Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sharing Ice Cream

I'm convinced that there is always something I can learn from each experience, each moment in my life. Recently I've been taking my mother back and forth from doctors appointments. This last one, well I was reminded of the inner child that we seldom let out once we're grown.

Let me explain, My mother is 45, she's just had spinal surgery, and her primary physician has confirmed that she definitely has early onset dementia. Some days, she's perfectly normal, other days she forgets things, and still others she like a child set free.

Fast forward back to the afore mentioned doctors appointment. We went to Applebee's for lunch. She pushed her food around her plate, ate a few bites, complained of how she just can't seem to eat that much anymore. She'd never been to Applebee's she said, ooh, look at those desserts she said- pointing to the new "shooter" desserts. The glee and delight on her face made it so hard not to crack a smile. Mom doesn't usually go for sweets, ever. Today though she says she loves them and has to try the strawberry shortcake one. I, of course, had eaten most of the soup and pasta I ordered. I didn't really have the room for more.... but who could resist a childlike smile that invites you to remember what childhood was suppose to be all about. The pure and simple pleasure of indulgence. The moments that will be gone before we know it.

I wonder sometimes what it will feel like on the day she forgets who I am, who my children are- but for now I'll enjoy the shared ice cream.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

A Child's View In Life

So, I've calmed down a little, thought things through a little and came across some homework that my daughter brought home from school. It was entitled "It's cooking" and the children were asked to make a recipe of friendship. I'll leave things spelled her way, but you'll get the idea:

Recipe for Friendship by Hope

1 1/2 cups of frendsip (friendship).

1 universe full of trust.

3 cups of troth (truth).

4 cups of NO putdowns.

8 gallons of love. (She had changed the teachers number of 2 gals to 8, I'm thinking she has the right idea.)

1 pinch hugs.

1 teaspoonful of hulp (help).

My daughter never ceases to amaze me and humble me back down to earth. If more adults took on a child's view in life, wouldn't things be so much better and simpler.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Legal frustrations and ponderings

I feel so much like screaming out loud and then crying a lot. Peace, inner peace, is very difficult to find. Some of my anger is towards people who should have been responsible adults and weren't, some of its towards a legal system that is reactive rather than proactive. There aren't any protective roadblocks in place to keep children from being hurt in the first place, there are only forensic and investigative measures that come after the hurting takes place and is discovered, if it is discovered. Then there are familial "rules" that most people acknowledge as neccessary to foster, these rules end up being the loop hole in the system that can allow further harm to come to a child while an investigation is underway. So I'm frustrated, angry, and I want to know why it is that unless the perpetrator put a child in the hospital or killed them, their aren't any real consequences for child abuse and there isn't more proactive approaches to family help before the violent behaviors start? Maybe we ought to have people who randomly check any household with children in the home regardless of whether or not a complaint has been filed. That might actually prevent so much damage both physically and psychologically that a child ends up having to bear. I figure as a parent, if you have nothing to hide, then you won't mind giving up a piece of your privacy if it means saving the life of a child right?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Food: The Stuff Life is Made Of

I'm sitting here with my stomach growling at me and I keep thinking I don't know what I want to eat so I'll bear the hunger until I decide on something that I don't mind putting in my mouth. Oddly enough, this has led me to ponder. What do I feed myself?

I'm talking soufully, characteristically, and morally. What do I feed myself? I've realized that I can't go on forever bottling everything up and hoping that one day someone will randomly come by and crack a few open and actually be o.k. with what they might find. I need substance, the kind that sets me free and helps me to grow a few feathers more. I tend to work more than a person my age should, so no real social life here and if I look carefully enough, I realize I'm avoiding the things that bother me. I'm scared to change things in fear of hurting some of the most precious people in my life, so I avoid the conflicts that would ensue and lose out on the little things in life that mean the most.

So I wonder, how do you feed yourself the food that matters most when you've stuffed yourself away?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Choices

We all have choices don't we? Sometimes I wish that I could take a few back or make some differences. But, as we all have discovered, time is something we don't get back. Besides changing a few things then, could mean giving up your most precious moments that you have now. Ah, well, such is life.

I'm currently embarking on some pretty deep thoughts, at least for me anyway. Things like where is my career going to take me and what are my life goals? I've recently discovered that my career, of which I love ( I work for Habitat for Humanity) may be leading me in a different direction than the one that I previously planned and had laid out before me so many years ago. This is probably a good change for me, because it allows me to utilize my talents much better.

My life? I went from the child who was set on being in the music industry ( I wanted to own my own record company) to the adult whose trying to patch and repair dreams gone astray. In the midst of living and learning, I've had kids, gotten married (because of course all fairytales require you to get married), and slowly, almost at a snails pace, earned my business degree. I like being busy, having lots to do, and I like doing challenging things. Among my self proclaimed challenges: I'm trying to write a book, a fiction novel. Why? because a few years ago I felt I was losing touch with my creative side ( I like to paint, write, sing, etc.) which was affecting all parts of my life. So I've set aside 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there to work on this project. The result? Well, so far so good. I'm far from done and I'm really slow at putting it together (two years into it and only about 9 chapters), but I've managed to convince a lot of people to take a look and see what they think. Most are disappointed that I'm not done yet, they want to know the rest of the story. And suprisingly to me, most of my readers are not traditional book readers. Lets hope this is a good sign, because I'd really like to see what happens with it.

I've discovered some things about myself in this quest to find creative thinking again. I know that I want more than what I've allowed myself through the purposeful and not so purposeful choices I've made. I know that I want to be me, but just who that is, well I guess I'll have to start choosing to actively look for those wings I say we all get to earn in life. Maybe mine will let me see things in a different perspective and with a better appreciation for life and those walking in different shoes than myself.

Wings

I always thought of having wings as the metaphor to finding yourself. Here lately I've decided to explore new ways to express my concerns, voice my opinions, etc. Hence this new blog space that a friend of mine so kindly introduced me too. Well, we'll see where this goes and what I end up writing about..