I'm very pleased with myself right now.
I just finished hand writing another chapter of my book Kipleyarren. I was secretly despairing with myself that maybe I'd lost my ambition, that maybe somehow I'd let go of it. But it has always been in my thoughts, in my mind, wondering when I was going to write it down. It has taken me several months to really return to it.
Yesterday I went for a two hour walk. I was determined to make it to the end of the trail and back that runs through our entire little town. I was determined that under no circumstances was I going to allow anyone, myself included, from keeping me from focusing on my goal at hand. My goal was to reach the small and beautiful pond at the end of the trail. I realize now that my subconscious was trying to make me remember that I am a woman of my word and that I do reach my goals no matter what obstacles spring forth or what anyone close to me might say in regards to that.
During that walk I realized it was partially my anger that fueled my desire to reach the end destination. I realized how angry I am with my present circumstances and acknowledged to myself that my pending divorce, my mothers failing health, my this or my that- none of it was going to keep me from being me or from reaching my destination.
I turned many, many thoughts over in my head as I walked and I came to the realization that no one can save me but myself from my misery. So as I came to that conclusion, I reached the pond. I did it. I knew all along I could, but I had to prove it to myself. I had to know that I still had it in me to carry out a decision and stick to it. And I did.
The walk back was really nice because I had let go of what was eating me and starting thinking about what I wanted to accomplish with my life. From there I thought of certain friends and what they mean to me and then I started thinking in earnest what it was that i was missing from my book.
I reviewed in my head each chapter I already had laid out and began looking more closely at the story that was taking shape. And then it dawned on me where to start again with my writing. And as I walked back down that trail I thought through what I wanted the next chapter to hold and daydreamed about it a bit, letting it play out in my head like a movie, taking note of the details. Then when I reached my van I jotted down those ideas, in shaky handwriting that apparently happens when you've exercised more than your used to. But I was writing again!
And Whala! I feel like I can do this again in spite of everything going on around me. I hope I can continue to keep writing in it. I love this story, its starting to feel like a book I myself wouldn't be able to put down while reading it. Its starting to take shape and grab hold of me again. It's a wonderful feeling.