Monday, February 9, 2009

And the flood Gate opens...

There are at least 4-5 people here on blogger that I am positive I can trust with almost anything... I may one day look them up if they let me, if they are comfortable with that. Thank you each for your support, you are saving the sanity of a woman you hardly have met....





I thought all day today about what I wanted to say. And I even posted my 2nd teenage chronicle before determining whether or not to post this one. Indeed it is difficult to share this, to let my thoughts out so much..open for others to read. I had to read it over several times before deciding, but Triana is persuasive..and she is right, I need to let go and trust that I am being led in the right direction..so I am following my instincts, for they tell me I should post this.
How much I was crying last night, tears that made me sick to my stomach. I had to be ever so quiet for in the rooms next to mine lay my children. Clay-my apologies to you, I was impatient because I needed something to read, something to absorb my mind into; to forget the events in my own home last night. I won't discuss what, only that I was so worked up, so distraught that I couldn't think clearly- couldn't make my brain fire on all cylinders.
This morning I took the kids to their respective places in my pajama's- because I had overslept through the alarm because I had stayed up too late.. because all I wanted to do was go back home and shut myself away from the world and instead I went back home to shower (I tried my best to wash away how I felt to no avail) and ready myself for work. All day I felt so angry, so so angry.


But then I remembered..


What good does it do me to think on the negative things...


I have a friend who listens to my thoughts, she is usually only a phone call away... and there are people all over the world right now who have read, accepted, and understood my pain...what more could I ask for that would not be selfish??? You each have given me more than I thought was possible for humanity to give already.I believe that to bring peace to the world, to people, to an individual-you must give unconditionally...and accept people not for who they might be, could be, or would be...but for who they are. And unconditional means not asking for its return.. but sometimes, living with someone who would take when you don't wish for them to take-no matter their percieved right-it hurts beyond a depth most people could know. I struggle with this you see..I struggle endlessly between wanting to change the world and finding my own happiness. For is it not the most selfish thing to ask for ...to be happy?

6 comments:

Elle said...

I think we were born to be happy, that is not selfish. I'm sorry that you felt so sad and I hope that things will get better for you.

malena Sandra said...

Selfish?NO!You cant change the world,but the world in yourself,you are the world,so be happy.Just be your lovely self,look for your happyness in "small"things in life,may be there is a happyness just around the corner,look at your soul,hear what she sings,take care,love and peace and good wind under your wings.

Deedee said...

Hi Wings - yes you are right, it's good to share pain, but as you learned at the high school lunch table, it's not always safe to share with some people. It's good that you can blog - there are people here who can understand without judging. Hope good things come to you.

Triana said...

Me? Persuasive? Ha! I don't believe it :) I'm seriouslt sorry that I could not come into CC tonight. I wish I could protect you from all this pain tho.

Triana said...

Or "seriously" - that would work too.

Natalie said...

In this life A., Everyone will experience pain and joy.
If you have not had a taste of joy yet, don't you think it might be your turn??

We do.

Hugs.xx