Friday, February 13, 2009

The Teenage Chronicles: Part 4, section 2

"I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there Counting crows. One for sorrow, Two for joy, Three for girls and Four for boys, Five for silver, Six for gold and Seven for a secret never to be told. Theres a bird that nests inside you Sleeping underneath your skin. When you open up your wings to speak I wish you'd let me in. All your life is such a shame, a shame, a shame. All your love is just a dream, dream, a dream. Open up your eyes,You can see the flames, the flames, the flames. of your wasted life,You should be ashamed. You dont want to waste your life, now darling, you don't want to waste you life, now babe,you don't want to, you dont want to now babe....I walk along these hillsides in the summer neath the sunshine,I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me, I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer neath the sunshine....I am feathered by the moon light falling down on me...Change, change, change" Quote from A Murder of One by Counting Crows





"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog,Where no one notices the contrast of white on white. And in between the moon and you, the angels get a better view Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right. I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again,Where? I dont know..........Round here we always stand up straight. Round here something radiates..........................Round here were carving out our names, Round here we all look the same. Round here we talk just like lions, But we sacrifice like lambs. Round here shes slipping through my hands..............." Quotes from Round Here by Counting Crows



So it seems like we were having the time of our lives for a while during my senior year, and I guess we were there for a while. There were so many crazy things we did in that short blip of a moment in time..


I was hanging out alot with Shaun, Matt, and Adam. Triana, Eddie, and Ryan did a lot of things together, and we mixed and matched...depending on who could go where and when. There's a lake not too far north of my mom's place that has a long dirt road with no houses on it and a dead end circle area that has a farm gate at the end. We would hang out there late at night make a bon fire and just be crazy. We would be talking bullshit, talking dreams, talking anything.There aren't any lights up that way and you can see the stars as clear as ever there. They were beautiful.


Ryan had a penchant for doing the wildest "what in the heck made you come up with that crazy idea" things. He figured out how to make a potatoe gun...potatoes, avacodos, anything that came to mind went in that thing and the messes they made with it! My poor sister got blasted with a very overly ripe and rotten avacodo once with it....oh my dear lord she was green....and a shower was definitely in order.
Aside from Triana, Shaun would become one of my best friends that year and later we wouldn't talk to each other for years...over me telling the truth again..He and his wife are currently waiting for their Habitat home to be built soon. He was like the big brother I had never had and like my friend Missy in school, Shaun knew the pain of not knowing where he came from or who he really was. I honestly think that messed him up more than it did Missy, but for different reasons that are not my privy to say.


Matt was our patriot, and still is to this day. He's been serving in the national guard since his junior year in high school. One of the smartest damn people I know and yet he still thinks its a good idea to try to dodge bullets for a living...


Adam was a mush. I mean that in a good way. I just had never before thought guys could be so sensitive with how they felt or anything. He had a tendency to date girls that would walk all over his butt..which is how he got the nickname "Putts". He would later end up marrying my cousin Jessi.


So anyway, these were my "close" friends from the Lot. Like I said, we did alot of crazy shit that year. It was in getting to know some of the other seemingly friendly people there at that lot, that I was reminded that a bubble in life is neccessary.


Bigfoot was what everyone called him. He was a local firefighter. He was dating a girl named Chrissy who seemed fairly sweet and bubbly. But he, well I just couldn't figure it out. Why was such pretty girl dating someone like him? Her and I started to get to know each other, and pretty soon we were hanging out occasionally. I thought I was a mess inside, this girl had a lot of baggage and no one to talk it out with. Borrowing some words here... yes the sheep can't see in the dark like the wolves can, but then sometimes the sheep don't always know when they're in the wolves den either....


Mom and Phil at this time were getting really, really upset over my late night outings. The resistance that they met with in me refused to budge for them. And so came the night when they came and got my car and left me there in town to find my own way home. Another guy whom everyone called Harley, took me home that first night without my vehicle. He was nice about it and didn't ask questions or offer solutions. It was the next day that I realized I needed to pick up my check from work and no way to do so. So, I called Chrissy, who didn't answer and I got Bigfoot instead. Going out on a limb thinking it wouldn't be a big deal if I offered gas money, I asked him if he'd pick me up from school to get my check and then drop me off in town. I should've just swallowed my pride and stubbornness and asked my mother. But, like I said before my stubbornness is sometimes my weakness...


He did pick me up and he did take me to get my check. I thought that was the end of it, no reason to think of it any further. But he did not feel that it was the end of it. Later that same week, Chrissy had asked me to go with him and "talk to him, find out whats going on". You see, she thought a proposal was near and I was the one designated to find out the details. I had no reason to believe it would be a dangerous situation to put myself in, I had no reason to believe...well, it just wasn't something you thought of as you get in your friend's boyfriends vehicle. But he was in control of the situation, not me. I was not the one behind the wheel and as I tried to ask about his plans for her, things took an alarmingly horrific turn. He began to drive out of town, out of sight, out in the country to god knows where. "Where are you going?" I asked. "Oh, there's a place I need to go, we'll only be there a minute".

I was starting to get nervous, something was amiss. But for the life of me I couldn't think of what it was. I said I was naive back then, and believe me I was. We pulled into one of the fire station posts, I knew where we were, it wasn't but 5 or 7 miles away from my place. I figured maybe he forgot something here, I mean he is a volunteer firefighter. Makes sense....

"Come on in here, I want to show you something." Okaaay, this is odd but I'll see what's up. We walk into the place its dark you see. My eyes adjust a bit and I see a huge red fire truck. He flips on one light. I look around then turn and said, "so what's up".

"You owe me something." he said. what? what could I possibly owe him? my thoughts were scrambling, this was turning from bad to worse. He walked right up to me, pushed me up against that damn fire engine and lifted up my shirt as if he had every right to do so. I was shocked. Horrified. What the hell gives him the right to feel me up without my permission? "Stop.Stop!What are you doing?!" Not again. I was not about to let someone take something from me that they had no right to take from me, not again. I could feel the fear of my 4th grade horrors all over again. This man was not who my friend thought he was. This man was a filthy stinking leech who ought to have been skewered on a hot bed of coals. But he was a big man who was used to throwing his weight around. He did not expect me to be so flexible, the look on his face as I wrangled my way out of a stronghold no woman could have rightly gotten herself out of without being hurt. But then there was a gleam in his eyes in the next instant. He was surprised at the move but liked what ideas it brought to his mind.

I stepped backwards,"Take me back. If you do not leave me alone and take me back to town, I swear to god I'll have your ass!" He stopped then. starred at me as if to judge my words and my disheveled looking appearance, what could a girl like me possibly do to him? But something made him stop, whether it was his own doing or my words I don't know, but he walked out. I shuddered, fixed my bra and shirt back into place, realizing he had torn both. How was I going to explain that? It was 10 miles back to town, I would have walked it had it not been so chilly. I would've walked back to my own house, but the distance was basically the same. I wanted to be near people I trusted. My personal space had been violated. The whole ride back I did nothing but stare out the window, keeping the tears from falling and thinking to myself "why me?" I never told a soul what happened.

I avoided Chrissy after that. And I never make the same mistake twice, I never went near that disgusting, repulsive bastard ever again. But it was the first of several lessons I would learn about what men were and weren't capable of.

Granny Hila also passed away this year. She died two weeks before her 100th birthday. One of my unconditionally loving, wise people was lost to me. I cried uncontrollably for two days. And then I made up my mind to go to the funeral. It was in Kentucky, school was in session, I would need to catch a ride down with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Gary, I'd be gone for a week. No mom, I'm going. End of story....and I did.







3 comments:

Triana said...

:*( There are no words friend, just overwhelming emotion that crushes & changes a soul. And that is why we always have each other to soothe the soul as it repairs & grows into the strength of character that we exhibit today. ILY, dnq.

CLAY said...

Goodness..the "Bigfoot" is a very weak man. I am glad that you got out of the situation safely Wing Seeker. As I read your chronicles, I am reminded of how poetic a person's life can be when written down. Splendid as always.

Natalie said...

Yes, Clay. Well spoken, there is nothing more to add. :D



Hugs, April.xx