Sunday, December 28, 2008

No answers

I didn't get into the christmas spirit so much this year.

In fact I just didn't have the heart for it. But I survived, I guess. One thing I could not bring myself to do-no matter how many times I tried to tell myself I should- I could not make that phone call.

The phone call that should have been "Hey Dad. How are things your way? The kids are growing like weeds. Working all the time still....etc, etc,etc." Instead it would have been,"When are you going to grow up? What did you do this time and how many years are we looking at? Did you think about your grandkids before you went on your pity me soap box and drank so much you lost your mind again. Since when is your selfish needs more important than that of the rest of the worlds? ......? And I would have ended up having the same conversation I've been having with him since I was 5. I just didn't have the heart anymore. I knew long ago that nothing I ever said would change his messed up view of how the world should be to him. He needs help and lots of it. I just couldn't give him that one phone call, because I was tired of giving. period.

Maybe I'll regret this, but I just didn't have it anymore. I'm 29, he's 47 and supposed to be grown up already. I think he's just afraid of living without his oblivion. I think he doesn't want to know the world for what it would be without drunk eyes. He's afraid of what he might see.


Lynette said...

I didn't grow up with an alcoholic father, but the issues he brought into our home were every bit as damaging, so I very much relate to what you have expressed here.

After my mother died, several years ago, my father remarried very quickly and pretty much abandoned my brother, sister, and myself. Thankfully, the woman he married wouldn't let him dump us completely, but I'm not so sure that's always a blessing.

I never ask anything of my father--not even for the kids, because if I do, I always pay for it emotionally. There is always a price. There has always been a price, so I find it better to maintain my distance.

malena Sandra said...

Well I know everything about the distruction,selfdistruction,lowselfasteam,other neg.stuf comming from groving up with alkoholistick "grownups"who did not react as responsible grownups,making everything and everyone close to them damaged for life.In order to protect yourself you need to be tough to them,it is adiction and not everyone is strong enough to be strong ex adict,so if you care,write it of you,you can decide later what to do with it.It makes me sad knowing that you too have that kind of sadness in your life.Sing darling,it will be better,burn a candle,incence,meditate,go for a walk in to nature,talk to your loveones,but do not go alone.If you allow me yo tell you all this(I need moust to learn that what I preach).Love Aleksandra