I am back home now.
I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of crying(I will explain that one in a minute), and a lot of reading. Triana, whatever in the world made you think I would be mad at you for your choice of words????
I haven't visited as many of my blog friends as much since I've been working alot...my apologies to all, I will remedy that situation in the next few days. I assume that you all would like to know whats going on over this way as I tend to be very quiet about personal circumstances. So in an effort to be a little more open, I will share this and it will explain my first sentence on this here post.
Thursday March 12, 2009- My husband and I had a seriously bad conversation. Triana was worried whether or not I would make it through the weekend unharmed. I will not disclose the details as to why, just know that he's never been a physically abusive man. Its other things about him that has her concerned.
Friday March 13, 2009- Work or at least try to. Go home, stay home for a change, and was accused of many things that are not in my nature to do.
Saturday March 14, 2009- Spent the morning with with the kids and husband. Tried very valiantly not to argue after hearing the comments directed to my son (he's a very sensitive kid, cries alot about everything, loves everyone). Went home, got ready to go with Triana to the concert I had forgotten about. Loved the concert, but was tired because I don't sleep very well due to stress and my M.S.; not to mention the fact that I got several phone calls explaining to me how very inadquate I apparently am, for I seem to do nothing right.
Sunday March 15, 2009- I had to work, so Triana had stayed the night at my house to watch the kids because my husband has worked every sunday for the last 9 years. He doesn't like her coming over, doesn't like any friends coming over. She, in an effort to help me out watched my kids and cleaned up my home for me. That's why she apologized to me. Because I got yelled at because I let her clean. All the way to her house that night I got 5-7 calls in less than 20 minutes telling me what I do wrong, how my friend is wrong. 9 years of this. Always the same. And I try to see his side, I really do, but anymore its hollow in here. I am constantly trying to figure out why guys seem to think I'm something to conquer or something to tear down, stripped of any thought that I might be worth something to someone. I just want to find some rest and peace in my heart someday. Is that too much to ask???
That night after dropping her off and recieving the last phone call from him, I backed into the nieghbors car because I couldn't think. Great. Called the police to make a report, talked to the neighbors who were very nice by the way, and headed back home afterwards all the while I had "Tennessee" by Clear Gray blaring over and over on my radio. I was just plain feeling a bit shattered. The nicest part of that day was an email that I got that made my head do a double take and left me thinking alot. I needed a walk, so I walked.
Monday March 16, 2009- Leave with my boss and his wife for Nashville, Indiana. Get several texts and phone calls on the way down. I had forgotten to leave the van remote key behind, but he did have a key of his own so it wasn't like he couldn't go anywhere. I was told that I now had to reimburse him for the vacation pay (he had saved his vacation for this week since I would be gone and he could be home-without me). Why, you might ask? Because in his mind by forgetting to leave the remote entry key behind, I had messed up his carefully planned out week. I should be more thoughtful, respect him more. I told him it was rude of him to call me and argue with me while I'm in my boss's vehicle where everyone could here the conversation and that his statement was rediculous. He compared my forgetfulness to that of a drunk driver. Someone please tell me how that correlates, because I don't get it.
I ended up overnighting the damn key to him because he wouldn't stop calling while I was at work. It cost me 13 bucks. For a key.
Tuesday, Wedsneday, thursday all repeats. Different arguements that amount to the same thing- I'm never going to measure up, to deliver as a wife should. Am I wrong to think this is my goddamn mind and body, those who I choose to share it with ought to treat it well?! I know I'm not a beauty queen, but this is all I have.
This is why I've given up on this thing. I want no more of it. I'd rather live alone than to have someone berate me constantly in this manner, leaving me to wonder what it is about me that's wrong. Forcing me to keep the bubble space, because I don't trust anyone enough to believe that one day my love, given just as it is, would be enough. That I would be enough.
I just don't know how to accomplish what my mind has already decided.