Tuesday, June 30, 2009
"Let the man of music sleep eternally with his fingers still strumming with vibrant passion of life"- Dibakar Sarkar author of the diary of a dead moth
"the freedom to live my life as I choose,without fear of being watched, followed and judged by the masses is more valuable to me than all the riches in the world"- Deedee author of Deedee, Cut Adrift!
"I was in denial, or I minimized my pain by saying, 'the devil I know is better than the devil I don't know' " Syd author of I'm just F.I.N.E.- Recovery in Al-Anon
"Children have the most delightful way of living completely in the moment"- Breeze author of Breeze Daze
"The bits of years, that lay hidden and closed off, are suddenly free."- K. Lawson Gilbert author of Old Mossy Moon
And lastly( but not least I assure you), Fhina author of the blog A Woman of No Importance emailed me a few days ago after I had commented on her page. She wished to tell me thank you and to pass on an award called "Palabros Como Rosas". I will have to translate that, since I'm terrible at reading spanish, but there is one line in her email I wish to share with you each:
"Time moves so swiftly, does it not, and things do change, particularly when we have loved ones to look after and care-take..."
Have a good night everyone, I'm totally wore out again. I've come to discover that Life isn't really so bad, there might be a lot going on that's both heartbreaking to the point of trembles and beautiful like that of a melody soothing your soul (all at the same time sometimes), but its still worth carrying on. Indeed perhaps its those very characteristics of Life that make it worth it. I don't know much I suppose, but I guess like you- I'm still living and learning.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I was at Deer Park, Big Chris was bartending, it was still daylight out (Sunday evening and I needed to wifi to get some things done and they have free wifi) and Chris could tell I was having a miserable day. After an hour or so, I was the only one left there and he says to me, "So how's things going with the home front?"
I just looked at him. He knew I wasn't going to answer that question. I'm a fairly private person, my personal stuff is my business was basically the look he got from me.
"You just need to relax and do things you like to do. That'll solve your problems for ya. Me, I just chill, hang out, you know. " You have to know Big Chris. He's about as harmful as your old stuffed teddy bear you used to sleep with when you were little. He's just a big guy who likes to have fun and he cares alot about everyone he knows.
He left it at that when he realized that I wasn't going to carry on the conversation. I'm like that with most people I don't know all that well -I just don't talk with them and the only reason I didn't mind being the only person in that bar with him is because he's Triana's friend who she assured me was "Good people". So far, he's the only guy friend of hers that I would classify as "Good People".
Anyways, he stepped out from the bar and sat down at the piano. Chris is a big guy and his personality in no ways shows any sign of being inclined to play piano. He played Fur Elise. I had no idea the dude even knew what that song was.
I piped up then, "Chris I didn't know you could play"
"Awe now, I don't. Not really, this is about the only song I know to play on here." He stopped then and went back behind the bar. He then asks, "Do you play?"
"I play what comes to mind, I'm not very good at it. Here I'll show you what I mean." and I walked over to the piano and played whatever my hands decided. You see I can make up songs all day long on a piano- it sounds pretty decent too, but don't ask me to play it again because I play by ear- by whatever my head hears. I don't have a clue how to read notes or how to actually "play" the piano, I just know that it is soothing to play whatever comes to mind sometimes. I miss that. And I realized that as I played.
After I stopped, he said to me, "That was good, I thought you said you couldn't play? what else can you do."
"I used to sing for lots of people. When I was little I'd sing for crowds. Wasn't too bad at it. Got terrible stage fright now. Can't hardly sing in front of others much anymore because of it."
"Sing. I'll turn the mic on. There isn't no one here. Show me what you got."
So, in a crazy moment- I sang. I think the pissy mood I was in gave me just enough courage to do it. Like I was proving to myself that I still sounded good in the mic. So I sang. I sang Angel by Sarah Mclaghlan and a few others. I'm good at ballads, terrible at fast paced stuff. But when I was done, he just looked at me. "you're a bit rusty, the stage fright is definitely an issue I can tell. but one thing's for sure- you need to be out there singing again. You got a damn beautiful voice. Its countryish, and I don't listen to country- but you girl, you can sing."
Triana about had a heart attack when she showed up later and he told her I sang without drinking a drop of alcohol. Maybe I'm making progress on the bubble space issues.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I love, absolutely love Sirface's music. They are very good, with huge potential. Last night was their new cd release party. Triana and I were late 1. because I didn't get done with the parade until after 8 and 2. because I had to wait on her to get her brand new tattoo on her calf done...she's completely random and does stuff on spur of the moment.
But, that's not the most humiliating part. I have a tendency to critique local bands and I discuss with Triana what I think they could improve on. Sirface has the potential to go mainstream-seriously. But before they just didn't quite have it together it seemed like, but last night they showed their true colors. Jared, their lead singer, delivered a performance that said they are in it for real, the man has some serious vocals. LOVE hearing him sing. I think I've dragged Triana to a few of their shows before because I think they are that good.
So, what did I do??? Well, I went up to the table to tell them what a great job they did ...but instead what came out of my mouth was, "Great performance, you sounded much better this time!" As if to say they didn't sound good before, Oh man- I wanted to hit my head on a brick wall and just say ok, I'm officially an idiot- where in the hell did that statement come from???
The look on Jared's face said well there's a real compliment, WTF???
Trust me when I say I proceeded to the nearest bartender and bought a drink. Apparently I needed my ass kicked, what was I thinking?! Triana stood there, mouth open in conversation to Jared, trying valiantly to save me from my dumbass attack.
Please though, if you're into hard rock- check them out and give them a listen, if you like them-let them know I sent you to their page. I would love to see these guys hit it big, they've worked hard for it.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I'm overloaded to be quite honest. Here's a random poem, I'm just going to let my typing go and sing out loud to myself and see what I come up with:
I am wondering when
will this all change.
I am always hoping
to find my way home.
I look for everything,
all these answers that I seek
but I don't see how
this will be alright.
Take some time and
think of all the memories
Trying to forget the bad
and remember the good:
the wagon rides,
the leaves piled high
Momma yellin supper's on,
better get a move on.
Can't change the time
or the signs that doctor sees.
Wish I could put my brother's
bottle down, show him all around-
give him courage to find his way.
Maybe then someday,
he'd find his children and
see two girls grown
they've gone and flown before his very eyes.
And silly me, well I guess I can't see-
because I'm always asking Why??
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Until then here's a list of some songs I'm interested in listening to right about now:
Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas
Turn My Head by Live on the Secret Samadhi Soundtrack
Falls on Me by Fuel
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Perfect by A Simple Plan
One Headlight and 6th Avenue Heartache by the Wallflowers
A Murder of One by Counting Crows
With the exception of that first song by Rob Thomas and the one by Snow Patrol, you can tell I'm in the mood for some older alternative rock music. Well, its not that old but you really don't hear them play these songs on the radio much anymore. Its kind of like comfort food- only its comfort music for me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
But, nevermind my problems, I'd like you each to take a peek at this blog to see what my Habitat for Humanity has been up too this week. You'll have to scroll down a bit to find the 2 articles that Jennifer (Talk of the Town's blog owner) wrote about our little Habitat, but it is exciting news to share! **clears throat, uh um... please ignore the pictures of me with frizzy, windblown hair, I promise I don't know who that is***
Have a good night everyone, I'll try to blog tomorrow as usual, but if something should not go well in the morning- look for me later in the week, as I will return when I can. Take care.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Worlds of different views
many perspectives, thoughts,
floating in the air of humanness.
sights of different hues
of brightly lit emotions, passions,
coloring the canvass of humanness.
Wonder of different glues
of friendships bridging pains, sorrows,
yet showing the marvel of humanness.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
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Friday, June 19, 2009
- I'm short- a whole five foot even, but that doesn't stop me from doing much of anything.
- I have a stubborn streak, I could blame it on being a Taurus but I have to be honest, I don't always put much stock in horoscopes/birth signs.
- I fail miserably at personal relationships, that's enough about that.
- I love to read books, I could sit and read endlessly for hours on end. That also happens to be my personal test for the novels I'm writing- I figure if I can go back and read them and I find them entertaining as though someone else entirely wrote them, then I've done a decent job so far.
- I have 3 beautiful kids.
- I work two jobs, but both are for Habitat for Humanity. One just happens to be with the county I live in, the other for the state I live in. I truly enjoy what I do for a living.
- My personality throws people off I think. I'm outgoing and fairly self confident at work, but not so much in the social scene, but I'm working on it (doesn't help that my friend Triana sincerely doesn't know a stranger when we go out).
- I love to travel, just not made of money enough to do it.
- There are some life changes I'd like to do that I can't just yet, but I will and am in the process of working on it slowly. I struggle with that, but I just don't see it happening anytime soon unless I win the lottery. Oh, yeah- you have to buy a ticket first for that to happen right??? Besides the crockpot theory vs the microwave theory always worked better for me. I'm just not an instant gratification sort of person (maybe that's why people don't get me, they can't see where I'm headed because its a route that takes too long for them?? hmm, just a thought).
- I believe honestly and truly that my two hands can make a difference in this world and I'm bound and determined to find a way to prove it to the rest of the world that they can do the same.
So now, I'm off with my kids to check out this Fox-Elipsus singer who is making a random appearance in my area. I'll let you know if he's any good.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I held my oldest daughter, who is closing in on 10 years old in a few months, in my arms for a good 10-15 minutes to reassure her that she is loved.
And I wrestled on the floor with my 4 year old son like I was 4 years old right along with him. After we were done, I laid on my back and lifted him with my feet, allowing him spread his arms and legs out in mid air to declare to me that he was "Peter Pan".
Its nights like these that leave your heart feeling like maybe, just maybe you're doing something right with your kids. I sure hope so, believe me I sure hope so.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I'll let you know in a couple of days or so how these go. They look very interesting and thought provoking.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I want to feel
not so alone on the inside.
I want to be
more than what I see sometimes.
Many say to me
but you're such a strong woman,
and I am.
But that doesn't stop a woman
such as me
from wishing to be understood,
from wishing to be held up and seen
for the human I am,
because I make mistakes.
And like you, I want to be loved-
Monday, June 15, 2009
If only my one good thing for me happens, what then happened to the 10 good things that could have happened for many other people? And what makes me think that I'm so much different from the rest of the world that I deserve something more than what others get?
A while back, a friend of mine said to me some things that really caught my brains attention. You see my selfish "one good thing for me" revolves around a personal issue and it is a want that i find hard to dispell sometimes. The friend was trying to tell me that I didn't need anyone else's affirmation that I was worth something- other than my own. And truthfully, down right out and out- I know that they are right.
But, like every other person out there wishing to find consolation on trying days, just once I'd like to know someone who understood why i do the things I do. Why others means so much to me and drives me to do as much as I can in one day, each day.
But I think that kind of understanding is a fairy tale living on another planet, because I'm not sure it exists here on Earth.
Thank you guys, my blogging friends, for taking the time to read this. I know I'm rambling on about my percieved problems, but I hope that your day went a hell of a lot better than mine. I hope that you were better at being respectful and non-angry at others who irritate you than I was today. But most of all, I hope that we each get better at thinking less of our own wants and desires and more about others needs.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
But, returning to my creative side today made me think of some things. Many people say magic doesn't exist in the world, but I ask myself all the time -If thats true, then how is it we are all able to imagine things and create things?
And further, I wonder- Isn't our presence here, our very existence a bit "Magical"? One could almost say that our existence is impossible, and yet here we are living.
and that then, gives me hope that the world is indeed a beautiful place to be.
So now I'm back in the office this morning working on things that need to be done before monday rolls around and you know, this is actually pretty relaxing- because I'm the only one in the office! The silence in here is a welcome retreat to the chaotic mess things were yesterday in here.
So before I go back to my working life, I'd like to share some funnies with you (ok, they may only be funny in my book so please bear with me):
My Boss is an endless supply of entertainment here at the office. We have a philosophy in here of always trying to keep things light in here because, well, we work together at least 50 hours + each week. Sooooo...having said that,we had one a visit from our wonderful and talented lady Hailey yesterday. Carl (my boss) offers to take us all out to lunch. So Michelle and Hailey pile into the back of his Honda thingy, and I in the front passenger seat. As we stop off at the bank to deposit some donations, Carl strikes up a conversation...
"You know Hailey I had to go in for a Colon Scopy a few weeks ago and before going in I was trying to determine how much this was going to cost me and you know my doctor didn't even know!"
"Oh, yeah.." Hailey was looking slightly confused, so I chimed in.
"He had a colonoscopy done. You should have heard the story I got out of him the other day."
Michelle chimes in, "Wait.. he had a colonoscopy? I thought he had a Colon Scopy!"
Hailey responds, "Uh, Michelle."
"They are the same thing, Carl just makes fun of everything in his speeches, there for he doesn't say it right."
"Oh." And all of us are laughing at this point. Then Hailey says, "Wait, April what story did you get out him?"
I reply, "Well apparently theres nothing like having your rump out and 4-5 women standing around you, pampering you. Not to mention that he figures there is nothing to be embarrassed about since these women work in a hospital so, any naked form that comes across their views is diseased anyway. Not to mention the anestetic apparently only works long enough on him to make him completely happy, scope the throat, and then he stared at the screen the whole time watching the doctors do their thing in his nether regions." Everyone laughing again, tears forming, Carl joining in of course.
Carl pipes back up, "and Yeah, they even had to scope out my throat and stuff too and the doc says to me- Don't worry we scope the mouth before the butt, I assure you."
We all couldn't help but laugh at this point, the tears rolling down from laughing so hard. The funniest thing was that we were at the bank window waiting for the deposit reciept ticket- the poor lady heard the whole conversation.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I know that you each know that I work with Habitat for Humanity, but I'd like to share a touching, yet very somber story. It is one of those kinds of stories that gives you pause for consideration- makes you re-evaluate the blessings in your own life and it truly reminds you that life is too short to not make it worth while.
Last March 2008, we finished a home for a family of five. A family I knew well. In October 2008, my dear friend Melissa Pletcher, the mother of this family, passed away from severe heart complications. We had went to high school together. She was 27, married and had 3 boys under the age of 6. Her last transplant gave her exactly one more year with her family. I spent a few hours with her in her newly built home about two weeks before she passed away. It was a conversation that I'll never forget.
Below is an article I wrote in 2007, one year before her passing, about Melissa's trying ordeal. At the time, none of us involved thought for a moment that she wouldn't be with us today. But her story, it taught me some valueable lessons, and I hope that you each come away from reading it with something more in your hearts for life than you did before reading it.
Habitat Mother Survives Second Transplant
October 26, 2007
by April Gerard, The Post and Mail
One's faith in life is often tested in a variety of ways. They say that without pain, you will not appreciate what makes you happy. If that's true, then Melissa Pletcher has experienced enough pain to appreciate many lifetimes of happiness.
A current Habitat partner family's mother, Melissa Pletcher, has had a hard road to travel in life. She had a heart transplant three years ago at age 23 because she couldn't fully recover from an illness that led to total organ failure when she was pregnant with her last child.
Four weeks ago she was admitted into the cardiac intensive care unit at Lutheran Hospital in Fort Wayne. She was told she needed another heart transplant done.
After tears of frustration and admitted anger, she was placed once again on that ever long waiting list. After her admittance, her heart rate began to drop and led to yet another surgery to install a defibrillator to keep her going until a new heart could be found.
On September 29, Melissa recieved news that a new heart had been found, nearly ten days after being placed on the list. And so that night started her second transplant that couldn't have come at a better time.
Keep in mind that this is a young woman, only 26, with three children who are all under 5 years old. I went to high school with her and I admit that this is not easy for me.
When she and her husband came in to fill out the application, it was the first I'd seen her since the day I graduated.
No one should ever have to go through this, let alone twice in a lifetime. I'm learning a lot about the hard times people go through here at Habitat, but I don't think I'm prepared to let a childhood friend go, so I hope and pray God gives her a miracle, one that heals her on the inside emotionally and physically.
Melissa has a strength in her that I may never know or even come to understand. She's got an understanding of the reality the situation that astounds me, makes me literally want to cry because I can't fix her, can't tell her that she'll see her boys grow up.
So far, her health predicaments are what I call a rotten pile of luck and I'd like to help change that for her.
Its these sort of circumstances that make you realize how fragile and how short life can be. Apparently when you think on something you miss long enough, you realize its the pain of not having it there that makes you want it back more. I hope that Melissa pulls through this again, I think we would all like to see her have a chance at life the way its supposed to be- starting with a decent, affordable house to come home too and call her own.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
So, to each of you I wish to Thank you for your comments, your encouragements, your friendship. May you each find that life brings you the best of things that really matter- the ability to live, love, and laugh.
See you each tommorrow!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
weary, right down
to the marrow of my bones.
of thoughts that function
into solid streams of conscious ideas.
So very heavy tonight.
In case you couldn't tell, I'm very tired and worn out tonight. I hope that this short little poem is at least amusing, if not interesting. Last week I traveled around the state, this week I'm in a ton of meetings and lots of papers piling on my desk (in fact,today I started work at 8:30am and didn't get done until 8pm tonight). I did take some time earlier in the afternoon to read up on some of the blogs that had been posted and I thank you each for your posts, they were a welcome treat to allow myself a short break in the day full of so many things that needed to be accomplished.
The good news is that I think in the next week or two, we will finally be able to start our 8 house project for the families I've been working with here at my Habitat affiliate. I will keep you updated on how well things go and maybe even post pictures of the builds. If you're interested in coming on over to help, just let me know..bloggers are always welcome to join the rest of our volunteers for a good laugh in watching me try desperately to hammer in a framing nail (it never works out real well for me).
Well, I'm off to get some rest so I can be at it again tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a good day and if not, well I hope there was at least one positive thing that did happen today for you.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I enjoy reading blogs and writing. As of late, I am missing some very talented writers and thinkers here on blogger. Some of them had such interesting ideas! And many of them are kind hearted, compassionate people (though a few would not dare to admit that).
In the last few months I feel saddened to say I've seen alot of bloggers go silent or dissappear from blogland altogether.
My friend Rab, however has made a brief post recently after nearly 3 months of silence it seems and I hope that he decides to continue sharing stories with us, he is not only a talented writer, but possesses a bit of humor and wisdom in him, which makes his posts all the more enjoyable to read. Double-Dolphin has only been a bit silent for a week, so I won't get too worried about him just yet, but do pay his blog a visit- he has a heart of gold in wanting to change his world over there in India. T.J. has also recently posted an interesting, yet somber post after about a month of being silent, but again, folks do pay a visit- he also is a most talented writer.
And these are just a few of the talented individuals I've come to know on here, there are many that I can't direct you too because their blogs no longer exist. So many individuals, men and women either distressed that maybe they didn't fit in here among us other bloggers, caught up in their real lives in the busyness of it all (leaving little time to do anything else), or they had explicit reasons for stopping blogging all together.
Whatever their reasonings are or were for stopping blogging, I just wanted to let them know in this post that I felt that they were worth reading while they were on here and that I hope to see them share their thoughts once again with the world.
But only when they are ready to, and if not well that's ok too.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I am doing fine really, amid the circumstances. I just sometimes want to think things out on my own. If there is one thing that I've learned in my life it is that my problems are my own and I am the only one who can fix it. But I will admit, sometimes it would be nice to be able to say nope, nothing goin on this way today.
Life it seems is happening all around us and sometimes I'd just like to just pause it for a moment so that I can catch my breath and say ok, now I'm ready-bring it on, whatever the next challenge might be.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I happen to like crows and I also happen to like reading up on mythology, cultural, and religious histories. For those who don't know, a crow in some Native American cultures is considered a blessing or good omen, not a bad one as is thought by so many.
A Crow Calls
Shivering and hazy thoughts
that encompass the world of
dreams broken and lives pushed
to the edge of sanity's line.
A crow calls and beckons thee,
telling you to remember
the sweetness of bitter memories,
of goals worth pursuing that took flight,
when you stopped in fear of the thunder
that rolled in your heart and the lightning
that beat through your veins.
The crow calls once again,
bleeding its voice through the haze,
seeping down in your soul,
to lift you up and remember what it was,
you came to do.
Uncomprehending, shaking in pain,
the fog barely lifts enough for understanding
in the nakedness of your soul stripped bare
from a trust you had given
in a way you didn't know you could do.
And when at last you begin to hear
A crow calls
to give way to one solitary feathered wing
lifting up your chin to say,
"Love. Love is all you have to do."
Friday, June 5, 2009
Never lose yourself, but remember that sometimes to find yourself you have to first lose yourself..confusing I know, but its true.
Never assume another's intelligence is measured by their age (lesson # 500,000,000 learned from my dear Triana and the endless discussions we've had over the years)
Never assume you know everything and never assume you will one day know everything. I strongly suspect that when our time is up, we will probably know less about life than when we started it.
Never give up on anyone, no matter what you have percieved them to be. You've not been in their shoes to see what you and the rest of the world looks like in their eyes and experiences.
Never be anything other than who you are.
My View of Love:
Love is a thing of muscle, not a mushy gushy pink thing wrapped in teenage hearts and fuzzy boxes or stuffed in the pages of unrealistic fairy tales of happy endings. It is strong, fierce, determined, thoughtful, fiery, constant and passionate.
It pushes and demands from us that truth be held up and that people deserve the right to be human- a creature full of misgivings and misguided intents, a creature that makes mistakes no matter how much we may try not to, a creature whose imperfections are the very beauty of what we are.
These qualities are why Love has the ability to change the world- nothing less is needed.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I've been in Bloomington (that's the southern end of Indiana), Lafayette(mid-west section), and now today was spent in Gary, Indiana. Did you know that Gary, Indiana used to be considered the #1 murder capital of the U.S. nation? Now, it ranks in the 3rd or 4th category..I think.
But, if you ever have the opportunity to drive through the town, you can see why. The town has severe economic issues, you see people walking around- but it has the feel of a ghost town. Run down buildings everywhere, abandoned lots, cars on the road that date back to the 80's, used and abused-just like the people who drive them.
The sad thing is you can feel that this once was a town full of pride, full of dignity and honor. A place where families were once raised and a place where dreams once happened. They have since lost much of their economic status, and much of it was gone overnight it seemed. But that was years ago, and it never really recovered. The strife and oppression that exists there lends its hands to the violence in the home and on the streets, which lends its hand to an unstable and uneducated work-force, which in turn continues the viscious cycle.
It shows that people without hope in their hearts and minds are people without a belief that they will get anywhere. They become a people without the faith in themselves neccessary to believe that it is indeed their own two hands that can change their world.
I know that in the end the way we treat others,the way we view the possibilites of what can and can't be done are the very things that need changed to make places like this once prideful town thrive again, but I wonder did anyone bother to tell the rest of the world that they have the power to change things with their own two hands too?
Well, if not, I am. This is me world, saying take a look around you- there is always something you can do to make a difference.
life isn't worth living if you don't make it worth while to live in.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
We do though. That's the beauty of us being such creatures called Humans. We seem to persevere in spite of ourselves. And yes, I do think we are our own worst enemy and in so many different ways.
I'd like to re-visit a poem of mine that I posted way back in January. This is the only work of mine that I've ever had published, but more importantly I think it reflects how we have to learn to look inside ourselves,and grow beyond what we've always known or what we've always been told. It is never an easy thing to face yourself.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I heard my father cursing everyone he knows
He was dangerous and drunk and defeated
And corroded by failure and envy and hate
There were endless winters and the dreams would freeze
Nowhere to hide and no leaves on the trees
And my father's eyes were blank
As he hit me again and again and again
I know I still believe he'd never let me leave,
I had to run away alone
So many threats and fears, so many wasted years
Before my life became my own
And though the nightmares should be over
Some of the terrors are still intact
I'll hear that ugly coarse and violent voice
And then he grabs me from behind
And then he pulls me back
But it was long ago and it was far away,
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway,
Then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are."
Lyrics from Meatloaf's "Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are"
I was listening to this song today and I felt a bit of irony in it. Aside from the childhood memories that it brought to mind, it also got me to thinking about life in general. There are so many things we each find hard to let go of, holding close to ourselves not only our percieved need- but also our fears. Fears of not being good enough, fears of failing, fears filled with empty promises remembered and overgrown paths that we once had forsaken.
You know, I think..I think that maybe the one thing I truly fear, is fear itself. But I've learned over the years fear immobilizes you if you let it. It can also teach you things about yourself, and if you're willing to face it (the fear) it will help you become a better, stronger, and wiser person.
Sometimes things you think are close to you, really aren't, but they can stir up feelings unlike anything else.
There is another song that I listened to today by Clear Grey, a local band from Michigan. The song is called Better off Gone and its the ending lyrics and how he sings them in a distant, emotional, almost whispery tone that sums up how I feel about our choice to hate or love:
"I fill my heart with lead,
your better off gone,
oh no, Oh yeah,
you might be better off dead.
I fill my heart with Love instead,
and your mine babe,
and you might be
Just sharing some of my random thoughts tonight. The weeks I travel around the state I tend to have a lot of time to listen to music and think out things. Have a good night friends, see you sometime tomorrow.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I guess that's better than the statement she made after realizing I didn't call her first thing over the weekend. She said, "You're shutting down again." and she was right.
over the last year and a half I have been blogging. Like Natalie from Musings from the Deep, its a therapy outlet. Everything I have ever written on here was my real thoughts and life happenings with the exception of my fiction novel work entitled "Kipleyarren". Even my poems deal with my dreams, events, ideas, and thoughts. Because of the way I use my blog, I assumed (perhaps wrongly so) that most other bloggers used it for the same reasons. I am a bit naive in taking people's words on faith. Triana says I don't question people enough and I say people don't put enough faith and love in others.
I mean that statement quite literally. I know that they say you have to love yourself in order to love others, but I've thought about that all my life. My experiences, the people I've known who have caused hurts in my childhood like no other- well they were damaged far beyond the damage they caused me. I think if someone had shown them HOW to love, how to have faith in themselves then maybe they wouldn't have done the things they did to me or my family. Maybe they'd have found a reason to love others enough so that they didn't loathe themselves.
But then maybe I'm a Dreamer. I guess that's why I care so much for others- I want to show them life doesn't have to be a mess, it doesn't have to be a violent opportunity waiting to happen. It only takes our very own two hands to change the world- because we are what makes up the world. In other words we are the world, so why don't we change ourselves?