Saturday, March 28, 2009

What a Wonderful Day!

Pam and I had a marvelous evening catching up, swapping stories, and showing off pictures to each other. I played her piano (which she says her and Nick never use) or made stuff up on it I should say since I don't really know how to play piano, I made friends with her two dogs Apollo and Aries. Aries apparently doesn't usually like strangers (he's a rescued dog) but him and I get along so well, that he follows me wherever I go in the house. Their cat, Aphrodite, doesn't quite know what to think of me just yet, but I understand she's a bit of a fickle cat.
Pam is an excellent cook and loves to entertain, so we had steak, potatoes, and a wonderful cheesy vegetable casserole thingy that she made. She even made me a pomegrante/vodka drink of which I love!
We talked about a lot of things. It was good to unwind and visit. I'm really liking this vacation thing.
Tommorrow, I will be driving the rest of the way down to the area of Florida where my brothers live. On the phone yesterday while driving down, my brother informed me that his mom is getting remarried tomorrow- she just now decided to do this. I didn't even bring a proper outfit to wear to a wedding! Just jeans and tank tops in that suitcase of mine. Maybe Pam has something I can borrow for the day...

Well, I'm fairly tired and excited at the same time. This has been a great time so far.

A long post is coming...

I have started my vacation days!!!!!

I arrived here at my friend Pam's house at nearly 4 am, I left my small town in Indiana at 2:30pm...needless to say it was a long drive, but well worth it. I will see what I can do about posting pics and telling you all about our reunion! We haven't really seen each other in about 4-5 years!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I feel like a little kid let loose in a candy shop!!!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

For My Blogger Friends Who have given so much to me

I'm very frustrated. Have been for a while now. But I'll manage, I always do. On the bright side of things, this time last year I spent nearly a week in the hospital. I'm greatful for my current mobility and health right now, but I just want to breathe. I'm actually thinking of putting my resume out and seeing where I land. That's a thought that needs some careful thinking through though. So we'll see.

For now, as a way to express how I feel....



here is a music video of the band Coldpay performing "Fix You"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r259kFx3l7g








and....instead of focusing on the challenges (of which I will overcome once I get over feeling as I do) I want to point out some very awesome people.


This may be a lengthy list, but each individual has contributed in some way to my health and mental well being without knowing it. How you might ask? They leave comments, post thoughts,and write about things that are truly inspiring. They help re affirm for me my faith in human kind.


Clay- my dear, as you know, sometimes there just aren't enough words in the world to say how I feel. You've given me much more than any woman ever dared to hope for. You gave me my faith in myself back and you understand more than most. For that, I'm not sure I could ever repay such kindness.


Nick- You my friend, are already someone important to the world. The compassion, friendliness, and wisdom of youth and innocence you exude is infectious and neccessary. May you always pass along such optimism to others.


Alan- Though a bit quiet, what you do post catches my attention. Your always contemplating something, sharing a little bit at a time.


Natalie- You woman, are indeed a treasure to the world. Thank you for both you musing on blogger and in emails. What would the world do without your wit, compassion, and friendship?


Breeze- Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you again. I return to your blog every now and then to re read the insightful posts you have to offer. And your support in my seeming impossible trials currently have meant more than you know.


Double Dolphin- Though you are new to my blog, I have found you to be a wonderfully kind person. Thank you as well for your support in my trying times.


Colonel/Alexandre Fabbri (one and the same)- though I think we sometimes have different viewpoints, your thoughts are no less impactful or valued and have given me much to think about. Thank you for all that you've shared.


Shadow- What a wonderful gift to have your support and thoughtful comments upon my blog! I am truly grateful to have met you on here.


Lynette- My first follower and a much faster writer than myself, Lynette has offered words of wisdom on more than one occasion.


The Pink Cowboy- You have a way with expressing yourself and making yourself heard. Such wisdom in your head!And compassion like none other, I think.


Noelle- Your poetry speaks so many things to me and you have given your support throughout everything I've shared on here, thank you for your friendship.


Spellbound- To try to see things from anothers perspective is perhaps the most difficult thing to do and you have done your best to place yourself in my shoes as you read through the chronicles on M.IV. Thank you for your kindness.


Rab- You my friend are another person of uncommon wisdom. I am honored to have you as a friend.


Barry- You have left comments on M.IV that brought tears to my eyes (good ones I might add), I did not know others could be affected so much by my story. Thank you for following along with me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tears that don't go away, locked inside for fear they might fall from my eyes.

I'm not in much of a blogging mood, actually I'm not in a really good mood at all, but here's a photo of my son that I played around with today. It at least made me smile. I could use some smiles right now. And yes, he had wings on from my oldest daughters halloween outfit a few years back...I caught him while running through the house...


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Go Ahead Laugh, I know I am!

Usually when I need to transfer pictures from my phone to my laptop, Triana and I just swap sim cards and she emails the pics from my phone...but apparently when a 1/2 pitcher of Killian's is entered into her body, I become more technically advanced than she is (which is sad, because technology is not my friend- take a look at how boring my blog page is)

Anyway, she opens her phone, takes out the battery, memory card, and sim card. Sets the sim card down and gets a confused look on her face, which diminishes quickly as she proceeds to turn off my phone and insert her memory card in it. After which she complains about how long its going to take to transfer each picture one at a time....

of which I replied, "Why didn't you put your sim card in it? That's what we did the last time?"

She says with her finger up to her mouth, "Oh, that's why I put my sim card on the table!"

She then opens up the phones again, puts the sim card in my phone and puts on the back of the phone back on- with the battery sitting on the table.

"Uh, Triana, I don't think it will work without the battery..." We both died laughing.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Memories

You know, my best friend and I do spend alot of time together- usually. We are so much like sisters its unreal. Here lately we've both been busy with life and such that we really haven't spent anytime together in the last week and half. But I must confess, there is a slightly selfish reason that I like to spend so much time with her. She's leaving for Louisville, KY sometime after my birthday in May. Its where she needs to be, I get that and I would never want her to do something to the contrary of that. But man, I wonder what will I do?

She helps me see what parts of me need healing. Helps me to meet others outside of my workplace, helps me to feel a bit free when I need it. Helps me sort out this confusing mess in my head, encourages me when I feel like I can't do this anymore. She's been a friend like no other. Even goes to concerts with me! I LOVE music! She's even the one who introduced me to blogger, so its because of her I've met all you wonderful people!

I suppose I'm sounding quite mushy at the moment, but its a very depressing thought to know here in a few months there won't be anyone around for me to drive to when I'm so frustrated or in tears.
Also, today, I was going through some old boxes sitting in my book room. I've been trying to search for that short story called "To Be Joy" that I mentioned I would share with you all once I found it. Well, I wasn't successful in finding that story yet, but I have found tons of letters from high school, several notebooks filled with poems and songs I've written over the years, a bottle of sage with some prayer letters I wrote for some friends of mine way back when, and lots of doodles and drawings I've done.
I guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic right now and maybe slightly depressed or worried. I'm not sure what it is that's got me down right now. I'm ok though, I'm not falling apart yet :)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

My thoughts tonight

Was it a dream or something tangible and real? I know it was the latter, but it still feels like a dream. Two hours of walking and talking. A conversation of honesty and friendship.
I tend to walk alot at night when the weather warms up around here, it helps me think and unwind for the day. It's been an interesting and suprising weekend. I've learned some things about myself and my inner strength that I didn't know before.

I need to get out and get some fresh air, so off I go on another walk. Hope everyone has a great start to their week!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Feeling the need to say...

I am one hell of a stubborn woman.

I'm betting Triana would call it more like taking on the freight train head on and living through it or something like that.



For this reason I have developed a sense of taking things one step at a time, making sure that the direction I want to go is the right one for me and for those I care about. I analyze everything, maybe overly so. Very rarely do I ever do anything that I feel to be important on an impulse. My childhood nickname Turtle fit me for a lot of different reasons. I think that's why Triana & I get along so well, she'll ask why the impulsive decision didn't work and I'll ask why in the hell the well thought out plan didn't. We both think the other could use a dose of each- she thinks I need a little impulsiveness, and I think she could use a little steadying of her steering wheel. We don't think alike, but we sure do have a lot of laughs together!



It has taken me well over 2-3 years to come to the conclusions I have (and not just the one about my situation either). But, once I make a decision, its damn hard to convince me otherwise. Like returning to my creativity, that's something I should have never let go of and I still intend on making a lot of my childhood dreams come true. Regardless of what others think of my way of thinking. I've never believed much in mainstream popular beliefs anyway, which is what I think the whole "grow up and be responsible, stuff away your dreams for nighttime slumbers" crap is. I firmly believe that it is my responsibility to show my own children that dreams can be had. To show myself that they can be had. To give that belief back to the world that they can be had.

And I am tentatively starting to believe something else, though I'm not sure of it yet..time will tell on that one I suppose. I do believe if something is meant, it will take its own time in doing so and patience is something wise with purpose behind it.

I got to ask this one question of you all though.. Last night I was asked what it was I wanted. I, out of this feeling of "what do I have to lose" stated I just want to come home and be at peace, is that too much to ask? Apparently it is too much to ask and I was told it doesn't exist. Honestly, I think he's wrong, but what do you guys think? I may not have found it myself, but I do believe that it does exist for some people. Maybe that's me holding on to a fairy tale, but I don't think so. Even Natalie's story has a sense of peace to it, like at the end of the day- even if they've gotten mad at one and another for something, they still feel at peace knowing they have each other. Have I got it about right Natalie?

The Kids and Me

I'm in a bit of a writing mood today. It's nap time for the kids, we've had an excellent day just me and them! My husband is gone for the day. I took them out to the mall in Fort Wayne because they wanted to ride the giant Carousel that's there. We ate at the food court, walked around a bit for some exercise. No stressers. Even the kids remarked on how great the day seemed to be going. Here in a bit we may even take a drive out to my mom's and see how things are fairing that way- they love going out there when its nice, because then they can play outside to their hearts content.

I did not get a chance to tell you about the good things that happened while I was working down in Nashville. First off, my good friend Hailey is one of the most awesome souls ever, who shared with me some difficult things about her past as we hiked 2.5-3 miles in Brown County State Park during the two hours we had free. All this in an effort to show me how much she cared.
Secondly, I met a great gal named Falguni Vyas. She works for Habitat International's marketing dept and she kindly shared some insights of the Hindi beliefs, specifically things about Krishna that I hadn't understood. We got along marvelously well, I look forward to getting together with her at another Habitat Conference in the future.
Thirdly, I did enjoy visiting with Habitat staff and volunteers that I don't get to see on a regular basis. In fact, I always enjoy the banter, the ribbing, and the atmosphere at most of the conferences I've been too that have been for work. There is always much to learn at these and I welcome the updates.

Well kids are rousing, so I need to head off. I might just post a few more thoughts today as I get time, but for now I'm enjoying the peacefulness with my kids.

Friends

My kids and I were watching Reading Rainbow this morning (I didn't even know they still had that show on for kids!) Anyway, it was about friendships and such and the line he said at the end caught my attention and made me think of each of you and the friendships I'm so lucky to have in this moment of time. He said:

"Friends are like gifts. If you take the time to unwrap them, you might find more treasure than you ever could have imagined."

Friday, March 20, 2009

Something interesting

I found this poem today, looking back on my journal. Trying to find answers in things I've written down over the last several years. This poem was proceeded by a lengthy entry that I made in June of last year. Here it is for you:

Footsteps of Life

I remember seeing
What my parents became
And I remember saying
I'll never be the same.
I watched on as Life
made them toss away
Their dreams that once
had held its sway.
Knowing this
I vowed to be
Something more
than most could see.
Its not so much a wanting
of my children to emulate me,
but more of them watching my footsteps
and choosing theirs more carefully.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A little Venting

I am back home now.

I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of crying(I will explain that one in a minute), and a lot of reading. Triana, whatever in the world made you think I would be mad at you for your choice of words????
I haven't visited as many of my blog friends as much since I've been working alot...my apologies to all, I will remedy that situation in the next few days. I assume that you all would like to know whats going on over this way as I tend to be very quiet about personal circumstances. So in an effort to be a little more open, I will share this and it will explain my first sentence on this here post.

Thursday March 12, 2009- My husband and I had a seriously bad conversation. Triana was worried whether or not I would make it through the weekend unharmed. I will not disclose the details as to why, just know that he's never been a physically abusive man. Its other things about him that has her concerned.

Friday March 13, 2009- Work or at least try to. Go home, stay home for a change, and was accused of many things that are not in my nature to do.

Saturday March 14, 2009- Spent the morning with with the kids and husband. Tried very valiantly not to argue after hearing the comments directed to my son (he's a very sensitive kid, cries alot about everything, loves everyone). Went home, got ready to go with Triana to the concert I had forgotten about. Loved the concert, but was tired because I don't sleep very well due to stress and my M.S.; not to mention the fact that I got several phone calls explaining to me how very inadquate I apparently am, for I seem to do nothing right.

Sunday March 15, 2009- I had to work, so Triana had stayed the night at my house to watch the kids because my husband has worked every sunday for the last 9 years. He doesn't like her coming over, doesn't like any friends coming over. She, in an effort to help me out watched my kids and cleaned up my home for me. That's why she apologized to me. Because I got yelled at because I let her clean. All the way to her house that night I got 5-7 calls in less than 20 minutes telling me what I do wrong, how my friend is wrong. 9 years of this. Always the same. And I try to see his side, I really do, but anymore its hollow in here. I am constantly trying to figure out why guys seem to think I'm something to conquer or something to tear down, stripped of any thought that I might be worth something to someone. I just want to find some rest and peace in my heart someday. Is that too much to ask???

That night after dropping her off and recieving the last phone call from him, I backed into the nieghbors car because I couldn't think. Great. Called the police to make a report, talked to the neighbors who were very nice by the way, and headed back home afterwards all the while I had "Tennessee" by Clear Gray blaring over and over on my radio. I was just plain feeling a bit shattered. The nicest part of that day was an email that I got that made my head do a double take and left me thinking alot. I needed a walk, so I walked.

Monday March 16, 2009- Leave with my boss and his wife for Nashville, Indiana. Get several texts and phone calls on the way down. I had forgotten to leave the van remote key behind, but he did have a key of his own so it wasn't like he couldn't go anywhere. I was told that I now had to reimburse him for the vacation pay (he had saved his vacation for this week since I would be gone and he could be home-without me). Why, you might ask? Because in his mind by forgetting to leave the remote entry key behind, I had messed up his carefully planned out week. I should be more thoughtful, respect him more. I told him it was rude of him to call me and argue with me while I'm in my boss's vehicle where everyone could here the conversation and that his statement was rediculous. He compared my forgetfulness to that of a drunk driver. Someone please tell me how that correlates, because I don't get it.

I ended up overnighting the damn key to him because he wouldn't stop calling while I was at work. It cost me 13 bucks. For a key.

Tuesday, Wedsneday, thursday all repeats. Different arguements that amount to the same thing- I'm never going to measure up, to deliver as a wife should. Am I wrong to think this is my goddamn mind and body, those who I choose to share it with ought to treat it well?! I know I'm not a beauty queen, but this is all I have.

This is why I've given up on this thing. I want no more of it. I'd rather live alone than to have someone berate me constantly in this manner, leaving me to wonder what it is about me that's wrong. Forcing me to keep the bubble space, because I don't trust anyone enough to believe that one day my love, given just as it is, would be enough. That I would be enough.

I just don't know how to accomplish what my mind has already decided.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Eating my own words

As we talked today and grabbed some lunch, Hailey made an interesting observation of me:

"So, what you're saying is that its o.k. for you to worry about your friends and those you care about, but its not o.k. for them to worry about you?"


Hmmm. Guess I'll have to chew on that one for a while.

Monday, March 16, 2009

On the edge of a new thought...

...Or so I think.

Working, always working. But I don't really mind doing it. Habitat is a good thing for many people. This week I'm in Nashville, Indiana. We are doing the Indiana state conference here. Its a small touristy town near the Brown County State Park.
Hailey and I spent the only two hours of free time we had today walking a trail in the state park. It was nice, quiet and beautiful. The weather right now is gorgeous. I miss the kids, but getting away is good for me, even if I'm working the whole time. I may even post some more writings tonight...we'll just have to see how things go.


I've been forming some more writing ideas lately and I'm currently working on hand writing some things down. this is good for me as it helps me to figure out whats going on in my head. Life, as usual, has thrown many challenges- but I think they are things that I will learn from and be able to grow because of it.
If anyone every tells you that there is isn't anything more to learn in life, well then they just don't get it. There is ALWAYS something more to learn in life, always something you didn't see before. That's what helps us become beautiful individuals, we live and we learn. But the road is sometimes hard, I'll admit that. I think though there are some lessons in life that can only be taught by the living of hard things, things you'd never wish upon another soul. Things that shape your views and understandings of others. At least, that's my theory for now.

And for a dear friend, hope your safe and sound.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Walk

"If you need me I might be traveling,
You might even find me walking,
I am a Tennessee walking man.
I'm feeling a little bit dangerous tonight
I screaming like I'm dead,
burning, burning to be loved tonight, to be loved tonight OH ahhh.."
Quote from the Lyrics of Tennessee by Clear Gray


I need a middle of the night sort of walk right now, its been an interesting day. See you all tomorrow.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Deeper thoughts

I have been trying to reconnect and revisit the me I've shut off for so long. The me that is carefully wrapped in bubble packaging. The traveling and writing of the past things have re-awakened many things in me. Some things like my creativity I am wholeheartedly loving to have back. Other things however, are things I once swore I'd never have much to do with again. I am beginning to think that you can't refuse that which you were born to do, no matter how hard you try.

Blogging and bloggers are much more open minded and have reminded me that to turn away from who you are is not the healthiest decision to make. But I still don't see the wisdom in using these things. They seem to attract the most voracious of people.

It isn't that I think these parts of me are bad, it is just as I tried to explain before-that they are things I wasn't sure I wanted and still not sure I want, but apparently I don't have the choice of gifts I'm given. Dreams, visions, and other strange things are just a part of who I am...


Just like the Raven's visit the other day, Its been a long time since I've seen one look at me. But I feel that has to do with my recent decisions, as if the otherworldly things could hear my thoughts and were waiting for me to embrace myself once again...strange as that might sound to others, it makes perfect sense to me.

I believe this is going to be a difficult journey, but perhaps I will be whole again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I did spend the morning with my kids and enjoyed watching them play happily in the indoor play area we went to. With my busy working schedule, it was nice to spend some of my time with them.

I also went to a local bands concert called "Rock N the Fort" in Fort Wayne with Triana in the late afternoon (it was an all ages event, hence the earlier starting time). See her blog Life, Unassuming & Complicated for the details on that one. It was nice to see and talk to a lot of the bands we know personally. We met a band called Clear Grey from Detroit who also performed and I bought their CD, I really liked some of their songs.

For those who are interested, another post of mine is on Clay's M.IV. Please read his work as well, it is wonderfully written and put together.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Raven and Me

This morning while I was in a board meeting, I looked out the window and saw a Raven peering in at me with an inquisitive look. It was very beautiful, with its dark black feathers catching the sunlight just right to reveal the blue hue that they can sometimes cast. If a bird is able to communicate, then surely this bird was trying to do so. He looked at me as though trying to measure my character, to decide something about me, but what that something was I have no idea.

I find it interesting that this happened. A reader being read by the Raven...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Question of the day

"Where else can you be yourself if not in your own home?"

That was the question I was asked today by Triana, leave it to her to put things into perspective for me in this uphill battle.

I just don't have the answers to this one.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

V's Star

On the way home tonight:

"Look Mom!"

"Yes V, Mommy sees the star."

"I like Stars MOM!"

"Yes V, Mommy likes stars too. Try to go to sleep and let Mommy drive."

"THAT MY STAR MOM!"

"It is?" I said, shaking my head and cocking a half smile.

"YEAH!"

I bit back my thought of "Did you let the star know it was yours?", she's only 2 and I might as well let her think anything is possible...who knows, maybe one day she really can have a star all her own.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Remembering Datura

I have started a draft to be posted on Clay's M.IV. It is a revised edition of my Life Chronicles. You may see it there in the next couple of days. I have also a draft here on my blog that contains some of the missing pieces that I remember about my childhood as I look back on what I've written.


Today gave me some time to reflect and in doing so I remembered some things. For instance, this morning I had to make an appearance at a donor/volunteer appreciation breakfast for our local United Way (I had to represent our Habitat as we are one of the agencys supported by their efforts). Now, I'm not saying that showing donors and volunteers your appreciation is a bad thing, but I can't stand events like these. Mostly, because quite frankly the non-profit arena is akin to the political landscape sometimes.

These things always make me feel like someone threw me in the pit with a bunch of snakes (figuratively speaking). I never quite feel like I fit in at these things nor do i actually wish too. The people themselves are average ordinary Mary or Joe really and for the most part are nice individuals. But it is their average, non looking beyond their own doorsteps that prohibit true growth-hence they've inadvertently become the very stoppers to what they deem they're helping.


It was this thought I chewed on for a while as I drove up to Elkhart to meet my AmeriCorps members to help distribute food from the "Feed the Children" national campaign. There were 14+ semi truck loads of food and hygiene products to be given out to nearly 5,000 families in that area. So, as I thought about snakes, I remembered a man who my mother was once married too and my thoughts turned to a comment Clay had once made. It had to do with me researching Krishna and the battle with the Serpent. I've since gathered a wealth of information on the subject of this deity and find it quite fascinating!

Thinking of this man and that time period of my life led to yet another thought, something I forgot about during that time in my life. It was the one thing I remember making my mother smile.

We had Moon Flowers that grew in the back of the house.

I remember her occasionally stepping outside after a heated arguement between the two of them and staring at those flowers in full bloom of the moonlight. They were Datura Wrightii, and while I remember exactly what they looked like- after doing some research I'm surprised that this variation grew in our back yard back then.

I too thought that they were some of the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen. I love plants and growing things, just never have had the opportunity to have my own garden. I believe I'll add that to my list of things to do for myself someday- grow a beautiful garden or at least try to!

For those who were wondering, I will not be posting chapters of Kipleyarren for a few days. I have enlisted some help and want to work on fine tuning it a bit more before sharing it with you. I believe that this way, you will each be delighted (I hope) with the finished product. I do have a short story entitled "To Be Joy" that I wrote a few years back and if I can find it, I will post it for you in the near future.

Thank you all for staying with me and reading my journeys through the tears, laughs, and what nots that I have shared with you on here.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A Mosaic

I thought,
looking back,
that I was broken.
That it was
me that
was wrong
and unfit.
But as I
gather up
these things
that have fallen,
and place them
in this art
collage of mine,
I realize how beautiful
life's lessons
can make you
Become.
I will not
always know
which direction
I should go,
but I will
always try
to see the beauty
that lives around
me.
That gives me hope,
the kind that
can never be
Forgotten.
The kind that
makes you believe
in Life
Again.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A Storm

A tornado came through here today.

Yes, I'm fine and so are the kids. I wasn't home when it hit, I was in Fort Wayne getting dinner for them. As I stood in the doorway of the mall (where their favorite chicken Teriaki is) and watched the rain coming down, pouring buckets of water, I remembered a poem I read once. It was about the neccessity of "Rain" to wash away many things. It was this thought on top of another comment that had been made to me that made me decide to walk, not run, through the rain to my vehicle.

I was soaked clear through to the bone by the time I made it to my van, but it was worth every minute of it. It reminded me that I still had the strength in me to get through this ordeal and that in the end, I will still be me and a little wiser for it.

The sun shone awfully brightly as I realized that my life will go on and that I am strong enough to pick up the pieces of me.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Life for Me

I am sitting at Deer Park (local pub)with Triana. No drinking is involved, she knows I'll throw a fit about it right now. But I must admit, a good drink sounds inviting right now...I'll settle for a Coke though, my mood means I don't need a drink. I'm in a bit of an angry mood. Don't ask, just know its not caused by any of you here on Blogger.
Well at least I can say that I'm the only girl who you'll see sitting in a bar with her laptop in front of her. Ha! Yes, I really do have it here with me typing away to get my frustrations out.

This is also the same girl who would have at one time in my life hopped onto the back of a bike with someone just to feel the wind in my face. I love riding motorcycles.. An 883 Harley Hugger lowered a bit so I could flat foot it would be awesome,haven't had the opportunity to do so in a very long time though. I really need to learn to just drive one myself. And then find the money to buy one..**sighs** There is a freedom you can't find anywhere else except on a bike. Makes you feel like you have the means to escape everything- even the depressing things in life.

Speaking of escaping things, if you've never been to New Orleans, I highly recommend it. Such a lively, open, and very musical scene. I loved every minute I was there a few years back. Bourbon street was interesting, although a bit of a culture shock for me at first. And I do believe I actually offended a barkeep when I asked for a Coke instead of a beer. And while you're down there, You should also visit the Musicians Village that was built for the Local musicians by Habitat for Humanity. The locals are quite friendly and spirited. Music is everywhere in that city and I do LOVE music.

Ah well, such is life and now I've rambled on enough..time to go home and sleep.

Volunteer with Me...

...Or read the next segment of Kipleyarren!

Ok, have a had a little rest, still need to get some food in me yet, but for those of you who are interested in Volunteering with me while I'm on vacation:

I will be volunteering with Manatee County Habitat for Humanity on Saturday March 28, 2009 from 8am-12noon. I am unfamiliar with the area so we'll see if I get lost or not! We will be on the construction site doing various odds and ends for them. If you are interested in joining me, you must go to Manatee County Habitat for Humanity and fill out a volunteer form and then sign up online for the dates specified. It will ask you for your "group name" just enter April's Group. If you have any questions regarding volunteering, Angeline Brown is their volunteer coordinator and she has been wonderful to talk to. I will be in Florida March 27-April 1.

And now Ladies and Gents,
Here is another Chapter to share or a part of one I should say. I really haven't decided where this one fits in the story yet, but I like it so I thought I'd share it with you all!

Turmoil
A Chapter of Kipleyarren
Authored by April L. Gerard


Caarin felt furious. How could he be asked of this? He had held such convictions about what he was going to do. He had promised himself that he wouldn't be involved in this turmoil, this wreckage that the races had brought to themselves. Grandfather, confession or not, could not make him commit to such an absurd request. "Our lands people will need you...Hmmph" He shrugged with an angry push forward.

He had left the cabin days ago. Knowing that inevitably he would head in the exact direction he had said he would not go. It didn't help that he couldn't sleep. Having shut off all that represented the part of him that was hidden away, the conversation between him and Grandfather had opened a floodgate-in more ways than one. Every night now, he dreamed. He dreamed of the screams he had heard, the agony of that his beloved family had endured during the night of the fire. He relived the pain and anguish anew, knowing that he had been too young to try to save them. For all the magic in the land, a fairie could not save itself from fire. And with the nightmares, came the visions during the day. Visions of what would come of the land. And it was the land, not the people, that concerned him most. For he loved the beauty that resided in Kipleyarren's vast expanse.

At first it didn't seem that any of it was possible. But as the days wore on and the disturbing images continued to manifest themselves, he realized that whether he wanted to or not, he had to help. Not even his friends York and Nolan, the sprites, could withstand the carnage that was about to take place. And there was something else-he could feel the imminent death of something so important, so vital to the survival of all the races.

The land was surely dying from misusage of its bounty, but Caarin could feel inexplicably that this was not tht most important key. Or rather it was not the one key in the most danger. He suddenly realized that there were a handful of puzzle pieces that needed to fit together in order for things to be put back into a balance. The land was sick, the races were thinning, and the magic was fading. A question was forming in his mind, "Could all of this really be the result of one maglignant root? Who would be so foolish at to put everything in jeopardy?" In an instant he knew, because he was the only one who was able to see what she truly was. That was why his kind had been wiped clean of the land- for their innate gifts of seeing the mortality of others. And that gift enabled those of his kind to know without a doubt the true nature of a beast. For how could you see the death without knowing the cause, without seeing the life be born?

He trudged on, fueled by the knowledge of who the traitor of the land was. He vowed that he would help put an end to this, if only to put the past behind him and finally move on.

York and Nolan continued the playful banter amongst themselves, but kept an eye on their sulky and moody friend. The conversation between him and his Grandfather had left him in a bit of an angry mood. But they could also tell that he was feeling so very alone in the world right now. The finality of his Grandfather walking out the door into the moonlight left him bereft. There was no one left of his kind besides himself any longer. They knew he would have to come to terms with that in his own time.

They also saw changes in him that he could not see for himself. He became more in tune with the abilities of his kind. He dreamed more heavily than they had ever seen him do before. They knew this meant that he was developing. He would soon be able to guide himself to places where he would be needed, see the varying futures depending on the decisions made by others or himself. And soon, very soon, he would understand more than most would about the nature of this journey. He would be privy to a wealth of knowledge that could either make or break him.

There was one thing in particular that concerned the two small beings. As Caarin fell into his deep slumbers, there was a name he called out over and over. Shanandra. Whoever this girl was, she was somehow strongly connected to their friend and to the events that were unfolding. But was this connection good or bad? Who was she? they wondered. York stated in a hushed tone to Nolan once during their journey that, "Don't you think its odd. He can't remember her, not even a little.. Every time he tells us of the dreams, she never comes up. Its like the connection is only there when he's asleep." This revelation made them keep a closer eye on things. Ever since Caaring was a little boy, he could always recall his dreams with ease

Friday, March 6, 2009

Apologies to my readers

I did not get back from Indianapolis until just now and the WiFi down there would not cooperate with me...I was only able to leave a few comments here and there on other's pages. Tommorrow, I promise I will be posting the updates and the next chapter. For now though, its time to try to get some rest (a commodity I rarely get these days).

If your looking for some entertainment though, I invite you to look back on my past comics I've drawn for my blogger page. Some are funny, some are not, but all are depictions of the various life predicaments that we each seem to experience.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Text messaging = Laughter Galore!

Tomorrow night sometime is when the next chapter of Kipleyarren will be posted. I will also be posting updates about volunteering with me in Florida for those of you who are interested.
Until then here's some more entertainment, compliments of my dear friend Triana...and this just cracked me up!


a text conversation that Triana and I were having near the end of my work day. I was totally unprepared for Her remarks:

Triana: Is it possible to cross the ocean, broke & homeless?

Me: I think anything is possible, Why?

Triana: Because I'm broken & I need rebound sex :D

**me dying and choking on my drink in hand with the laughter that escapes me uncontrollably, tears streaking down, my boss looking at me like I'm insane***

She thens texts me to explain she was joking...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tired and then some...

But a poem for you each, nonetheless.

Sorry folks, won't be able to post another chapter today...I have a splitting headache and have been bone tired for the last week or so...

But in the meantime, here is a bit of a somber poem I wrote the other night at nearly 2am.

Silence is
thick.
It stifles
the air
here.
Silence is
heavy.
It keeps
me from
speaking.
Silence will
be broken.
Once we
say
no more...


I hope that everyone is having a wonderful week and that the weekend is filled with lovely things, I will return with another chapter either tomorrow night or sometime friday night, after I pick up Triana in Indy.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Kipleyarren, Chapter 5: Part 1

The Roots of Evil

a chapter of Kipleyarren

Authored by April L. Gerard





She stared down the dimly lit stone hall with a half cocked smile as she slowly, almost gracefully, marched her way past her prisoners. There were now only 3 empty cells. How long it had taken her to get this far. The years of patient planning and focus. Her collection was more than most would have thought possible or have dared to acquire. The insatiable appetite she had for the capture of untamed magics was only one of the reasons she kept them. The other was her lust for power. Not necessarily the conventional type of power, but the raw effigy of power. The kind that needed to be born, shaped, and molded in its wielder's hand. Acquiring each of her possessions had not been easy. They were difficult, more so than a younger version of her would have tolerated. But she had long since learned the value of patience and self control. She thought back to the bedtime stories her grandmother had insisted were just that, mere stories. How little the old hag had known. A slow, deliberate smile crossed her face again. What would the hag have done had she known the truth of things?

Her thoughts wandered back to long ago. How far she had come, she thought. Far from what an aging Grandmother for a Queen could have possibly foreseen in one of her own. Wickedness came so easily to her, at her very fingertips she held more power than had been known to any of the previous leaders of the Fairie realm. Her grandmother, Queen Shalatah Cree, had been a well respected leader and taught her well the political forces within their domain. Shalatah must've known how different her granddaughter viewed things, the indifference she showed at times to others as she was growing up. And yet, she continued to believe her granddaughter would be the pride of the Cree heritage.

She lifted her hand up to wave a wisp of hair from her face. Her long blonde tresses sat atop her head in a delicate, intricate design. She was rather beautiful. A different sort of beauty than was usual for a fairie, but that she suspected had more to do with a hidden secret she possessed about herself than anything else. How blind the old hag had been about her late mother's outings. The woman continued walking slowly down the hall, thinking to herself , caressing the ornate neck piece that encased her throat declaring to all her station as present Queen and noting each prisoner as she walked by them.

She then let her hands caress the walls of her creation. The cells were each crafted in a well thought out plan. It had taken much effort to determine how to construct each one so that it would keep the magic that was inside of each creature she collected harnessed or at the very least, contained. From there she had them studied, to be controlled or to leech the magic from them. Much like she was doing with the one magic she had recently acquired. It seemed peculiar to her that out of all the creatures that she thought would be difficult to leech the magic out of and harness to her control, the human had not entered her mind. That is, until now that she had him.

Humans were regarded by all the races, including themselves, as having little to no magic at all. They lived such strange lives- craving all of the raw things most creatures do and yet absolutely powerless in obtaining them. Or, at least that was what most thought. The idea of capturing a human was not hers- it had been the lecohl's. Her unconditionally devoted and self appointed servant. To call him a slave would be wrong. But she did not consider him her equal either. She found him tolerable because he seemed to know where to find the things she craved. And this human the Lecohl had found was a bit of a marvel.

He created things, this human did. Crafted them out of his very mind. The Lecohl said the humans called this gift "Imagination". It wasn't taken very seriously by the humans in any case. They seemed to prefer boundaries of their own perceived realities. Some were even of the mindset that the other races were simply but an apparition, others were friendly enough but regarded the other races as being like themselves- just with fancier wrappings. Magic rarely entered in the forefront of their minds. It simply was not thought possible by the humans. "How wrong they were. Such imbeciles," She said aloud to herself, " What they don't know will surely hurt them..hehe." She mused with a smug, vain and overly confident smile.

What would the land do now that half the races were destroyed? All at the hands of an unmerciful child, for that's what she was when she found her calling all those years ago. The Carfens, the Marnanahs, and the Nubeins (New-bay-ins) were all now extinct, with the exception of those in her collection.

Her mood quickly went sour as she remembered the home she had personally set fire too. All the planning and hard work had nearly come undone that night. No fairie had ever been able to escape fire and yet her Lecohl had found the tracks of the boy and that of the old man's. How he had out maneuvered her was still a mystery and one that burned her with fury. No one ever got away from her once she set her mind to have them. The boy should have been rotting in his cell that had been crafted for him. And the old man would have had some usefulness. She had removed one of his wings after all. Imagine what she could have done had she been able to get her hands on the other one. The only gratification she got that night was watching the rest of the family wreath in pain and agony as the fire consumed them. She hadn't even bothered with the girl, who was clearly the boy's twin. She had just stared at her and let her scream.

She brought herself back to the present an stopped to watch the young man craft his work. She would have to put the Lecohl on him. She wanted that power in her hands. With that thought, she moved on.

She hurried a bit as she remembered why she had come this way in the first place. The Marnanahs had returned. She wanted to know what they had found in the outer lying land of the Leain fairies.

She had found that the Marnanahs could not refuse her bidding once she had set their own magic against them. That had been their weakness and that had been how she had decimated every last one of them. Except the four she had kept. It seemed that their powers didn't work unless they were in pairs. They had been one of the first to become her captives. In her youthful raids, she had discovered them. A small and already dying race, her efforts simply helped them along- encouraged by the fact that many in the land had never known that they even existed. The Marnanahs were the stuff that legends were made of; as much then as they were now and that suited her needs perfectly. They proved to be most useful when it came to garnering each piece of her collection. But they had come back empty handed this time. What could possibly have slipped by them so easily???

My boss's antics

-Please keep in mind this post is not meant to offend anybody, just relaying a little bit of humor-

Here's an amusing story to keep you all occupied while I finish polishing up the next chapter of Kipleyarren for you each. It will be posted before the end of the night, I assure you, but until then let's have a few more laughs:

We had a conference call with co-worker Hailey the other day about the upcoming Habitat Indiana State Conference in Nashville, IN. Hailey was telling our boss Carl that she had slated me to present one of the workshops and one of the opening general sessions (because apparently I speak well in front of people). Having me open the general session though, got my boss's attention. It includes a devotional- remember,Habitat is christian oriented.

He says to her, "Hailey, you're not having April do the devotional part are you?"

"No...why?"

"Hailey, Having April do the devotional would be like having a Jew speak at a Catholic Mass...not good...not GOOD!"

We all died laughing at that-including myself. My Boss and I have come to an understanding about each other's viewpoints, even if we don't always agree and thus we are able to joke about these sort of things with one and another.

Monday, March 2, 2009

A few laughs to share

I've been losing a lot of sleep lately, so rather than go into the details of my depressing issues... I say lets have a round of some funnies!!! (and then tomorrow we'll return to the next few chapters of my book. Ok?)

Now, I'm going to give you all a funny story- one that Triana and I still laugh at to this day...but please....could you each share something funny as well?...lets all laugh tilll our sides hurt! I think we all could use the medicine....well, I could anyway!


Triana Meet Danny, Danny Meet Triana

Way back when my oldest daughter was only 1, Triana and I had an apartment together, (nothing like two single moms living together trying to make the ends meet). It was the beginnings of our apartment sharing days that cracked me up!

I had just met a guy and things were getting a bit serious between us and I had a fun loving, pretentious, all-out flaming gay friend named Danny-of whom Triana hadn't met yet. Now, it's late, me and my new boyfriend were hanging out in the bedroom- my daughter was at the weekend visit w/ her dad (he actually paid attention to her back then). Triana was in the living room doing her own thing. Everything was going fairly well-except I forgot to tell Triana that Danny was coming over...

OMG!

Danny knocks on the door, she opens it- and he yells "Suprise!!!! Is April here?!!!" Now, you have to get a mental picture of this- Danny is nearly 7 foot tall, loves goth clothing and dog collars mixed with furry, fuzzy coats (sometimes pink) and high water boots- the form fitting your legs kind with a sole that is at least 2-3inchs thick. And his personality is more "Girlie" than any girl I've ever known in my life. I'm betting her jaw dropped to the floor just as she saw him combined with his "Suprise".
I kid you not gang, she ran back to my bedroom, didn't knock, and burst into my room hyper-ventilating as all get out, saying, "There is a GAAAAY guy standing in our kitchen right now..."
"Oh, its just Danny." I said.
"No, April this is not normal Gay, there is a GAAAY guy, like seriously out there gay guy in our kitchen asking for you..."
"Uh, Triana..I'm a little busy here...do you mind?"
Her face then became beet red as she realized what she had just walked in on...and then she walked out with her hand over her eyebrows..muttering "I'll just wait outside the door then.."

If she thought she was embarrassed, how in the hell do you think I felt having to explain that episode to the new boyfriend...?????

Sunday, March 1, 2009

For no one in particular...

...except to remind myself of these things:
Love All, Trust Few, and Do Wrong to No One
-William Shakespeare

and my own quote I posted on my myspace page a few weeks ago is
"Always thinking of what road to take, the challenges that seem to break.....me and I pick up all the pieces hoping to make it beautiful."

kipleyarren, Chapter 4: Part 2

Caarin (continued)

"You might want to hide them there wings boy. You never know what kinda trouble you could be stirring for yourself with 'em stretched out like thet." He said as he closed the door behind him. The Old Man's voice held only concern as he offhandedly threw his catch of the day towards the lone shelf, "Been out gettin' some vittals. These here'll need cleaned up a bit, but they'll be fit for eatin' here soon."
Caarin bit his tongue. It would do him no good to point out that he already knew full well the consequencers of having his wings out. It was why he had learned long ago that the sky would never be his to claim as so many of the other fairy races were free to do. He stared a moment as his Grandfather prepared to clean the two Harmots that would become part of the morning meal and then he put on his coat and headed out the door to the shed. At least he could relieve himself and gather his thoughts more calmly as breakfast was being prepared.
He let his thoughts wander a bit as he headed towards the rickety shed. Grandfather wasn't getting around quite a well as he used to, that he could tell from the slight shift in his weight as he walked. He was trying to hide a limp. Caarin decided he would bear some further watching to determine what health he was in. "Funny," he thought," We always know the fate of others, but we can never seem to discern the fate of our own kind." He was referring to the gift that those of his race of fairies had. They knew instinctively the mortality of others. It was, at one time, a time honored gift meant for them to help ease the passing of others. But now, as far as Caarin knew, he and his Grandfather were the last of their kind. A lust for power had bred fear into the hearts of the other creatures. This enabled the one seeking power to eliminate those of their people without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow. "Better the ones who brought death to be gone than us." was the train of thought that everyone choose to ride on. All because they didn't understand how the gift truly worked. Ignorance bred in the masses, he thought. Of course, Caarin himself still didn't have the gift all figured out either. He finished his task and headed back for the door of the little shack, knowing that he would soon somehow regret acknowledging his Grandfather's request to come.

"How far have you traveled boy?" Grandfather looked over at Caarin as he finished his end of the day meal. It was getting late and they really hadn't spent any time talking about what brought him here in the first place. Caarin was getting agitated.
"I wouldn't think you'd need to ask that question... Look, I came to at least check on you, the day is nearly gone and you've still not told me why I needed to be here in the first place."

Grandfather eyed him from his chair across the room. "Careful boy, I can't have you let your anger loose and let it get in the way of your thinkin'" He knew Caarin would lose his patience soon. He couldn't be put off much longer and the boy deserved the truth about things. Maybe more so than anybody in the land. His eyes misted a bit, this conversation wasn't going to go as he had hoped or planned. It made him realize his own difficulties in bringing up a painful, but neccessary subject. There was no time like the present to come clean about things he mused to himself, and with that he began to speak again, "I was kinda hopin' in all your travels, you'd notice the changes goin on around ya boy. It ain't like it used to be and it don't look to be gettin' any better anytime soon now either. If you're paying attention like I taught you, you wouldn't be a needin' the why's and how's. You'd already know a fair share of things most don't." Grandfather shifted a bit in his chair. He was getting Caarin irritated. but he also saw the change in his face. He could see that Caarin knew exactly what kind of changes were taking place. He decided to let the boy think a bit longer before saying anything more.

While the current events worried him, Caarin choose not to care or have anything to do with anybody. It was a fight better left alone and one he did his best to keep his own emotions out of. He feared that if he dwelled too much on the current hand of things, he'd be forced to face the past that was so ugly and so hard to bear. It was touching on a memory better left forgotten, as though it never existed. He looked over at his Grandfather. The bitterness between them he realized suddenly, had waned over the years. Had he been wrong to be so full of anger towards the old man he now wondered? He didn't know the answer, but knew that he wasn't ready to acknowledge that he might have been wrong all these years. Reconciling the past would have to wait, right now Caarin needed to know what was of so much importance that Grandfather would risk another rift in their relationship. As he looked back at his Grandfather, the old man started to speak once again.
"I don't like revisiting the past much son, a trait you seem to have as well. Ah.....well There are some things I shoulda told you a long time ago. Meybe then it woulda saved us a lot of heartache, meybe a few more years spent together." Grandfather paused. He seemed to stare off into some unknown memory that was out of reach for Caarin. "I reckon there are a few things in my life that I wish I'd have done differently boy. I was once foolish enough to think that what I did, didn't affect no one but myself. I've since learned a mighty hard lesson that taught me I was dead wrong on thet. It was that sorta thinkin' that lost us your Mom and Dad. And for that, I'm truly sorry." He let the sentence hang in the air awhile, noting the muscles on Caarin's body tensing in reaction to his words..he would have to tred this one carefully. He continued on, "Its been some years since I thought on those days when I pulled you up from the wreckage of flames that the Queen herself saw fit to set fire too." And with that, Grandfather divulged his inner most secrets, terrifying thoughts of memories gone by, and the lessons of hard bearing experiences that trial and error bring. The night wore on and for the first time since he had been given a task, Grandfather let out what he could no longer hold in.

As the twilight neared and Caarin had had some time to absorb the secrets of the past, Grandfather spoke again, "You'll be needin' to find a pair of twins in the Meshaw Village, Caarin. I'm no longer able to carry out my calling. This will be the last time you see me boy. I've had quite a lot of help gettin this far in life, don't expect I'll be gettin any more. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, just asking that you help try and save a little of what's been lost."

"This isn't my fight! Not my call! and NOT going to be a part of my life!" seethed Caarin as he looked back at the elder man.

"It's your fight more than you know boy...but you'll find thet out soon enough. Go to the village or not, it's your choice, but mark my words- if you do, you'll find the answers I don't have all the pieces for." Grandfather's voice sounded ragged with that last line. It was hard worn with age and edged with a weariness that couldn't be shaken off. He spoke again with a bit of a plea and urgency in his tone, "You need to help them set things right again. Our land's people, all of them, will need you."

The Old Man stood up from his chair then and walked towards the door. He opened it slightly and said, "It ain't easy what I'm asking of ya boy. But I'm hoping you respect a dying man's wish to see his grandson fullfill his destiny and change the world. Maybe make things a helluva lot better than I did. Hope you understand thet." and with that, he walked out into the night and Caarin knew he'd never see the Old Man again.