Waking Dreams

By April L. Gerard

There's a sway of meandering thoughts running through my head
A pause fragmented in imaginations examined and carefully thought out-
mixing of memories with dreamed up ideas and hopes- those long ago wishes
that leave the mind wandering down roads yet not traveled.

There are things we think out, strands of seemingly unrelated things
that catch our breaths, spill out our canvass of desires, and stop our thoughts cold.
Moments where we suddenly realize what we feel, who we are, and what we want.
The tangled saids and unsaids, roads we chose not take & roads we've already taken.

There within our mind's eye are streams of life's every angle,
the key to the insides of our soul's heart are these thoughts that wander in our heads.
What we have yet to learn about who we are and what we have yet to know we need-
all of it is here in the land of our thoughts, the scene of our waking dreams.

A Few Thoughts For the Year....

No poetry to write today, just some thoughts. A letter of sorts- Hope you all don't mind.

Its been a long while, nearly two months since I've written anything on here. I looked around on my blog and had the feel of a dusty room in need of cleaning and tidying up. There's alot of things I need to do to update this blog of mine. Its time I think to get re-acquainted with the things that I love to do. Writing is one of them, so is singing, painting, bike riding, walking, and a host of other things.  I like being active and creative.

This year has brought with it a multitude of revelations, insights, tears, a bit of smiles here and there, and many many lessons.  Alot of what I've learned, I really wasn't prepared for.  I discovered hidden angers within me and I discovered a courage and strength in me that most don't have. I made new friends and lost a few. Traveled a little bit, worked a whole lot, and still managed the whole single mother life with my three kids.  The year is now closing to an end with my family having lost both my grandmother and my grandfather within 4 weeks time span and inbetween all of it, somehow I said yes to my dad when he asked to move in for a few months.  Its been challenging to say the least.  I swear, its like having a teenage dad in the house and its a sore reminder of the reality that this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever spent this much time with him- and I am 32.  But he's been 3 years sober and I couldn't see not giving him the opportunity to at least spend a little time with me and the kids.  I just hope that for once in his life, my dad really does stay sober and becomes the man he wants to be, rather than the drunk he's always been. 

Thinking back over the past few years, I realized I've grown. Not literally of course, I'm still as short as ever..lol.  But I really have grown. I know more about me and the woman I want to be. I know with certainty the things I want to do, goals that I continually strive for. Things, that for a long time I would second guess myself on.  There was a long time in my life when I felt like every thing I ever wanted had to be given up.  Because I wanted so desperately to make those around me happy.

Last year, in July, my marriage of tens years finally ended. I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But it wasn't, no it was actually one of the easier things to let go of.  There were more bad things in the marriage than there were good things and it was doing damage to me and my children that I couldn't undo.  I find now that I have a freedom that I have never known in my life. I'm not afraid to walk into my own home anymore. I'm not afraid to be me..the me I chose to be.  Its a bit of a lonely road every now and then, but not impossible and loneliness doesn't strike me the way it does most people.  I don't mind it when I compare it to where I've been.  Maybe thats why I've been afraid of trying to connect with others....well, anyway I suppose that's another reflection I can write about later.

Moving on in my thoughts, My daughter of 11 years was diagnosed in December 2010 with Langerhan's Hystiocytosis, which required chemotherapy throughout this past year.  This upcoming January will be her last treatment and she's doing wonderful.  you never really think things like this will come up in your life, certainly not in your children's and especially not when they are children.  But, it has brought some perspective in my life and I see such a bright, strong, and inspiring little girl when I look at her and how she's handled this.  A few weeks ago, the very same day she had one of her treatments- once we got home she was gearing up and heading out the door to go sledding with the neighbor girls.  I could tell she didn't feel the best, but I have learned over the past year that the best medicine for her is to let her be herself.  She never slowed down for one second this year if she could help it.  I think maybe that's a lesson for all of us.  To live, really live life in spite of what it might have in store for us.

Many of you who have been faithful readers and dear friends have probably noticed the drop in postings on here.  I literally went from writing nearly everyday to being lucky if I post once every couple of months. I stopped writing as much this year because some things in life make you pause...make you stop and question why the world works the way it does. I came to the conclusion recently that I just need to continue to write, sing, and be me, the rest will take care of itself. 

So, for now, I won't promise that I'll go back to writing everyday. But I can say that I will post again and hopefully it'll become more and more often and back to the positive me that most of you already know.  It won't always be poetry, short stories, and pretty things on here....but there will be writing, writing that comes from me and who I am.  I hope that all of you learn to do the same in your own lives.  Don't give up doing those very things that make up who you are and don't worry so much about where you've been. Just live and love with everything you have.  Sometimes love won't stay, but what impression it leaves you with, the things you learn, will be the best things you'll ever carry within you. 

Happy New Years my friends :)

April

A Small Hand of Time Ago

by April L. Gerard

A small hand of time ago,
I wrote everyday
songs, poems, short stories...
so much, so many things worth saying.

Until I didn't want to say them
anymore.

Feeling the need to bottle me back up,
slowly becoming more tired and tired
by the day...words were just too much
when words couldn't ever really say,
just how we feel sometimes.

A small hand of time ago,
I remembered how much I still love to read,
and thus the reason I found so much wisdom
in words written down.

It takes time to think out how to write
what we see, what we feel, what we dream.
Words...they can be just words.

But really, they're our songs we often forget to sing.

What Love Must Be...

By April L. Gerard
Sometimes I wonder,
just what it is that Love must be,
never sure if I've ever understood it...

then I think of all these things
I see, and somehow I realize
maybe I understand it more than most.

The tired hands of an old gent,
laying down fresh bouquets
to show her even in death he still remembers.

A father sending his thoughts,
his encouragement and wisdom
to the children he misses everyday.

the worn feet of someone
who has walked miles
just to show their gratitude of someone else's kindness.

silent tears hidden at night
shed by the single mother who does
what she can to keep her children safe and warm.

a stranger's gift to another

a hug given without a second thought

a hand held at the hour of midnight

a phone call just to say hi to someone
and it brightens their day because they heard your voice.

A smile...just a simple smile.

These things,
I think that these are the things that Love must be.

Little "Big" Things

Little "Big" Things by April L. Gerard

Gentle smiles,
precious yellow stains
smeared on faces too innocent
to see beyond the wonders of child's play.

Children whose eyes sparkle with merriment.

Just one of the things we call little,
yet it becomes so much more in heart-
things we should never forget.

A hand to hold,
A smile with soft kind eyes,
security wrapped in arms never forgotten
and touches always remembered.

Lovers whose hearts never could quite forget.

Little bits of tenderness,
tucked in carefully wrapped memories-
things that our hearts need filled with.

Sounds of warm sands,
dancing waves of breathless whispers,
little tones of music made by life itself-

The array of beauty in every being.

These, these very smallish,
 sometimes forgotten moments-
 these are the little "big" things.

Things that teach us love.
Teach us hope.
Teach us the joy of who we are.

To Know What's Best

"To know what's Best" is a poem I wrote on October 8, 2010.  It is not a poem I would normally share, but today I feel like its something worth sharing with everyone.  Hope everyone is having a wonderful week, and if not, just remember the up's and down's don't last forever.  The sun always shines through.

Photo taken by me at Chain O' Lakes State Park 2009.

To Know What's Best by April L. Gerard

Drops.


Wet salt slides down over
the bridge of my nose,
from the corner of my eye
to the bed beneath me.


The phone in my hand.


One tear.
Two tears.
A Critical examination...
...of myself.


The honesty.


A song and prayer are uttered,
in quiet whispers.
Stinging streams,
streak my face now.


foot rocks gently back and forth,
attempts at sheltering myself
from how I feel.


I didn't mean to feel this way.
I feel like I have somehow wronged you.
Because I feel this.


Knees touch my chest.
My soul aches and screams silently.


till morning fills the room.


Too perceptive of things I'm told.


Give me strength my lord,
for only you know whats best


Feet hit the floor.


I tuck it all away,
knowing I'll only think of this
when its safe to do so,
but not knowing when it will be safe
ever again.

Truth of Us

Truth of Us by April L. Gerard

 Did you know that you can't outrun yourself
 and that the heart is firmly planted in our souls? 
 What it feels cannot be unfelt and cannot be run from.

Rains of blues- soft melodies of jazz and other tunes,
beats of bass drumming to the waves of thoughts unsaid.
Sounds that give meaning to what is felt,
what will always be felt.

It does not go away,
It does not always stay.

But we...the very humans we are,
We always want it to.
Want these things to stay,
even if it means carrying a certain kind of hurt.
We want it, because we do not wish to lose love's value.

I often wonder if you too think of this,
or do you really want to?

You can't outrun yourself,
the heart is firmly planted in our souls-
and what it feels cannot be unfelt or run away from.

Broken Down

Its been such a long time since I've posted on here and for that- I truly apologize.  Writing is one of my passions I've had since I was little, but Life it seems has really been getting ahead of me.  Some of the happenings have been good and wonderful, while other things have been not so good- but they are things that help define the who that we are in this Life.  It is with that thought in mind that I wrote this poem earlier today while sitting in a waiting room...

Broken Down by April L. Gerard

There are pieces,
strewn about in uncertain tomorrows
and littering yesterday's paths.

Fragments, each telling its story
of where it used to be,
how much force it bore,
and where it fell...
..when it became to fragile from the wear.

There are pieces,
some small like slivers shaved and curled,
others sized like jagged rocks ripped from their beds-
replaced with hard earned lessons,
whether asked for or not.
Lessons that light the candle
of a wise soul's inner flame.

These pieces,
invisible to the naked eye
and seen with our hearts mind-
it is these that matter.
They are things that teach us who we are
and who the world is to us.

They are precious
and sometimes bittersweet
or broken down- leaving us to wonder
at the trail we've made of  losses, of pains,
of shear wonderment, and of loves.

Yet these pieces, collected
in a mosaic of beauty, sorrows, joys, and
growth- in our innermost self they form
our soul's journey to know Life and Love.

To Break the Sound Barrier

by April Gerard


There are days,
when I wonder if a friend of mine...is right. Still I know he's wrong.
Nights of despair knowing my own road of sorrows.
A road we each have owned somewhere along the way.
A place in our hearts where we've sown our pictures
to the walls to never forget..the pain caused.

I believe it could be different,
if we let it.

Constant reminders turn feeling into belief.
Belief that if it was this way once,
it'll be that way again.
But that's not true, I'm positive of that.
We just never venture out beyond the walls we've built.
Never take the time to throw away the hurts.
The scars we leave in each other.
Humanness certainly has its way with feeling.

For some its enough to say no more,
still its not impossible is it?
Takes a lot of thinking against the grain
to believe in the possibilities.
So many people who cant see where they are.
So many who forget you can't outrun your own heart,
for it is firmly planted in our souls.

I want to know the sort of things
that we often never let ourselves discover.

Shades of blues paint over our loves
in ignorance of our souls.
So many who would rather hold a stone,
than to lose what part of their heart that still cares.
and what parts still wish to be cared for.
The human condition is to feel,
so why do we run from it?

Years ago, it was believed
 no one could break the sound barrier.
And yet it was.

Do you suppose then, that we could learn to love?

To Learn to Hold an Ocean

Written by April L. Gerard

Silence is sometimes better said out loud,
than any words that could be spoken.
So few can hear what it says though.

It often says so much,
sometimes more than we knew existed.

An ocean of depths within,
feelings locked for safe keeping.
No one ever asks how deep does it go.

Easier for most to not ask,
so they don't have to hurt enough to care.

Crimson skies were once painted
in days where childish laughter should have lived-
leaving blues of water that never shed from the eyes.

Pain that shut the doors of trust in others.

Doesn't mean there's no hope for it though.
Seeds of trust can be sown as nature reminds that
even rains grow things; make them stronger.

Such a rarity of courage and strength born,
uniqueness in its own right of perception and kindness.
Still lonely keeps company...
'till we learn how to hold an ocean.

Child's Eye

It has been a while since I've managed to write something I wanted to share.  My youngest child inspired this writing..I hope you all enjoy :)

 Child's Eye  by April Gerard


Wings rushing in the air,
winds bending down to stroke the grass
and soft sounds of nature in my ears.

Solitude. This is my mind's imaginations
for the moment, until...
little feet patter down the stairs.
She has not gone to bed as she should.

I try to be patient with her, as I remind her the time
and still she questions endlessly,
"Why does bedtime have to come?
Why does winter and Summer and spring come?"

and I tell her,"I don't know why really,
cause thats the way God made things-
to teach us to learn and grow with changes I think."

She clasps her little hands together,
eyes sparkling with thought.
Then she says,

"But I wish it would snow in summer. No wait,
I really wish it would snow in Spring-
so we can have flowers at the same time.
Wouldn't that be really cool Mom??!"

She reminds me of what it means to be
open to possibilities with this statement.

Maybe I should remember more often,
just how it might look, to look on the world
with a child's eye.

Good News to Share

well, I have been writing quite alot on this here blog of mine- just not published any of it yet.  Mostly that's due to the fact that I've been worn out here lately between taking my daughter to her doctor visits, work, and all the things in between. I have noticed that my drafts that I have not shared on here are not quite the positive and upbeat thoughts that I would normally try to write.  But, they are in a lot of ways very theraputic for me to reflect and think on.  Interesting the things you learn about yourself when you read what you've wrote as though it came from someone else entirely..

Anyways, I want to share some extremely good news with everyone- according to the tests earlier this week, my daughter's tumor almost non-existent now!!! there is only a spot that is aproximately a millimeter wide left.  which means she now gets to go to every 3 weeks of chemo instead of every week!!!  Its been challenging to say the least to get used to our new schedule and to get used to her moods swings - the result of being a pre-teen as well as a patient undergoing therapy :)

But she does really well and for the most part has a very positive attitude about the whole thing, which makes me very proud of her. She even makes the nurses/doctors laugh with her antics sometimes and she's made quite a few new friends at the clinic as well.

So that's it for now.  I promise to you all that I will get back into posting on here again...it just might be a slow transition as I learn to manage and juggle the Life happening around me :)  But for now, I'd like to share a song that I found yesterday that I really like.  It seems to say to me, no matter what happens in life- all is not lost and you are not lost in it...

Acumen of Another Kind

 Acumen of Another Kind by April Gerard

If I admitted to myself
how tired I am somedays,
I'd have to go and believe it..and I don't want to.
Besides, I gots too much to do in this here world.

yeah, thet's right.

Not a day goes by that I push tired to the side
and get my mind on what needs done.

Most just figure they got to get through one more day.
Me though, I figure there's alot more to be doing with
each day rather than just tryin, to "just get through it"
Got no use for tired anyways.

Ya ever see someone just clean pass through a day,
like it wudn't nutten but an old doorway 'bout to fall down?
Thats how them crazy fools act nowadays.
They need to open up them blind eyes of them.
Yes'm, that what they need to do- but 'spect they won't none.

naw, they won't open 'em up to see.

They's frittering away something ya can't get back.
It ain't like water, can't reuse it. Once its gone..its gone.
The day is made for using, so that's what I intend to do.
Whats the point of letting tired spend all my time,
when there are small steps towards these goals
I gotta be takin?

Damn fools never see it, always tryin to control
the way things are so's no one 'ill ever get further
than they did.  If they spend half as much time
chasing their own dreams instead 'o beaten those
of others down..they'd have something for a change.

Something worth having.

But, They let fear grip 'em and mess 'em up all in their heads,
thinkin on how dreamers are supposed damn fools and
how they think it best to just stop 'em in their tracks.
Yeah, that what they do, go messin' up the world with their nonense.

Crazy ass fools.

Ain't a Man, Woman, 'er Child who don't need a dream.
And they need one worth keepin for sure, noboby got the right to take thet.
This world of fools though, thinkin they gots the answer.
Break 'em down, show 'em how dreaming didn't never get nothin'.
They leave alot tearstreaked pain in the hearts o' others..
yeah they shore do.

Damn shame too.

Reckon if they used their time a little more
to be a lovin' the world 'stead o' telling it what to do,
they might find Time would become their friend.

I Wonder

I Wonder by April L. Gerard

The music of my soul
wants to dance to the melodies
of friendship, of love, of laughter.
I wonder if others wish that too?

Kindness goes such a long way,
though I wonder if it reaches.

I wonder if some have never known
a kind hand or warm smile,
it seems we should give that more often.
I'd like to see that- see the side of humans
 we rarely let ourselves be.

Couldn't we just once Be?
Be the us we were made to be?

Not the hate we teach,
or the distrust we learn through
age and moments that ticked
by in our heads too slowly.

But the things that make us all
who we are and what we dream.
The things too often slipped by,
unnoticed in the timidness
so many feel when encouragement
is lacked.

What if we truly found our voices,
our lights within ourselves?
imagine the wonders and possibilities
that would become.

Yes, I wonder..
What would bloom from others,
if kindness found their doorsteps?
So much music would be heard,
so many endless possibilities.

Beautiful Here

by April L. Gerard
It's Beautiful here in this home
where my soul lives.

Moments of clarity
and moments of sheer wonder
written in the voice of my home's heart.
Amazing to look out onto the scenery
through my soul's window
and see.

To really See.

How very much the same we each are....
and yet, so very different.

All the things we carry
and paint our lives with,
can be seen here.
Felt here. Heard here.

We run our fingers through
the pains felt, the agony sometimes
endured...and yet,
still there's a reason we find
to smile again and breathe.

Yes, it is beautiful,
where all these souls live-
Unique, brilliant, and colored with lights
of enchanting melodies.

Songs of hope begin to find a voice
outside this window pane.
Even in the coldest of rains,
dances of joys still find feet to move.

This is where our souls reside,
here in the rhythm of thoughts and sounds.
Dreams still sought after,
Astonished people meeting all around-
and seeing for the first time there are no colors.

All the things we thought we knew
and all that we never really knew-
is learned here. Loved here.
Believed here.

A soul's song happens here,
right here where we are now.
And its so beautiful to hear the notes played,
to feel it resonate.

Melodies of life- we each live and breathe.