Monday, August 31, 2009
You know, today I sat back and took in a lot of things. I saw, heard, and felt alot of things. Accomplished quite a bit in spite of a rocky start to my morning here at work.
I've been reviewing some of my own posts on here, its amazing what you learn about yourself when you reflect on what you've written and what you've said to others through conversation. This poem below is my attempt to capture the idea of being your own worst enemy, of how we each tend to beat ourselves up and bring ourselves down. Its not the best poem I've ever written, but I wanted to try to encompass the feel of how we think in terms of judging ourselves despite what others say.
There are times,
when I feel
like I'm all alone.
Then I wake,
from my mind's eye,
and i see that I'm not on my own
in feeling this way.
My view, is only one.
There is more to review.
My view, is only mine,
I'm sure you've got something else,
in mind, when you think of me.
I don't neccessarily have,
the best view of me.
but my friends keep telling me to
don't be your worst enemy..
you're a beautiful soul.
My view, is only one
there are other eyes that see.
My view, is only mine
but I see the beauty in you
that you don't see-
in your eyes its reflected back at me.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
So with that said, if I don't see you all on here tomorrow, you'll surely see me post again Monday evening -my time frame, and probably not yours as some of you all live in different time zones than me :)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Occurance of My Thoughts
It occurred to me,
that I will never know
the wholeness of a heart.
I've known my heart
has been bruised
for too long a time now.
It occurred to me
as I discussed with a friend,
that a bandaid really was what I had.
Though I told her,
I'd much rather take
the stitches and a scar.
It occurred to me,
that my heart really has been strong,
and has carried me through well.
But I've also found,
that a bruised heart,
can bleed endlessly from the slightest touch.
It occurred to me,
that I will always know,
bittersweet pains of joys and sorrows.
Yet I've never known lonely,
quite as well
as I've gotten to know it this year.
It occurred to me,
that this feeling might be
just a passing; a mere fleeting thought.
Still it has definitions-
quite like realness,
in the far reaches of my mind.
And It occurred to me,
that I need to fix this heart of mine,
so that the slightest touch will no longer hurt it.
but then I know,
I'm sure we all,
wish to mend our hearts whole.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Recently I heard a new song to my ears by Rev Theory called "Broken Bones". The best place to hear that song is on their myspace profile because in my opinion they just don't have a good video out for it yet, but they should. Anyway that song fits with the mood I was in when I posted the last post of "Who I am". Please pardon the feelings of sadness as you filter through these songs, this is how I get when I need to let out my stressers.
So far I've found these:
Breaking Benjamin's Rain and Breath
R.E.M's Everybody Hurts
2Pac's Brenda's Got a Baby (my aunt had her first child when she was 14)
Boyz II Men Its So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
Poison's Something To Believe In
Monday, August 24, 2009
by April L. Gerard (findingmywingsinlife)
Who am I?
I am not just another woman,
I am a person with thoughts and ideas,
I see the world with curious eyes
and I delve deep into what knowledge
I can find.
I am not a person meant to be pushed, shoved,
or broken at the will of another's.
I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be-
but I strive to do all that
my hands will allow me to do.
I am a person of many emotions,
swept into the deepness of my tears
on days when it seems no one else has seen
the trials of our fellow mankind.
Could just a few of my actions help?
This I always ask myself.
This I try to keep as a part of my life mission.
The ripple is far reaching and unknown,
so I try to take care of what I've sown.
I am not just another woman
nor do I take kindly to words of batterment,
I will build such a wall of defense,
that you will no longer be allowed in,
If it is anger you throw at me.
I am a person of worth, of value.
And so is my heart, my mind, and my friends
who help to define what is in me to do.
And I look to make things better
Because I know it starts with me.
I am a woman of intelligence,
so please do not treat me otherwise.
Condescending, impatient actions
wrought by those who seek for themselves,
these are the few things I have no patience for.
I am a student of life, just as you
and I try everyday to walk in someone else's shoes.
You learn that perspective changes
when seen through another's eyes.
It is this knowledge I gather that shapes me,
helps me to be more than what I am today.
I am not just another Woman,
I am me, innocent and naive,
weather worn and burdened
with certain memories. And yet,
I Choose to love, therefore it is love I am or at least I try to be,
just as you are and will be; I, well, I am me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I have finally downloaded the free software called Audacity that DD kindly advised me to learn to use and...ta da! I've made my first recording. It needs some work, well actually I need to brush up on my singing, but I'm more excited about the fact that I actually figured out how to use the software at it basics and how to turn it into an MP3 file! I can figure out technology yet!
Now, to figure out how to upload that file onto blogger. Hmm, this is going to take some thinking.
Lets see, maybe if I link it???
First Attempt. Nope. That's not going to work.
Second attempt, hmm what else to try..maybe as a video file???
I think it actually worked!!! Damn, nope that didn't work either. Spellbound, how did you get your audio clip posted on your profile page? 'Course I want to paste mine into a post. Maybe I have to use one of the thingys, the ones on the side of my page instead of the actually posting pages. hmmm, let me try that.
Ok, I'm tired of trying to find a gadget to help me out with this. I would be extremely greatful if one of you lovely readers would point me in the right direction on how to share this audio file with you. Otherwise, your out of luck until I talk next with a friend of mine. Oh, wait..I could just send him the file and he can post it for me! Why didn't I think of that before??? Well, just in case could you leave me some advice in the comments so if that doesn't work (me sending my friend the file) I can still manage it another way.
I'm willing to bet many of you have just laughed a ton at me and my attempts to use technology. Don't worry, I'm totally cool with that..I'm actually laughing myself. Darn this stuff, I'm goin to learn it sooner or later. Right now, its looking like later.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Have fun with it!!! I look forward to reading your thoughts!
A Last Day of Summer's Thoughts
Its a beautiful day,
a breeze with the cool of autumn
telling you its on its way.
Oh, but couldn't we just have a summer night again,
filled with starbrights and laughter ringing like fairy tales?
And what about a few fireflies twinkling their glows,
the music of the nights crickets at our toes?
'course not a bit of that's any good if there aren't a few
friends gathered around and a bon of fire abloom.
Didn't have any of that this year, lots of things to do,
But maybe if I get just one more day I could invite one or two.
Friday, August 21, 2009
"I never could understand some people. I mean, sometimes you just can't take things or yourself for that matter too seriously in life. Why in the world would go on worrying about what others think and crap like that? I mean hell, most likely those same people ain't even gonna throw you a damn party when you're dead and gone!"
then he goes on to say:
"Its like people in the church always mourning about death when that's supposed the be the Victory! They ain't figured out yet that dying is when you get the Life Everlasting stuff, its being born in this life that's the shit kicker!"
Have I ever mentioned that I love working with my boss???? He kills me! I almost blogged another conversation we had in here a couple of days ago, but because of the nature of the conversation I didn't. But oh man was it hilarious! Never a dull moment in our office and yes, he's knows I blog about his random statements..he cracks me up!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Isn't it beautiful?
Nothing but the sound of silence.
No pollution of noise to rot the mind's creativity,
No distractions to keep you off task.
But its not really silent is it?
The water flowing by,
the trees rustling with the wind.
The birds talking back and forth with their daily tunes.
But it feels so quiet doesn't it?
There's no hum of busy bodies,
and no one calling for your attention
Just you and a little bit of serenity.
Can't you just feel the rejuvenation?
Dip your bare feet into the coolness of the river,
watch the sun set into the horizon,
and bathe in the last rays of sun mixed with the nights advent.
Breathe that air in, isn't it wonderful?
the musty smells of earth and growing things,
the aroma of a day's rain gone by,
ahh, the sounds of silent tranquility- Isn't it Beautiful?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
"You can never do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." Kris author of This Will Hurt Me
"Live in the choices that don't bring such woes." Shadow guest author at The Second Road
"Odd that. And disconcerting that I can no longer trust my feelings to give me accurate information about my state of health." Barry from An Explorer's View of Life
"You can still love a family member, even while wondering where the hell they came from" Deedee author of Deedee, Cut Adrift!
"My apologies to Pastor Baker who warned me against such language but never mentioned the evolution of poop in a father's life." C. Micheal Cox author of God of Another World
"She was a train with no reverse. A river disguised in her many forks, and a metaphor for the metaphor." Rikkij author of One Big Love
Monday, August 17, 2009
all that I
Drowned in my own mind.
Falling down in time.
taking time to see.
All there was in me.
All there will ever be.
I wish I could be more than what I could give to myself
I wish I knew of all the ways to make this go away today.
Tears come in three forms did you know?
but I was born without a way to shed these down my face.
Gotta let go, gotta go see, gotta let be what will be.
never knowing what I'll never know and all that there is to know
is not for you and me.
to learn it all and take each fall with every step down the hall
tell me now what you see,
when you see me.
Cause I don't see,
what you see
in this mess of me
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Also, in reminder, if you're new or if you have a story to share, click here on the Do Something Good Post and share with us you're story of what someone has done for you and what you've done for someone else.
Now, I've been visiting some blogs that I haven't read in a really long time. When I come across a new blog and it really makes an impression on me, I don't forget it. I may not follow it right away, but I don't forget what it was about it that caught my attention. Having said that, there is a follower named "Je Maverick" that Triana has on her blog that has some of the most astounding poetry I've read in a while, but he doesn't seem to post very often. In fact,his last posted poem "The Things You Couldn't Take" was posted back in January. It really struck me the last time I read it and feeling the need to re-read it, I looked it up again tonight. I was struck again by how emotive it was and it has inspired me to sort of make a poem of my own in response. And Je, if you ever actually read my blog- hope you don't mind.
The Things I Couldn't Say
There are times, when I wrestle
with my own demons.
Knowing that I should have never tried to stay.
the raised voices, the brittle fear
buried deep inside you as you,
you wrestled to control
the winged creature I am.
Stuffed with dreams and goals
of the likes you'd never think to pursue,
Your raised voice, challenging me to raise mine back,
and knowing full well I never would- you'd find
reason to hate me for not being as aggressive
Broken plates, Broken doors, wide eyed children, and me
trying desperately to juggle the balancing act of
keeping your temper in check, so no one came to harm.
And in truth, no one ever did- if its physical pain you're looking for.
But no one ever warned me of the damage
such a relationship would do to you on the inside.
No one said a person's spirit could be broken by another.
That, someone else's perception of giving love could and would
leave its scar. A mark left to keep the brokenness of my heart company.
And it has all simply stole the love I once gave...to you.
I look at both of us wondering...
What went wrong???? What part of this do I own?
I once had fight enough in me to want to do
all that I could to keep us glued together.
And still, I managed to convince myself that if I just let go of this, you'll
be happy with me. If I just do this, it will be ok.
But no more.
Tears, well these are just one of the things,
that I'm tired of. If its lonely I must be,
then I am content to be there.
But I cannot take this whittling away
Friday, August 14, 2009
I met up with Triana who, the wonderful being that she is, had gotten us free tickets to see the band Theory of a Deadman. Me being me- I couldn't remember what songs they sang until they started singing, my favorite song by them would probably be Santa Monica. So even though I had a long few days of working, it all went well and I got to go to a concert for free! I call that a very awesome way to chill after some serious days on the road and in meetings.
After the concert, her and I sat out on the upper balcony/patio porch thingy that they had and soaked up the cool breeze (it had been extremely hot inside during the concert) while doing some people watching. As I watched the interaction between people, I started to wonder- what would we do with our time if we didn't have to work, if instead we were given the opportunity to forge our own way in life?
I wondered if people would find more inspiring and fullfilling things to do with their time. I don't know, just me here, wondering about the possibilities as usual. And there are so many possibilities in life.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
On the road today, it seemed like every radio channel I flipped through was playing "Second Chance" by Shinedown. Their is a line in it that goes "I just saw Hailey's Comet....." I guess it kind of reminded me of the shooting star I saw the other night and how it left me feeling.
I went to a concert of Shinedown's in Fort Wayne, Indiana a while back. Very talented band and their lead singer is quite the motivational speaker on stage. Anyway, I guess I don't have a whole lot to say tonight. My thoughts are all jumbled and foggy from being so tired.
See you guys tommorrow.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I hope with all my heart that everyone who reads this blog will attempt to help do what they can to help others and even share it on the Do Something Good Post. Have a good night everyone and enjoy reading my song.
A Song of Mine
If you do something good
It will show
and if you place your heart
where its needed most
You will find a peace
that you had never known.
All I know
is that I have
everything I ever needed
to change my path.
I still try
I try my best
to give it all that I have
to the rest of the world
and who is in pain
Show them something
that gives them hope
to last each day
I don't have much
But I know
that I have
everything I ever needed
to change the world.
to change the world.
Do something good, mmm, mm, do something good.
and change the World.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Last night, I saw a shooting star for the very first time in my life. In that moment of looking at that star, I felt an inexplicable feeling that everything was going to be alright and that someone was and still is watching out for those in need.
I just thought seeing that star was the most short and yet beautiful moment I'd ever had. It was a peaceful feeling. I hope each of you get the opportunity to see a shooting star. Its a beauty unlike anything else.
I will post a much more thoughtful and hopefully a wiser post than this one tomorrow. My heart just felt as heavy as lead when I read that translation of that comment (now deleted) this afternoon.
And if you're a new reader or you missed the post, please read "Do Something Good" and join me in trying do something positive with the two hands you were given. Thanks guys. I'll see you tommorrow.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
It is this passion that fuels my everyday commitment to this phrase, "These are my two hands, I'll do with them what I can"
Friday, August 7, 2009
When I was at the training in Indianapolis, I met Ike Randolf- blog author of Good Works Indiana and also the Executive Director of OFBCI (Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives). One of the things we discussed was my desire to build a web site that showed not only good works, but the ripple from those good deeds. It is a project that Rab and I have been discussing on how to really make it work. Ike was so impressed by the idea, he asked for my contact information and said he'd be in touch. And he did exactly that. There was an email waiting for me when I got back in the office.
Now, I have no idea where this idea will go or how far I will get with it, but I would like to explain why its so important to me and to do that I will share some personal information.
I've shed a lot of tears in my life. Tonight, more than I've shed in a long time. I don't cry often.
Many of you have followed on here for a long time and have had the opportunity to read My Life Chronicles (also known by some as the Wing Seeker Chronicles), in that case you understand all too well what these next sentences mean.
***Please note that if you click on the Life Chronicles link, you'll want to scroll to the bottom of the page and work your way backwards through the stories.***
Tonight, I cried for my Dad who is in the Indiana State Penitentiary for Drinking and Driving one too many times, I cried for my best friend Triana who is also in a county jail for the same reason. I cried for my mother who is only 47 years old and suffering from early onset dementia. I cried for my high school friend Melissa Pletcher who died last year after two heart transplants, she was 27. I cried for the abusers who inflicted pain on me and my family as I grew up. I cried for all the families I've worked with and couldn't place in a home. I cried for every friend of mine who has called my phone during a time of need, knowing I'll pick up at all hours in an effort to stay their hands from ending their lives. I cried for those I can't be there for who I know are struggling (I have friends all over the world now through Blogger).
and am still crying as I write this. Because I can't fix this all by myself. It takes more than just me trying to do it.
I think people need to see that doing good does make a difference, that it goes beyond what most think. That it has a definition unlike what they've always thought it to be. I think most have not seen the end result of one act of kindness, they haven't been able to be convinced that the world is indeed changing- for the better I believe, and they've never truly believed that people care enough to give a hand.
But I believe, deep down, everyone does care- they just don't know how to make their caring meaningful and productive. People want to see that what they're doing is doing something. That's what I hope to accomplish with this web site idea. I hope to show people that what they did, literally affected the whole world in a positive way. I want to track the results from one good thing and post it. I want to change the world. I want to show you each that that one act of kindness, of giving your love to another individual- that it grows into something much more profound and bigger.
I think you guys do too. Help me change it. Do something good for someone you know and someone you don't know. Tell me about it here in the comments or have them share their story. Help me to help others see the good in the world long enough to stop doing the other things that hurt them and others. If you need more inspiration, click on the video link below.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
"I did it. I put my money where my mouth was and made a life for myself in the land of dreams." Nick from Onward Bound
"As a Czech Jew she was sent to Auschwitz in 1943. An art student, she was singled out to decorate the walls in a childrens barrack. As bizarre as this seems, someone decided to have this done." lyn from Two Ghosts
"I have found who I am." Syd from I'm just F.I.N.E.
"I feel as though I have been away for a hundred years or more." K. Lawson Gilbert from Old Mossy Moon
"Everyday I smile, knowing my heart wants to cry. But I don't want to seem so fragile to every onlooker's eye" Bloggermouth from Wandering Thoughts
"I will never forget the last words he said to me. They were I Love You." Breeze from Breeze Daze
and I have one quote of my own for you each, it is something that I try to live by everyday though I'm not sure how good I do at it:
"Telling the truth not only keeps you honest with others, it keeps you honest with yourself."
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
First, I want to take some time to ask each of you to please keep two friends of mine in your thoughts and prayers. One friend has made some choices the were both unhealthy and unwise and needs some time to get themselves straightened out. The other friend is battling some health issues and I do hope they pull through this bit of a rough spot.
And now, below is a poem of mine for today. It fits in well with both the thoughts in my head today and what I hope more people chose to do with themselves as a life mission, not as a one time thing to do every now and then.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
1. There are very few people in the world with the "East" personality types according to our presenter. They are also looked at as a bit unorthodox or unconventional, but many people derive hope and inspiration from these personality types.
2. Those with this personality type are most often found in the top management or are the CEO of a company. These are the people who can see enough of the future and where things are heading to direct an entire group of people.
I found it interesting that I was one of only 2 people, in the room of appoximately 25 or so others, who fell into this personality category. I never knew these things about myself and I'm not sure that I would qualify to be a CEO somewhere, but this exercise definitely allowed me to not only look at my best qualities- but also to take a look at my worst qualities and work on them. Have any of you taken personality assessments and if so, what did you discover?
Monday, August 3, 2009
gained one day at a time from mistakes made
by the unknowing of things experience would bring
and by the stubborn will of iron might.
The very torrents we'd call our downfalls,
will lend its hand to our planting of more
educated guesses and wise silence when called for.
Realized potential blooms when thoughts
begin to flow in the river of time
in strings of dreams becoming actions
and enlistments of other hands have been made.
Journeys are bound together as fate would seal
the paths together in joint parallel roads,
sometimes one would bend away, only to cross again,
but still- the journey with different pathways,
different views and stays- still, it is still the same
breath of beauty that allows us to learn and grow
even in our own confusion, even in our own utter
bewilderment at our own messes made, we grow.
We learn. We Live.
Currently listening to this song:
"If today was your last day" by Nickelback
Sunday, August 2, 2009
My own quote for the day:
"Life sometimes seems like its getting away from us and always giving chase, but often times I think its just us trying to avoid it rather than keeping up with it and have to stare it in the face."