Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My List

In recent conversations with a friend of mine, we have been discussing the New Year's thing. She likes the idea of a New Years resolution, whereas I, have never bothered- not even tried to come up with one. I just never really cared for the idea because it implies (to me anyway) that no one will really keep it anyway- so why not lie to each other and pretend its ok. In case you couldn't tell, I prefer the truth of things- no matter how ugly it might be.
During our conversation I did share with her something else that I intend to do, but its more long term. I have a list of people in my head that I'd like to get to the opportunity to meet someday, preferably, while I'm still of sound mind. I dont want to just meet and say "Hey. How's it going." I want to be able to pick their brains and have normal everyday conversations with them. I've been thinking this list over for a while now, some are very recent additions and some have inspired me for a long time. Each has my personal reason as to why I'd like to meet them. And as I promised to my fellow friends below is some of the people on my list and the reasons why:

1. Stephanie Meyer, Author of the Twilight series. I know, I know. Its supposed to be a teenage series, but my sitter told me that they were so good she couldn't put them down. I did it all backwards however and went to see the movie first, to see if it interested me. First off- I'm not the chick flick, romance gushy, touchy feelly type. But, having said that, I did understand the core of the story's appeal. Wouldn't we all like to have that impossible fairy tale?
What made me want to meet her was at the back of the one the books ( she is also a fan of Blue October) and the fact that "Breaking Dawn" took me by suprise. My own creativity was rekindled further along by her inventive writing. If anything, I'd like to tell her in person Thank you for sharing your imagination with us.

2. Katie Couric, News Anchor. No, its not about the news. Its more to do with an interview I read about her. Someone had asked her about her late husband's passing and how he must've led a good long life. Her response had been something along the line of, "I get angry when people say that. He was 40 some years old and died of colon cancer- he got the short end of the stick." I guess you could say that it reminded me of how human she really was.

3. Shinedown, the band. Of the recent rock bands to emerge, they top my list as one of the best for more than just because they look good or their because their music is great. Brent the lead singer, not only sings from the soul- but is extremely motivational and inspirational. Go to a concert and listen to what he says in between each song- you'll get what I'm talking about. And from the two minute or less encounter with Zach, it seems the rest of the band is truly down to earth. I would love to sit a just talk with these guys.

4. The Hoyt Team. Probably not as well known to people, but do a search on them and you'll find one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching stories of a father and son team. I've never known such love or respect could be given to a dad and so I felt strongly that this guy should be commended for setting such a beautiful example of what it means to be a not just a parent, but a dad who had faith in his child and loved him no mattered what.

5. Bon Jovi. I don't have to tell you who he is, but did you know he is an ambassador for Habitat for Humanity? I find that to be one of the most interesting things ever.

6. Hannah Jones. I doubt you know her either, unless you've read the news lately. She's the 13 year old who has refused a heart transplant and won the right to die respectfully at home. Having personally watched my childhood friend, Melissa Pletcher, die several months ago after two heart transplants and several attempts at an artificial heart (the first transplant was age 22 and she died at age 27)- I understand how this little girl could come to the conclusion she has.

7. Tony Dungy. Let me clarify one thing, I am not in any way, shape, or form interested in sports. I never have been. But I do like to read and what I've read about him has made me take a double take. He's taken his life's adversity and struggles and met them head on. To me that takes a inner strength that most don't have and I find that worthy of admiration.

8. M. Night Shyalaman. I don't like all of his films, but I do like the ideas he's trying for. I think for me, I just want to meet him to get a better understanding of what he's thinking when he does things with his films that don't make any sense to me. I admire the fact the he keeps on trying despite a large amount of criticism being thrown his way.

9. Owen Wilson. This one is simply because my best friend says I'm like him on the rare moment I choose to let out my emotions when I get excited. I think I just want to see if I'm really anything like him or he's anything at all like me. Its simply curiosity that's got me on this one.

10. Michelangelo. But since he's been dead for centuries, I'll settle for seeing the Sistine Chapel. I own a biographical on him and found it fascinating. I also read a recent study someone did of his work at the Sistine Chapel and smiled. He apparently had some not so nice things to say to those in rule and chose to voice opinion (the only way he could have without being killed) via certain things he depicted in his painting.

There are more, but this blog is getting long and I think you get the idea. And in case anyone was wondering, yes, I have met one person on my list and that was the CEO of Habitat International, Johnathon Reckford.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I'm amazed...

I now have 20 chapters done or mostly done for my fiction novel entitled "Kipleyarren". What started out as a way to keep me creative and imaginative, has become something more. I feel slightly accomplished- though there is still a long way to go. I have no idea how to get published or for that matter whether or not it will be well recieved by others. But some of my closest friends and not so close friends are all in agreement- they think its good. And some were mad at me for making them read it when I'm clearly not finished, because they wanted to know what happens.

Its taken me two and half years to get it this far with as crazy as my work schedule is. I've also discovered how truly difficult it is to express in words what you see so clearly in your mind. I admit its easier to lose yourself in your mind than it is to show others whats inside. I'm determined to see the end result of my writing adventure. I'll keep you all posted as I continue.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

No answers

I didn't get into the christmas spirit so much this year.



In fact I just didn't have the heart for it. But I survived, I guess. One thing I could not bring myself to do-no matter how many times I tried to tell myself I should- I could not make that phone call.



The phone call that should have been "Hey Dad. How are things your way? The kids are growing like weeds. Working all the time still....etc, etc,etc." Instead it would have been,"When are you going to grow up? What did you do this time and how many years are we looking at? Did you think about your grandkids before you went on your pity me soap box and drank so much you lost your mind again. Since when is your selfish needs more important than that of the rest of the worlds? ......? And I would have ended up having the same conversation I've been having with him since I was 5. I just didn't have the heart anymore. I knew long ago that nothing I ever said would change his messed up view of how the world should be to him. He needs help and lots of it. I just couldn't give him that one phone call, because I was tired of giving. period.



Maybe I'll regret this, but I just didn't have it anymore. I'm 29, he's 47 and supposed to be grown up already. I think he's just afraid of living without his oblivion. I think he doesn't want to know the world for what it would be without drunk eyes. He's afraid of what he might see.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Me, its just me.

I was truly surprised and a bit taken aback by my new co workers assessment of me. No one that has ever gotten to know me has ever said that I wasn't optimistic.... until now.



Apparently, I'm a realist-neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a person who sees all sides of the coins for what it is and what it isn't.



After thinking some on it, I have to admit when taking a look at myself "from the outside looking in" perspective, it makes a lot of sense. I just never really noticed it before or maybe I never really defined that part of myself in the forefront of my mind. Interesting though isn't it? The things people assess about another person based on their experiences and conversations.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Revisiting my issues with Parkview

I found this shortly around the same time I posted my blog about Making Things or Taking Things. Below is a review of some of the things that another person had to say about parkview and what could have been done with the 3mil that Parkview spent on the ballpark and a link to the full article is included:


1-Parkview is a not for profit. They pay no property taxes on millions of dollars in buildings. Luthern does.
2-Parkview gets additional tax abatements as partners in a number of doctor office buildings here in Fort Wayne. Luthern does not.
3- $300,000 would provide thousands of seniors with yearly supplies of drugs that they can not afford on SS and small retirement incomes, even with Medicare.
4- $300,000 would supply tens of thousands of home bound meals and the ways of delivering them.
5- A fraction of that would allow PTC to continue some bus service to those who have it as their only mode of transporation.
6- Provide some help to the thousands of patients who have insurance but the coverage does not cover everything. What is left Parkview has no problem of sending the remaining balance to collection agency. Which hurts the person’s credit rating. We won’t talk about how quick these collection companies will sue someone and attach their wages. BTW, Parkview splits what the agency recovers.
7- This would cover 5,000 of those who don’t have as much or are laid off, with utility bills.
8- Try sending 70 kids to Ivy Tech for a year.
9- Provide Indiana/Purdue with grant money for additional research.
10- You would think their cost of services would be a fair amount less then for profit Luthern. It is not. Why? Because they are top heavy in management. If they where for profit they would get purchased in a heartbeat, gutted of the over loaded top management, and resold at a huge profit.
11- Buy unknown number of portable heart defibs to stock public buildings.
12- Help buy fire gear for all the volunteer fire departments that are in their market area.

This is a portion of what J.Q. Taxpayer wrote on:

http://fortwaynepolitics.com/2008/09/parkview-park/

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Learning to Fly

I promised to you all that I would post more comics and now here is the latest one. It really fits my depressive spirit as of late. But I think, more importantly, it fits the frustration that so many people feel when they aren't sure which direction to go, what to do, or how to accomplish those hidden dreams that they had once abandoned. Please enjoy, share with your friends, and have a safe, "wonder-filled" Holiday Season! Here's to learning to fly...



Monday, December 22, 2008

Making Things or Taking things...

I think I'll make things good happen.

I've decided on a lot of things lately. First and foremost, I know this is the only life I get, so better make the most of it while I can. Mostly I've decided on some things that I intend to do and do successfully. Here is a list of things I want to do:

1. Finish my Book entitled "Kipleyarren"- a fiction novel, the first of a set of 7 I have in mind. So far I've completed 16 chapters.

2. I'm going to sing again. My voice has a natural affinity for a country sound, but I love rock music- its passionate, emotional, and can make you cry or feel completely mellow. Hence, I'm going to form a band and learn to sing in front of people the songs that I put together in my head and have occasionally written down. I'm going to learn to bend my vocals to the sound of rock...

3. Habitat is going to benefit tremendously from all my efforts, every last one of them. If anything I do produces sums more than 100k, Habitat for Humanity of Whitley County will be one of the first to know.

4. I'm going to paint again and finish a couple that I've started and quit because of the emotional roller coaster ride that is my life.

5. I'm not settling for anything less than my best. From the TV production that I've started for Habitat to my visions of great art and music- everything will be done with the same passion I have bottled up inside of me and the same attention to detail.

6. I intend for my efforts to have a great and lasting impact on those around me. I want to be a catalyst for change- the kind that puts smiles back on broken faces, the kind that shows what the human spirit is truly capable of.

And for those Taking Things... Shame on you for making the world a worse place.

A little side note here that ought to make the public rightfully angry (considering the impact 3 million could have had on this community):

"Parkview Hospital's Top people can go stick it where the sun doesn't shine." after talking with more than 40 people in this area alone, I've discovered that I am not the only whose monthly payment is not good enough for them. Yep that's right people. You now have no rights, just because you may pay them $100 or more a month towards your bill, doesn't mean they won't send you to a collection agency. Oh... and in case you were wondering- the 3million they spent on a ballpark wasn't good enough to use to help pay down or write off some medical bills for the average joe. here's some advice to Parkview "Don't ask for a contribution (I got a donation appeal letter in the mail from them, 2 days after recieving the call from the collector of whom they turned my account over to) from the people whose money isn't good enough for you." Oh, and by the way, for those of you who didn't know, the collectors get half of the proceeds of each account they collect. Wouldn't it have made more sense to write off that same amount for the people who can't afford the bill in the first place, I mean if you're already willing to lose out on some profits (imagine that, a non-profit looking to make profit)- why not pass it the right way instead of the wrong way???? It looks to me like a legal issue is waiting to happen, people aren't going to sit around knowing your taking advantage of others. Ever hear of the saying "Don't bite the hand that feeds?" Maybe you guys should have taken that to heart.

Make the world better. Change lives. Yeah, too bad people higher up in the food chain don't view the world this way.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A buried thought that is usually never shared

I hesitate to post this, because it breaks the "too personal" rule I have about what I share with random people. But I'm struggling with a few things so here it is (I will most likely never post anything like this again...

Why, why must you always treat me so...
I never claimed perfection, yet its what you demand.
I never seem to be able to make you happy.
I've spent nearly a decade trying,
but I don't know the magic rule.
I've since decided not to let one tear
fall because of this, this life I must lead..
with you.
But even I, cannot hold back some days.
Even I do not know how, how to fix this.
What I want is the most selfish thing to ask of any person..
to be loved.
But isn't that what we promised to do,
isn't that how it was supposed to be,
I'm not pretty, or outstanding in any way,
yet I refuse to be average.
Is this why its never enough for you?
That i refuse to break my insides
just to be the perfect fit for you?
Perhaps we should have known long ago,
but still I try, because I promised.
I don't know how much longer I can
keep trying, keep losing what I'm not sure
I ever had from you in the first place
Why is there no faith in me?
Never have I strayed,
never have I not tried
to be what was needed.
I feel so empty, so selfish to ask,
but is it so unfair to say this?
Why must you hate me so...
and why do I feel so alone
when we promised.
you say to trust you,
but you won't give me yours.
I have already broken a promise
I made to myself years ago.
How do I keep myself now?
How do I....there are so many of these
How do I... but still I stay
How do I.. you'd think I'd know by now
How do I. but so should you.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Opportunites at Hand

You know, if there is one mistake I refuse to make again its, well ok there are a couple of them I've done that I refuse to do again- but today its about seizing the moment. Let me explain:



I went to the Shinedown concert at Piere's in Fort Wayne, this past tuesday with my best friend Triana (Try-Anna). I love music and Shinedown has some very damn good, thought provoking lyrics. I found myself thinking about how incredibly intelligent this band must be- the lead singer, Brent Smith, is not only a good muscian but an inspirational speaker as well. I was quite thrilled to hear someone else say aloud to a ton of people how important dreams really are. I couldn't have said it better myself (see my Crusade of Dreams blog for more info). My friend and I stuck around for a while after the show. She's more socially inclined than I am and wanted to mingle. She spotted one of their guitarists and made a beeline for his direction.
Now, I had two of my business cards for Habitat in my back pocket and I was totally prepared to give one to this guy except he looked so tired and weary. I felt bad for even stopping him. He was very kind about it though and polite- saying he just got done w a 5hr tat b4 the show. In my worries about letting the guy go and get some rest, I forgot about the cards in my pocket. I didn't even catch his name (he said it, but I don't hear well, which is why I don't socialize w/o someone else with me). A missed opportunity to network with a really cool band for Habitat... not a mistake I'm willing to make again. But then, if I understand correctly, they've been touring pretty hard since May. Hope you guys have an awesome Christmas and Brent-enjoy the son's birthday- they don't stay little for long.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Broken to be healed..

Sometimes you need to broken before you can be healed. Quote from a really good friend of mine who chooses to be anonoymous.

You know, I think she's right. Maybe that's why its so hard for people to find what they're looking for, they are always looking for that something/someone who can heal them. Problem is they were never broken to begin with...... well, it's a thought worth pondering anyway.

You know it does make some sense, I mean you don't appreciate happiness until you've experienced sadness, nor love until hate, so why not this??? What do you think?

Passing Stones...

..literally. So before I get too much further into this story, I promise, I am in the process of making more comics to post. Until then, well here's too hoping you might be amused:

I had to break down and go visit the doctor last week. They did the routine stuff, asked me questions, and determined I needed further testing- ultrasound on my gallbladder, etc. and lab work. It came down to this: I have kidney stones. Having the stones isn't so much a problem as passing them is. You see the nurse explained to me very matter of factly that I would need to STRAIN my pee. Yes, I said strain my pee. Whoever thought up this process, apparently wasn't familiar with the sqat and pee stance that women are forced to assume in order to try to catch the foul liquid.

Sooooo, my first attempt was a complete utter failure and resulted in a mess everywhere! Ugh!!! Now, imagine to my horror, the realization that dawns on my unsuspecting mind as I realize I have to do this for everytime I pee, everywhere I am. Oh no... my coworkers. This is definitely not funny at this point. To make matters worse on day 2 of this oh so wonderful journey, I forgot to bring the strainer with me to work. Time to call hubby dearest to bring it in. Now, mind you I'm at work trying to talk him into bringing my pee strainer in for me while my newest coworker listens to every word I say. My husband doesn't budge. He refuses me as I plead with him about how I can't go pee without it. I give in to the arguement not wanting to elaborate more details in the office where my co-worker is trying very hard not to laugh at me, who has by now, held the damn pee in all day long.

On top of all this, I get another phone call from the doctor's office. My lab work is fine. I answered back with the "whoever thought of this pee straining thing..." line. The nurse was clearly confused so I explained about how they called the day before to tell me about the kidney stones and how I had to strain my pee. Her response, "Why don't you just pee in a cup and then strain it?"

Oh, right. That would make sense- except I didn't think of it myself. My co worker, Michelle, has been laughing at my wonderful, not so nice predicament and said to me, "You have to blog that one, its even funnier than my car catching fire the other day."

The Red Tape blog from Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper is nothing compared to the embarrassment of coworkers knowing that you have to intentionally piss on yourself per the doctors orders. By the way, guys... passing a kidney stone in no way shape or form comes anywhere close to the pain of labor.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Absentminded (Just a little bit)

I live in Indiana, its finally started to snow. Not that I'm complaining, I don't exactly relish cold weather. So for the last twenty some years I know it gets cold outside (yes I promise I'm going somewhere with this). So what did I do yesterday??? Left my leather coat hanging on the back of a chair at the Habitat office of which had someAmeriCorps members that I needed to train. It takes me an hour to get to this office!!! So as I am arriving back at my own office, sit my laptop bag down and prepare to finish the overdue filing, I finally realize I don't have my coat....

When I called, the receptionist's only response to my apparent oblivion was "And how could you not realize you didn't have your coat on in this weather?" I of course, didn't have an answer to that one. **sigh** My husband will never let me forget that one.