"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in And I don't know if I've ever been really loved By hand that's touched me.....Don't just stand there, say nice things to me" Quotes from Push by Matchbox 20
18 years old and I was becoming a little bit unraveled and at the same time, more closed up. Triana wasn't having such an easy time herself either.
I began talking to Chris (Warlock) a little more, and finding that when he put aside his attitude, he had some really interesting things to say. I started to find out a little more about his belief structure and amazingly, understood its core. And yes, I did finally read him when he wouldn't let up. Lets just say that it tires me out profusely, and most people only want it because to them it symbolizes a power that they physically can't grasp. And Chris does like to collect people..but we will get there, I promise.
I have battled that part of myself for a long time, mostly because I don't like being used and I never desired any type of "power" to begin with. Now love, that's something worth looking for and something worth giving to others,no matter the cost...power, however, I'm not so sure about. Matt was also becoming a part of the lively discussions..he would later find a path down the faith of Hermetic Qabalah, which does fit his nature. I myself seem to have a fascination with learning all the differing religious beliefs..its quite interesting how many things come before and after modern Christianity and how much Christianity has borrowed from other long lost beliefs, faiths, and traditions..but I'm digressing from my tale, so we will save this topic for another time.
Back in Triana's life, she was on a slippery slope. Jeremiah was quickly becoming a permanent fixture in her life, but other things that should have been there for her, were not. both of us have strange mothers..but hers left her. Literally that year. Her mom has a tendency to follow whatever guy takes her fancy and her kids were never at the forefront of her mind...ever. The love of her own children just didn't ever register with Linda as "enough". So her mom had packed up Triana's younger sister and brother (she at least had sense enough to realize they were a bit young to leave behind) and headed down to Kentucky,to follow whats his name, without my dear friend. It took her a while to tell me what was going on..and when she did, I gave what I could. I got her, Jeremiah, and I an apartment in C.C. and let her drive my car back and forth to school everyday, because I was not about to let my friend go through life without so much as a high school diploma. I walked to work so she could go to school..although looking back I'm wondering how many days of school she skipped out on during that time. Its not like Jeremiah was a good influence on her..but then neither were some of my friends either.
At the lot, there was a guy that both Triana and I thought was extremely good looking..a rarity for us because we never have the same "taste" in men. He would later become someone that to this day, if he were to walk in the door where ever I was at, I would probably be sick to my stomach and wish with every fiber in my body that I was somewhere else...this is the one incident that I find very difficult to talk about. And I was so naive at the time that I didn't realize what situation I had gotten myself into until it was too late.. And later that evening after it was all said and done, I did get sick to my stomach-so much so that I threw up in his bathroom several times at the knowledge of what he had forced me to do to him..and that's enough talk about that incident. That's as close I as can come to telling you about it, and I'm sorry if its not enough..I just can't.
i did tell Triana about it, but she too had a hard time digesting it, he was sooo nice and everybody liked him. But I will tell you that it was her acceptance that i was telling her the truth that bonded us as close as two sisters could ever be. We have never looked back since, but there were some hellacious arguments between us!
The apartment idea, while well meaning, wasn't working out quite as well as we had hoped and I had mistakenly fallen for Blondie, I knew better, but I was looking for something real, someone who "got" me and liked me for me. I wanted an equal whole to an equal whole. Yes he understood a part of me, but never the whole ball of wax and he only ever likes to add to his collection, never keep it for himself, much less be loyal back. It was during this time, we Matt came over to give word that Chris and Heather had tied the knot, that I got drunk with Triana for the first time..and punched my hand through a window without so much as blinking. No cuts, no bruises...just maniacal laughter and tears. I was never good enough for anybody....never good enough to keep or love or to accept love from. And the nightmare that she endured from me with Jeremiah looking scared for his life. To this day Jeremiah is 100% scared shitless of me, because I'm the crazy one who was at one time to immature to realize just exactly how to handle such situations, how to carefully keep your emotions in check, how to recover once you've let go. And yes, this is the teddy bear incident she keeps referring too.
what she doesn't know about this is in the weeks following how many things I broke, how many times I would run my car purposely off the road and down a few small drop offs...not because I wanted to die, but because I was tempting my own fate, I wanted to prove to myself that I could somehow survive no matter what was thrown my way, even if it was brought on by my own hand. It sounds crazy, even writing this, I cannot believe I did these things- and no, I DO NOT recommend trying it...no normally sane person would, so please don't, I was a mess back then. A product of what can happen to those exposed to too much heartache of any kind..but I am stubborn and I refused to have my experiences shape me, make me lose this precious, beautiful thread of life. It was that knowledge that brought me back up from underneath my own drowning.
And I did mend and learned some wise lessons because of it. I became kinder to others when I didn't understand why they were mean, I became more understanding, more patient, and I would take a hell of a lot from others just to help them help themselves. Why? Because I know pain and I know all the kinds of pains there are..and I would never wish on my worst enemy the kind of pain I have endured in my short lifetime thus far.
Soon, we moved out of the apartment and one of the teacher's at the high school took Triana in, after she had wrecked my car in the parking lot. Apparently, light poles in the parking lot are hard to see even though they are the biggest object in them ;)
If you remember, I mentioned a Ms. Knopp in a previous chronicle, and yes, it was her who took her in. It was during this time that Triana became pregnant and we went round and round about her decision of what to do about it, please do not judge her for this...it was not your decision to make, nor was it mine. My decision in all of it was simple- to stay her friend no matter what, how could I give her less in such a frightful time of her life and how could I not be there when surely she would cry later..and she would need a friend. It was always the one thing I could give to others. For I believe that offering your unconditional friendship is also giving your unconditional love..(and yes Triana, that mushy statement just did come from me, thank you).
"I shall pass through this way but once. Any good therefore I can do, or any kindness I can show, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again." Etienne de Grallet
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." Oscar Wilder
"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein