Saturday, March 21, 2009

Feeling the need to say...

I am one hell of a stubborn woman.

I'm betting Triana would call it more like taking on the freight train head on and living through it or something like that.

For this reason I have developed a sense of taking things one step at a time, making sure that the direction I want to go is the right one for me and for those I care about. I analyze everything, maybe overly so. Very rarely do I ever do anything that I feel to be important on an impulse. My childhood nickname Turtle fit me for a lot of different reasons. I think that's why Triana & I get along so well, she'll ask why the impulsive decision didn't work and I'll ask why in the hell the well thought out plan didn't. We both think the other could use a dose of each- she thinks I need a little impulsiveness, and I think she could use a little steadying of her steering wheel. We don't think alike, but we sure do have a lot of laughs together!

It has taken me well over 2-3 years to come to the conclusions I have (and not just the one about my situation either). But, once I make a decision, its damn hard to convince me otherwise. Like returning to my creativity, that's something I should have never let go of and I still intend on making a lot of my childhood dreams come true. Regardless of what others think of my way of thinking. I've never believed much in mainstream popular beliefs anyway, which is what I think the whole "grow up and be responsible, stuff away your dreams for nighttime slumbers" crap is. I firmly believe that it is my responsibility to show my own children that dreams can be had. To show myself that they can be had. To give that belief back to the world that they can be had.

And I am tentatively starting to believe something else, though I'm not sure of it yet..time will tell on that one I suppose. I do believe if something is meant, it will take its own time in doing so and patience is something wise with purpose behind it.

I got to ask this one question of you all though.. Last night I was asked what it was I wanted. I, out of this feeling of "what do I have to lose" stated I just want to come home and be at peace, is that too much to ask? Apparently it is too much to ask and I was told it doesn't exist. Honestly, I think he's wrong, but what do you guys think? I may not have found it myself, but I do believe that it does exist for some people. Maybe that's me holding on to a fairy tale, but I don't think so. Even Natalie's story has a sense of peace to it, like at the end of the day- even if they've gotten mad at one and another for something, they still feel at peace knowing they have each other. Have I got it about right Natalie?


Natalie said...

Absolutely right, April.
We are best friends, and I try to treat him with the same respect as I would if he were one of my other friends.
Sometimes, I make mistakes - as does he, but we always get back to that central core of love, respect and honour.
The basis is gratitude. We are profoundly grateful to have found each other.
Anything is possible, April, dreams can, and do come true. However, the ride was truly difficult from when I left my marriage, until the day I met Mark.

It won't be easy, but you can do it my little freight train.xx♥

Breeze said... life is full of joy and peace...almost all of the time..there is such a deep respect between me and my partner because we each make that the thing we want for the other...I mean the house is can't have 3 kids around and not have noise...and occasionally we make mistakes..but it's very occasionally. We've never called each other names or sworn at each other but is no underlying negativity or violence or anything that is truly the antithesis of a peaceful life.

Yes it is absolutely possible. And not only that you are absolutely and unequivocably entitled to it.

Shadow said...

oh man, i do so hope there is that place called peace at home. if not, it wouldn't be home, right??? it's not always there, needs tending and mending sometimes, but overall, yes, home = peace...