good friend to lean on.
I'll see you each tomorrow!