Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My List

In recent conversations with a friend of mine, we have been discussing the New Year's thing. She likes the idea of a New Years resolution, whereas I, have never bothered- not even tried to come up with one. I just never really cared for the idea because it implies (to me anyway) that no one will really keep it anyway- so why not lie to each other and pretend its ok. In case you couldn't tell, I prefer the truth of things- no matter how ugly it might be.
During our conversation I did share with her something else that I intend to do, but its more long term. I have a list of people in my head that I'd like to get to the opportunity to meet someday, preferably, while I'm still of sound mind. I dont want to just meet and say "Hey. How's it going." I want to be able to pick their brains and have normal everyday conversations with them. I've been thinking this list over for a while now, some are very recent additions and some have inspired me for a long time. Each has my personal reason as to why I'd like to meet them. And as I promised to my fellow friends below is some of the people on my list and the reasons why:

1. Stephanie Meyer, Author of the Twilight series. I know, I know. Its supposed to be a teenage series, but my sitter told me that they were so good she couldn't put them down. I did it all backwards however and went to see the movie first, to see if it interested me. First off- I'm not the chick flick, romance gushy, touchy feelly type. But, having said that, I did understand the core of the story's appeal. Wouldn't we all like to have that impossible fairy tale?
What made me want to meet her was at the back of the one the books ( she is also a fan of Blue October) and the fact that "Breaking Dawn" took me by suprise. My own creativity was rekindled further along by her inventive writing. If anything, I'd like to tell her in person Thank you for sharing your imagination with us.

2. Katie Couric, News Anchor. No, its not about the news. Its more to do with an interview I read about her. Someone had asked her about her late husband's passing and how he must've led a good long life. Her response had been something along the line of, "I get angry when people say that. He was 40 some years old and died of colon cancer- he got the short end of the stick." I guess you could say that it reminded me of how human she really was.

3. Shinedown, the band. Of the recent rock bands to emerge, they top my list as one of the best for more than just because they look good or their because their music is great. Brent the lead singer, not only sings from the soul- but is extremely motivational and inspirational. Go to a concert and listen to what he says in between each song- you'll get what I'm talking about. And from the two minute or less encounter with Zach, it seems the rest of the band is truly down to earth. I would love to sit a just talk with these guys.

4. The Hoyt Team. Probably not as well known to people, but do a search on them and you'll find one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching stories of a father and son team. I've never known such love or respect could be given to a dad and so I felt strongly that this guy should be commended for setting such a beautiful example of what it means to be a not just a parent, but a dad who had faith in his child and loved him no mattered what.

5. Bon Jovi. I don't have to tell you who he is, but did you know he is an ambassador for Habitat for Humanity? I find that to be one of the most interesting things ever.

6. Hannah Jones. I doubt you know her either, unless you've read the news lately. She's the 13 year old who has refused a heart transplant and won the right to die respectfully at home. Having personally watched my childhood friend, Melissa Pletcher, die several months ago after two heart transplants and several attempts at an artificial heart (the first transplant was age 22 and she died at age 27)- I understand how this little girl could come to the conclusion she has.

7. Tony Dungy. Let me clarify one thing, I am not in any way, shape, or form interested in sports. I never have been. But I do like to read and what I've read about him has made me take a double take. He's taken his life's adversity and struggles and met them head on. To me that takes a inner strength that most don't have and I find that worthy of admiration.

8. M. Night Shyalaman. I don't like all of his films, but I do like the ideas he's trying for. I think for me, I just want to meet him to get a better understanding of what he's thinking when he does things with his films that don't make any sense to me. I admire the fact the he keeps on trying despite a large amount of criticism being thrown his way.

9. Owen Wilson. This one is simply because my best friend says I'm like him on the rare moment I choose to let out my emotions when I get excited. I think I just want to see if I'm really anything like him or he's anything at all like me. Its simply curiosity that's got me on this one.

10. Michelangelo. But since he's been dead for centuries, I'll settle for seeing the Sistine Chapel. I own a biographical on him and found it fascinating. I also read a recent study someone did of his work at the Sistine Chapel and smiled. He apparently had some not so nice things to say to those in rule and chose to voice opinion (the only way he could have without being killed) via certain things he depicted in his painting.

There are more, but this blog is getting long and I think you get the idea. And in case anyone was wondering, yes, I have met one person on my list and that was the CEO of Habitat International, Johnathon Reckford.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I'm amazed...

I now have 20 chapters done or mostly done for my fiction novel entitled "Kipleyarren". What started out as a way to keep me creative and imaginative, has become something more. I feel slightly accomplished- though there is still a long way to go. I have no idea how to get published or for that matter whether or not it will be well recieved by others. But some of my closest friends and not so close friends are all in agreement- they think its good. And some were mad at me for making them read it when I'm clearly not finished, because they wanted to know what happens.

Its taken me two and half years to get it this far with as crazy as my work schedule is. I've also discovered how truly difficult it is to express in words what you see so clearly in your mind. I admit its easier to lose yourself in your mind than it is to show others whats inside. I'm determined to see the end result of my writing adventure. I'll keep you all posted as I continue.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

No answers

I didn't get into the christmas spirit so much this year.



In fact I just didn't have the heart for it. But I survived, I guess. One thing I could not bring myself to do-no matter how many times I tried to tell myself I should- I could not make that phone call.



The phone call that should have been "Hey Dad. How are things your way? The kids are growing like weeds. Working all the time still....etc, etc,etc." Instead it would have been,"When are you going to grow up? What did you do this time and how many years are we looking at? Did you think about your grandkids before you went on your pity me soap box and drank so much you lost your mind again. Since when is your selfish needs more important than that of the rest of the worlds? ......? And I would have ended up having the same conversation I've been having with him since I was 5. I just didn't have the heart anymore. I knew long ago that nothing I ever said would change his messed up view of how the world should be to him. He needs help and lots of it. I just couldn't give him that one phone call, because I was tired of giving. period.



Maybe I'll regret this, but I just didn't have it anymore. I'm 29, he's 47 and supposed to be grown up already. I think he's just afraid of living without his oblivion. I think he doesn't want to know the world for what it would be without drunk eyes. He's afraid of what he might see.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Me, its just me.

I was truly surprised and a bit taken aback by my new co workers assessment of me. No one that has ever gotten to know me has ever said that I wasn't optimistic.... until now.



Apparently, I'm a realist-neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a person who sees all sides of the coins for what it is and what it isn't.



After thinking some on it, I have to admit when taking a look at myself "from the outside looking in" perspective, it makes a lot of sense. I just never really noticed it before or maybe I never really defined that part of myself in the forefront of my mind. Interesting though isn't it? The things people assess about another person based on their experiences and conversations.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Revisiting my issues with Parkview

I found this shortly around the same time I posted my blog about Making Things or Taking Things. Below is a review of some of the things that another person had to say about parkview and what could have been done with the 3mil that Parkview spent on the ballpark and a link to the full article is included:


1-Parkview is a not for profit. They pay no property taxes on millions of dollars in buildings. Luthern does.
2-Parkview gets additional tax abatements as partners in a number of doctor office buildings here in Fort Wayne. Luthern does not.
3- $300,000 would provide thousands of seniors with yearly supplies of drugs that they can not afford on SS and small retirement incomes, even with Medicare.
4- $300,000 would supply tens of thousands of home bound meals and the ways of delivering them.
5- A fraction of that would allow PTC to continue some bus service to those who have it as their only mode of transporation.
6- Provide some help to the thousands of patients who have insurance but the coverage does not cover everything. What is left Parkview has no problem of sending the remaining balance to collection agency. Which hurts the person’s credit rating. We won’t talk about how quick these collection companies will sue someone and attach their wages. BTW, Parkview splits what the agency recovers.
7- This would cover 5,000 of those who don’t have as much or are laid off, with utility bills.
8- Try sending 70 kids to Ivy Tech for a year.
9- Provide Indiana/Purdue with grant money for additional research.
10- You would think their cost of services would be a fair amount less then for profit Luthern. It is not. Why? Because they are top heavy in management. If they where for profit they would get purchased in a heartbeat, gutted of the over loaded top management, and resold at a huge profit.
11- Buy unknown number of portable heart defibs to stock public buildings.
12- Help buy fire gear for all the volunteer fire departments that are in their market area.

This is a portion of what J.Q. Taxpayer wrote on:

http://fortwaynepolitics.com/2008/09/parkview-park/

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Learning to Fly

I promised to you all that I would post more comics and now here is the latest one. It really fits my depressive spirit as of late. But I think, more importantly, it fits the frustration that so many people feel when they aren't sure which direction to go, what to do, or how to accomplish those hidden dreams that they had once abandoned. Please enjoy, share with your friends, and have a safe, "wonder-filled" Holiday Season! Here's to learning to fly...



Monday, December 22, 2008

Making Things or Taking things...

I think I'll make things good happen.

I've decided on a lot of things lately. First and foremost, I know this is the only life I get, so better make the most of it while I can. Mostly I've decided on some things that I intend to do and do successfully. Here is a list of things I want to do:

1. Finish my Book entitled "Kipleyarren"- a fiction novel, the first of a set of 7 I have in mind. So far I've completed 16 chapters.

2. I'm going to sing again. My voice has a natural affinity for a country sound, but I love rock music- its passionate, emotional, and can make you cry or feel completely mellow. Hence, I'm going to form a band and learn to sing in front of people the songs that I put together in my head and have occasionally written down. I'm going to learn to bend my vocals to the sound of rock...

3. Habitat is going to benefit tremendously from all my efforts, every last one of them. If anything I do produces sums more than 100k, Habitat for Humanity of Whitley County will be one of the first to know.

4. I'm going to paint again and finish a couple that I've started and quit because of the emotional roller coaster ride that is my life.

5. I'm not settling for anything less than my best. From the TV production that I've started for Habitat to my visions of great art and music- everything will be done with the same passion I have bottled up inside of me and the same attention to detail.

6. I intend for my efforts to have a great and lasting impact on those around me. I want to be a catalyst for change- the kind that puts smiles back on broken faces, the kind that shows what the human spirit is truly capable of.

And for those Taking Things... Shame on you for making the world a worse place.

A little side note here that ought to make the public rightfully angry (considering the impact 3 million could have had on this community):

"Parkview Hospital's Top people can go stick it where the sun doesn't shine." after talking with more than 40 people in this area alone, I've discovered that I am not the only whose monthly payment is not good enough for them. Yep that's right people. You now have no rights, just because you may pay them $100 or more a month towards your bill, doesn't mean they won't send you to a collection agency. Oh... and in case you were wondering- the 3million they spent on a ballpark wasn't good enough to use to help pay down or write off some medical bills for the average joe. here's some advice to Parkview "Don't ask for a contribution (I got a donation appeal letter in the mail from them, 2 days after recieving the call from the collector of whom they turned my account over to) from the people whose money isn't good enough for you." Oh, and by the way, for those of you who didn't know, the collectors get half of the proceeds of each account they collect. Wouldn't it have made more sense to write off that same amount for the people who can't afford the bill in the first place, I mean if you're already willing to lose out on some profits (imagine that, a non-profit looking to make profit)- why not pass it the right way instead of the wrong way???? It looks to me like a legal issue is waiting to happen, people aren't going to sit around knowing your taking advantage of others. Ever hear of the saying "Don't bite the hand that feeds?" Maybe you guys should have taken that to heart.

Make the world better. Change lives. Yeah, too bad people higher up in the food chain don't view the world this way.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A buried thought that is usually never shared

I hesitate to post this, because it breaks the "too personal" rule I have about what I share with random people. But I'm struggling with a few things so here it is (I will most likely never post anything like this again...

Why, why must you always treat me so...
I never claimed perfection, yet its what you demand.
I never seem to be able to make you happy.
I've spent nearly a decade trying,
but I don't know the magic rule.
I've since decided not to let one tear
fall because of this, this life I must lead..
with you.
But even I, cannot hold back some days.
Even I do not know how, how to fix this.
What I want is the most selfish thing to ask of any person..
to be loved.
But isn't that what we promised to do,
isn't that how it was supposed to be,
I'm not pretty, or outstanding in any way,
yet I refuse to be average.
Is this why its never enough for you?
That i refuse to break my insides
just to be the perfect fit for you?
Perhaps we should have known long ago,
but still I try, because I promised.
I don't know how much longer I can
keep trying, keep losing what I'm not sure
I ever had from you in the first place
Why is there no faith in me?
Never have I strayed,
never have I not tried
to be what was needed.
I feel so empty, so selfish to ask,
but is it so unfair to say this?
Why must you hate me so...
and why do I feel so alone
when we promised.
you say to trust you,
but you won't give me yours.
I have already broken a promise
I made to myself years ago.
How do I keep myself now?
How do I....there are so many of these
How do I... but still I stay
How do I.. you'd think I'd know by now
How do I. but so should you.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Opportunites at Hand

You know, if there is one mistake I refuse to make again its, well ok there are a couple of them I've done that I refuse to do again- but today its about seizing the moment. Let me explain:



I went to the Shinedown concert at Piere's in Fort Wayne, this past tuesday with my best friend Triana (Try-Anna). I love music and Shinedown has some very damn good, thought provoking lyrics. I found myself thinking about how incredibly intelligent this band must be- the lead singer, Brent Smith, is not only a good muscian but an inspirational speaker as well. I was quite thrilled to hear someone else say aloud to a ton of people how important dreams really are. I couldn't have said it better myself (see my Crusade of Dreams blog for more info). My friend and I stuck around for a while after the show. She's more socially inclined than I am and wanted to mingle. She spotted one of their guitarists and made a beeline for his direction.
Now, I had two of my business cards for Habitat in my back pocket and I was totally prepared to give one to this guy except he looked so tired and weary. I felt bad for even stopping him. He was very kind about it though and polite- saying he just got done w a 5hr tat b4 the show. In my worries about letting the guy go and get some rest, I forgot about the cards in my pocket. I didn't even catch his name (he said it, but I don't hear well, which is why I don't socialize w/o someone else with me). A missed opportunity to network with a really cool band for Habitat... not a mistake I'm willing to make again. But then, if I understand correctly, they've been touring pretty hard since May. Hope you guys have an awesome Christmas and Brent-enjoy the son's birthday- they don't stay little for long.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Broken to be healed..

Sometimes you need to broken before you can be healed. Quote from a really good friend of mine who chooses to be anonoymous.

You know, I think she's right. Maybe that's why its so hard for people to find what they're looking for, they are always looking for that something/someone who can heal them. Problem is they were never broken to begin with...... well, it's a thought worth pondering anyway.

You know it does make some sense, I mean you don't appreciate happiness until you've experienced sadness, nor love until hate, so why not this??? What do you think?

Passing Stones...

..literally. So before I get too much further into this story, I promise, I am in the process of making more comics to post. Until then, well here's too hoping you might be amused:

I had to break down and go visit the doctor last week. They did the routine stuff, asked me questions, and determined I needed further testing- ultrasound on my gallbladder, etc. and lab work. It came down to this: I have kidney stones. Having the stones isn't so much a problem as passing them is. You see the nurse explained to me very matter of factly that I would need to STRAIN my pee. Yes, I said strain my pee. Whoever thought up this process, apparently wasn't familiar with the sqat and pee stance that women are forced to assume in order to try to catch the foul liquid.

Sooooo, my first attempt was a complete utter failure and resulted in a mess everywhere! Ugh!!! Now, imagine to my horror, the realization that dawns on my unsuspecting mind as I realize I have to do this for everytime I pee, everywhere I am. Oh no... my coworkers. This is definitely not funny at this point. To make matters worse on day 2 of this oh so wonderful journey, I forgot to bring the strainer with me to work. Time to call hubby dearest to bring it in. Now, mind you I'm at work trying to talk him into bringing my pee strainer in for me while my newest coworker listens to every word I say. My husband doesn't budge. He refuses me as I plead with him about how I can't go pee without it. I give in to the arguement not wanting to elaborate more details in the office where my co-worker is trying very hard not to laugh at me, who has by now, held the damn pee in all day long.

On top of all this, I get another phone call from the doctor's office. My lab work is fine. I answered back with the "whoever thought of this pee straining thing..." line. The nurse was clearly confused so I explained about how they called the day before to tell me about the kidney stones and how I had to strain my pee. Her response, "Why don't you just pee in a cup and then strain it?"

Oh, right. That would make sense- except I didn't think of it myself. My co worker, Michelle, has been laughing at my wonderful, not so nice predicament and said to me, "You have to blog that one, its even funnier than my car catching fire the other day."

The Red Tape blog from Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper is nothing compared to the embarrassment of coworkers knowing that you have to intentionally piss on yourself per the doctors orders. By the way, guys... passing a kidney stone in no way shape or form comes anywhere close to the pain of labor.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Absentminded (Just a little bit)

I live in Indiana, its finally started to snow. Not that I'm complaining, I don't exactly relish cold weather. So for the last twenty some years I know it gets cold outside (yes I promise I'm going somewhere with this). So what did I do yesterday??? Left my leather coat hanging on the back of a chair at the Habitat office of which had someAmeriCorps members that I needed to train. It takes me an hour to get to this office!!! So as I am arriving back at my own office, sit my laptop bag down and prepare to finish the overdue filing, I finally realize I don't have my coat....

When I called, the receptionist's only response to my apparent oblivion was "And how could you not realize you didn't have your coat on in this weather?" I of course, didn't have an answer to that one. **sigh** My husband will never let me forget that one.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Remember to smile a little... or Laugh alot!

My 3 year old son is quite the character some days. But he loves to love people. This morning as all of us were getting around, he pipes up, "I'm your only son right Mom?" and of course I said, "Yes, your my only son."
"Soooo.. I don't have any brothers?" His look was one of disappointment.
"No honey, you don't have any brothers, only two sisters." Where is he going with this, I wonder. His next answer, combined with his look of "I've solved it all Mom" had me rolling (only a child would think it could be so easy)
" That's alright mom,"he says cheerily,"You can just buy me one!" as if babies were somewhere in a store waiting to be bought and loved..... I didn't have the heart to tell him that Daddy's surgery today was to prevent any possibility of more kids popping up. I simply smiled and chuckled at him, shook my head, and said, "Sweetie, it doesn't quite work that way."

Monday, November 17, 2008

I haven't got it all figured out...

At least not yet!

But dang it all, I do try. In case you haven't figured out, I'm referring to this thing we call life.

Recently,My friend's mother just had a large tumor (roughly larger than a plum) removed from her brain. We are currently waiting to find out whether or not its cancerous, or just a benign lump of doesn't belong in someone's brain. I seem to be encountering a lot of people with different health or mental issues these days. And quite frankly, its depressing. When it rains, it pours, or so they say. But they never bothered to mention the flood that rises up and tries its hardest to sweep you away lest you be caught unawares.

And so goes life, with all its unexpectedness and bumps and trials. Some things bring tears, some things bring smiles, and other things shape who you are, define the person, and the choices you choose to make. I think that's why so many people have a hard time with things. They still envision a life of meaning tied to a life of happiness. Honestly, I'm almost convinced that you can't have both. But then like I said before, I haven't got it all figured out yet.

Friday, November 7, 2008

What Moms are or aren't....

Moms are
supposed to be a friend,
a confidant of whom you can trust,
a person of more wisdom, and
someone who can point in the right
direction, the path that should be chosen.
Moms are not
supposed to ask for advice on sex
from their children, or
forget they have grandchildren, or
become biligerent and incoherent
around those who try to please them.
Moms should
love their children, be independant, and
hold together their family
as though we really are
family.
Moms should not
be irrational, unpleasant, or
never satisfied because woe is
the life they chose.

Try telling the world of farie tales and social cultures, that mothers are,
every bit as human as we try so adamently to forget.

Just as Prince Charming never exists, neither does the picture perfect
Mom.......

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Upside down, wrong side out, but maybe the right Direction???

My friend is a mess (who isn't these days) but she truly struggles with her place in life. We've been swapping stories of the newest developments in our lives.. and it got me to thinking on the philisophical side of life. Her sense of direction undoubtedly has never seen a compass (if your judging by outward appearances of what her choices may look like to someone else)but it seems to me as I look back that maybe her wayward choices were neccessary. A catalyst of simply being the very road she really needs to travel to straighten herself out. Is she finally grabbing onto something to shape a future of meaning or are we gearing up for another perceived failure that will confront her already fragile mindset??? I vote she's finally moving in a good direction and finding herself somewhere in the process.




So, as I sit here an ponder my thoughts for the day, here is a comic that depicts a lot of the frustrations that both my friend and the rest of the world have with attempted relationships...


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My life as it is

The crazy roller coaster ride of mine failed to mention that I might not be able to turn back, pause, or rewind and fix the cart. Damn! and I thought maybe I could just skip the freak weeks!

So, I've been extremely busy with momentous emotional highs and seriously fall off a cliff lows. I had a good friend of mine manage to make me gush with tears in private over a hateful email she sent me because I couldn't do what she was asking out of me and another who consoled me over the phone that very night because I was miles away from any friends of family. She reminded me how much someone could give back in the way of friendship.

I proceeded cautiously through the week and traveled the state of Indiana to visit and train various Habitat for Humanity affiliate staff members. By the time I managed to come back to the home town, a friend of mine had passed away. She was 27, had had two heart transplants, an artificial heart pump, and 3 boys 7,6,&5 who were left behind with only memories. I went to her funeral that Wedsnesday, recieved a call at the funeral home that my 93 year old grandpa (papaw to me) was in the hospital with some sort of heart failure. And so I leave to visit him. In the midst of the hospital visit, I recieved an invitation to attend the Obama rally in Indianapolis. Soooo, the good mother somewhere in me ,made the trek down there with my 8 year old daughter in tow, along with my friend Triana and her son, all because our children are early political activists and were infatuated with the now president elect Barack Obama. The look on my daughter's face as she watched him speak was priceless, but marred with the knowledge that my friend who had passed away would never get to do such a thing for her boys.

Life throws a lot of wrenches into the game, the question is how do you manage to keep them from hitting you at top speed, bruising you like a freight train, or catch them as they pass to use as tools to teach, fix, or repair an already fragile lifeline???

Apparently I must love roller coasters these days....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

As Promised

As promised, a comic for my previous blog...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Needle in my Eye

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine & I were hanging out at J.K. O Donnell's in Fort Wayne,grabbing a bite to eat, talking about a lot of things. The conversation turned to the events of my week and I kid you not, she laughed so hard I thought her beer was gonna squirt out her nose or something! So for purely entertainment purposes, the following is a recant of the conversation I had with her... I promise it is funny, even I have to laugh, guess it makes you realize that you don't have to watch a comedy to get a good laugh, because laughter is part of what makes the world go 'round.



So a few weeks ago, I had a sty in my eye. I've had a few before, but they were on the outside tip of my eyelids. Not this one, no this one has to take up residence on the inside of my bottom eye lid! Talk about irritating as hell! After about four days of this thing not giving up, making my eye swollen, and refusing to go away (despite everything I can think of like eye drops, compresses, etc) I get the bright idea of popping the damn thing myself. I go boldly into the bathroom with my sewing needle kit in hand. Yes, I said sewing needle.Even my husband said I was crazy(like he hasn't said that before). I proceeded to poke the sty with the needle in order to drain it. Now, for most people this would scare the hell out of them. I, however, have no qualms about such things (as long as I'm the one doing it). It was painful, but nothing I couldn't handle. What was something I couldn't handle, was the fact that after all my painful poking and prodding- it still didn't go away! Which leads into my next story.... The doctors office.



I walk into the doctors office the next day to have them take a look and see if they could do something for this pesky thing. After a couple of seconds into the conversation, the nurse (you should have seen the look on her face) said,"YOU DID WHAT????" as if to say how stupid can you get. "Did you sterilize the needle?" "Nope" I said, "That was the furthest thing from my mind, I was more concerned about getting rid of it. As in make it go away now get rid of it."

The look I got. By now she's trying really hard not to laugh at how insane I must be, but she manages to keep herself in check and says the doctor will be in shortly.



Keep in mind the doctor I have to see is the same doctor who is my mother's family doctor. The same one who diagnosed her with early onset dementia. Great, not only does he think my mother is nuts... I've just given him the opportunity to consider if I'm not nuts as well. In walks the doctor. His words??? "I can't believe you stuck a needle in your eye! I have a hard time doing that myself to other patients when needed."



I'm of course thinking," does anyone besides me see the distinction here? I didn't stick a needle in my eye, just my eyelid. There is a difference there you know, I'm not completely off my rocker." He then goes on to say how I was actually right. He would have had to do the same thing for me and of course I get admonished for not sterilizing it, he prescribes me some drops, and sends me on my way. As I walk out the door to check out, I pass the nurse who tries quickly to cover up her perplexed mirth. "its ok" I said," i'd laugh too, it is pretty crazy".



So back to my dinner at O'Donnells. My friend is dying with laughter at this point of the story. The conversation then turns to my mother's dementia and how I suspect that she's not taking her meds all the time. Why not?? Well the logical answer would be because she's not remembering them and unfortunately that's not neccessarily the case. What is the case is that I think she's become somewhat childlike and thinks she can do a lot of things without consequences. That and the fact that my brother who lives with her drinks alot.... I suspect she won't take her meds if she gets the impulse to have a drink.



Now mind you, my friend does not always have common sense, and in a blonde moment of not putting two & two together, she says" Oh my God. Your mother? Drinking? I have to go out to her house and have a drink with her!" The glee from her face was quickly replaced with an innocent, confused look and she said," What? Why are you looking at me like I'm insane?"

My comment??? "Did you stop to think that maybe alcohol and Dementia shouldn't be mixed together? I mean come on! She's crazy enough now, Imagine her not only leaving her meds behind but also downing a couple of beers only to ask, "What's this again? Oh, let me try one. Whoaaaa. What is this stuff? Who are you again?"


Yep... I know. Its crazy.But, apparently so is everything else. Ahhh. Such is life....I should work on a comic for that one.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Crusade of Dreams

I know.... its been a long time since I've blogged. But thats the way it goes sometimes.





I have a few strong convictions, of them is the determination to hold steadfast and make things happen. Why is this so important to me?? it all goes back to my disgust at the world for encouraging children to hold on to a dream(s) and then as they get older we privately take them aside and explain the responsibilities of life... as if dreams and responsibilities can't go hand in hand. As if they were mere child's play, meant to be forgotten. Well, says I, that's not true and I'm intent on proving it.



When people chose to discard that most precious to them, that which they define & measure their own self worth and accomplishments with, they lose the passion and zest for life that should never be lost. They lose perspective on whats of value and whats not.



I really think life should not be wasted, and as Etienne de Grallet said, "I shall pass through this life but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall never pass this way again."



In my opinion, Dreams are meant to be achieved with the responsibility of helping others succeed. Only then can we define possibilities, only then can we call ourselves the role models that we wish the young to take heart and follow after, chasing until they grasp that idea, that dream and give it roots to grow.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Wondering

So, I haven't posted in a while.

I've been so busy here lately it seems. In all this busyness though, I find myself wondering about alot of things. What does it really take to dream, to keep old friendships alive while still making new, or to feel as though you've achieved everything your capable of? What are we willing to give to do the things that are on our minds the most?

I think my mother's health has a lot to do with my current train of thoughts of late. She's been diagnosed with 7 different health problems and yesterday we found that most of these problems may just be a symptom of something much bigger: they think she has thyroid cancer. We'll know more when we see the specialist in a few weeks. I'm told if you're going to get cancer, this is the type you want. Usually all they do is remove it and you take meds for the rest of your life. But she's been sick so long and every doctor until now has done very little to determine the cause. Because she's been so sick for nearly two years we don't know if it has spread anywhere else and that worries me.

So, back to my original thoughts, I guess I'm really wondering what am I willing to do to make the most of my life?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Whispers



Well, last week I spent the majority of my time in the hospital. the upside of the situation? I was able to think. I thought about my mom and the stress involved with her care, I thought about my daughter and what my current decisions will mean for our future relationship with each other, and I thought about my own ambitions, desires really. I've had a few tell me that all these things are probably why I got so sick in the first place. I have to admit, the stress probably had some to do with it, but I don't feel they were the cause of it- just a catalyst of it.
So there I was laying in a hospital bed, an IV hooked up to me, and Jello as my only source of food ( they would not let me eat real food the entire week). I remembered what was said at the last leadership class that I had, or rather what the speaker said- we should find a way to do what has always "whispered" to us. Now, you should know, I did share my personal goals and life mission with everyone that day. I really truly felt I was already on the path of doing what Whispered to me. And I still intend to make those goals happen, in fact I think they will be the catalyst to help me obtain my ultimate goal. Its an important goal that I left out, the one I carried with me as a child and still ponder ways to make it happen even now. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to publish (and make money doing it) both books and records. I want to be the liason that helps others showcase their artistic talents. It will take baby steps today to find that big dream tomorrow but I'm willing to do it. I will not let my whispers fade away.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

A puzzle you never can find the last piece for..

Life is undoubtedly a hard puzzle to crack. I'm wondering why we insist that we must be little busy bees achievin 'nought but regrets of never taking it slowly. We start out as kids wanting so much to be grown ups- we watch them, we imitate them, and we learn to be them. As we get older we start to get an inkling that maybe life is a puzzle that needs to be solved. And this in turn leads to frustration as we realize there must be a missing piece, because we still don't have any more answers to anything than we did before we started... or did we start out with them and just lose them as a result of cracking open the box of pieces called Life?

Monday, March 3, 2008

Jumping

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (yes, I know the 'fore warnings, I promise smoke is not rolling out of my ears) Anyway, I got to thinking of one of my best friends, you see my friend is the most unprententious, unassuming, and impulsive person I have quite possibly ever met. I can't fathom doing some of the things she's done and yet I admire her couragousness at giving it her all in every relationship she launches. I suppose I'm a bit too rational in a lot of ways, (although you'd never get my husband to agree with that statement). More to the point, I'm wondering if I felt free enough to do so, would I? What makes me so much less inclined to make a jump and hope I land without breaking anything?

I have a sneaking suspicion that a life lived well requires these unfathomable jumps to be made and it concerns me that I might care to much for the emotional health of others and thus, it prevents me from spreading out and experiencing life for what it is and should be. Then again, somehow I don't think that gravity pulling you down as you jump off a "cliff" sounds too inviting. Maybe I need a new perspective on these things???

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sharing Ice Cream

I'm convinced that there is always something I can learn from each experience, each moment in my life. Recently I've been taking my mother back and forth from doctors appointments. This last one, well I was reminded of the inner child that we seldom let out once we're grown.

Let me explain, My mother is 45, she's just had spinal surgery, and her primary physician has confirmed that she definitely has early onset dementia. Some days, she's perfectly normal, other days she forgets things, and still others she like a child set free.

Fast forward back to the afore mentioned doctors appointment. We went to Applebee's for lunch. She pushed her food around her plate, ate a few bites, complained of how she just can't seem to eat that much anymore. She'd never been to Applebee's she said, ooh, look at those desserts she said- pointing to the new "shooter" desserts. The glee and delight on her face made it so hard not to crack a smile. Mom doesn't usually go for sweets, ever. Today though she says she loves them and has to try the strawberry shortcake one. I, of course, had eaten most of the soup and pasta I ordered. I didn't really have the room for more.... but who could resist a childlike smile that invites you to remember what childhood was suppose to be all about. The pure and simple pleasure of indulgence. The moments that will be gone before we know it.

I wonder sometimes what it will feel like on the day she forgets who I am, who my children are- but for now I'll enjoy the shared ice cream.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

A Child's View In Life

So, I've calmed down a little, thought things through a little and came across some homework that my daughter brought home from school. It was entitled "It's cooking" and the children were asked to make a recipe of friendship. I'll leave things spelled her way, but you'll get the idea:

Recipe for Friendship by Hope

1 1/2 cups of frendsip (friendship).

1 universe full of trust.

3 cups of troth (truth).

4 cups of NO putdowns.

8 gallons of love. (She had changed the teachers number of 2 gals to 8, I'm thinking she has the right idea.)

1 pinch hugs.

1 teaspoonful of hulp (help).

My daughter never ceases to amaze me and humble me back down to earth. If more adults took on a child's view in life, wouldn't things be so much better and simpler.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Legal frustrations and ponderings

I feel so much like screaming out loud and then crying a lot. Peace, inner peace, is very difficult to find. Some of my anger is towards people who should have been responsible adults and weren't, some of its towards a legal system that is reactive rather than proactive. There aren't any protective roadblocks in place to keep children from being hurt in the first place, there are only forensic and investigative measures that come after the hurting takes place and is discovered, if it is discovered. Then there are familial "rules" that most people acknowledge as neccessary to foster, these rules end up being the loop hole in the system that can allow further harm to come to a child while an investigation is underway. So I'm frustrated, angry, and I want to know why it is that unless the perpetrator put a child in the hospital or killed them, their aren't any real consequences for child abuse and there isn't more proactive approaches to family help before the violent behaviors start? Maybe we ought to have people who randomly check any household with children in the home regardless of whether or not a complaint has been filed. That might actually prevent so much damage both physically and psychologically that a child ends up having to bear. I figure as a parent, if you have nothing to hide, then you won't mind giving up a piece of your privacy if it means saving the life of a child right?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Food: The Stuff Life is Made Of

I'm sitting here with my stomach growling at me and I keep thinking I don't know what I want to eat so I'll bear the hunger until I decide on something that I don't mind putting in my mouth. Oddly enough, this has led me to ponder. What do I feed myself?

I'm talking soufully, characteristically, and morally. What do I feed myself? I've realized that I can't go on forever bottling everything up and hoping that one day someone will randomly come by and crack a few open and actually be o.k. with what they might find. I need substance, the kind that sets me free and helps me to grow a few feathers more. I tend to work more than a person my age should, so no real social life here and if I look carefully enough, I realize I'm avoiding the things that bother me. I'm scared to change things in fear of hurting some of the most precious people in my life, so I avoid the conflicts that would ensue and lose out on the little things in life that mean the most.

So I wonder, how do you feed yourself the food that matters most when you've stuffed yourself away?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Choices

We all have choices don't we? Sometimes I wish that I could take a few back or make some differences. But, as we all have discovered, time is something we don't get back. Besides changing a few things then, could mean giving up your most precious moments that you have now. Ah, well, such is life.

I'm currently embarking on some pretty deep thoughts, at least for me anyway. Things like where is my career going to take me and what are my life goals? I've recently discovered that my career, of which I love ( I work for Habitat for Humanity) may be leading me in a different direction than the one that I previously planned and had laid out before me so many years ago. This is probably a good change for me, because it allows me to utilize my talents much better.

My life? I went from the child who was set on being in the music industry ( I wanted to own my own record company) to the adult whose trying to patch and repair dreams gone astray. In the midst of living and learning, I've had kids, gotten married (because of course all fairytales require you to get married), and slowly, almost at a snails pace, earned my business degree. I like being busy, having lots to do, and I like doing challenging things. Among my self proclaimed challenges: I'm trying to write a book, a fiction novel. Why? because a few years ago I felt I was losing touch with my creative side ( I like to paint, write, sing, etc.) which was affecting all parts of my life. So I've set aside 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there to work on this project. The result? Well, so far so good. I'm far from done and I'm really slow at putting it together (two years into it and only about 9 chapters), but I've managed to convince a lot of people to take a look and see what they think. Most are disappointed that I'm not done yet, they want to know the rest of the story. And suprisingly to me, most of my readers are not traditional book readers. Lets hope this is a good sign, because I'd really like to see what happens with it.

I've discovered some things about myself in this quest to find creative thinking again. I know that I want more than what I've allowed myself through the purposeful and not so purposeful choices I've made. I know that I want to be me, but just who that is, well I guess I'll have to start choosing to actively look for those wings I say we all get to earn in life. Maybe mine will let me see things in a different perspective and with a better appreciation for life and those walking in different shoes than myself.

Wings

I always thought of having wings as the metaphor to finding yourself. Here lately I've decided to explore new ways to express my concerns, voice my opinions, etc. Hence this new blog space that a friend of mine so kindly introduced me too. Well, we'll see where this goes and what I end up writing about..