Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Jump Rope of Life

life is a constant battle of one form or another, the question is are we going to let it get us down or are we going to grow stronger and/or wiser because of it? Will we let life's trials shape us into better beings? Will we learn to Jump Rope?

I want to post something a little more somber today, a reminder that life is waiting for you to live it- not give it up. I have had many friends and a few family members who are constantly in battle- battle for the physical health, mental health, depression- you name it, someone's battling it and overcoming it.

An example is a band, called Blue October, who has overcome the odds and stigma that people associate with those who have to learn to manage their mental health. I have a huge amount of respect for this band as they promote mental health awareness & suicide prevention.


My point in posting this is to tell each of you that as you go into the new year, remember to stay positive and keep your goals in focus, and never let the jump rope get you down...because, this video is right- Life is like a jump rope. Go ahead with those dreams of yours and do what you love no matter what obstacles or hurdles you have to learn to overcome...

Though the New Year may bring you pain, it will also bring you Joy (which is far richer than instant happiness in my opinion)-if you let it. Here's to a New Year and all it may bring.




Monday, December 28, 2009

My Secret Garden

I've been thinking on a childhood book that I used to read over and over called The Secret Garden. Another fellow blogger friend posted a video clip on it about a week or so ago and it got me to thinking on it. In fact in a recent phone conversation with Lex, I tried to explain the ideas presented inside the book (I also tried to explain another childhood book called The Girl of the Limberlost to him as well, because there are some similarities in concepts between the two books). The Secret Garden he had heard of vaguely, but not the Limberlost. Which really doesn't surprise me. The author of the Limberlost was originally from the northern Indiana area (the book's location was based on the Limberlost forest that is in Northern Indiana) and I'm not entirely sure of how widely distributed her work was. It is difficult to explain just exactly what I learned from these two books that became well worn from my hands turning their pages over and over, but below is an attempt to do just that.

My Secret Garden

Being who I am,
didn't know what I was,
until I learned to soar
with my own two wings.

Seeing the world forget,
all the secrets of a garden,
I chose instead to see the crocuses
bloom from my hands.

Little did I know,
I was learning to grow,
just as much as my seedlings.
And a smile was forever planted in my soul.

It wasn't just the bird,
who showed me the way,
but my heart that yearned
for more than the world would offer that day.

Laughter has since filled
my heart's room,
and I know my own two feet
can take me wheresoever I choose.

I choose. My choices are mine-
to be me and live in my breathe of time.

edit:
for those who were or are interested, you can find the author of The Girl of the Limberlost here & here and the author of the Secret Garden here.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

My Focus Today

There is snow falling outside and I am taking some time to write. To focus on where I'm going and not where I've been. I'm glad to know the world for what it is and I'm glad that in spite of every little thing that sometimes gets me down- I'm glad to still believe and know there is beautiful things to be found.

I hope the same is true for each of you.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Something We All Can Relate To

As you can see, the re-construction has begun on my blog. There are still some things that need to be worked out, but progress is being made!

The song below was inspired by several people I know personally and their heartaches that they've confided in me about. Its really something I think we each can relate to, because I'm sure each of us at some point in ours lives have loved only to have lost it without quite knowing what went wrong.

The key is to be able to pick yourself up again after its all said and done, which for many people is easier said than done. But there is hope, I believe there is always hope for everyone. This is for everyone who has ever wanted to hide their tears.





I Didn't Want You To See Me Cry

I waited for days,
wondering what to say
when I see you again.

I know everything's not ok,
I know I can't make it right.
Why did you say goodbye?

Sometimes things get lost
in between words not said.
And sometimes you think you know,
when you didn't know enough instead.
A friend I never thought I'd lose,
and now you've said goodbye..
And I..

I didn't want you to see me cry.

A choice has been made
I didn't know was there.
Would've left things alone
if you'd have cared to share.

There is an empty hole,
inside my soul,
because I let you in.

And now its all gone,
there nothing left of me,
but an empty shell you see.
I don't trust enough,
to let love in anymore.

Sometimes things get lost
in between words not said.
And sometimes you think you know,
when you didn't know enough instead.
A friend I never thought I'd lose,
and now you've said goodbye.

And I..

no I....

I didn't want you to see me cry.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

That One Thing

I've been having a wonderful time with my son today. As promised, I took him to see Alvin & the Chipmunks "squeakwal". And I survived it! I'm not much of a kids movie goer, but the laughter peeling from his mouth was more than worth it. Over the past few weeks I've been making it a point to spend one on one time with each of my 3 kids and today was my son's day with me. It was wonderful.

I hope each of you are enjoying at least one remarkable thing about Life right now. I know many, many people focus their happiness on the fact they have family, which is a blessing, but I know that there are equally many other things in life worth appreciating and taking in. Find that one thing this holiday season that makes you feel the beauty of Life.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

There Goes My Theory...

Well, its official- I did not break my thumb! Yeay! Though I was a tad disappointed that the specialist said that my extra bone in my thumb wasn't quite as unheard of as I had assumed. He said he also had the same phenomenon- basically some people have this extra bone, some don't. There goes my theory of being special...geesh. :)

I do hope the next few days go really well for all of you, even if Christmas is not a holiday you celebrate. Take care everyone, I'm off to get some sleep so I can spend some time with the kids tomorrow!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Intangible Beauty

I believe that people are beautiful, no matter their outward appearances. I hope that this poem conveys to you each what I mean. I find it challenging to put into words the thoughts that come racing through my head. Thoughts on humanity and all the emotions we have within ourselves combined with the potential that we rarely ever seek out. But we are creatures of wonderous beauty I believe, we just have to see it in a different way than we would normally.

Intangible Beauty

Beauty comes in many forms,
it ebbs and flows in invisible lines,
across the expanse of things seen
and unseen.

Inside a heart, you feel it-
but you cannot see it with the naked eye.
Beauty comes from the coward,
who faces his or her fears.

Inside the mind, you understand it-
but you cannot hear another's thoughts.
Beauty comes from one who knows no different,
for they are not stopped by the unspoken.

Inside a soul, yes you know its there-
but you cannot hold it in your hands.
Beauty comes from one who keeps it close and tends to it,
for it shimmers with its own unique radiance;
A light, a beacon that shines for the world within.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The String

Maintenance and revamping ideas are still being tossed around before we put them up and Lex came down with the flu Sunday... so we are hoping that we can get to work on creating my blog's new look later this week, until then- please enjoy my newest poem that I've written today. I actually wrote this in the van while waiting in line to make the daily bank deposits for work. Hope you like it.

The String

There is this string of friendship
between you and I.
And threaded through the needle's eye-
it pulls back together the pieces
of my heart's remains.
I would not have had the strength you see,
to sew up each and every seam,
but you, you are helping to give my hand
the strength it so dearly needs.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Suprise for all of You

I'm sure many of you read the post below and thought "What the heck was that????" I assure you, its all o.k. I figured that since my thumb and I are having go arounds' every now and then, that this would be a good time to revamp the look of the blog. And...since I'm terrible with technology my dearest friend Lex has agreed to help give it a facelift- hence his post of "Maintanence".

I do apologize for any confusion, and if things should look a little funky or weird on here- I promise you'll like the changes once it all gets worked out. We are using my artwork, but its purely his talented genius with computers and techy stuff that's going to make this possible! Please welcome him to the blog and let's cheer him on as he works his magic or leaves a note or two for you all to read and enjoy.. aside from my kids and my friend Triana, Lex is one of the brightest lights in my life right now and has been the strongest supporter in my hardest of times that I'm currently going through. I owe you a heck of alot Daymaker :)

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Maintenance

Maintenance

Things will get Borked. Things will change. Small animals will play Yahtzee on coffee tables, old nudists will pick flowers in ice fields and pigs will fly†.

† Pigs will fly with jet-packs.

Cheers,

Friday, December 18, 2009

One by one the Hurts will Come

Sometimes life is difficult, but not insurmountable and certainly it is one of the most beautiful and precious things we are ever given that not a one of us ever asked for. This poem gives you each a glimpse into how I think sometimes when I think on life.

One by One the Hurts Will Come

Hurts come one by one,
or sometimes all at once.
But they are a part of the life
we are given to live.
Consequences are not always
foreseen, and often we know not
what it is we do, until its been done,
by our own hand.

The best we can do is Love
and forgive, for sometimes
hurts are given without the giver
knowing it hurts,
and sometimes...
you are the giver;
sometimes we don't always
understand- but not understanding
doesn't mean we have to be afraid,
it doesn't mean we can't give
our love in spite of everything
we just don't know.
Because, even as one by one
the hurts will come-
laughter is bound to follow after.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Blink of Time

Just a few thoughts....

Over the past couple of weeks I've learned some very hard lessons in life. I was thinking today about how much my thumb hurts from just that one fraction of an instant when I slammed the door on it, without realizing the thumb was in the way and in the wrong place at the wrong time. This thought has got me to thinking on life. On the way we often have hurts that aren't easily healed, if indeed at all, that have resulted from split second instances gone awry.

Truly I'm beginning to think that our most hurtful phases in life are directly resulting from decisions, choices, or even indecisions that were made without so much as a blink of eye's worth of time. Of course, I also think that we steam on ahead so sure that we are headed in the right direction based on our perception of how things are- that we fail to see the cliff up ahead that we are about to throw ourselves off of.

All this thinking of mine, inspired by a nearly broken thumb... funny how life makes you take another look at something you thought you already knew.


I do hope you are each having a wonderful night! Me? I'm kind of proud of myself for being able to type this- but I've been thinking on it all day and just had to get it out. Sometimes you just have to do something no matter what it takes or how long it takes you to do it.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Smushed my Thumb :(

Well, I had every intention of posting another poem earlier today, but I ended up shutting my thumb in my van door- requiring a visit to the nearest emergency room. I now have a splint on my thumb and I learned two things:

1. The doctor doesn't think its broken, but he also stated that many, many small fractures never show up on an xray until 5-10 days after the injury occurred. So, I am to follow up with my family doctor in a couple of days to confirm for sure that it is not broken. He asked me if it hurt, my repy was, "Well, I nearly pissed my pants because it hurt so freakin bad after I realized my thumb was still stuck in the door and then it hurt worse after I opened the door to retrieve my thumb out of it. Not even childbirth hurt this bad!"

2. I have a genetic anomaly. Apparently, the xray revealed that I have an extra bone in my thumb that is not supposed to be there. I was informed that some people do have extra bones, but having one in the thumb is a rarity. Soooo...I guess that means I'm special???? I thought it was a pretty neat quality anyway.

3. (Yeah, I know I said two) but I gotta say- typing is a slight challenge with a splint on your thumb! Hopefully, I'll still be able to manage my daily posts. Right now though, it kinda hurts to type so this small post will have to do for now, I do hope you all don't mind waiting a day or few days before I manage to post a few more poems and finish the short story I mentioned that I was working on.

Hope everyone is having a great day/night!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Light of My Friend

I'm working on another short story to post in a couple of days. Its been awhile since I've written one. For now though lets see what kind of poem is in me just now:

The Light of My Friend

I saw a light shine
you wouldn't have known it was there,
inside my friend.
There is so much a person has,
that so many just don't see..
but I try to see it.

And I do see it,
there, in this man I know.

that flame, that spark,
it could light up a whole room
with the infectious laughter,
witty words, and compassion
that could fill the ocean
with its sincerity.

Wise words he sometimes gives me.
A hand outstretched in the air,
even in my darkest moments.

The light flickers every now and then,
when life gets him down,
and he needs shelter from the winds
that would blow out his dreams.
But he never ever lets go,
its very beautiful you know.

There is a wondrous gift,
the gift of his friendship,
the world has no idea that such a man
exists.

But he does. He is real. He is my friend.

And I believe he will accomplish so much in this life,
that his light will one day be seen
by the world,
with all the great things he will do.

What a beautiful light that shines in you.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

A thought from Class and Some local music

I've had a lot to think about lately. One of the instructors for my course, Brenda, had something really intriguing to say. I've never heard this phrase before but it definitely caught my attention. I had mentioned to her that some of the problems in housing and being able to measure its success or failure is that there is too much emotion involved and that people never ever do anything that is logical when emotions are involved.

Her response was, "So you're saying that instead of us being humans who are having a spiritual experience- we are spirits having a human experience?"

Thats a powerful statement and one worth pondering and thinking on, at least I think so anyway.



Well I'm going to enjoy some local bands music tonight you can check them out here if you like:

Sirface and Teays Vein

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Calling it a Night

Spellbound and I had a lovely dinner together tonight, though she wasn't able to sit and talk for long. But I did enjoy the visit.

I was going to write another poem tonight, but I'm getting fairly tired and quite frankly, I'm just wore out. So, I'm calling it a night and hoping that everyone is doing well where ever you may be.

Dinner in D.C.

I'm going out to dinner with Spellbound tonight. This will be the first time I've gotten to meet any of my blogger friends. I'm tempted to take a random vacation sometime and travel around to meet several other people I consider to be very good friends of mine here on Blogger. Got to save up a bit more money for that though and then some of you would have to be willing to put up with me (scary thought isn't it). ;-)

Anyway, I'll be back later tonight hopefully to tell you all about the evening with Spellbound.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Driving Across America

I just got in to D.C., it took me about 11 hours to get here because crazy me wanted to drive it instead of flying out here. It was worth the drive. Even though it rained a bit in Pennsylvania, I got to drive under the biggest, most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in my lifetime (at least that I can ever remember seeing) I did try to take pictures of it while driving, but that idea didn't work out so well-Yes, yes...I did manage to stay on the road while attempting this...no harm done

Still, it was a beautiful sight to see and it reminded me to keep on pushing myself towards these dreams I have, regardless of the obstacles and emotional roller coasters I invariably find myself on sometimes.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Heaviness of Heart



I'm feeling really heavy today. Life is always full of tears, and I always pick myself up somehow and I move on. A really good friend of mine who I hope is always a part of my life says to me all the time that I have an inner strength rarely seen in others...I hope he's right. This is for you my dear A.M., I know you'll understand my melancholy today. I promise the rest of you, I won't always be this down, just let me get it out on paper..it helps me sometimes. And when its all said and done, I'll share what's going on, but right now- its just best not to.

Heaviness of Heart

These tears,
they always fall,
yet I still hold onto hope,
that it won't always be
this way.
Somehow I wish,
that lessons and education
weren't neccessary.
I want to breathe,
to feel free enough
to let my hair down and lean
on a shoulder.
But there is never a shoulder
for me, and I find that hard,
some days.
Still, I give my friendship
and my time to those
who need a shoulder to lean
on for themselves,
so they can pick up and walk on
and live life as it was meant to be.
I'll survive, I always do,
but sometimes...just sometimes,
I want to be able to share me
with another.
But it never happens,
and it makes me feel unworthy somehow,
even though I like myself,
the way I am- but I just
don't understand why,
why don't others want the me in me?
Its ironic to me,
the things people think
I should be able to do,
I'm just as human as the rest
of the world.
Not perfect, but still real.
I've been called a Martyr,
an angel, a good person, and a friend
but never have I believed-
Because of things certain others
have said and done.
And yet, I know
that I shouldn't let these
affect me so. But sometimes,
its not so easy to ignore.
Sometimes you trust and love,
when maybe you shouldn't.
Today was hard and it will get harder,
of that I know for sure.
But these tears of mine,
this too shall pass- as my blogger friend
has been kind to remind.
I think I'll look for some sunshine today,
I'm sure there's some somewhere,
here inside me...I just have to find it.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A few thoughts to Share..

I've been trying to write a post for a couple of hours now, and everything that I write down, I don't want to share. It seems my mind is weighing on heavier things lately and its showing in my writing. I'm not sure what to do about it, other than to just keep writing things out and see where they go. I'm learning some patience with myself and with some current events in my life. Its not easy to learn these things. I'm usually a fairly patient person to begin with, but I've discovered that there is more than just one "kind" of patience and it all depends on what the situation is. Very frustrating for me at this moment in time.

The good thing is, is that there is never a dull moment in life. Never a time when I haven't seen something in a new or different perspective than before. Maybe that means I'm learning something, maybe not. Either way, I suspect I'm not alone in these thoughts of mine. Randomness they sometimes seem to me and yet not, I suppose. If I make sense, I don't always know it at the time.

Take care everyone, and I hope the holiday season is treating you each with kindness.

See you all tomorrow.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Empty

I'm thinking of a song by Fiona Apple. there's this one line in it that goes, "Full is not heavy as empty my love, not nearly my love." I think she's got it right. Somehow, for some strange reason we do feel heavier when we feel "empty".

I will see you all tomorrow.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thoughts from Blogland

I haven't really taken the time lately to peruse through the many great blogs out there that I usually do. But, today I think it is time for me to do some blogger quotes, you guys have some really fantastic thoughts, ponderings, and wonderful ideas that make a person pause and reflect. Thank you to each of you for sharing with us whatever is on your minds. :-)

"You see, I can't despair when I have hope. I cannot have hope when medical facts argue otherwise. And so I prepare for the worst, but expect the best. And live in today. Where my odds of surviving the day are exactly the same as yours." -Barry, From An Explorer's View of Life

"Me with my candle ... there is something very comforting and reassuring about the golden glow of candle light..."- Diane, from Here is My Heart

"How is it that things can be simultaneously better and worse?"- Strawberry Girl, from Strawberry Girl's Reflections

"Rather than try to argue with a child who makes me look like a sheep by contrast, I took my best passive aggressive stance, thereby shooting myself in the foot."- Spellbound, from WORDSONWAKING

"The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for" Kris McCracken, from This Will Hurt Me

And those are it for now, I do hope you each will visit these wonderful bloggers. Hopefully these quotes made you think a bit, I know they did for me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

To touch a soul

It took me a long time to finish writing this one. I started it several months ago and just couldn't find the words to finish what I was trying to say. I'm still not sure I've really said it well enough, but hopefully you each like it anyway. See you all tomorrow!

To Touch a Soul

Steady hands calling out
reaching endlessly for one
and its out of reach all the same.

Asking questions with no answers,
trying to define
right from wrong, intermixed
and entangled in sweetness.

Couldn't see it coming,
But beautiful things don't
always come when you think

Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel
a break in the darkness
a reprieve from tears.

And yet, these are tears
here in my eyes.

beautiful things do this sometimes-

bring such emotions with no names,
that open a floodgate,
and here a trembling woman stands,
waiting, wondering...

where this road will go,
for the road has spoken
and touched her soul.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Paper Rains

For Triana.

Paper Rains

Lost all, home is gone,
no more does the heart belong.
Torn views, midnight hues,
and paper rain that falls on
Sunday's blues.

Lost all....all thoughts of time
in the here and now,
for the here and now holds
things no one wants to see,
but there is always that pain..
that pain that is kept locked up in thee.

No more tears. That unspoken plea
for home that is missing, when looted
has been the love dear to her soul.

Letters she'd write to tell her thoughts,
crumpled up in balls of knots,
and her paper rain falls,
tears cried in the unsilent night,
shamed with insecurities and frailties;
unbidden fears creep up
and she feels them swallow her whole.

And still, the paper rains fall
without touching, without washing away
all that weighs her down.

And the only thing I have to give
is my hand and my love,
because life and how it sometimes is-
was never mine to fix.

But no one said I couldn't be a friend,
and that is all I have...
to help you through the paper rains.

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Big Girl Now

Today is my youngest Daughter's birthday. She is 3. You should have seen her this morning, bright eyed, jumping up and down exclaiming, "Its my birthday!! I'm 3 now!!!" She's is such a wonderful blessing to have, just as all my kids are. They teach me so many things in life, that sometimes my heart hurts with the love I have for them. I'm headed off to give a little girl her birthday party and enjoy the precious time with her while she is still little.


A Big Girl Now

5:30 am,
she's running down the stairs
already. "I'm up mom! I'm up!"
You'd have thought it was christmas,
with all her carryings about.
Her short blonde hair, confident smiles-
the laughter and glee that sneaks
from her mouth as she giggles
when I tickle her.
she's beautiful and full of it.
Thinks she's near grown already.
But I know better, there are still many
more years before that happens,
and they will go by so quickly.
I'm afraid to blink for fear
I'll miss those years.
I nearly double over in laughter
at the antics she comes up with,
her quick wit and easy talking skills,
even though she's only 3 now.
And short, just like her momma.
She's independent and strong willed,
but kind hearted and compassionate.
She will change the world someday,
change it with her love.
Love she freely gives.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Something for Thanksgiving

What Have I to Be Thankful For?

The breath in my chest,
the chance at another sunrise and sunset,
stars to see at night.
The kiss of a soon to be 3 year old,
a 4 year on the go,
and a 10 year old wishing to grow up.
The sight of new days,
the sounds of music flowing in my ears,
and the silent serenity of nature's rythme.
The voice of the wind,
birds in the air,
and a car to take me anywhere.
My hands to do with what I choose,
my voice to say to whom what I wish,
my love to give to all.

Those are the things worthwhile,
worth being greatful that I have been given
the same gift as you- a chance to live.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Son

I'm spending time with my son tonight. He has been in need of just me and him time. Here is a short poem for you each. May you all have a wonderful holiday season!

My Son

Curious eyes,
always asking questions,
he'd tear apart everything I own,
just to see how to fit it
back together again.
How does this work?
Look, look Mom, look
what I can do!!! as he swings
back and forth, balancing on his
arms in mid air amongst my
kitchen countertops...
and I nearly gulp my heart
back into its place
with the dare devil feats
he trys.
I think he'd burn both ends
of the candle in less than
an hours time with all
his carryings about,
but he's sweet, he cares,
hugs me and says he loves me,
"Waaaayy up to the purplest, reddest Milky Way Mom"
that's how he measures his
love, in terms of how far he can take it.
And to him the Milky way is way beyond anything else.
He's my son,
a beautiful boy who will
grow to be a lovely, gentle Man.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

To A Friend

My Thank You

Beautiful World this is,
when there are people
like you
to help catch my fall,
when I'm down.

Listening to Dave Matthews
and Blue October;
singing along,
knowing that no matter
there is always your
voice
at the end of the line.

Couldn't get any better,
when my tears are falling
and there
you are in my mind-
lifting your hand to my chin
to meet your eyes with mine.

Thank you my beautiful friend
for being there for me
today.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Hand to Hold

A song of mine that I just got a sudden urge to write just now after listening to some of the new stuff that Darius Rucker has been doing in the country scene, especially his song "History in the Making". Hope you all think it's a good one. Enjoy!

A Hand to Hold

There are times
in our lives
we all see.

When we think
we can't get up
off our knees,

And face the day again.

Baby I, I didn't know
how good it could feel
with your hand so close

you pulled me up,
you touched my soul,
you gave me strength
when I didn't have a hold
to hold on too.

If ever you tired and broken,
if ever you think your alone,
Baby i'm right here holding
onto your hand,
and Baby I ain't letting go.

there will be
things you don't
want to see.

It will hurt
sometimes in life

It'll make you
want to give
up your fight.

If ever you tired and broken,
if ever you think your alone,
Baby i'm right here holding
onto your hand,
and Baby I ain't letting go.

I ain't letting go,
babe don't worry-
I won't let go.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Time and Place

I'm back. I really had no intentions of not blogging the last couple of days, but between the classes down in Memphis, the drive back home, this or that...there just wasn't time & I'm usually the first to say that there is always time to write. You fit it in, you squeeze it in here, or you rearrange things there to get in a few minutes of writing time. Its good for my soul to write. Its good therapy for my brain to stimulate and think over the days events and put into a poem, a story, or a line of thought that sums up my train of thoughts at that moment.

Here is a poem to sum up one of the nights I spent in Memphis..it was quite a riot! The poem itself sort of runs on and on, but I think it gives the right feel of the night. How it just seemed to last forever in a few hours time.



Time and Place

weary after class, I decided
upon a whim to put on a bathing suit
and head down to the hot tub
the hotel provided.
Met a woman from Virginia
chit chatted a bit, and discovered
a street called Beale existed in Memphis'
downtown..we agreed to go.
Coyote Ugly, BB Kings, lights a flashing
people walking and gawking
at this or that. Beaaauuutiful music
came flowing out onto the streets.
Jazzy tunes with a little blues.
I love these things, the mix of people
without regard to looks, backgrounds
and what nots. We walk down to Coyote's
and the doormen remember my friend,
apparently she'd been out the night before.
We walk in to find two fellow classmates
shooting a game of pool, New Orleans
was getting beat bad by Michigan's Woman.
4 games-outta 6, He couldn't master her.
But he held his own and gave respect,
Tipped his head a bit in a bow and let her take him
by the arm. He had lost a bet and
she reminded him of Karoake down the street.
Texas walked over, impressed by the lady's skills
and bought a round of Petrone for all.
Shit, There went my goal of no drinks for the night
and off to Karoake we went.
Virginia's country style led me down the street,
talking of horses and family and friends,
while Texas kept his stride just a bit back behind.
We all talked and laughed and headed into the bar,
Michigan handing out squares of paper-
guess New Orleans wasn't the only one
who had to take the stage.
"I didn't lose no bet, HE DID!
What you mean I gotta get up there?"
We sat and chatted, had a good time
Soon my name was called and I took the stage.
Been years since I've done that.
But sing I did and to my disbelief,
I heard woot wooing's throughout the bar,
a few stray whistles and shouts of "You go Girl!!!!"
people who knew me not stood at the door to listen,
stopped out on the streets by the blare of my voice
streaming through the speakers they'd posted outdoors.
I couldn't see the crowd in front of me,
and I'd drank enough not to care-
gone was all my stage fright.
When I was done, there was clapping all around
and I couldn't believe they really liked it.
But they did, they shore did.

New Orleans gave a smile, Michigan, Virginia
and Texas couldn't have been more impressed.
And I walked with my friends out on the streets,
walked with them clear up to our hotel.
Learned that Texas works with genomes research,
learned that Virginia had class and works with the homeless,
learned that New Orleans just plain ass had some style

and is a damn good photographer-
and Michigan, well that girl knows how to play pool,

a feat I envy.
Not a one of us will probably ever see each other again,
but we shore did have a good time, we shore did.
Such is the way things go, depending on the Time and Place.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Conversation and Tea

A poem for you to enjoy. Have a good night everyone and have fun untangling this one...

Conversation and Tea

As are all things,
the touch, feel, or smell
of them is different for each.
The quantity of qualities
mixed with tangible and intangible
perceptions of what is real and
what is not, is not the same
for everyone.

An example you say?

Well,
My hands are always cold, and small-
but you, you might find them to be fragile
or strong, depending on what you've
experienced or lacked in your
education of life.

Another example, you say?

Well, Not all knowledge
is lent in the books of shelves
randomly selected in alphabetical
orders that an illiterate man
would be unable to decipher

and yet, that same man- if relayed by
speech, was given the information
those books contain,
he'd surely give a more profound
insight into its words as he has heard them
in a different tune, one mute of
a trained reader's eye.

You don't follow my thought? That's alright,
proves my point.

You see, Our perception, thought, ideas-
these things we grasp and yet cannot hold,
they are infinite in their possibilities
though some would lay claim to demanding
they stay finite, that they have boundaries
to reassure their own measures.

But your measure is not mine and likewise,
as are all things,
the touch, feel, and even the smell
of them is different for each.

That is the beauty of life and is what
makes it worth living. It is, without a doubt,
the great debate between you and me.

Your shaking your head??? and cocking a half-smile at me!

Yes, I know, you still think I've lost a few marbles
here and there. Doesn't change how I think.
By the way, Did you like the tea?

Thinking Aloud

A morning post here- not normal for me. I'm soooooo not a morning person. But I've been getting a lot of rest for a change down here and I'm relishing it. So here's a random poem of thoughts rambling on.

Thinking Aloud


the world spinning 'round
milliions of miles gone by
and here, rooted to the ground,
I sit.

Doesn't feel like its moving,
no- in fact it feels very still,
as silly as it sounds, I'm wondering
how come we don't hear it whirring?

Probably with all our goins on,
all our carrying about,
we just don't hear much...
not even the silence that often beckons us
to listen.

I heard the other day that some
find it unnerving to be in a place
of silence. Really? I thought.
How could silence be so frightening?
Perhaps they are afraid to hear themselves
think? I don't really know.

Such a shame.

Silence, stillness-
my perception of it anyway
'cause the world is always moving-
They are beautiful
sometimes.

In just the right frame of mind
they are precious.

Ah, well look-
my attention has been diverted
from this train of thought
with sounds of morning.

Silence doesn't last very long
these days.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Home of My Heart

Memphis Training is going well...I will have to share pictures when I get the chance. I've met some very lovely people and hope to learn many things here. I'm in the mood to write a poem just now, let's see what I write:

Home of My Heart

When a tear should ever fall,
from your beautiful face
as Life is bound to cause them-
I would reach out to catch it
with my fingertips as they trace
the tear from your cheek
and I would hold you close to me,
kiss you softly on your cheek
and you would know without a doubt
you are here-in the home of my heart.

When loneliness comes calling
and you start to doubt
that anyone would really
want you there, it is then that
My hand would reach for yours
for you to see that I would
cradle your pains in my soul
just to comfort you and give you
my love and show you that place
you own- here in the home of my heart.

Small update..

Well yes, I did make it down here in one piece ;-)

It was a long drive, took my friend and I 10 hours to get down here. But everything went well, have to attend the training this morning so I'll be back later tonight to get my posts up! Take care everyone!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My Apologies

Ive been really, really busy with things and I missed posting last night. I'm leaving for Memphis, TN tomorrow and will be there the whole week.

Lately, I've really had my mind on some fellow bloggers who've left the blogger world. Some still have their blogs up, but haven't seen a post from them in over 5 months. Others have taken their entire blogs off of here- in fact I just saw that one was taken down today. Its sad to me really, makes me feel like for whatever reason, they didn't feel welcome in our blogging community anymore.

So to all of the wonderful people who've stopped blogging- please know that you are more than welcome here and I hope to see you each continue your writings once again.

See you each tomorrow once I make it in to the hotel where I'll be staying. I'm guessing it will be a late night post. Take care everyone and hope you're having a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A Gift from some dear friends across the Ocean

I know I've been sharing poems I've written for others here lately, but below is one of the most endearing gifts I've ever received that was sent to me just yesterday. Ajey has sent me a song he has written and suprised me with. If you have not checked out Brosreview, please do so- he and his Love, Annie, are talented song writers/poets and wonderful friends. He has given me permission to share this lovely song with each of you.

Thank you Annie and Ajey for writing such beautiful words and for your support.



From Annie and Ajey to a dear friend, April!


Finding Your Wings In Life

(Guitar + Bass INTRO)
(Drums begin)

Spread it out, spread it out
Discharge it all away
Strong within, you’re finding your wings in life

(Strings begin)

Crying out, wiping out
The silence breaks within
Find the space, fill it up to solve the mosaic

(Drum + Strings Fill)

But, she learns from life’s lessons
And, she’ll find the right direction

(DUAL VOCALS)
Still she leaned down
More than she could lean
She gathered and shared her strength with me
I wake up
From my dreams to reality

Tell it out, talk it out
Spill your feelings out
With me, as a friend or as a human

Let the rage, off the cage
Empty words, they mean something
Let it out
Let the string release your dreams

(Guitar bridge)

Don’t let unfulfilled dreams consume you
Never feel like giving up

(DUAL VOCALS)
Still she leaned down
More than she could lean
She gathered and shared her strength with me
I wake up
From my dreams to reality

Light reveals your transparent soul
And, I think of ways to fill that hole

(Strings solo)

(DUAL VOCALS + STRINGS SOLO BACKGROUND)
There came a revelation
Without any hesitation
You resolved my frustration
And, hid yours’ from me

(Drums fill)

(DUAL VOCALS + STRINGS SOLO BACKGROUND)
Now, that I am here
I am here as a friend
A friend to listen to your thoughts
Your thoughts that still lingers

(Drums break)
(ONLY GUITAR)

(DUAL VOCALS)
Still she leaned down
More than she could lean
She gathered and shared her strength with me
I wake up
From my dreams to reality

(Drums begin)
(Guitar solo)

(DUAL VOCALS)
Still she leaned down
More than she could lean
She gathered
She shared
Her strength with me
I wake up
From my dreams to reality

Light reveals your transparent soul
And, I think of ways to fill that hole
To make you smile, like a friend would do

(All instruments stop except guitar)

Spread it out
Spread it out
You’re finding your wings in life

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2009 (Brisbane, Australia; +61434360675; ajeypadival@msn.com)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Dead

Back in April of this year, I wrote this poem for Double Dolphin. I challenged myself to make a poem out of this one line that was on one of DD"s posts that was entitled "The Dead are an Ocean tide, reaching out to the living." I shared it with him on his blog, but did not share it here.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been sharing different poems each day that I've written for other people. I do hope you each have enjoyed them.

The Dead

The Dead are
an Ocean tide,
Reaching out
to the living.
The heavyness
of the waves
fill our bones
with the chills
of words
lost or forgotten,
better left unseen
and unheard.
For are we all
not in some way,
dead, when we
choose to hide
ourselves away
from the world,
lest someone see
what's inside of
Us.

Monday, November 9, 2009

An Unamed Poem to Share

Here is another poem I wrote for a fellow blogger friend, who at the time I sent it, was in a point of their life where they were struggling to find both comfort and peace in their lives. Both physically and emotionally. I am happy to say they are now in a much better frame of mind and even hopeful with their newfound love they've recently met. I am sooooo happy for them and I hope it continues to go well for the two of them!

I've never named it, and I really am not sure what to name it, so I'll leave it go for now. Hope you all enjoy it as much as my friend who needed it did and still does- they still thinks its my best work.


Veiled truths told,
as his body fell to unfold the mire
He shook and shivered
an indignation of solitude bearing mark
to the hand of fire.

Her stare, penetrating deep and asking
of him nothing less than to stand.
Pity she held not, but a flame of wonder
at the beauty she saw in him,
the quake of humanness unraveled.

Grappled in tears unshed, fears yet unborn
the grasp of hands tiny and slender like twigs,
pulled him from his weight of heartaches
etched in stone, covered in stains of years that echo,
and her roots made still the earth on which he trembled.

Shhh, she whispered on the air towards his ears,
music unlike any of which he heard.
Soothing they were, those branches that reached for him
and a stare that washed away mud of disillusions,
giving way for him to see the kindness of thoughts given to him.

only black gives way to light, marking the pathway,
for light is found best in mid of night, as midday never has held it.
Shhh, she whispered on the air, take comfort where least have found it.
Shhh, I am here to hold the weakened steady,
to walk along the way and give what is needed,
to keep you on your stay- in this life.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Running around with my Kiddos :-)

Yesterday I had a lot going on, so I just didn't get a post in. But, the good part is- is that I spent a lot of time with my kids yesterday and we had a really, really good time. I did have a few minor suprises happen. For instance, I was able to take myself, my kids, Triana, and her kids up to Elkhart to visit a friend of mine and then a friend of hers.

We made it to my friends place of work in relative peace- with the exception of a van full of kids yelling and screaming and carrying on (like kids do) so that I could drop off a present for them. I had bought a cd for my friend and I hadn't been able to give it to them since I live an hour away. I was able to chat for a bit which was nice (after getting the kids through the round of "I need to go potty Mom" and getting them all to the bathroom) and deliver my present.

When I went to leave, the van wouldn't start! Thank you my dear friend for kindly jumpstarting my van for me so that I could get to the next destination!

Then the rest of the day with the kids went fairly smoothly, made it to a birthday party for a set of triplets (that we weren't aware that they were having their birthday party since we thought it would be great to surprise them with our visit), and then the day got kind of stressful after I dropped off Triana and her kids to their respective places. But, it wasn't something I couldn't handle once I got a handle on myself and took a few deep breaths and talked out some things w/ a few good friends to help me get my head on straight so I could see through my anger rather than with it.

All in all, I really enjoyed the time with my kids.
The other stuff, well I learned to just let things that other people choose to do, roll of my shoulders. It just wasnt worth it to keep trying to make sense of stuff that just don't make a lick of sense.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Friend Once Said

well as promised here is another post for today. I wrote this for a friend of mine and wanted to share it.

A Friend Once Told Me by April Gerard

A friend once told me
The world was in my hands,
And I had to stop and pause
To think just what they meant.

A friend once said to me,
Never close your eyes
To the possibilities and the wonder
That comes from life’s surprises.

So I kept my eyes open,
hoping to see as they did.

A friend once said to me,
Without saying a word
That life was more than I had imagined,
That it was cared for without a doubt

Yes, I see now, just how my hands
Hold the world- it’s in the way I view things and
As my way of thinking starts to change,
I Cast away my doubts.

Wonder, Laugh, and Dream

I was extremely exhausted last night and I didn't feel very good at all... and I'm a bit disappointed with myself because of it. I did not get my daily post in and I did not get any writing done in my NaNo novel. The upside to yesterday was a smile as I read a few text messages sent to me by one of my dearest friends in the world. Someday I will show that person that they really do have wings- they must have with all the encouragement their friendship brings me.

Anyway, here is a poem to make up for my absence last night and I assure you, you'll see another post go up later this evening, after I get the work day done.

Wonder, Laugh, and Dream

Memories washed ashore, like the sand
A childhood memories hand, unbroken
difficult to face and yet here I stand,
unbroken too.

I smile in spite of myself at that.

You know here I think, I can still experience that wonder
age doesn't mean much when it comes to loving life.
I can still yet be the child I never was aloud to be.
Isn't the childish laughter we covet-
isn't it really just about being carefree and not taking life forgranted
in our innocence set free?

Yes, I think there is something to that thought.

So I say to myself, who says a grown up can't
play Tag, or Red Rover, or Hide and Seek?

Who says I can't love life and remind my friends
to do the same?

So, I wonder, if I scream (((((MARKO))))) loud enough,
Will others shout ((((POLO)))) and laugh and run with me?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'll share just a small excerpt...

and then you'll have to wait until the end of the month for me to post any more of it at all. But, I thought you each might like to know a little bit about the novel I've chosen to write for the NaNoWriMo contest. So without further ado, here is the excerpt that I have posted on NaNoWriMo:

Dark Wings


She opened her eyes to the scene around her. Her vision was hazy and it was with great effort that she re-focused her eyes on where she was. And just where was she??? Her head bent down to look at the rest of her, and she realized that she was lying down, sprawled out, with her face against the smooth of cold, damp stone. Her body ached. Her disorientation continued as she heard a “whoosh” sound.

What was that?

Then she realized that sound was coming from her. How was that possible? Then she saw a few black feathers stretch up to her face. She realized with shock- she had wings. But they weren’t the white pretty pictured things that people so often dream about, these were sleek black wings- startling against her pale skin. My skin, she realized. Her hand ran down to her chest to reveal that there were no clothes. Nothing covering her as she laid on the coolness of damp stone. Which brought her around to her next thought.

Where was she?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I have taken a challenge...

..and may have taken on more than I can chew, but we will see where it goes!



I have signed up (a day late I might add) for the NaNoWriMo challenge.Thank you Fantastic Forrest for mentioning it to me (I had never heard of it before). I've never, ever tried this before but Yes, I'm going to see if I can cook up a novel in a one month. A completely new novel aside from the ones I'm already working on (part of the rules of the contest). I started it last night and found it to be refreshing, a nice change of pace- although I'm already way behind schedule. I'm not planning on winning, just planning on sticking to the idea of writing something everyday for just this month.

We will see how that goes, especially with my work schedule.

But, I do have a whole week in Memphis coming up in a couple of weeks for a training I have to attend, so...I'm thinking that will work to my advantage, give me quiet time to relax and write in the evenings. So far I've written like a little over 1200 words (the contest is based on reaching 50,000 words, not on quality of work, so I'm supposed to just let her rip and not try to edit myself in the process. THaT is going to be a serious issue for me but I'm bound and determined to at least give this my best efforts.

So here's to writing with no inhibitions, at least I'm beginning to think that's the point of this....

Monday, November 2, 2009

Rage

I wrote this several weeks ago. I got to thinking on some things and this is what came out. I should first tell you, that I'm not in any way mad or upset- the point of writing this was to spell out in small bits at a time, what another's Rage could do to someone else and more importantly what it could do to yourself if it is you who harbor the rage. I wasn't going to post this, sometimes I write stuff and then just don't feel like sharing it, but for some reason I felt perhaps I should share it this time.



What Rage Could Do

Furious
Broken
Bottled
Emotions
Solid
Pounding
Missed
Surroundings
Taken
Stolen
Beaten
Abused
Fear
Of
Self
Pain
You'd
Let
Loose
Head
Hung
Low
Shamed
Walled
Emptied
Apart
Shivered
Quaked
The
End
of the
Start,
When
Waked
from the
Rage
You'd
Fear
Alone
While
Bereft
of all
Chased
away
with
Tears
Free.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

It Was Her 10th Birthday yesterday..

But we celebrated today, since we had all the Halloween stuff going on yesterday. I couldn't get the birthday picks uploaded onto the laptop, so here are some random pics taken over the last year. The first one is with Triana's oldest daughter- they get along quite well, which Triana and I find hilarious and ironic at the same time (considering our longstanding friendship). We both agree that our girls have one thing we didn't- they've practically grown up together.





Don't know what I would have done without her all these years. Isn't she beautiful?
My beautiful daughter,
I have loved you from the moment
I came to know you were
going to be
a
part of my life.
May you grow into a strong,
wise and loving soul.
May you always find it in your heart
to show others your compassion,
while holding true
to all that makes you
You.

Blindness

Sometimes, I just don't know.

and I'm ok with not knowing things-at least when it comes to being there for someone and not knowing exactly what it is that's got them down.

For instance right now I have a friend who is struggling with a certain life situation and for right now they've only shared with me the surface details, a hint here and there that something isn't quite right in their life. They've put up a certain wall of defense over the years (one I'm all too familiar with as I still have the wall of "bubble space" issues) and because of that, they've never learned to trust and lean on someone for support when they need it (at least I'm fairly sure that's the case here, but I don't want to assume that that is the absolute case).


So, as a friend, I offer my support even though I'm "blind" to the situation.


What I guess I'm saying is that while I really don't know what the issue is, it doesn't really matter- I'm still going to offer my hand of friendship, a hug if they need it, and a listening ear/shoulder to lean on should they decide to take it.

Friday, October 30, 2009

By Chance: A poem by me

By Chance

Tender endearing opulence
a thought unthought before reaching
out to test the time of ages,
undividing the divide between
two souls who meet in chance,
the chance so fleeting, yet permanent
in its stain.

Ripples of faded lithe once held in the branch
of time, seldom seen in eyes unyielding
to the birth of fate discarded while destiny
began its trek to be born when happenstance
laid its hand on the very shoulders
of stubborn streaks and Independence
that once marked freedom,
you thought to be in your hands.

A road traveled and so little worn
from feet never having touched its ground,
yet the familiar draw beckons you
its a path you knew, have seen before
and breath in its smell of comforts,
like a home that somehow got lost in transcendence
and fell outside of your periphery vision that held
goals and dreams to be had at your perseverance.

Bending time in shape and sound,
a view that askew with unanswered questions
and belies the thought of finite definitions
that seek to lay its claim on naming life,
a bend of thought perhaps to be pondered,
but...

"Chance has its hands on your Time."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

My Wants to Give

this is sort of a lullaby/bluesy/jazz sort of song in my head that I've been writing and singing to myself the past couple of days. Hope you like it.

My Wants to Give

shifting sounds in my head,
wondering where things are.
I want to tell you and say please
take my hand, hold it close
allow me to wipe your tears
when they start to fall.

words are empty with no meaning
when a soul needs more to grow
I want to tell you and say please
take my love,hold it close
allow me to ease your fears
should they break your wall.

I've never enough ways to say
what all there is here in my head.
I want to tell you and say please
take my all, hold it close
and know I am always here
everytime, everytime you call

For me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wonder of Life

Life never ceases to amaze me.

There is always something to learn, to do, to understand, to see in different ways. Even the hard parts of life offer something worthwhile to help shape your character, your will, your dreams. It still amazes me, after all I've seen in life that's clearly not been good by anyone's standards- I still find it beautiful.

Just wanted to share that thought tonight.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My One Line To Say It All

Hoping.Wishing.Dreaming.Writing.Thinking.Working.Crying.Trying. and a few prayers in between. That's how I've felt today. I'm going to share a comic I drew way back when. I've posted it before, but its a good reminder for me today and it is a bit humorous, which we all need a little bit of every now and then. So Here it is:








Monday, October 26, 2009

Will You Walk With Me?

You wouldn't believe how much better I feel today!

Below, is another poem of sorts. A conversation of my thoughts relayed to each of you. Hope you each had a wonderful start to your week!

Will You Walk With Me?

My mind has been wandering,
it seems for days,
lost in thoughts and ponderings of late
that bring me to wonder what is fate?

I've been thinking of two roads,
choices laid in front of me,
a third choice exists still and I've
promised only that one I know I'll travel.

Yes, I've one goal in mind to reach at all costs.

But, the other ones- tentative strings,
hopeful wishes within me.
That third is more possible, but most
wouldn't see it that way, most wouldn't understand.

They would say how could the farthest,
the most outlandish desire of dreams-
how could that...? How could that
be the most feasible feat?

And I would say,

Because it is the only one that depends
only on what decision I make, on what actions I take.
The others? Well, those take other decisions outside of me
To determine the shape those paths might take.

You see,

I'm walking a road that leads to my dreams,
a road few others see, or at least not the way I do.
I'm praying others join this road I travel
and reach unfullfilled dreams- their legacy.

With all my soul, I hope they do. I really hope they do.

But I cannot help others walk it,
they must learn to use their own two feet.
So my dear friends are you planning your steps?
Are you chasing your dreams?

Tell me, will you walk with me?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Perceptions

I'm starting to feel a little bit better today. I definitely was not up to par this weekend. I spent alot of time just vegetating around the house (as much as anyone with kids running around can anyway.) So, here I am, feeling a bit better and making a post. I'm in a bit of a thinking mood, so pardon me if I end up not making any sense throughout this post. I tend to "think out loud" or in this case, "write out loud".

I've been thinking alot on perception. How we each see things differently and interpret things differently. I've also been giving a lot of thought to the idea that we each have just a few handful of people that we try our very hardest to help them see things from our point of view. These are the ones who mean the most to us, the ones we want to share every bit of ourselves with- both the good and the bad, and everything in between. The problem is we can't ever see every angle that someone might be looking at the same idea or concept with.

You know its sort of confusing but I often wonder if the perception another may have of you isn't what you think they see and instead they see what you're saying but not in the same way you'd have thought. And to top it all off, we never really see each other until we stop looking at each other through our own perceptions and start to wonder what theirs might be...

If I've thoroughly confused you, well I apologize for that, my thinking does sometimes get that way :)

I suppose I could go a multitude of different ways with these thoughts of mine, but I know I've a long week, well month really, of traveling and what nots for work so I'll leave this go for now and try to get some rest.

Hope you all had a good weekend and lets hope that tomorrow isn't a bad Monday!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

An Award...

The Dear Diane over at Here is My Heart has graciously given me a mention and offered up this award:




Of, course, there is also a one word answer meme attached to it, so here goes:

Where is your cell phone? pocket

Your hair? brown

Your mother? crazy
Your father? jailed

Your favorite food? pasta
Your dream last night? friends
Your favorite drink? milk
Your dream/goal? writer
What room are you in? office
Your hobby? writing
Your Fear? fear

Where do you want to be in 6 years? dreams
Where were you last night? home

Something that you aren’t? Tall

Muffins? blueberry
Wish list item? freedom
Where did you grow up? Indiana
Last thing you did? driving
What are you wearing? Jeans
Your TV? hate

Your pets? none
Friends? few
Your life? mess
Your mood? tired
Missing someone? always

Vehicle? van
Something you’re not wearing? jewelry
Your favorite store? ugh.
Your favorite color? Blue.
When was the last time you laughed? Today.
Last time you cried? lastnight.
Your best friend? Triana
One place that I go to over and over? work

One person who emails me regularly? T, D, & A. :) My three best friends.
Favorite place to eat? all kinds.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The World's Greatest Achievement

I don't feel well tonight, so my apologies- but I'll make this short.

I did want to share a thought I had about Music. I love music in all its varied forms and in a phone conversation today with a friend I stated that "music is short stories wrapped up in sounds." And that my dear friends is what makes music so damn good. It is, in my opinion, the world's greatest achievement.

Take care everyone. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Words of Wisdom from other Bloggers

Its been a very long day, 12 hours straight of working. So I'll leave you all with just a few blogger quote's I found on a few of our fellow bloggers' pages:

"Sometimes, truth can be found in the *margins*. "- Kris at This Will Hurt Me

"Shelve your indifference."- Je Maverick at Poetry, Love Poems, and Fun

"My butterfly friend returned yesterday and I chased her around the yard as she flew from flower to flower"- Marion at Dragonfly's Poetry and Prolixity

"With the heartache and pains of life I have let way to much stuff get in the way of my dreams"- God's Child at Expanding My Wings (don't worry my friend, I didn't put your name here, so no worries about that)

"Sometimes, there really is no translation."- Bee at The Desk of Bee Drunken

"Consumed but not devoured....Penniless but never poor" The Write Girl at Write In Motion

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Needle of Hope: Another Short Story

I did have a wonderful time out tonight, listening to the very talented and smooth songs of Nathan Holley. Below is another fictional short story I've been working on for the past few days. Hope you enjoy it. It does deal with some hard things in life, but like most of my stories- there is hope to be found. Have a lovely evening guys and enjoy the read!

Needle of Hope

He braced himself against the dark of the concrete wall, crouched down with his legs slightly apart and his head hanging in between them with his hands on top as if to cradle the pain away. The alley was dark, wet with acrid smells. Just less than a half foot away from him laid the needle and all the contraband that went with it. The memories of what it would feel like if he just gave in one last time nearly suffocated him with desire. There was no greater feeling. Nothing more powerful to block out the pains.

He shook his head violently, pleading with himself to not touch it again as he began to rock back and forth. The shaking spread to the rest of his body, he didn’t know if he had the strength to resist it. The temptation was so strong. But he knew, deep down he knew that it would not cure his empty heart of its suffering. The best it did was numb it. A mind blowing numbness that he wished with all his heart that he had never known. Wished he had never sunk so low as to even think to touch the foul stuff. Was there nothing worth more than his aching need to pump himself full of the poison?

A picture flashed in his head.

She had had long honey brown ponytails. Her barefeet had been dancing on his one foot as he had held on to her tiny hands. He’d put on some soul and watch her eyes gleam wide as she rush up to dance with her daddy. Such beautiful brown eyes. Like a chocolate drop had been placed in the very centers of her soul. She was the sweetest thing He’d ever known and she had adored him.

Not many fathers got to say that about their little girls. He’d bring home a Hershey kiss every night and drop it in her hands, even as her mother looked on unapproving of his actions. But he was rewarded with the biggest smile and sparkling eyes. He’d whisper softly to her as he bent down to hug her, “Daddy loves you more than anything in the world princess.” She had been 4 and a half then. And he never stopped bringing her home kisses, even the day when she was gone.

They had looked and looked for her. The whole town had looked for her. She was no where to be seen or heard. His whole soul had cried out in agony and frustration at the loss. Who…who? Who would dare take his princess from him?

The very center of his universe. Gone.

In his remembrance of her just then, he’d failed to notice the tears. For too long he’d tried to force her face from his minds eye. For too long he’d forgotten why he had lived. She had taught him to live. He continued to rock back and forth. Shaking his head in the pain. He should not have forgotten her.

Then without knowing why, he reached absentmindly in his pocket. And, there in his pocket was a Hershey kiss. Had he put it there? It was a bit mushed from being in there for god knows how long, but it was her kiss. He held the marvel in his hands. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

He looked over at the needle waiting for his deft hands to puncture his skin. Shakily he stood up. This was not how she would want her daddy to live. Staring at the Hershey kiss like he’d found home again, he took in a gulp of air and on weakened limbs-walked away from the needle without so much as looking back. He then brought the small candy to his lips to kiss her memory.

His love for her was stronger than anything else- including the fix. He didn’t need it anymore.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Be You and be Free

"To be free to be me, well to me, that sounds like the best way to be." - me


There are so many things in life that seems to weigh people down. But really, I think they are just afraid to let others see who they really want to be, to see the things they really want to do, to be free enough to say to others "if you're gonna love me, love me for who I am and not for what you wish me to be."

It is my hope that you each find the courage to be yourselves, to be comfortable in your own skin and to follow whatever & wherever your passions might lead you to make a difference- for yourself and for those you love.

Just some thoughts of mine I thought I'd share with you all tonight. Take care and I'll be back. My post tomorrow might be a little later in the evening as I'm going to a local concert tomorrow night. Until then..

Monday, October 19, 2009

One quote and a few laughs

I have two things and since its late, I'll keep this post short.

First, I heard the best quote from a good friend of mine, she said:

"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." Count your blessings!- J.L.

Second, the other day I was introduced to the funniest comedian I've heard in a long, long time. One of Triana's friends insisted we get to know this comedian. His name is Russell Peters. Please make sure you have at least an hour of free time to watch this- Triana and I just about died laughing at it!!!!

Have a great night everyone!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Believing in Yourself

I'm am still working out this chapter in my book that I've started yesterday, it is one of the most complex parts of my story and is taking a lot of my time to think out, but I am glad that I am back into the swing of writing. I'd like to share a video that sort of tells how I feel about holding on to a dream and sticking to it with unwavering faith. This is probably not a favorite of my best friend Triana, but this is also a choice of music where we tend to diverge from. I'm more into the old school/new school R&B than she is (she doesn't appreciate my Teddy Pendergrass cd) and that's ok.

I was completly fascinated with both of these singers, who you'll see in this video, when I was younger. Both women have come through so much in their lives and have continued to carry on in their dreams. So here you go:


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Lean On Me

I've decided to take some time today to breath. Yesterday's events did not bode well for me, but I won't go into them here.

I am more determined than ever to finish my books. Did you know that despite my busy work schedule and other issues, I've managed to write ideas, thoughts, and a few pages here and there in my book I called Kipleyarren? I'm really excited about how its turning out, though I'm convinced there is more I should be doing with it and more revising that will need to be done.

Many of you have read some of the chapters I posted previously this year and I have since changed its name, done a lot of revising, added several chapters, and I am still working towards its completion. There are days when I am weary to the bone, but I have not given up on my dream of writing. I have taken the advice of a dear friend and have started scheduling time for myself each week to relax, unwind, and write.

I'll see you all tomorrow and let you know how I progressed with my writing today. Until then, I'd like to share a song to show my dearest friends just how much they mean to me and to say thank you for lifting me up when I was so down yesterday:

Friday, October 16, 2009

A different poem of mine

This one is a little different from my usual stuff, but I have a feeling that there will be a few of you who will understand this.

The Stage Set Free

Like the stage set before us, the scene that is unseen.
A puppeteer's Master still holding the strings
one piece he is missing, something not thought of,
Once clarity sets in, one by one the strings break-
of being human once again they nodded to the ache.

Masters and plans were carefully laid out,
but set in stone was not how a life was meant to lead
and two by two they found themselves freed.
lost and wandering still the master cried,
how could you leave what I have survived?

But humanness called such a beckoning call,
the hearts heard what the eyes could not recall.
Disbelief with incredulous wonder,
The master could not still such wonderous thunder.
As he sat back and watched with much to ponder.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Held in My Head

Its kind of noisy here where I'm at. Triana and I decided we'd been neglecting our old hangout spot for far too long and so here we are, once again at Deer Park here in Fort Wayne. Unbeknowst to us, its Octoberfest beer tasting night here.

Fun, fun...not for me. I don't do beer, and on top of it I'm the girl getting stares that feel a bit awkward to me all while I type along on my laptop- did I mention I'm in a bar, typing????

Well, anyway here's a small poem for you each and I'm going to get back to catching up on the weeks events with Triana.

Held in My Head

The brush of thoughts,
a soft promise,
hushed in my head.
I hope you mean it.

I think of these
often enough to
drive an insane person
sane. or insane again.

Curious isn't it?
how it all seems to fit
somehow. but I'm
still not sure how.

Right or wrong I
don't know. But then
I never claimed to
know it all, still learning.

Trying to untangle my thoughts
from brinks of uncertainty
tossed with empty hopes
gone astray, lost but saved.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Favorites

I've got a lot on my mind right now, so rather than post a poem, story, or something else like that I'd like to post some of my favorite quotes that I have plastered to my wall next to my desk at work. They are:

"When one door closes another opens. But often we look so long so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us." Helen Keller

"It is the surmounting of difficulties that make heroes." Louis Kossuth

"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others' eyes for an instant?" Henry David Thoreau

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." Oscar Wilder

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein

I hope you each are having a good week no matter where you are in the world or where you are in life.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Longing

Well, its been a long day for me, but I've managed to write a short poem tonight. I do hope you like it.

A Longing

There are sad tears,
here in my eyes.


come closer to me,
the moonlight is getting thin,
I miss the touch of skin
on mine.

Trace my outline with your fingertips,
my face held in your hands,
and my hands reaching up
to bring you closer.


But you are not there,
its just a dream.

There are sad tears in my eyes,
is this how it will always be?
You so far removed and away
from me?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Reflection

You know I was looking back on one of my very first posts on this here blog of mine and it got me to thinking about all the things I've been trying to accomplish for myself over the last year. Particularly, I had asked myself this question at the very end of it:

"How do you feed yourself the food that matters most when you've stuffed yourself away?"

I think it was that question that led me to explore my thoughts, my triumphs, and my fears here on this blog. If ever you wanted to spend several hours doing nothing but reading my posts from beginning to end, you'd see the changes in me. I guess I'm just saying thank you to each of you for following along with this journey of mine and for continuing to do so in spite of the fact that I've missed a few days of posting here and there lately.

I think this blog has been exactly the kind of food I needed to grow. I hope it is and/or has been the same for you as well. See you all tomorrow night!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Swallowing Fear: A Short Story

I finally wrote another fictional short story. In case you haven't been able to guess, each short story deals with the emotional responses and decisions that people make in response to some of the darker sides of life. I'm attempting to show the strength, tenacity, and beauty of humans inner strength. The beautiful ways in which we learn and love- and grow. I do hope you each are enjoying these shorts as I post them.

Swallowing Fear by April L. Gerard

She stood staring out the window. The rain was coming down in sheets. It made the green things greener, giving the day an eerie forlorn look to it. “Nature being exposed in the shower of its tears- in its naked form,” she thought. Just thinking that made her want to wrap it up protectively, shielding it from such pain and humility. She knew such emotions well, she'd been living with them inside her for what seemed like forever. Never would she wish for anyone to feel such heartache, not even Nature herself.

She glanced over at the last suitcase sitting in the corner as she ran her hand across the window sill, the dark mahogany trim gave her comfort. The contrast it made against her own paleness reminded her of strong arms that she longed to be there to hold her. But He wasn’t. He couldn’t be. And she would never ask him to be.

The thoughts that wandered out from their hiding places brought forth anxious, desperate tears. She’d just have to let this go, there was no need to allow those thoughts to go any further. He wasn’t hers and she certainly wasn’t his. It was all foolishness to think it might be possible anyway. There was more at stake today than just a fleeting thought of happiness in the future. Futures had a way of becoming unsteady when the present day's decisions ran a different course than originally intended. She needed to stay focused, she'd deal with her emotions later.

Turning from the window with a sigh, she walked over to her bed and continued getting dressed. The heavy empty feeling in her stomach made her queasy. And the queasiness led to a growing anger at herself. She should have left a long time ago. The other occupant of her household never asked permission- he took what he wanted, when he wanted it -including her.

So long it seemed that she had taken it. She had bore the brunt of his childish behaviors over the years. Sprung from insecurities that he’d never bother to look at inside himself, they left her trembling in a raw, edgy fear. She was tired of trying to protect him from his own demons. She was tired of protecting herself from them. She was tired of hiding the truth from the world. He’d have to learn to live this life without her.


The photograph sitting framed on her dresser caught her eye. They had been happy together once. Or maybe she had just pretended he was happy with her, convincing herself that she didn’t deserve much more in life than him anyway. She shook her head angrily at that thought and impulsively reached for it and laid it face down. No need to have him watch her every move as she laid out her plans. He’d watched and controlled enough of her life. It was time for her to feel the sun shine for a change, not just watch it glow from a distance.

She moved silently over to her last suitcase, pulled up the handle to allow it to roll behind her. She took one last look around. She could do this. And then she walked out the door, down the hall, and out into the rain.

As she reached the yellow car parked in front she looked up at the sky. There in the distance, the same direction she'd be heading, was a beautiful rainbow brought on by the rays of sun sneaking their way through the cloud filled sky. She smiled inwardly. This learning to re-live again thing was going to be freedom unlike any she'd ever felt, and it felt good to know it was waiting for her.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I've Been Waiting

I can't believe that I am still awake, but I am.

I've decided that Midnight Wire wasn't my best poetry ever, but I'll leave it posted anyway. Below is a song that I wrote a while back, its very simple but I think I like it. I do hope all of you are having or will be having a wonderful weekend. I'm off to try to sleep, Take care Everyone!

I've Been Waiting (a song by me)



I've been waiting
a long time
tell me when I'm gonna
see you shine
I've been feeling
way down


Tell me when I'm gonna
see you my friend
And is your heart beating
just like mine is again?


I've been waiting
on you
I've been waiting
on you
a long time

a long time


Sometimes I just stare
across the sky
hoping each day gives me
one more try


will you open up your heart
to me?
and do you see the things
that I see?


I've been waiting
on you
I've been waiting
on you


Baby I've been Waiting
on you
I've been waiting on you..
a long time.

a long time.

Midnight Wire

Last night was one of the worst sleepless nights I've had in a long time. I'm hoping I can survive the workday, but for now- here is another poem. Its a little different from my normal stuff I think, so I may have to re-read this later and see what I think about it. I may post again later tonight...

Midnight Wire

Strung up tight
ready to spring
a midnight wire
in me you bring.

How does this
make me feel-
a midnight wire
in me you steal?

Confusion sets
along the rest
a midnight wire
in me you test.

Along this road,
tenuous hold
a midnight wire
in me you've mold.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Trembles of Thoughts

Well, This week is proving to be a challenging and very busy week. Today was the first day of the annual audits, but since I'm typing this (rather late tonight), I've apparently survived it so far. Below is a Poem/Song. Hope you like it.

Trembles of Thoughts

These hands of mine,
They always seem so small.
And sometimes
I tremble inside of me.
Could you still my beating heart,
when I feel this afraid?

Tears often fall
when I'm so unsure
the ground seems
to shake beneath me.

I can't always pick myself up
whenever it seems I've fallen.
I hold onto what little hope
I have left.

My eyes don't always see
the way others do
I know I walk alone
in my journeys.

But..
Just once, I'd like to see
others take a stand
and change the world
with their own two hands.

These hands of mine,
They always seem so small.
And sometimes
I tremble inside of me.
Could you still my beating heart,
when I feel this afraid?