"Scars are souvenirs you never lose, The past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are ?You grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believe And reruns all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio And I won't tell no one your name. And I won't tell em your name." Quote from Goo Goo Dolls "Name"
It was good that I went to the funeral. It was in January.
I needed to reconcile everything, to believe in everything she had ever taught me. And I was reminded of how much my dad's side of the family gives to everyone else, without question, without even understanding that that is what they do...
Back at home, I began my road to patching me up again. It was a frail precipice I was on, but I hoped for better things you see. I believed, almost willfully so, that my life would and could get better...I just had to find my own way. It was in realizing how much I believed that the world could be changed- even if it only started with my own two, small hands that the next set of events started to occur. I will tell you that not everything from this point forward is pretty, not all pains are physical, but I learned....I learned how important to keep that belief was...
There was a house in town that one of Shaun's friends, Donnie, was renting. There were many, many people coming and going from that place. Shaun was dating TK (trudy). We all liked to play the card game called "Magic: The Gathering". One of his friends Rob was also into the role playing game of Dungeons and Dragons. If we weren't at the lot, we were at this place. It took me a while to figure out all the nuances of the game and I loved the artwork designs on each card, especially the blue and green decks. It is a complicated game, so I will not go into detail...but the game itself seemed to attract other people, other people with different beliefs and ideas.... or maybe there's something about me that attracts all sorts of people...I could never figure it out.
I was walking down across the lot towards Shaun's vehicle when He stopped me. "I like your cross your wearing" he was referring to the cross, the piece of costume jewelry, hanging on a chain I found, that had once belonged to granny Hila. I looked at him. I didn't remember seeing him before. A big man, blond hair, arrogant and assholish air about him.
"Oh, thanks." and I started to walk past him.
"What do you do when you see things in your dreams and they come true?" he said.
I stopped dead right there. How in the hell did he know that??? I don't talk about that stuff, with anyone. People are liable to think your crazy, fruitloopy, a few loose screws or a crayon short of a full box. Take your pick, I don't talk about my weirdness with anyone-including Triana. I wasn't even sure I was right about that part of me. It was too far fetched, doesn't or wasn't supposed to exist in this world. I turned and looked at this man again.."Excuse me? What did you say?"
He got a playful look, like he was sure of himself, crossed his arms around his chest (a bit puffed up if you ask me) a cigarette in his hands. "Well if you're not going to answer that question, how about this one...can you read me?"
I paused..what in the hell was this cracker box pulling? I looked at him, scrutinized him a little closer. Yes I thought, this man was definitely full of himself, but assholishness aside..I could see there were other things about him.
"Well go on, tell me what you know about me.."
"I don't know you." I said.
"You don't need to," he said. "I won't leave you alone until you show me you know.." H grinned half joking with me, half serious about what he said. He really wanted me to just spout out the first things that had come to my mind about him. His girlfriend, heather, also a big person-of whom I just now noticed, spoke, "Yeah hon, he's like that.. don't mean no harm but when he sees the colors floating around people he can't kept it to himself..." she turned and looked at him after taking a puff of her cigarette. "Leave her alone hon, she doesn't feel comfortable sharing."
Colors around people, what kind of crack are these people smoking? It was then that I noticed his necklace...that's odd. It was a circle, with a star in the middle and at each point there was a different stone..representing different colors. I knew at once it did not represent what I'm sure others less understanding would have mistaken it for..but I also did not know what it was for...
"Fine." he said. But he gave me a long, knowing look. "until we meet again then."
I walked away, a bit unnerved and at the same time a bit angry. Thinks he knows me, bullshit. And I left it at that. Well, I tried to leave it at that....
The end of the school year was rolling around. My birthday was coming up. Well actually the birthday came first, and then several weeks later the end of school year approached. I was going to graduate after all..by a slim margin. No one in my mom's family (except my oldest Aunt's kids) had ever graduated high school. I was the first to do so in a long time...
In April, a bunch of us went to a Marilyn Manson Concert. Katie, one of Shaun's friends talked me into it. I went on last minute decision, bought my ticket at the door and had to fight through a mob of angry protesters just to get there. I often wonder if someone had told the protesters that it was their voices that helped him draw in the crowds..would they have listened? Probably not I suppose. Marilyn Manson was not a favorite band of mine, but a lot of my friends liked him, so I thought what the heck...
I don't think I'll ever go to one of his concerts again. Somehow a picture of the virgin Mary behind him as the backdrop while he's got some girl on the stage on all fours with a leash on her neck just did not appeal to me, in fact, it made me cry..and I couldn't have told you why..it just did.
Anyways..My birthday rolled around. Rob decided he needed to get me something. I remember clearly arriving at the house and parking my car in back. I wanted nothing more than just to spend my time with people I liked hanging out with. I sat on the couch in the living area. Donnie was playing Tekken 2, a game i was good at (unlike resident evil, which I was not). i took a controller and started beating his ass. Marilyn Manson was playing in the background.."prick your finger it is done, the moon has now eclipsed the sun, the angel has spread its wings, the time has come for bitter things."
Rob walked in, leaned over the couch and said," I got you something.."
"Oh yeah? You didn't have to get me anything.."
Donnie got up to get a beer. And Rob took his place. He turned to me and opened his hand...there in his hand was a dubie. He had thought that a little bit of mary was all I needed. He was furious at my reaction. "Rob, I know you mean well, but I won't take it."
"One joint is not going to kill you April. Come on, I just spent my last couple of bucks on you, so we could smoke together you know. You're a down girl..cool as hell to talk to with interesting ideas..just come on out to the garage and share a few puffs with me.."
"No Rob. I don't do drugs. I've watched my dad, my mother, and several people in my family throw their lives away for this crap. I've never told anyone they can't do it if they choose, but you can't make me. I refuse to lose control over what decisions I get to make. I'm sorry Rob, but I will not smoke that with you."
I got up and walked out to the kitchen and there in the doorway talking to Donnie stood blondie. What was he doing here?
"so you gonna read me yet?" Ugh. Go away I thought. But he didn't. He stayed for that whole night, watched as the people began to show up to play Magic and down some beer, a few out in the garage puffing. This man was seriously starting to irritate me. But, I let it go, it just was not worth the effort. I watched as people who filed in, began asking him how he was, "hey could you show me how to do this move?" or "I was trying to do this one thing you were talking about and it just didn't work..what do I need?" They all knew him. But I didn't, at least not the way most people know each other. The questions were about Martial arts and something else..something I couldn't put my finger on just yet. Then Matt was kind to me, noticing my puzzled look and said, "That's Warlock, Chris is his real name. He thinks he some sort of wizard or something." Well, that did explain a few things...I still didn't like him just yet though. Why on earth would you want to call yourself a Warlock I thought..
A couple of weeks later, Prom was coming up. I decided this time, it would be nice to have a date. So, I asked Donnie to go with me. He seemed nice enough. I got a velvet, dark blue, long form fitting dress that came up the front and closed around my neck in the style of a choker necklace..there was no back to this dress-and no real way to wear a bra. But I thought it looked good on me- the color matching my eyes. ( I still have that dress in a box somewhere) Donnie stood me up, decided on last minute he wasn't going and so Matt, my good friend that he was went instead. I felt kind of proud to have Mr. Army in uniform go with me..and it was a nice gesture. It would be one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me.