Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So much for peace today

I'm listening to Five for Fighting right now (a favorite band of mine)

-Im more than a bird...Im more than a plane; More than some pretty face beside a train; Its not easy to be me....Wish that I could cry; Fall upon my knees; Find a way to lie; About a home Ill never see;It may sound absurd...but dont be naive; Even heroes have the right to bleed;I may be disturbed...but wont you concede; Even heroes have the right to dream

Its not easy to be me-

Now on to write my feelings down.

I don't want to be one of those women. The kind who never have anything nice to say. The kind that are never satisfied.

So when I think about my relationship with my husband, please let me make one thing clear, he is not a bad person. We are just simply two different people trying to make a life together that doesn't work well because we are toxic to each other. I can't stand to be in the same room with him anymore and he can't stand me. Love has nothing to do with it, if it did it would be enough to make it work. Its not. I'm ambitious, he's not (he's not lazy, just not driven like I am). I strive to do as much as I can, he's content with being home.

Yes, opposites can attract in a good way-but in this case we bring out the worst in each other.

Below is what I wrote out of frustration this morning. But after reading it, I realized how berating and ungrateful I sound.

I thought I'd get a little rest,maybe think things thru. But nope, that didn't happen. 5;30 am and the phone is already ringing today. Did I mention that I don't like early mornings too well? At home, I get up at 6:30 am-to get the kids ready and off to their respective places (oldest to school, younger two to the sitters, and me to work by 8).

I just want to cry somedays, just cry. I just want to be able to lay my head on someone's shoulders and say out loud "Dammit why am I never good enough?"

This is part of the reason I've been having trouble writing, when I'm stressed and worked up it makes it hard to think freely. I suppose I should be content with the fact that its only 3 calls this morning from him, it used to be 10 or more a day (it didn't matter if I was at work either, he always calls and wants me to fix things, he would demand that I come home to fix it- but if I tried mind you, it would never be good enough)...then they came out with texting.. ugh.

There are other things he does, things that sometimes scare me, things that my own personal red flag warnings tell me its time to go, time to leave this mess..but we have children you see and I don't know how to fix this. 9 years and I should've known, should've been able to see what I was getting into...

Excuse my writing rants here, I did warn earlier in a post that I was starting to share more personal things than I should. But i'm so tired, so empty. And only one lonely tear streaking down, because that's all the effort its worth.


malena Sandra said...

Hay girl,may I call you that?Cry for crying out loud,if you need to,if you keep it under youll get ill(speaking out of exp.).And why are you still together with someone you cant stand or is poisones to you or you to him?Because of children,belief or cause youll think of your self as a quiter?Am I saying something with what you can relay to(pardon my English,please,)but this is no fiction what you are writing?Please keep sane and well,greatings.

findingmywingsinlife said...

No Malena, this is not fiction, I sometimes wish it were...

Triana said...

Impressive. (Obviously, NOT the story, just the fact that it is HERE). Did you imagine me standing over your shoulder, whispering "push the button, post it..."? It's a step honey, and you always know I'm right "here", even when I am gone. Always. Anytime.

malena Sandra said...

For a momet I thought that Im loosing it.You need to think,stay calm and try to organize your self,but not on you own!Do you have close friends that you can ask to think with you,at first?Around there,directly aproachable?Im by myself,so I deal with everything by myself,but I know for a fact,that every challenge in life is beeing beter dealth with friends around(or familie).Take care of yourself at the first place,without that you cant be a good mom for your kids!Good luck,darling!

Natalie said...

Sorry April.

That is a very sad situation, one that I knew at one time in my former marriage.

That Five for fighting song is my favourite. Absolute favourite.

In blogland you are never alone.Big hug to you, love.xx