Friday, July 31, 2009

Patience

Well, its friday. Rather than a spill all, tell all- I'll keep it simple. My stressers are getting stressier and I can tell already that this is going to be a challenging weekend. I hope my patience sees me through.

Patience, It Takes Time to Learn

I tire but
I know
that I
must learn.
I remind
myself
that I
must pause...
I wish but
I know
that I
must see.
I remind
myself
that I
should let it be
I hurt and
I know
that I
will grow.
I remind
myself
that all my
Patience sets me free.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Courage Come Find Me: A Short Story

I'm in the mood to write another short story. This is a purely fictional work that I've conjured up today. Hope you all enjoy.

Courage Come Find Me

a short story by April L. Gerard aka Findingmywingsinlife
all rights retained by author.

The girl crossed her arms and leaned back against the crumbling brick building. The windows had long been smashed out of it, a few scars of smoke stains entrailing parts of the building. It wasn't the most safest of places to be, but then, she thought, neither is some of the most ordinary places.

She let out a sigh. There in plain view was the road she never walked. She was so timid and unsure at the thought. She'd just never been outside of the block. Could she? Would she dare to venture outside of all she knew?

Across the road were more buildings, less dilapidated than the one she was using as her anchor. Even broken things can be useful she thought. Sometimes broken things become beautiful things, so why couldn't she shake the feeling that she was not one of those things?

When, when would her heart feel different? She glanced back down the alleyway where she had come from. These streets had been her home for so long. She knew that during this time of day not much would be happening here. And it was here that she found solace in the midst of her world. A world who for the most part didn't even know she existed.

She didn't know much about what was out there in that big world beyond her block, she didn't have the means to do so. But she felt that there was more, so much more than her block had given her. She then had a fleeting thought that stuck and wouldn't let go- I don't know what I don't know. Maybe I should go out there...maybe I could.

She was hungry for those things she didn't know, but how to get them? Would anyone talk with her to tell her how to get them? She glanced at the busy street ahead preparing her timid feet for the walk she'd never taken. She heard the calls of people flagging taxis, the buzz of traffic, and the shouts of those over taken with road rage from where she stood. It made her stop. No, those people would not talk to her.

A few passerbys who were trying to walk hurriedly through the block on the sidewalk that lined her unknown street, glanced down her way. Their faces had on peculiar looks to her. It was always the same sort of glances a girl like her would get. But it didn't make no sense to her, why would people look at her with such disgust, such indignity? A few she saw traces of shame, but she couldn't tell if that was for her or for themselves. Didn't really matter to her, but it did feed her curiosity. Do those others out there, do they really think that trying to survive is a shameful act? If so, why didn't they help? All that stuff they know, all those things they must have. Didn't it help any of them? She suspected not, but she still wanted one thing- she wanted to know the things they knew. She wanted to know what it was they knew about her that she didn't know. It seemed that no matter how many times she tried, she just couldn't see what would make their face contort so when they looked her way.

And so this run down place, with odd smells as foul as the sewers below had became over the last few days, her place of solitude. She had somehow stumbled onto the thought of leaving the block (though she couldn't remember just what had triggered the thinking) and that thought brought her to this place. It was the only place where she could stand by herself and feel like maybe, just maybe one day someone would listen.

She took a few step back, knowing she'd have to come back tomorrow. Knowing she shouldn't be seen. But she yearned for that courage. She wanted those things she didn't know. But she didn't have it just yet. She hoped she would tomorrow. Until then, she'd listen to the noises that came from that busy street, the one she never walked on. The one that might lead away from her small block.

The one that might set her free.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Small Blip of Words

I'm working on my book tonight, I'll post something more coherent tomorrow. I hope everyone's week is going well. In the mean time, I made Triana laugh today (although unintentionally). She stopped in my office and was sharing with me what all she did today and my response to her as I rolled my eyes at her was, "I love how you try to draw imaginary boundaries just so you can pretend that you're not doing something you know you shouldn't."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Always these songs remind me

The internet connection is down at the office today, so I get to spend most of my time here at the local coffee shop, Brewha, to get some of my work done. The radio here is playing older music from back in the 80's- one of them is Joey by Concrete Blonde.

Of course yesterday a more modern song was stuck in my head. Made me think of some things I suppose, it was Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park.

And as songs usually do with me, I started thinking of other songs that have left some type of impression on me such as I'll Stand by You by the Pretenders which accurately depicts my sorrows for those I've known who have already left this world by their own hands or those who've threatened to do so. Then when I read Rikkij's post yesterday, I was reminded of this song called Always on your side by Sheryl Crow and Sting.

They say that your sense of smell is the most potent and that it will trigger memories brought on by those smells that were a part of the memory- but for me, songs are that way.

For instance, Cyndi's Lauper's song Sally's Pigeons reminds me of Triana and I's long standing friendship, though we never met until her freshman year of high school. Just last night we were talking about our differences- especially our choices in who we've dated and so forth throughout our lives. Our conversation reminded me of the songs I believe and I Wanna Be There by Blessid Union of Souls. I had developed a serious crush on Eliot Sloan, their lead singer, when those songs came out back in my high school days. Then there's the song You Found Me by The Fray that reminds me of my vow to myself to make sure my telephone is available to any and all friends, no matter the time of day or night if they need someone to talk to. If they need Someone to listen.

And you know, I love this duet by Ray Charles and Billy Joel. There's something about music's ability to bring people together that makes me smile.

Its funny the things your mind gets to thinking about. I meant to post about something else, but music's not a bad thing to post about and neither are memories. Besides, I think I like the connection these songs make.

And with that I'll leave you with this song by Good Charlotte, We Believe.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sometimes...

Sometimes there are so many things i think of all at once.
sometimes I wonder where exactly we all are.
Sometimes it seems the world is too much for me
and sometimes I think I only think I need.


Sometimes I just want to stop and smell the soft breeze in the air.
Sometimes I like to dip my toes in a cool stream while sitting on a softened rock.
Sometimes there is nothing comparable to the view looking up at a tree.
and sometimes running runs the breath right out of me.


Sometimes a cicada's loud shrill in midsummer's eve reminds me of memories.
Sometimes there are flowers of cornflower blue that grow along our roads views.
Sometimes my hand rushes in excitement as I hand write a thought
and sometimes the day gets away from me uncaught.

Sometimes the smooth drops of warm rain feel like a cleansing bath.
sometimes it seems I could reach out and touch someone even through long miles of road.
Sometimes not knowing is knowing enough in the innocence of being naive.
and sometimes, just sometimes our lives become weaved.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Our Hands Work

My hands,
yours.
Its all the same you know.
What you do
what I do,
we've caused or been caused to do.
Either by action or in action,
inspiration comes from either
in so many forms.
Words transcend time
when written down,
and we are connected
to both the past and the present and surely
the future of those who read
our hands work.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Just one thing

I want to go see David Gray perform. He's going to be in Chicago in October, hopefully I'll have the funds to be able to buy a few tickets when they go on sale. I hope, I hope, I HOPE that I get to go. I love his music. And thanks to Natalie (whose family is currently battling swine flu, so please keep them in your thoughts) at Musings from the Deep for introducing me to his music.

In the mean time, I'm going to keep pluggin away on everything else that I'm working on. My hand is a bit tired as I've written several more pages in my book today. I'm determined to keep at it with my writing.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Crying on the Inside

My head hurts, making it difficult to write my thoughts down on here coherently. Its not often that my head hurts like this. I am thankful that I don't currently suffer migraines the way my mother does. But I will try to relay to you my thoughts as best I can.



My intentions in writing today started out with the line, "I don't say it much, but I do cry inside" but I couldn't get past that one line with the right words to express the meaning behind it, to say what is in my head. In real life its so hard for me to show emotion. I've learned to be self controlled, albeit may be overly so.

In conversation with a dear friend last night, I was asked how I was. It's a question that only a few friends of mine ever grasp that I don't always answer it. Those that can see through the answer I may give, know to dig deeper for the answer- that is if its an answer they really want. Most of the time its simply a starter to the conversation they wish to have and I know well they need a listening ear much more than I do, so I let them talk and tell me their stories, their thoughts, their fears. Very rarely do I ever say to anyone how I am. But I tried to last night.

Our conversation came around to something I hadn't really ever admitted to myself. We were talking about how much I wanted the world to care as much as I did. Of course, my friend reminded me that no one really cares, other than for the small world of people they keep close to them. But caring for strangers, that takes a different sort of thought.

So I asked, "Does that make me unique? Is there no one else who cares this much?" The reply was, there were very few who did. Even he didn't think he cared that much about the world, except for those few he chose to have around him. So I (in a mood to joke a bit to lift the serious tone) said, "Well then I guess I must have a different pysche then".

I appreciate his honesty, I truly do because more than anything I think the truth is the best gift anyone can give, though I admit seeing the truth often hurts. But I paused a bit in the conversation then and I thought, if that's true then I'm going to be one very lonely woman on this earth and I guess I'm going to have to get used to that, after I thought it I said to him, "You know I guess I'm a paradox of sorts. I love humanity with all I have, but I can't stand to be around a lot people."

I think that last sentence I said is because I love what humans were born to be and I hate the fact that we, many times over, disown ourselves. And that I think, is why I cry inside.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Healing and Absolution

Before you read my poem below, you should know that today our community was shaken by a sorrow that no child should ever have to bear. I debated and debated on whether or not to post about it. But, I think maybe I need to- if only to give a voice to the children who didn't have one for a long time. I'm glad though that these men have been caught and that they will stand trial for their actions.

I don't know if the story will make national headlines, but I hope if anything that it raises the ire of people enough for them to understand that even someone they thought was trustable, could be something so ugly they'd never know it was the same person. So that children might be better protected.

I admit I have issues with churches, but never with Faith. I believe in Faith. I believe in believing in people who need faith placed in them, but I'm not naive enough to not know that there are some people that faith should never be placed in, the scar on my skull reminds me everyday of the capabilities of a "church" and those who maintain them.

This poem is for the children involved in this. May they find comfort in those they'll need in the coming days.


Healing and Absolution


I need a hand, to fend off my grief
for it is greater than I am.
I need a shoulder to brace my fears
for they are leaving me to shake in the wake.
I need a prayer to believe in
for it must be faced with the eyes that see.
I need a wound cleaned of its festered rot
for it has grown outside of me.
I need more people willing to stand
to help me stand again.
I need those to believe my pain
so that I understand what was done.
I need you to see me
I need you to see me

I need you to never hurt me again.
I wish you never had hurt me,
Why did you ask me to trust you?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

12+ Hours

Sorry folks, so very tired today after more than 12 hours of work. Though my job consists of paperwork and using my brain, it often wears me out to constantly have my brain trying to work out problems, situations, or dillemmas. I sometimes think it takes more energy to think than it does to move around. Just a theory judging by the way I feel.

See you all tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Goals in the Making

I'm very pleased with myself right now.

I just finished hand writing another chapter of my book Kipleyarren. I was secretly despairing with myself that maybe I'd lost my ambition, that maybe somehow I'd let go of it. But it has always been in my thoughts, in my mind, wondering when I was going to write it down. It has taken me several months to really return to it.

Yesterday I went for a two hour walk. I was determined to make it to the end of the trail and back that runs through our entire little town. I was determined that under no circumstances was I going to allow anyone, myself included, from keeping me from focusing on my goal at hand. My goal was to reach the small and beautiful pond at the end of the trail. I realize now that my subconscious was trying to make me remember that I am a woman of my word and that I do reach my goals no matter what obstacles spring forth or what anyone close to me might say in regards to that.

During that walk I realized it was partially my anger that fueled my desire to reach the end destination. I realized how angry I am with my present circumstances and acknowledged to myself that my pending divorce, my mothers failing health, my this or my that- none of it was going to keep me from being me or from reaching my destination.

I turned many, many thoughts over in my head as I walked and I came to the realization that no one can save me but myself from my misery. So as I came to that conclusion, I reached the pond. I did it. I knew all along I could, but I had to prove it to myself. I had to know that I still had it in me to carry out a decision and stick to it. And I did.

The walk back was really nice because I had let go of what was eating me and starting thinking about what I wanted to accomplish with my life. From there I thought of certain friends and what they mean to me and then I started thinking in earnest what it was that i was missing from my book.

I reviewed in my head each chapter I already had laid out and began looking more closely at the story that was taking shape. And then it dawned on me where to start again with my writing. And as I walked back down that trail I thought through what I wanted the next chapter to hold and daydreamed about it a bit, letting it play out in my head like a movie, taking note of the details. Then when I reached my van I jotted down those ideas, in shaky handwriting that apparently happens when you've exercised more than your used to. But I was writing again!

And Whala! I feel like I can do this again in spite of everything going on around me. I hope I can continue to keep writing in it. I love this story, its starting to feel like a book I myself wouldn't be able to put down while reading it. Its starting to take shape and grab hold of me again. It's a wonderful feeling.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What's with Indiana??

A few days ago I was chatting with Double-Dolphin online and he asked me, "What's Indiana Famous for? Don't you guys have that race car thingy?"

Although I'm not that interested in Nascar, I did reply, "Yes. We have the Indy 500. And we also had Micheal Jackson and John Mellencamp." They were the first to come to mind. But here's another one for you DD- Axl Rose grew up here!

Also notable are these folks:
Larry Bird, "Red" Skelton, David Letterman, and Florence Henderson.

I'm inclined to say that people from Indiana have a taste for music and laughter. 'Course that makes me the oddball who loves to write. Well maybe not entirely seeing as how I do enjoy all kinds of music and according to my friends, I do occasionally have a sense of humor. But I'm not sure that's all from being a person born and raised around here.

What I do know is we truly have 4 seasons, though they never behave as they should, and our Summers and Falls are the most beautiful to see (or at least I've been told that by those who travel to here expressly for that purpose). I hate cold, but love the first snowfall- as long as it doesn't stick around too long ;-)

So, there you have it. Indiana at its finest or at least what I was able to dig up in a short period of time. Someday, maybe I'll add my name as a famous writer to that list....who knows. In the meantime, if any of you can think of some other interesting facts about Indiana- feel free to comment, I'm sure Double Dolphin's not the only one curious!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

All kinds of Weather for the Soul

My mind is in a strange place today I think. I did have a wonderful conversation with a very good friend last night, maybe that's what my mind is thinking over. On second thought, I think its that conversation and a host of past conversations with other people in the past.

I'm not sure I know the words on how to put my thoughts together. Its like strange memories but not quite memories, vaguely in front of me mixed with thoughts and ponderings on life. Almost like a hazy picture etched out in fog. And strangely enough, I'm hearing a series of songs on the radio here in the coffee shop that seem to echo my thoughts.

Songs like "Name" by the GooGoo Dolls or Nickelback's "If Everyone Cared" seem to strike a chord with me.

Going in a different direction here in my thoughts, but I suppose it doesn't help its been a dreary sort of day with spurts of rain and children with demanding tempers or all outright disobedience- all done with a smile and giggle planted firmly in their tiny beings.

Its amazing what my kids accomplished today, and looking back on it I suppose they've taught me that cleaning things doesn't have to be all work and no play. You see, they soaked each other with the hose after being told it wasn't quite warm enough out today for it. They broke a piece of furniture in which I was thankful that nothing more than their pride was hurt in all the screaming (and it is simple to fix so no real harm done other than my near loss of hair), my son soaked my bathroom with water and soap- the bright side of that is that my huge mirror in there has never looked cleaner, nor has the countertop after I cleaned up the mess with him taking his time out on the small bench beside my couch.

I'm beginning to think Sundays are just meant for kids to let their hair down and for moms to be pulling theirs out. All in all, it really wasn't that bad of day- just my mood out of sorts. Maybe all this stuff going on in my life is catching up with me??? I don't know yet. All I know is that even though the kids were quite the handful today, I still can't help but love them. I suppose that's the most beautiful phenomenon that seems to occur in the parent/child relationship. And, its definitely the one thing in life worth having.

Well that's it for me and my ramblings tonight. Raining out or not, I'm going to get a walk in tonight. Besides, its not just sunshine that's good for the soul- sometimes its other kinds of weather that is needed.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Musings

I've been trying to sort out my thoughts lately. Its been interesting. A good friend of mine has stopped talking with me as much as he used too and I haven't quite figured out all the whys on that, but I suppose that's just the way things go sometimes- people come to decisions or indecisions and I can do nothing to help them decide either way. Of course, in this case I don't know what's the dillema that can't be shared with a good friend. So I have decided to be patient and let it be. Time will tell its own secrets soon enough.




Another friend of mine has had revelations of her own and I suspect they have rocked her world and her own viewpoint of herself. My hope in that case is that she understands that while I don't have the same inclinations as her, it doesn't stop me from being a friend. A friend I know she'll need as she continues to discover more and more about herself and what that will mean to her.




My daughter has her first art exhibit in the local 4-H fair. I'm a bit nervous for her, but also proud. For only being 9, I think she has done an amazing self portrait of herself. Though she has paints, she chose instead to use pencil and crayon- it looks really good (in the opinion of me being Mom of course) and though I think it looks good, I did tell that since this is her first attempt, she may not get a prize. But that's o.k. I'm proud of her for being brave enough to show off her work to the world.


My mother has another diagnosis that has arisen from all the testing they've been doing. Not only does she have early onset dementia, but also pancreatis. They are still waiting on some test results to see how much damage. I am hoping this does not equate to pre-cancer or something like that.


And lastly, I'm reading a book called "Imajica" by Clive Barker. Quite a fascinating read. It has me captivated during the short intervals of time I have to read it.


Friday, July 17, 2009

A Ribbon of Breathe

Warm summer night,
a breeze on the air,
a ribbon of breathe
like a cold winter stare.

softly the night speaks,
as feet move across concrete,
a ribbon of breathe
like a lone martyr feels.

aching remindings,
of simple conversations,
a ribbon of breathe
like a heart's frozen tears.

Stars still stand still,
as the earth makes her movements
a ribbon of breathe
like a loss in silence here.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wonderful People Like You!

I was struck today as I read the comments on my last few posts. I thought, "Man, I have such wonderful and lovely friends on here." And so, I want to tell you each how much it means to me to have your friendship and your kind words:

To Shadow, Rikkij, Brosreview, Double-Dolphin, Syd, Noelle, Triana, and Laelah- you each inspire me to keep writing, to keep moving on in life, to keep a smile on my face even when I wish to downright cry. There is so much going on in my life right now that I wonder sometimes if I'm going to breakdown one day and not recover, but each of you have either written something or commented here or there that made sense to me, that held me up even when you didn't know that's what you were doing with your words. You are each helping me to keep my faith in the beauty of Life.

So here are a few pictures and thoughts for you each:

You each manage to do this for me everyday I'm blogging..
And I do try to remember these few words that Shakespeare said:


But you each have become friends that no one had ever dared to dream they could have and if there was one thing I wish I could do its this...


Thank you each for being You and for being my friend here in Blogland.

and I couldn't help but stick a funny one in here, but isn't this picture below hilarious????!!!



Have a wonderful night!!
EDIT NOTE: I was mortified when I realized how many people I left out in this post. I mean what would I do without Natalie, Fhina, Rab, or Spellbound? Indeed, what would my experience on here have been like had I not come across many, many minds of whom are not only brilliant and talented, but also kind. For that, I sincerely appreciate everyone I've come to meet and/or to know here on blogger. This post is meant for all of you!






Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What are Tears?

Tears are the carriers of each unwhispered thought,
of joys lost, of faith robbed, of lives lost, of dreams gone.


They carry goals pursued, the chases left behind, the paths overgrown.
Onward they fall as we fall, with each tear there is a cry, a hollowed out desperation.


Tears are also the carriers of every thought unspoken,
of longing to hold, of joys to share, of lives spent together or apart.


Gracefully they fall as we stand, with smiles planted, throats constricted,
hands held tightly, as the words we wished to say stayed stuck in our heads.


Tears are carriers of every emotion imaginable, they are our legacy
of what is, of what has been, of what could be, and of what is to come.


Unabashedly they come, sometimes unbidden, but never unwarranted
in the moments of a newborns cry, of a passing soul, of life is what they are.

Monday, July 13, 2009

More Pictures and thoughts on Life



Other than kayaking (which was a wonderful experience, relaxing and rejuvenating) Triana and I did some hiking afterwards. On the trail we came across this big tree that you see above. Over the years, it has borne the mark of carvings inscribed on it by those passerbys looking to stake a claim on a memory they hope to never forget, lest the world should do so.
And so, as we stood in awe and wonder at the size and significance that this tree supposedly now holds for each person who carved something, I asked Triana one question, "Why is it that even though we were only a few miles away from this State Park, why didn't we ever do these very things we are doing now? I mean really, to do what you've always said you were going to do in life (like our kayaking adventure) why didn't we do these things in High school?"
Her answer was,"You never realize when your dream is right in front of you and sometimes you'd rather run from them when they are too close to home."
So that got me to thinking and our pictures describe my thoughts perfectly.
I was thinking sometimes you look down the road of life and wonder where its going to take you.
and as you go along, you sometimes find yourself stuck in mud, mired in roadblocks that sometimes seem impossible to overcome.
and as you keep going, you start feel as though you've been struck by lightning and splintered beyond repair
Or you find yourself growing and learning in seemingly all the wrong places-just as this tree has planted itself in the midst of the Lily Pads.



But still, along the way you find beauty in the simple and beautiful things..





And Life's view still looks pretty sweet..



And wouldn't you know, you've managed to carve your mark in the roots of Life itself,


And you find that the road might hold suprises, might hold tears, but just as the Lily is a beautiful bloom in the water, so are you as you float above the trials of Life.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Kayaking is Awesome!

Triana above, Me below



Short post today, but Triana and I went hiking and kayaking today. It was absolutely wonderful! More pictures tomorrow! If you'd like a run down of our funny conversations today, go to her blog.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A Short Story

I'm in the mood to write a very short story. And while I'm typing this I'm going to listen to random music, starting with Mr. Bo Jangles. I haven't listened to that song in forever it seems, sorry for the video quality- I couldn't find a really good one on you tube. Then I think I'll listen to some Billy Joel or some other older music that I've been neglecting to listen too in a while. Enjoy my short prose below, or at least attempt to and I'll see you each later tomorrow maybe.

The Woman

The Woman looked around and stared.

This would soon be her new home, if only she'd sign on the dotted line. The view out of the too small to seriously be called a living room, was at best- a mere look onto pavement colored with the litter of cars parked out front and a vacant play area across the way. She opened the glass sliding door and stepped out onto the balcony.

From a distance, the balcony didn't look bad. But up close it was too much. Too much old paint chipping away from the wood. Too much dust and dirt making its permanent stain in the cracks and crevices and everywhere wood met with wood. Too much barrenness. She supposed a person could spruce it up with some plant life, maybe a small table and chair to match. She turned around and looked back in the living area, annoyed that the rental property manager didn't know how to leave a person be when making a decision. She tried her best to be politely quiet, hold her own tongue, as the manager wagged her tongue about how it would be a perfect place to start over.

She sighed inwardly, pissed at herself for answering the question about why she needed a place to begin with. Her gaze averted over to the unreal fireplace built into the wall, as if that made up for the lack of room. Less than 400 sq foot of living space- that was about what she guessed it to be. The kitchen was sadly situated, with the washer and dryer adjacently tucked into a small cubbyhole. Who in their right mind designed this place she wondered? She had never heard of laundry in the kitchen and where did they think you'd put all the clothes that needed washed, let alone fold the ones that needed put away?

She heard the annoying voice again, something about how it was all new carpet and vinyl flooring. Yeah well you all forgot about these damn appliances she thought, as she looked on the ancient electric stove that she guessed was from the early 80's era. The washer and dryer had the same problem.

What would she do with all her stuff? No closet space to speak of, barely any walls to hang family memories on, and a bathroom/bedroom number that made one shudder at the thought of trying to cram a dresser and twin bed in it. Of course, that would imply she had a bed to call her own and she knew the answer to that. The small couch she owned would have to do. Its just as well, she didn't really want to fight over a damn bed. It would've been more grief than it was worth.

She again tried to focus on the manager's voice, "So what do you think? You know I think I can get them to go down to $500 a month. That's a bargain you know. You could really do alot with this place, I mean you even have vaulted ceilings, your own private stairway entrance, lots of possibilities really."

Don't kill the sale lady. Didn't anyone ever teach you how to sell something to someone. The woman again sighed inwardly. It wouldn't do any good to try to voice her thoughts here. Besides, she noticed her sudden fascination with cuss words in her thoughts lately. She decided she needed time to think.

She looked around once more, headed down the stairway and out the door. The lady trailed after her and rattled on about how she could take all the time she needed. Here was her card she said, call me when you're ready to move in she said. I know you're going through a rough spot right now she said. Everything will be just FINE she had said.

The woman just shook the manager's hand politely...all the while thinking "Fuck you lady. Fuck you. What in the hell gives you the right to think you know that all about my shit." and the Woman walked away without so much as a look back. There'd be other places to rent. Damn lady.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A few lines to say

I've driven alot of miles today to get to a small town that I have to do a training session for work in the morning. I'm gonna get some rest, since its so nice to have a peaceful room to sleep in. See you each tomorrow.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Frustrations

A man walked into our office today and I was reminded of why I felt the need to share my life story with others, why I hope to maybe one day publish it to help promote awareness.

As I was talking with this man about Habitat, I was reminded again of the viewpoints people still, Still to this day, carry in their heads about others! Someone please tell me-What does the way a person looks, or how they grew up, or how little or alot of money they have, where they may or may not have come from, whether they have tattoos or not (that's me today since I didn't think about wearing a shirt to cover up the armband on my right arm), what gender they are, or what preferences they may have in their personal lives, tell me what does any of that have to do with who a person is on the inside?????

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Gratitude

Today has been a very long work day, so I'll keep my post short. Syd from I'm Just F.I.N.E. has posted a few things about what he's grateful for and I thought it was a good idea to put into practice. So here is my list, and while his list was short or "blort" as he called it, I believe mine may be shorter yet.

  1. My Kids
  2. my friends both online and offline, though few they may be.
  3. my work
  4. my belief that, in spite of my life challenges, all will be well with time.

Have a good night my friends.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Books and Poems Meet

I finally finished the book "This much I know is True" by Wally Lamb the other day. It was very good and very interesting. But I got to tell you its the other book I picked up that has my attention like none other right now.

"Rush Home Road" by Lori Lansens is one I'm having a hard time putting down. Truth is, I can't wait to find out what happens next as I turn page after page. Its a beautiful, heartwrenching story of an Elderly woman looking back on her life as she tries to help an abandoned child living in the same trailer court as herself.

The title of the book has inspired this poem from me:

Rush on home now,
to where the heart is tended to
and love sees no boundaries
unlike the world that once drew lines in history.

Rush on home now,
to where the truth is told,
and eyes see inside a person
for who they are and what they're truly made of.

Rush on home now,
to where your soul meets its match
and peace is found in the beating heart
of two who know without a doubt where home is laid.

Rush on home now,
Rush home to where you belong,
Rush home now,
rush home.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Varying degrees of Memories and Courage

I've been researching a book that a close and dear friend of mine is studying and hinted that I might want to take a look at. Its an old book, one not found just anywhere.

Anyway, it really hit home on some things. It reminded me of some people I once knew, some history I'd studied up on a few years back, and some long buried things that I have shuffled into the back of my memory shelf. I've been dusting off a few and re-examining them.

Its funny how the memories that aren't as old as, say the ones from childhood, are the ones that you have the hardest time looking at and they are the ones that seem the furthest away. I will tell you this research has re-awakened a knowledge I thought I'd left behind somewhere in the pages of my life.

I'm hesitantly researching this and yet I'm completely fascinated with it, as the subject still to this day fascinates me. But its also a subject that hits a somewhat sore spot in my memories. I suppose the point here isn't so much about the book itself, but that I've been reminded of some things. More to the point- I'm being reminded of things I like to learn about.


I also think that in addition to my writing, this researching will help keep my mind focused in the midst of all these challenging events that are also happening in my life. I still have some projects I want to finish, but its becoming clear to me that I need to find my focus again, to re-center again if you will. I will let you all know how I progress with that.

I did find it interesting that last night, as I went to sleep I had "the Scientist" by Coldplay playing in my head..I dreamed of that song mixed with varying images and scenery.. and then I woke up this morning with it playing over and over in my head, well actually it was just the one phrase "nobody said it was easy,no one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start" that played over and over. I almost think my own subconscious is trying to give me courage, courage to keep on moving.

Well, I'm going to write some more in one of my books and then maybe do some more research. have a lovely night my friends. See you each tomorrow.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

My Quote of the Day

I tend to review the recent events of my life in my head.This was my thought today as I was telling myself that I can do whatever it takes to get through some of my current challenges:

"Whatever life brings you, its always something you can learn from. So, learn all you can and make the most of what you're given. Today is the day you can change, not tomorrow and not yesterday. Keep on moving forward April, you'll find your peace soon enough. "

With that note, I think I'm gonna listen to a little bit of audioslave- specifically the song "I am the Highway"


See you all tomorrow.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Learning from Children

I learned two things last night from my two youngest children while we(Triana, myself, and our kids) were at the local park for the fireworks.

1. As I walked my youngest back to our van to do a neccessary diaper change before the show began, I scooped her up and pointed up into the night sky. Look at the moon V. See it? She looks all over trying to figure out where and what I'm pointing at. No V, look, follow Mommy's finger. See that's the moon up there. She finally sees it and crinkles her nose at me and says, "No its not Mom. That's a money up there."

2. Once the fireworks display started, I ended up with both my youngest two on my lap, covered up a with a blanket. After the first few fireworks, my son who is my middle child exclaims to me, "Mom aren't they beautiful? Wow. Mom look at that one, its beautiful."

I also learned that two year olds fall asleep during anything, including the grand finale display of fireworks.

Friday, July 3, 2009

If I may ask..

Well tonight is fireworks, so I'll be taking the kids out. Have a wonderful night everyone. Oh, and before I go-

If you haven't had the opportunity yet, please read the post before this one, I did finish the poem (although it turned out interesting and somewhat confusing I suppose, but I was trying to capture daydreams in words- not so easy to do). If you want, I would love it if you each decided to give it a go here in the comments and try to capture your daydreams in a poem as well. Lets see what each of us come up with shall we?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Finishing the Verse..hmm

Daydreams

Coffee shop, and things
Stream of daylight in the middle of starlight,
or maybe just an arm around the smallness
of me.
yeah, those are the things I sometimes dream

Shoes of miles trodden,
A face never seen but not ever forgotten
and maybe my hand reaching up to tell you
how much you mean
to me.
Yes, these are the things I sometimes dream

Desire of strong will
left in me that which speaks of endless passions
a fiery sort of phoenix wings it breathes
strangled in the night
of me.
Yes, those are things I sometimes dream

And always the daylight is caught
by the starlight, two crossroads
that blend into one road of traveled destinies
of you,
is who I sometimes dream