Thursday, March 19, 2009

A little Venting

I am back home now.

I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of crying(I will explain that one in a minute), and a lot of reading. Triana, whatever in the world made you think I would be mad at you for your choice of words????
I haven't visited as many of my blog friends as much since I've been working alot...my apologies to all, I will remedy that situation in the next few days. I assume that you all would like to know whats going on over this way as I tend to be very quiet about personal circumstances. So in an effort to be a little more open, I will share this and it will explain my first sentence on this here post.

Thursday March 12, 2009- My husband and I had a seriously bad conversation. Triana was worried whether or not I would make it through the weekend unharmed. I will not disclose the details as to why, just know that he's never been a physically abusive man. Its other things about him that has her concerned.

Friday March 13, 2009- Work or at least try to. Go home, stay home for a change, and was accused of many things that are not in my nature to do.

Saturday March 14, 2009- Spent the morning with with the kids and husband. Tried very valiantly not to argue after hearing the comments directed to my son (he's a very sensitive kid, cries alot about everything, loves everyone). Went home, got ready to go with Triana to the concert I had forgotten about. Loved the concert, but was tired because I don't sleep very well due to stress and my M.S.; not to mention the fact that I got several phone calls explaining to me how very inadquate I apparently am, for I seem to do nothing right.

Sunday March 15, 2009- I had to work, so Triana had stayed the night at my house to watch the kids because my husband has worked every sunday for the last 9 years. He doesn't like her coming over, doesn't like any friends coming over. She, in an effort to help me out watched my kids and cleaned up my home for me. That's why she apologized to me. Because I got yelled at because I let her clean. All the way to her house that night I got 5-7 calls in less than 20 minutes telling me what I do wrong, how my friend is wrong. 9 years of this. Always the same. And I try to see his side, I really do, but anymore its hollow in here. I am constantly trying to figure out why guys seem to think I'm something to conquer or something to tear down, stripped of any thought that I might be worth something to someone. I just want to find some rest and peace in my heart someday. Is that too much to ask???

That night after dropping her off and recieving the last phone call from him, I backed into the nieghbors car because I couldn't think. Great. Called the police to make a report, talked to the neighbors who were very nice by the way, and headed back home afterwards all the while I had "Tennessee" by Clear Gray blaring over and over on my radio. I was just plain feeling a bit shattered. The nicest part of that day was an email that I got that made my head do a double take and left me thinking alot. I needed a walk, so I walked.

Monday March 16, 2009- Leave with my boss and his wife for Nashville, Indiana. Get several texts and phone calls on the way down. I had forgotten to leave the van remote key behind, but he did have a key of his own so it wasn't like he couldn't go anywhere. I was told that I now had to reimburse him for the vacation pay (he had saved his vacation for this week since I would be gone and he could be home-without me). Why, you might ask? Because in his mind by forgetting to leave the remote entry key behind, I had messed up his carefully planned out week. I should be more thoughtful, respect him more. I told him it was rude of him to call me and argue with me while I'm in my boss's vehicle where everyone could here the conversation and that his statement was rediculous. He compared my forgetfulness to that of a drunk driver. Someone please tell me how that correlates, because I don't get it.

I ended up overnighting the damn key to him because he wouldn't stop calling while I was at work. It cost me 13 bucks. For a key.

Tuesday, Wedsneday, thursday all repeats. Different arguements that amount to the same thing- I'm never going to measure up, to deliver as a wife should. Am I wrong to think this is my goddamn mind and body, those who I choose to share it with ought to treat it well?! I know I'm not a beauty queen, but this is all I have.

This is why I've given up on this thing. I want no more of it. I'd rather live alone than to have someone berate me constantly in this manner, leaving me to wonder what it is about me that's wrong. Forcing me to keep the bubble space, because I don't trust anyone enough to believe that one day my love, given just as it is, would be enough. That I would be enough.

I just don't know how to accomplish what my mind has already decided.

13 comments:

CLAY said...

This post has broken my heart Wing Seeker, it's not my place to interject, but your husband could care to be a bit more understanding.

Triana said...

Clay, it is heartbreaking. It takes time to come to the final conclusion, to give up the illusion that on your current path, life will straighten out & correct itself.

April, it was not the words I left in the comment that would stir you, but the ones I wanted to say - the ones not ready to be said, but I would say them anyway, if I were allowed.

Triana said...

Also, I find it alarmingly strange that we would both post in the same downtrodden mood today after not seeling or talking to each other since Sunday...

Natalie said...

Everybody deserves to be loved for who they are, April.
Especially you.xx♥

Shadow said...

damn, this is heartbreaking. i don't know you or your circumstances, but from your words here... it's destructive. to you. to be constantly tackled about being incompetent, inadequate, leaving you with baggage and feelings that are not yours to carry. 2 words, get out.

Natalie said...

April, I have been sad all afternoon, for you and with you.
It will not be easy, but neither is staying. I just want what is best and wonderful for you, and Triana too.

Wishing you both God's richest blessings and safe journey.xx♥

findingmywingsinlife said...

Clay, my dear- I would never want your heart to be broken, but thank you for caring as much as you do. Your friendship means a lot to me.

Triana,
Ok, look, this is why I have a hard time letting people know these things. I don't want my friends to be heartbroken!!!! I care for you guys way to much for that.

Natalie,
You are a kind and gentle soul. Bless you and don't be sad, in time I will find the right path for me- I am sure of it. Its just hard to do what you know you need to do.

Shadow,
There was a time when I thought those words were the easiest words to follow through on. I now understand why it is not as easy as it sounds. I actually understand my mother better now because of this.

For everyone,
Thank you all for your kindness and compassion. I will find a way to weather the storm, I always do. You guys are the most wonderful people I've had the privilege to know! Bless you all.

Breeze said...

I don't know you but there was a moment after I left a similar relationship 9 years ago now where I was all alone in an empty apartment, children sleeping, no television, barely any furniture and I looked around and felt for the first time in 11 years, something elusive and precious~peace.

I hope you find some soon. I'm a stranger on the internet who can only say your story is my story. When it gets harder to stay than to leave, you'll leave. I think it's got to be close now.

Breeze

Breeze said...

I've been thinking of you. While I can't help you with the how of things I'd like to invite you to read my blog post today. It might help reinforce the why of things

Take care
www.breezedaze.blogspot.com

Breeze

Double-Dolphin said...

This may sound a little presumptous coming from a stranger.

Found you through Breeze's blog. Your post was truly heartbreaking. But, I think, whatever you've decided, is the best decision under the circumstances.

Best of luck!

findingmywingsinlife said...

Breeze,
Thank you for your support, it is much appreciated.

Double-Dolphin,
I don't find it presumptious, just seems to me that you felt the need to show your support- for that I thank you.

Wow. Guys, bloggers are some of the most supportive and endearing friends a woman could ever ask for. I humbly say thank you, though it doesn't nearly do enough justice in showing how this makes me feel as you each voice your support and caring thoughts!

findingmywingsinlife said...

Double-Dolphin,
Just one more thing, I went back to read breeze's post again and found your dialogue with her in the comments..I didn't know others could feel just as angry as I do. Breeze is right- you have a lot more compassion than you think you do.

And since you seem to have a song association for everything, check out Clay's blog M.IV- we both write on there and I share my life chronicles with his audience and each post has a song to fit the post with it. He has been the kind of friend to me that I never knew could exist outside of the friendship I have w/ Triana.

Double-Dolphin said...

@ April - thank you for the kind words. I shall check out the blog. But for now, I shall tell you that you have made the right decision, and I hope you find the strength inside you to take that decision forward. There will be moments of weakness. The physicist Richard P. Feynman says, that once you are away from someone, it is easy to forget why you left that person. You remember only the pleasant things, and try to get back together. But once you do, you realize in no time why you had left the person in the first place. Be strong. Find a better life, for yourself, and for your children. I shall try and help in whatever little way I can.

I want to break free,
I want to break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied I don't need you,
I got to to break free,
God knows, God knows I want to break free - Queen