Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Teenage Chronicles: Part 5, section 1

So I was a high school graduate. I made it to the prom, unscathed. Matt was a gentleman and we were never more than just good friends, so nothing happening there. Things were going fairly well, until Shaun got seriously pissed at me. You see, he was dating TK, but Katie and him were always together...and me being the kind of friend who tells it like it is, told him he shouldn't try to date more than one girl at a time. That blew up in my face like nothing else ever could or has since. I learned very quickly how much Phil's words "you can count your friends one hand, and you'll be lucky if the number ever gets past one" were right. I had been running with the wolves this whole time. I got a nice note...with everyone's signature and a whole lot of B.S. written on it. I will not re write what they had written. But it marked the end of me ever visiting that house again. Katie was the first to apologize to me, the very next day. Shaun eventually apologized, but he's one of those types that hold grudges for a long time...he had started a rift in our friendship that was difficult to repair. I gained a new friend during that period of my life...Blondie. I may not have liked his attitude, but he, out of everyone, stood by me and told the rest of them where they could stick it.
It was the start to a devestating love/hate relationship. One that if I'd have known then, what I know now..I would have tried my best to run like hell. But....we will get to that part (even if I have to pry it out of me).
So, I didn't hang out with Shaun as much (obviously) but I did occasionally talk to him up at the truck stop. Triana and I would go there nearly every night to eat french fries and ranch dressing. They had the best fries! It no longer exists, a CVS pharmacy now stands where it used to. But it was a place to sit and sort out our live's. One night, We ran into Shaun, who was sitting with another guy. I could tell by the look on Triana's face where she was going to park her butt. I sat in the booth with Shaun, she wouldn't have let me leave if I'd have said the room was on fire.
Jeremiah Johnston. He was the push that begot her further down the downward spiral she was already on. Not too long before this night she had been arrested in Meijer's for stealing makeup... "Makeup!" I said,"What in the hell is worth stealing makeup for?" She confessed then that at least it wasn't a shirt or something. It dawned on me then where all the neat outfits that we swapped were coming from.. "WHAT?!" was all I could sputter out of my mouth. Do you know she had calmly talked with the security officer and explained to him about how she was going to go to equestrian school, what her GPA was, and what she was going to do in her life??? As if stealing couldn't have stopped her.
So there we were. And there she was across from me, giving me the look. The look she always gets when she sets her mind on something. And at that point, Jeremiah caught her attention. Sooo she began her journey with him, a walk down the lane to hell if you ask me, but she fell for him hard. I sometimes envied her, to be able to feel that way about someone- but I tend to look for more than she does, she just jumps and I tend to wait to see if the feeling is mutual.
Shaun started visiting the truck stop more frequently, but there was a waitress there he had taken and interest in. TK had broke it off with him and was now seeing Donnie. The waitress would later become his wife that he is still married to to this day.
I don't know how, but Shaun met Sam Brown. Sam & I went to high school together, but ran around with different people (he was not persistant boy). It was Sam that kept me going to see Shaun all the time. And it was Sam who in ways he didn't know, saved me from myself. Many people assumed that Donnie and I had "done it". But, I had discovered that the best way to keep people from coming on to you was to take away the desire, and apparently the desire was to see who get it from me first.
I never give something to someone if I don't want to give it.
I began going over to the apartment that Sam, Shaun, and Kelly (the waitress) were sharing, and from there Sam and I started dating. We played magic, I now had my own deck- a blue and green one that Shaun had bought me (that was part of his apology). And I drank. Triana has never seen this side of me. But one night, we had vodka jello shots (Vodka and me get along well it seems). First off, a lot people are always surpised at how much alcohol it takes to get me drunk...but I swear that has to do with genetics and also the angrier I am, the more alcohol it takes. Although, since I haven't drank more than one drink in nearly 3 or 4 years, it could be that I'm a lightweight now. So, back to the jello shots, I'm apparently extremely friendly when drunk. I took off all of my clothes...because I was hot (hot as in physical sweating, not hot as in pretty) I said. And my emotional range, I discovered, was more than anyone-except sam-who could matched the same emotional range, could handle. I was a violent storm wrapped up in a carefully packaged bubble...until that night. And it was that night, in Sam's bedroom that he looked at me with such sincerity that I could not have believed otherwise and stated,"My God, woman you are beautiful." I gave him the only thing I had left to give of my own free will. I gave him me. He is the only man to this day who has ever made me believe they were telling me the truth about thinking I was beautiful.
Sam is a very intelligent, but closed off person. I admit here and now- I'm a sucker for intelligent men. Our relationship was passionate and deep, if not awkward. It did not last long either, because two emotionally closed off people don't always communicate well with one and another. There were things I never told him about me, and likewise he never told me about him. Sam was also a drug user..acid was his favorite. The last vestige of our relationship ended when I realized that he, in his strung out state, might make me do the drugs with him. He even said he wanted for me to see our minds meld together as one, he could just slip me some without my ever knowing it. I wanted to trust him with my heart..and I couldn't do it for fear I'd lose myself. So I stopped seeing him, didn't even tell him why. No phone calls, no nothing. But I would later play those words in my mind when I needed to keep from destroying myself. He saved me from myself, from my desire to stop all the pain. Too bad those words couldn't have saved my car from all the deliberate damage I did when I'd purposely wreck it a few times afterwards, when I began to date other people, people who would not be as kind to me...

7 comments:

CLAY said...

Sam--He is a very intriguing man! Every once in a while you find someone who really strikes you; whether it be inspired from the mind or body, the sincerity of the emotion cannot be questioned. I feel that you have shared many deep secrets with us in this section Wing Seeker! It is wonderful.

Clay

Natalie said...

Yes indeed.
Well written April, I feel as If I am in the room with these people.....

findingmywingsinlife said...

Yes, I did disclose some very intimate secrets...I don't know why, but I felt compelled to do so..the next part may be just as filled with things I don't normally say out loud...

Triana said...

I didn't chase Jere, he chased me. I was young & fell into it oh so easily. I'm still working on shaking that shit off. His is the thrill of the chase, which I have learned all to well from him. .... Sam is going to the Bahama's for his honeymoon. Everything for a reason, right? And for the record, I have been witness to your drunkeness, and your rage, but not all at once. Drunkeness - strawberry wine in the tunnel at the park (I'm guessing not gonna be a part of the story??) ... and the night you told a table full of guys that I give good head! Wtf? Rage - well your hand went thru a window & a furry (stuffed)animal nearly became decapacitated. End of that story as well. Love you through all of it though!

findingmywingsinlife said...

Triana,
For the record, If it weren't for Ben telling me, I'd have never known about your "skills", and secondly...I didn't catch my writing error until this morning about you not seeing me drunk (when you have).
And finally...quit giving spoilers!

ah well, that's why we've been friends for so long...I died laughing in the middle of work today as your comment came to my email...Carl just looked at me like I'd gone nuts, only you would do that to me..

CLAY said...

What a riot...I am enjoying this immensely! Triana, you make me laugh my dear.

Nick James said...

I like your style. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Thanks!