Saturday, January 10, 2009

Just so you know

I haven't been really saying much about what's going on this way. I've been avoiding thinking about the things I don't want to deal with I think. For instance, my dad came in the office the other day- the first my boss had ever met him- and it wasn't for a hi, how are you doing but for a hey, your building some habitat houses here in town right? Could you get your boss to hire me so I have a job for the work release thing...? Ugh, you'd think he'd get that I am a daughter not a favors please person.

My mother. This one makes me ashamed of my own self sometimes. I watch her,or more accurately hear her on the phone, as she changes. It scares the hell out of me sometimes knowing that she won't move and she shouldn't live alone. I know my brother is there, but alcohol seems to be his problem too and denial. Denial that there is something wrong with mom. Denial that he doesn't make efforts to see his kids, denial, denial, denial. You know, I think I'm tired of peoples excuses.

The sad part is, I don't want to have to help with my mother. I shouldn't have too. No one her age should be hit with early onset dementia- she's only 47, yes I know she started the kid thing way early in life. This is the one time where I'm hollering that it's not fair. Not fair to her. Doesn't help that I'm worried about all the medication the doctor has her on. The studies that I've read show that the meds to help a person with these issues are also being linked to earlier deaths. How do you reconcile that? How do you tell her she must take them, when your scared outta your ass that they're killing her?

My best friend jolted me to reality the other day. I was perfectly content to put most of the blame of my crumbling marriage on my husband (its easier to blame someone else than yourself) but she was right. I need to work on my bubble issues... I could at least tell him that I do appreciate what he does do.

I always say my friend is the one whose the mess, but honestly, I'm beginning to think its me.


Noelle said...

Be strong and I send prayers for you and your Mom. You are right, it is not fair.

Lynette said...

Only 47? I'm 48 and will turn 49 this year. I can't even imagine what this must be like for her or for you.